Hello Beautiful People!
I’ve been doing this a long time, and I’ve noticed that there is quite a bit of confusion about the two. Folks may also do searches seeking a “polyamory-friendly” coach or therapist. This means a professional who may NOT be practicing polyamory or consensual non-monogamy themselves, but they are potentially well-versed, trained, or otherwise non-judgmental about such relationship structures or practices.
THERAPY VS. COACHING *
There’s a simple test to understand the difference:
When a client brings a problem, does the professional ask “What happened?” or “What’s next?”
If you’re hearing “What happened?” – that’s therapy work.
If you’re hearing “What’s next?” – that’s coaching.
A therapist helps you understand your past.
A coach helps you create your future.
Think of it this way:
A therapist asks “Why do you think you sabotage yourself?”
A coach asks “What are you going to do differently tomorrow?”
It is true that there is a difference between therapy versus coaching…
The therapist’s typical functions are to help clients fix past problems, overcome issues (sometimes rooted in past trauma), and often manage mental illness. Coaches do not work with mental illness directly nor spend large amounts of time on client past issues and problems. In fact, coaches typically do not see anything as a problem, only as an opportunity (including learning from the past, versus ruminating there). Coaches focus on solutions! They do not dwell on the client’s past nor try to analyze behavior. Individuals seeking help may come to the realization that the past is directly affecting the present situation, but this information usually comes from the individuals themselves. The past is only the focus of coaching as a learning/growing tool, and as it relates to the present situation. Coaches do not start in pain of the past, nor stay there, but release the energy the past has on individuals so they can move forward.
So the therapist usually helps the client figure out “why,” while the coach helps the client focus on “how”, in addition to touching on “why”.
Thus, some of my clients are working with a quality therapist alongside myself as an expert relationship coach specializing in building a healthy foundation – utilizing great emotion management, healthy boundaries, and communication tools – in open relationships. This helps build the emotional muscle to not only survive but thrive with the challenging feelings that inevitably come up along the journey of moving towards healthy consensually non-monogamous dynamics. Therapy asks why. Coaching asks how. When you’re in crisis, you need tools, not archaeology.
Another item to keep in mind is that many therapists are still not trained in (or practicing) polyamory and/or open relationships. This can lead to pathologizing – thus making the client feel “abnormal” for living their lives as they see fit – which is counter-productive to the very individuals seeking help during stressful times. This all can potentially do more damage than good for the client, who may feel like there is something “wrong” with them. There are good therapists and bad therapists, just as there are good doctors and bad doctors. Often the best one for you may not be in your local hometown, if you indeed believe you could benefit from therapy and/or coaching. Some people who seek my help have been in therapy for literally YEARS or even DECADES with no real lasting results. Some are unfortunately even worse off than when they started. Finding the right professional for the job at hand is critical for success and lasting results.
A quality polyamory/ENM coach can help you navigate various challenges that may arise in your untraditional relationships. They can guide you in developing effective communication strategies, setting healthy boundaries, managing jealousy and insecurity, and fostering a deeper understanding between partners.
Additionally, a polyamory/ENM coach can provide support and guidance in rebuilding trust after betrayal (infidelity / cheating), offering tools and techniques to help you heal and strengthen your bond. I have worked with many couples to re-build trust after one or both partners have cheated – which is a common occurrence that I see before couples powerfully decide to move away from lies, pain, and secrecy – and into transparency, openness, and honesty. This can be solved and healed! Whether you’re new to polyamory/ENM or have been practicing for years, a quality, experienced coach can offer valuable insights and support tailored to your unique situation.
HOW TO GET HELP WITH POLYAMORY/ENM COACHING
If you are struggling to open up your relationship and finding challenges, I deeply empathize with what you are experiencing. I have been there myself! That’s exactly why I am so passionate about supporting this community. I don’t want others to struggle as I did – especially when I know that there are effective and powerful tools out there to build the emotional intelligence and muscle to move through this stage of your relationship(s). Many good folks that come to me have already tried researching articles, books, and their local support groups, but find they need more guidance, and that’s OK! For many folks, asking for help is quite challenging, and I get that. Yet often folks’ health, sanity, and ability to focus starts to get impacted by difficult emotions that arise, which can ripple out to other areas of their life. There is a COST to that emotional roller coaster, turmoil and resulting distance in cherished relationships – and often that cost is too great to ignore (and only leads to resentment – which can erode bonds).
This is when getting professional help can be so powerful and effective, turning months or years of struggling into mere WEEKS.
Don’t just take it from me. Here are some client results, direct from these beautiful, newly empowered individuals:
“Kitty’s program has done more for me than therapy ever has. I didn’t learn skills in therapy. Just unloaded stuff.” — Tonya in South Carolina
“We got more out of one call with Kitty than three years of therapy and research on open relationships.”— Keithan in Virginia
“I never thought I’d feel so centered and confident. All those years of therapy, and what I really needed was coaching to look inward to be able to see forward.”— Cory in Texas
“It is worth investing in ourselves, putting in the work. I realize now it was a gift being locked up in the house (during COVID) finding ME again. I did so much work, and now I’m ready to interface with other people. I would personally go for coaching over therapy in the future.” — Lindsey in Massachusetts
“When I came in to the program, I had been to counseling, hypnotherapy, and meditation classes. These were all helping, but were not resolving my core emotional issues. Enrolling in this program, I found the tools to break down, and find the root of what was happening within. Kitty has put together this program in such a way that I was able to learn how to overcome my emotional issues enough that I wasn’t just stuffing them, but learning how to live with your emotions, and to better control the outcome. I feel so much more confident now. Honestly, I feel night and day different!” — Gordon in Washington
If you’re interested in having an authentic, clarifying and caring conversation to discuss ways to create loving, happy, secure, and exciting open relationships, I invite you to learn more about my coaching services here. Within that coaching page, you are given the opportunity to take that first step to transform your life by clicking the BOOK NOW button to schedule a FREE Breakthrough Session with me. I look forward to speaking with you!
Take good care of yourself during this time. Know that your emotions are normal and valid, and that experiencing compersion (the opposite of jealousy, also known as sympathetic joy) is a process, and will come at the right time for you.
With love and gratitude,
Kitty Chambliss
P.S. If you are looking for more information and guidance, feel free to listen to the episodes of my polyamory podcasts. There, I interview other experts in this field, and also folks just like you, learning to live the life of their dreams that they previously did not think was possible. Resources such as polyamory-affirming podcasts can be a great addition to your research and toolkit.
* DISCLAIMER: To be clear: coaching isn’t therapy, and I’m not treating or diagnosing anything — I’m helping you build skills for the relationship life you want.
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