Cheers Sexy People!
Welcome to Friday! We made it another week! I hope yours was fantastic. Mine was… well… pretty epic in my poly life. I haven’t even completely processed it all yet. As many of us veteran poly-practicing peeps know, the act of “processing” and sifting through emotions and thoughts as we traverse this unusual journey together is a normal and needed practice for us. Warning: Don’t try to live a polyamorous life if you are not willing or ready to do this kind of internal work as well as the work of having potentially uncomfortable and challenging (but hopefully productive) conversations with your loved ones.
I actually have alot of emotional work in front of me for this weekend as I “download” and have some pretty big-ass discussions with my husband while we have a sweet and thought-provoking getaway together in Cape Cod. As I write this, he has no idea what’s in store. The logistics of this past week left me with lots of quality time with my boyfriend of three months+ while my husband was working in California at a conference. Another interesting point about living a polyamorous life is the work needed to “catch up” with each of your loves often and thoroughly, which is imperative and necessary. Skip this step and you may cause yourself some strife. We can’t all be at the same place at the same time, so keeping each other abreast of new developments that affect each other’s lives and relationships is paramount. Don’t delay either. You may tick your loved ones off by doing so (or at least unnecessarily shock them which may affect their trust in you).
It’s challenging to express to you here how much internal processing I have been doing. Some of it has been rather confusing to me. Here I am – a self-proclaimed poly-advocate touting the virtues of loving more than one and “loving without boundaries” – which I still 100% fully believe! But somehow something was feeling a bit off, with me feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin. I was also grappling with these incredible feelings of commitment and “bonding” with my boyfriend. This is all very exciting, beautiful and lovely! And I’m well aware of NRE and the magical thinking that can sometimes come out of that. But I still can’t deny my feelings. I also know and believe that part of what polyamory touts is the acceptance and belief that all relationships evolve, grow and change over time. So some of what I’m feeling could adjust or evolve.
Either way, I realized that for me, my truth right now is that I partly identify as… wait for it…
As far as I know, I just made that word up. You have probably all heard of the term “monogam-ish.” That refers to someone who is mostly monogamous, but has at least some leanings away from monogamy at the same time. They are not 100% monogamous. Well, I don’t feel that I am 100% polyfidelitous – which is being in a completely closed relationship with your loves where you are not entertaining other new partners (or if you do, they then join your completely closed circle). However, I feel that I am currently leaning into feeling incredibly bonded with my two partners – my husband and my boyfriend. Part of my identity as a polyamorous woman is I need that door open to possibilities, even if it is just cracked open – BUT I am currently leaning towards polyfidelity with my two loves.
A friend of mine as I discussed this with him reminded me of the word “polysaturated.” YES! Perhaps that is what I am feeling (but I couldn’t resist the urge to coin a new word also with “polyfidelit-ish”) 🙂
Here’s a definition of “polysaturated” if you are unfamiliar with the term.
Polysaturated – The point at which the thought of another relationship, or another hobby, leaves one feeling more exhausted than excited.
“I have a job, two boyfriends, and a photography hobby, and the idea of one more thing to do makes me tired just thinking about it! I’m polysaturated!”
Here is an excerpt from a link that I found that I thought helped explain this perfectly:
A big part of being polyamorous is recognizing and respecting what each person is willing and able to give you in terms of time and intimacy, and deciding if you want to accept it or not. Everyone has the freedom to choose, and everyone has boundaries. Negotiating what you want within these parameters is the key to making polyamory work successfully.
So step one is to decide what you want. If you want some kind of new relationship, is it going to mean giving up time with one of your other sweeties in exchange? How will they feel about that? Are you willing to give up some of your “me time” instead? Will having less downtime negatively impact all your relationships?
Of course, a new relationship doesn’t HAVE to take more time. Your boundaries could include a limit on the time spent together with your new partner. Again, they might not find that acceptable, so you’ll have to negotiate. I can easily see how this can get overwhelming quickly.
But if you feel like you have a genuine connection with someone, there’s no reason to reject them outright. If you’re not ready to pursue it, put it on the back burner until you are ready to give it the attention it deserves.
The fact you’ve gotten this far – where you’re making poly work for you and feel comfortable with what you’ve got – is a good sign that you’re doing things right, and sometimes you need to trust your gut when it tells you something is a little off. If you’re feeling like this third relationship might be too much for you, you might want to spend a little time figuring what it is specifically that’s giving you cause for pause.
If it’s really a time management issue, figure out how much time you have to spare for exploring with this third person while keeping your other relationships strong, and decide whether or not you feel comfortable committing it – especially if you’re not sure where you want it to go and how much time it might eventually absorb.
Otherwise, look at it clinically. Do they fill a need or desire you have but aren’t currently getting from your current partners? Or is it more of a curiosity about a/this new person? Is it the potential for New Relationship Energy (NRE)? Conversely, might it be a situation in which you don’t feel comfortable saying no?
There’s a lot of potential depth and many angles here, but I think the most important point to take is this: first find out what it is you want, then take steps to get it in a way that respects your current relationships, with your partners and with yourself. Only you can tell whether or not adding someone new to the mix is a good idea.
Yeah, I dig that! All makes sense to me! Here is another article that I thought was quite good at explaining more about polysaturation:
How about you? Have you ever felt polysaturated and how did you handle it? What do you think of the new term “polyfidelit-ish” (versus “monogam-ish”)? How did your week go for you in your poly life – anything exciting happen? I wish all of you a fantastic, love-filled, adventurous weekend ahead. My love to you! Enjoy! (and feel free to wish me luck on my weekend of “downloading and processing”. Stay tuned!)
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)