I am delighted to share one of my “Dear Kitty” columns that was previously published in “Ethical Non-Monogamy Magazine” (ENM), which unfortunately, is no longer being published. We are honored to have permission from ENM to keep the love going by sharing from our archives.
With all my heart, I absolutely love our cherished Loving Without Boundaries community. For the greater good of all of you living your most authentic lives with joy and bliss (with the least amount of suffering as possible), we are thrilled to share this response to the reader’s question as a gift to you.
My wife and I have been married 27 years. A few years back, we tried out the swinging lifestyle and played with a number of couples, and also explored some alternate variations like threesomes and same-sex play. As the parents of four kids and having been raised in a very religious culture, our sex had been regular but vanilla and even boring for most of our marriage. The lifestyle play yielded some great experiences with others, but the sex it ignited for US as a couple was amazing. Mind blowing! The best sex of our entire marriage. We ended/paused the swinging for a variety of reasons: some jealousy snuck in and some other complications that I won’t take time to get into, but it’s been 18 months now since we last played with others. And our sex life has ground back down to the routine and monotony we had before, despite our best efforts to use porn and fantasy to keep it hot. How do you leave the erotic and charged world of lifestyle play and keep things hot in a monogamous marriage? I’m really struggling. We deeply love each other, but in the wake of sex with others, things feel dead (or dying).
Thank you for so vulnerably sharing where you and your wife currently are. First, I want to assure you that this is completely normal. It is common that exploring the swinging lifestyle may happily create some passion and magic inside your cherished sex life with your wife. What great news!
I understand that you and your wife have already explored porn and fantasy as ways to get that spark back. My first bit of advice would be to continue to get creative! Creativity is your friend and can add that extra spice to your sex life. Here are some fun ideas:
• The Magic of PORN! – There is no shame around some visual and auditory imagery to get your juices flowing (literally). I get that many of us have been shamed in the past surrounding the concept of porn. I am giving you permission to watch it, explore it, have fun… just don’t let it take over your life so you forget to sleep, eat, or work. 🙂 Have you tried Japanese anime porn? How about “monster” animated porn? Perhaps get out of your comfort zone to test the waters with something unusual for you. It is possible that you might find something erotic that you had NO idea would turn you on.
• Getting Fit + Boudoir Photoshoot – Gained weight over this crazy year we are all experiencing? It’s not too late to shed those few extra pounds and then have a sexy photoshoot with your partner. You can treat yourselves to some sexy outfits (or costumes for some cos-play and role-playing – Sexy Professor and School Girl, anyone?), pose for each other, and bring out the tripod if needed. (ooh! Maybe you can make your OWN private collection of porn!)
• Discover Tantra – Have you looked into learning more about Tantra! I’ll admit that this is on my to do list myself. Here is a book that came recommended to me by a cherished client in the UK: “The Essential Tantra: A Modern Guide to Sacred Sexuality” by Kenneth Ray Stubbs.
• Erotic Blueprints – Have you heard of the Erotic Blueprint? It is akin to the classic Five Love Languages but for the body and your sensuality. You can discover what your Erotic Blueprint is, and that of your partner (plus discovering that during an evening of erotic play can be fantastic!) I first learned about it from Anne More at a polyamory conference earlier this year. You can check out her work at yesannemore.com.
• Sex Workers – If you are not ready to jump back into the swinging lifestyle (and any jealousy that perhaps came up as a result), you may want to consider hiring a professional sex worker to spice up your bedroom activities.
• FetLife Forums – Do you have an active account on FetLife.com? You can think of FetLife as Facebook for kinky people. Even if you don’t consider yourself kinky or into BDSM, having an account and sharing sexy pictures can be highly erotic and give you a venue to see if you have an exhibitionist streak in you. (I know I do… Yay!) Also, there are excellent forums on 100s of topics on FetLife and other sexy website community sites for you to explore.
• Write Erotic Stories – You and your partner can experiment with writing a co-created erotic love story. Partner A writes a few paragraphs, then Partner B adds on to the story, creating what happens next. Then you can continue the fun to your heart’s content. It’s so fun! Also, you can read erotic stories to each other, such as from works like “Mating Season: Erotic Short Stories” by Lexi Sylver.
• Change Beliefs – In terms of your belief system, I invite you to try on for size the idea that exploring your sexuality with your wife is what you GET to do (versus any obligatory ideas that you HAVE to do it). It is an honor and privilege to enjoy this time together. Have fun! Also don’t make this mean anything more than what it is. Ebbs and flows in our sexuality with any partner happen. It’s natural and normal. If you put in some effort, you will get that sexy back. I believe in you and your erotic pleasure discovery!
• Listen to answers to “What Is Your Best Sex Advice?” – If you are a patron of the Loving Without Boundaries podcast at the $3 a month level or above, you can hear the answers from our esteemed guests to the “What Is Your Best Sex Advice?” question. The answers may delightfully surprise you. You can look into this at: patreon.com/lovingwithoutboundaries.
No matter what, know that you are not alone! I invite you to join our thriving Loving Without Boundaries online Facebook Community of other like-minded courageous humans, seeking to live authentically and upgrade their mindset and skillset!
Until next time, cherished community …
With love and gratitude,
Kitty Chambliss, PCC, CPC, ELI-MP
Founder, Loving Without Boundaries
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Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit: August 4–7, 2022 | Alexandria, VA
The Sexual Freedom Summit brings together people from every corner of the sexuality advocacy world – educators, activists, advocates, and lawyers – to be in conversation with one another, strategize and learn together, troubleshoot challenges, and celebrate successes.
Attendees come to the Sexual Freedom Summit each year to get inspired, develop new skills, gain access to resources, and recharge among other sexual freedom advocates. When they return home, attendees are ready to take action to advance sexual rights in their communities. This is more important now than ever! Kitty Chambliss is a proud volunteer for this event. Come say hi! Register here.
RelateFest: September 29-October 2, 2022 | Miami, FL
Produced by Leveled Up Love, RelateFest is for people who love exploring relationships, questioning relationship norms, learning new skills, and connecting with others. RelateFest brings the principles of curiosity and conscious relating to a safe space for learning, connection, and play. Our next event will feature relationship experts presenting riveting talks, holding interactive workshops, and offering optional private breakthrough coaching sessions as well as other upgrade options. All relationship structures, orientations, and gender identities are welcome. Singles, couples, and moresomes are all welcome. Kitty Chambliss is excited to participate on a panel and present a Keynote speech at this amazing event! Get details here. → Plus, save $100 when you use code: LWB100
The Open Love Experience: October 13-17, 2022 | Ft. Pierce, FL
Presented by Leveled Up Love, this is a Platinum Level Retreat for Couples Curious About Consensual Nonmonogamy: Transformative Relationship Coaching, Private Festival Performances, and an Unforgettable Erotic Evening. We focus on Attachment Styles, Nervous System Regulation, Emotional Attunement, The Gottman Method, and more. This is a carefully curated, deep-dive, transformative experience, where you self-select the level of value and impact required for your specific needs, goals, and standards. Kitty Chambliss will be among the expert presenters at this unique and exclusive event! Learn more here. → Plus, save $1000 when you use code: LWB1000
>>> Looking for more events around the globe? Check out Alan’s Polyamory List of Events to stay informed and connected.