Has this ever happened to you?
I recently spoke to someone who admitted they felt in their core that they had the capacity to love more than one person – saying they identify as polyamorous – yet they had been trying to suppress what felt to them a natural instinct, because they felt guilt and shame around owning their authentic self.
Worse, their current partner – who identified as monogamous – was attempting to change them back to being monogamous. NOTE: There was no foul play here – no one had cheated. Oftentimes good people like you change, develop, grow, and though… earlier in life, they may identify as monogamous, sometimes hearts and minds change! Sometimes good people “come out” as polyamorous (capacity and desire for multiple loves), or polysexual (capacity and desire for multiple sex partners).
In life, we can count on three things: Change, death, and taxes, right? Change is inevitable. That’s the truth!
Our entire Loving Without Boundaries Mission is centered around helping well-intentioned, heart-centered folks live their most authentic life, free from shame, guilt, jealousy, insecurity and fear in the consensually non-monogamous relationship and sex positive space. The most important part in this discussion is the “most authentic life” part.
That means OWNING the truth of who you ACTUALLY are (not who others want you to be, so that they feel more comfortable).
Does that take guts and courage? You betcha! But you can do it if you choose to put in the time, effort, and work.
Recently I also spoke to someone that said their partner had come out as bisexual, so they then opened their marriage (post infidelity trauma as well). And now suddenly claimed that same partner was no longer bisexual …. Hmmmmm. I lovingly call B.S. on that. Our needs are like a beach ball. We can try pushing them under the water, but those needs (inclinations) will keep popping back up again until those needs are met. And yes, our sexual or romantic orientation can be a need that keeps surfacing and coming out sideways in unhealthy ways (eg. the pain of cheating, debilitating feelings of shame, unbearable depression, even suicidal thoughts).
Why am I telling you this?
It is to let you know who I can help, how I can help, and why.
Too many mental health professionals believe bisexuality, homosexuality, and now polyamory is “curable” with reparative or conversion therapy. I’ve read statements that point to deeply held views that sexual and romantic orientation is a psychological or moral choice that can be altered and indeed should be. There are several conservative organizations that claim to have helped people change their sexual orientation through prayer, counseling, or a combination of both. For example, reparative therapy supposedly helps gay clients become heterosexual by working with them to ameliorate toxic feelings stemming from their damaged childhoods.
Yet here’s the truth…
It is not uncommon for survivors of these programs to wind up permanently emotionally scarred and, at times, even suicidal.
The real “dis-eases” are homophobia, heterosexism, and polyamory-phobia – not homosexuality, bisexuality, or polyamory.
It is important to recognize that the great majority of psychotherapy professionals argue that such “treatment” is unethical because bisexuality (and polyamory or polysexuality) is not an illness — rather the “illness” is our intolerance of sexual, gender, and romantic behaviors falling outside restrictive societal norms, such as “compulsory monogamy”.
(Note: To be clear, if monogamy is what you choose and works for you, that is wonderful! The point here is that monogamy does not work for everyone, for their entire life. We all can exercise choice, ideally free from coercion – if we wish to do so – honoring our autonomy.)
I believe that reparative and conversion therapies, besides being ineffective, can be psychologically harmful, which is another reason I do not recommend them, and will not assist clients in getting such treatment.
Denying, hiding, and suppressing the reality of who we really are (if you color outside the lines of hetero-normative or compulsory monogamous norms) not only creates shame and self-harm, this can also harm our loved ones, our careers, the very fabric of our being, and even future generations (who would benefit from knowing they can exercise CHOICE as we work towards acceptance and tolerance of others living their best life).
Here’s the bottom line: If you are struggling to live the truth of who you actually are – or also are unsure of your true orientation or inclinations due to the noise of society – each day that goes by, you are wasting precious time. Every second counts! There is a one in 400 TRILLION chance of you being born! Each moment you deny your truth, your self-worth and your best days are dwindling. Is that what you really want?
If it’s not, if you are ready to stand tall and own your truth, if you want help transforming your life to be more in line with your inner truth, I invite you to book a call with me to discuss ways to do just that.
Because what I have noticed as I work with courageous folks like you is that with some simple (not easy!) strategies and mindset shifts, it’s not only possible – it’s NECESSARY – to learn to take care of oneself first practicing radical self-love, taking responsibility for our own emotions, and by doing so, find more peace of mind and resiliency to handle the ups and downs of coloring outside of the lines of society’s norms, with some people preferring multiple loving relationships.
A small handful of smart folks realize it’s a matter of learning to observe their feelings with curiosity and kindness, looking inward with compassion at any beliefs that no longer serve them (HINT: some beliefs are left-over from compulsory monogamous pressure!), and use proven communication tools to truly connect deeply with others in a powerful and healing way!
As the amazing Brené Brown says: “True belonging and self-worth are not goods. We don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.”
That’s why I thought I’d open up a few slots in my calendar to speak with you personally. You can join an elite community of action-takers carving out a better future for themselves, despite all odds.
I invite you to book a call now at lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply
The call is totally free, and will last about 45 minutes and in it, we’ll talk about what you are struggling with right now, what you REALLY want in your relationships and life, as well as discuss giving you the tools you need to change your relationship with inauthenticity, guilt, and fear, even transform it, and stay that way!
I invite you to book a call now. You may look back on this day with a big smile, months from now, as being the start of a transformational journey for you. I’m so excited to speak with you!
No matter what, I feel blessed and grateful to serve this amazing community. Thank YOU for being here.
With love and gratitude,
Kitty Chambliss, PCC, CPC, ELI-MP
Founder, Loving Without Boundaries
