Cheers Sexy People!
In my last post, I mentioned that within my own polycule, we had a trial run week of my boyfriend living with my husband and I full-time as practice for the potential real thing. A member of the Loving Without Boundaries community was kind enough to reach out and ask if I would elaborate on this. Absolutely! I love to answer questions and share my meanderings as I experience them in my life in the hopes that you can find gems of wisdom to apply to your own life.
We had gotten past several major milestones in the decision to move towards the possibility of my boyfriend moving into our house. Here they are:
- My beau and I got through the first vulnerable conversation several months ago that we both had the desire to take our relationship to the next level, and we both were open to the idea of him giving up his apartment in DC and moving into our house (that has two spare bedrooms).
- I then got through the scary conversation where I brought this possibility up with my husband as something that I/we were interested in, and we discussed what that would look like, what his concerns were, etc. And he said in the end he was totally open to the idea (hey we did it in the past and we all rather liked it!). Also then the three of us discussed it openly (what a sweet poly moment that was!) and threw all of our cards on the table.
- We also talked about, agreed upon, and found a consensus on the financial side of things that everyone was happy with and felt fair to all of us. Whew! That’s major!
As I often say, our success in life is partly based on the number of uncomfortable conversations we are willing to have. It’s worth noting that having the courage to bring up “scary” topics or having that perceived difficult talk with a loved one, boss, or someone you respect helps with both personal growth and/or you achieving your own goals. Go for it and see what happens!
Back to my story: So my beau has been spending about five nights a week at my place anyway. It was just a bit bigger of a stretch to go over a week straight, seeing what that felt like, how the logistics of getting to work was, how he felt in the house when no one was here, how he and my husband got along when I was out with my girlfriends, etc. This was all in an effort to see if we can really “do” this. Can we all live happily under the same roof, enjoy each other’s company, have me switch from bed to bed for sleeping arrangements – all while we see if everyone is getting their needs met?
The answer was YES! The week went great! Everyone was happy and got along super well. We laughed alot, made dinner together, pitched in on chores, and were very respectful of each other’s needs, schedules, etc. I’m elated to say that it all rocked! Yay!
One thing that is the final clue in the mystery of will my boyfriend move in is … (and this is poly afterall) … his wife. Yes, he’s married. But hey, so am I! His wife lives a 3-hour plane ride away in the sunny state of Florida with his son. They have been “partly” separated for years. And see each other every few months or so. He is a part-time dad. And she is rather monogamous. She knows about me but does not really want to hear about it all. So we have one more milestone to get through: She and his son visiting this summer at his apartment, and he having a “difficult conversation” with her about the possibility of him moving in with us. Wish I could be a “fly on the wall”, but he’ll have to do that one alone I’m afraid.
Quite ironically this week AFTER our trial run live-in week, my boyfriend and I had our first real fight. I made a joke that apparently we are no longer in full-on NRE (New Relationship Energy) given this annoying skirmish. My boyfriend however did not see this comment as funny. Yes…it was one of THOSE nights – all humor had gone out the window! Yikes! As luck would have it, the altercation came about over something completely STOOPID! (don’t they always?). I believe this fight mainly happened because my boyfriend was really super tired. As a result my beau felt exhausted, a bit withdrawn, and apparently rather “cranky” at times. I totally get this as my last boyfriend would admittedly get irritable when he was hungry. And hey we all have our off days. No question.
Though I knew my beau was tired, when I felt “attacked” and unwillingly pulled out the awesome mood I was in, I immediately got ticked off and let him know. Of course that just made everything escalate pretty quickly. When I screw up and I realize it, I try to make a point of apologizing as close to right away as possible. In the heat of the moment, I pondered if I screwed up somehow, and I could not think of anything. I felt that while I thought I was being sweet and accommodating, I had gotten attacked by a tired, cranky person who was in a foul mood. I was waiting for an apology I realize – which is never a good place to be as we can’t control other people.
After we pushed past it and let the dust settle, we talked more calmly. I could not get to sleep because it was not resolved, and frankly I was still angry about it despite myself. At this point my beau was smiling at me, happy to talk if I wanted to, and more back to himself. Whew! So I made a suggestion that really worked.
I offered this:
Let’s both answer the question:
“Where I could have done a better job here is…”
(or said another way: “How I played a role in how this played out is….”)
Then I said: “I’ll go first…” and after taking a deep breath, I offered up how I could have handled myself better to have smoothed this over. When I was done, he said “thank you.” We went back and forth two times total. I could have kept going – but my beau said two was all he could handle. He was having trouble coming up with his points. Fair enough – he was exhausted afterall. This technique seemed to TOTALLY work. It took the focus off of “who’s right and who’s wrong” and instead put the emphasis on self-improvement and compassion for each other. This simple method helped highlight “owning our shit” in how we are imperfect people, doing the best we can, recognizing that we can always improve, and also that we respect the other person and their thoughts, feelings and ups and downs. Worked like a charm! We snuggled, patted ourselves on the back, and “knuckled up” to our “communication win.” (then he said I should totally share this technique on my blog! You’re welcome!)
While this was going on, I heard my husband and his girlfriend come in and take themselves to bed upstairs. It’s an interesting life, this poly thing. I love it!
Be-The-Change T-Shirts – Don’t forget, there has been excitement and interest created around my Be-The-Change-You-Want-To-See-In-The-World t-shirts. So I decided to re-launch a new campaign with teespring so that all who want one can order these inspirational tees for themselves! I set the campaign to run for several weeks in total to allow time for anyone who wants one to get your order in. Remember this campaign from teespring is just for a limited time!
I hope you all are well and enjoyed this detailed update about what it can look like to go through the process of creating an intentional, live-in poly family. As always, I welcome your thoughts, insights, questions and musings. Join the conversation! And have a great week!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)