Cheers Sexy People!
I often get questions from our polyamorous community surrounding children. I do not have any children of my own (my husband and I are infertile), but I still want to offer value to those in our community who do have kids or strive to have kids. On a related topic, I am a HUGE advocate for sex positivity and owning our sexuality in a powerful and thrilling way – shoving shame aside in favor of reaching for the ring of a happy, healthy sex life! Who here is with me! Say YESSSSS!!!!!!! I would say it is common knowledge at this point that sex can wane after the first little junior comes along. It is understandable given the trauma to the human body and the exuberant attention given to the new little one, not to mention the exhaustion the parents feel at keeping that wee little human alive! Yet mom and dad still want to enjoy a solid and loving connection complete with sexy yumminess! It can take some work (and striving for solid sleep) to get there. There are a handful of simple things that can be done to help your drive, this article shares 6 tips to help boost your sexual performance. Perhaps shooting for (pun intended) an active sex life can also feel “selfish” when there’s a newborn around to take care of.
I am here to tell you that self-care, self-nurturing, as well as the well-being and happy connectedness of mom and dad is never something to take for granted. It is your right to enjoy your sexuality, and to ask for what you need. Yes patience, understanding, and compassion towards are partners are still paramount. This is where asking for what you need in a respectful and loving way to your potentially exhausted partner is critical. This is your life! Your relationship! (and yes your family too) Make it great!
Recently I saw a magnificent presentation at Atlanta Poly Weekend. One presentation and speaker in particular really stood out to me — How To Be A Communication Rock Star by Alexandra Tyler, LCSW. In this presentation, Alexandra shared details of the Imago Dialogue that I have become familiar with. In Imago, the participants come together as a team (versus arguing against each other seeking a winner and a loser). It can feel so seductive to champion our opinion looking to “win”, yet when we come together to solve our struggles lovingly, willingly, and together, THAT is where the magic happens. Imago is all about one person sharing their perspective, viewpoint, desires, and needs while the other partner then mirrors that back. This helps the speaker feel heard, respected, and valued. Alexandra went on to share many tips on becoming a rock star at communication, including NAMING our feelings and emotions to help reduce escalation or a negative charge. This is in contrast to venting or describing them such as “I feel like a tossed aside toy now that junior is here.” Naming feelings might look like “I feel disconnected from you sexually, and I would love it if we set aside some time for you and I to sensually connect.” See the difference?
Here are some more tips that Alexandra shared in her presentation:
OVERALL COMMUNICATION TIPS for SUCCESS
Tip #1 — Resist the urge to jump to say what WE want – this comes across as demanding and controlling and also takes situation to a yes / no (closed ended) win/lose scenario. Instead work towards talking about the emotions underneath what is going on at the surface.
Tip #2 — Talk about feelings earlier on the timeline (before we jump to saying what want or don’t want).
Tip #3 — Bring up topics while calm BEFORE it’s charged & red hot / pressured / flared.
Tip #4 — Avoid “Catastrophizing” language. FYI One of the reasons someone may do this is if they grew up in a family where no one heard or paid attention to them unless there was a big emergency.
Tip #5 — No Mind Reading!
- Saying “I feel insulted” means you attempted to read THEIR mind and assumed their intention/motive was malicious (eg. you made a negative interpretation or the “story you are telling yourself” is negative).
- Expecting a certain outcome such as “If you loved me, you’d know I want X”. This is not fair to our partner to expect they know what we want without us expressing it clearly.
- ANTIDOTE — Take responsibility to ask for what you need, and practice exercising that muscle (of taking responsibility and not “mind reading”).
Tip #6 — Avoid “Absolutest” language (always, never, etc).
Tip #7 — Avoid “Moralistic” judge-y language, such as “should, bad, wrong, not fair, ashamed, blame, guilt”. Why? Because this invites debates and comparisons (“I’m more hurt / wronged than you,” etc).
Tip #8 — Just the facts, Jack (no interpretations).
Tip #9 — Focus on what you DO want (versus DON’T) want. Don’t get ATTACHED to your SOLUTION as the only viable answer. Remember that you are on the same team!
How about you? What have you found worked to re-ignite your sex life after kids came along? What tips can you share with the rest of the community? Please feel free to share with our amazing readers! Sharing is caring, and feeling the love, support, and encouragement within our community feels so damn good! Whatcha got, folks?
UPCOMING EVENTS
1) Coup/3 Goals (Chicago, Illinois), June 14th, 2018 – This workshop series is focused on the various ideals of navigating one’s personal journey in relationships, and the freedom of love and happiness created in non-traditional dynamics. Click the link above to learn more, register, and see more about other events in the series! Here is the Facebook page about the events. Stay tuned for recordings of my panel with Ruby Johnson at the first workshop!
2) World Domination Summit (WDS) Meetup: Sex Positivity and Alternative Relationships as a Path to Living a Passionate Life (Portland, Oregon), Saturday, June 30th, 1:30–3pm – Ever wonder how to be comfortable with deepening intimacy while enjoying more mindful sex, or how to build trust and acceptance in relationships? This presentation is for those seeking more understanding and practical guidelines around sex positivity, living an authentic life, and will discuss definitions and types of alternative relationship structures (such as consensual non-monogamy (CNM)/polyamory). NOTE: You do NOT need to be a WDS attendee to come to this meetup that is being held at the locally famous McMenamins Ringlers Pub. Come join the fun, the adventure, and the celebration of uniqueness!
3) Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit (SFS) (Alexandria, Virginia), August 2–5, 2018 – The Sexual Freedom Summit features human rights activists, sexuality educators and researchers, professionals from the legal and medical fields, authors, sexual freedom movement leaders and organizational partners all working toward the time when sexual freedom is fully recognized as a fundamental human right. This Summit is for EVERYONE interested in learning about the issues in the realm of sexual freedom, advancing their current knowledge and in gaining the tools to actually create the change we need to accomplish. I already have my ticket! I hope to see you there!
4) EXCLUSIVE CONTENT OFFER – We continue to have some exciting goings on here at Loving Without Boundaries (LWB). We now have exclusive content for you via the LWB podcast and my Patreon page for those who choose to become a patron. Please visit the link to check out how you can come join the party over at Patreon! Want to hear more from our amazing interviewees? You got it! Want to dig deeper into the community and your fellow poly folk? Right on, let’s do it! Want free coaching sessions? It’s all there! Come join us, and enjoy exclusive content made just for you, our patrons of this work!
Wishing you peace, love, and happiness!
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
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