Polyamory + A Nomadic Life and LWB WDS Meetup in Portland, OR
Cheers Sexy People!
Welcome to Friday! We made it another week! I hope yours was fantastic. Mine was… well… pretty epic in my poly life. I haven’t even completely processed it all yet. As many of us veteran poly-practicing peeps know, the act of “processing” and sifting through emotions and thoughts as we traverse this unusual journey together is a normal and needed practice for us. Warning: Don’t try to live a polyamorous life if you are not willing or ready to do this kind of internal work as well as the work of having potentially uncomfortable and challenging (but hopefully productive) conversations with your loved ones.
I actually have alot of emotional work in front of me for this weekend as I “download” and have some pretty big-ass discussions with my husband while we have a sweet and thought-provoking getaway together in Cape Cod. As I write this, he has no idea what’s in store. The logistics of this past week left me with lots of quality time with my boyfriend of three months+ while my husband was working in California at a conference. Another interesting point about living a polyamorous life is the work needed to “catch up” with each of your loves often and thoroughly, which is imperative and necessary. Skip this step and you may cause yourself some strife. We can’t all be at the same place at the same time, so keeping each other abreast of new developments that affect each other’s lives and relationships is paramount. Don’t delay either. You may tick your loved ones off by doing so (or at least unnecessarily shock them which may affect their trust in you).
It’s challenging to express to you here how much internal processing I have been doing. Some of it has been rather confusing to me. Here I am – a self-proclaimed poly-advocate touting the virtues of loving more than one and “loving without boundaries” – which I still 100% fully believe! But somehow something was feeling a bit off, with me feeling overwhelmed and spread too thin. I was also grappling with these incredible feelings of commitment and “bonding” with my boyfriend. This is all very exciting, beautiful and lovely! And I’m well aware of NRE and the magical thinking that can sometimes come out of that. But I still can’t deny my feelings. I also know and believe that part of what polyamory touts is the acceptance and belief that all relationships evolve, grow and change over time. So some of what I’m feeling could adjust or evolve.
Either way, I realized that for me, my truth right now is that I partly identify as… wait for it…
POLYFIDELIT-ish
As far as I know, I just made that word up. You have probably all heard of the term “monogam-ish.” That refers to someone who is mostly monogamous, but has at least some leanings away from monogamy at the same time. They are not 100% monogamous. Well, I don’t feel that I am 100% polyfidelitous – which is being in a completely closed relationship with your loves where you are not entertaining other new partners (or if you do, they then join your completely closed circle). However, I feel that I am currently leaning into feeling incredibly bonded with my two partners – my husband and my boyfriend. Part of my identity as a polyamorous woman is I need that door open to possibilities, even if it is just cracked open – BUT I am currently leaning towards polyfidelity with my two loves.
A friend of mine as I discussed this with him reminded me of the word “polysaturated.” YES! Perhaps that is what I am feeling (but I couldn’t resist the urge to coin a new word also with “polyfidelit-ish”) 🙂
Here’s a definition of “polysaturated” if you are unfamiliar with the term.
Polysaturated – The point at which the thought of another relationship, or another hobby, leaves one feeling more exhausted than excited.
“I have a job, two boyfriends, and a photography hobby, and the idea of one more thing to do makes me tired just thinking about it! I’m polysaturated!”
Here is an excerpt from a link that I found that I thought helped explain this perfectly:
A big part of being polyamorous is recognizing and respecting what each person is willing and able to give you in terms of time and intimacy, and deciding if you want to accept it or not. Everyone has the freedom to choose, and everyone has boundaries. Negotiating what you want within these parameters is the key to making polyamory work successfully.
So step one is to decide what you want. If you want some kind of new relationship, is it going to mean giving up time with one of your other sweeties in exchange? How will they feel about that? Are you willing to give up some of your “me time” instead? Will having less downtime negatively impact all your relationships?
Of course, a new relationship doesn’t HAVE to take more time. Your boundaries could include a limit on the time spent together with your new partner. Again, they might not find that acceptable, so you’ll have to negotiate. I can easily see how this can get overwhelming quickly.
But if you feel like you have a genuine connection with someone, there’s no reason to reject them outright. If you’re not ready to pursue it, put it on the back burner until you are ready to give it the attention it deserves.
The fact you’ve gotten this far – where you’re making poly work for you and feel comfortable with what you’ve got – is a good sign that you’re doing things right, and sometimes you need to trust your gut when it tells you something is a little off. If you’re feeling like this third relationship might be too much for you, you might want to spend a little time figuring what it is specifically that’s giving you cause for pause.
If it’s really a time management issue, figure out how much time you have to spare for exploring with this third person while keeping your other relationships strong, and decide whether or not you feel comfortable committing it – especially if you’re not sure where you want it to go and how much time it might eventually absorb.
Otherwise, look at it clinically. Do they fill a need or desire you have but aren’t currently getting from your current partners? Or is it more of a curiosity about a/this new person? Is it the potential for New Relationship Energy (NRE)? Conversely, might it be a situation in which you don’t feel comfortable saying no?
There’s a lot of potential depth and many angles here, but I think the most important point to take is this: first find out what it is you want, then take steps to get it in a way that respects your current relationships, with your partners and with yourself. Only you can tell whether or not adding someone new to the mix is a good idea.
Yeah, I dig that! All makes sense to me! Here is another article that I thought was quite good at explaining more about polysaturation:
http://www.polyamoryonline.org/articles/saturation.html
How about you? Have you ever felt polysaturated and how did you handle it? What do you think of the new term “polyfidelit-ish” (versus “monogam-ish”)? How did your week go for you in your poly life – anything exciting happen? I wish all of you a fantastic, love-filled, adventurous weekend ahead. My love to you! Enjoy! (and feel free to wish me luck on my weekend of “downloading and processing”. Stay tuned!)
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
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Hell yeah! Full time job (with travel), 3 adult/2 child household, meeting new friends, maintaining old friends, aging parent, yoga teacher training…I have no idea where I would fit another partner in – even if I wanted to. But I really don’t. My husband and I are not sexual partners – but partners in all other ways and this takes time and emotional energy. My boyfriend is 2.5 hours away and works weekends – so I travel there every Friday and we talk every night. Yeah – I am polysaturated already! This is enough for me for sure and I really don’t have a desire to seek out anything else. Could be I’m just lazy at polyamory – but that’s my take!
Hi Clarathegreat! Always great to hear from you, lovely lady! I hear you especially on “meeting new friends, maintaining old friends” as that is a conundrum in my own life that I have been struggling with as well. Great to hear that I am not alone there. It all takes precious time, eh? Gotta make room for it all, and sometimes that is by taking other things off of your own plate, fo shizzle! I’m also glad to hear that you are able to make the long-distance relationship with your boyfriend work. I apparently suck at long-distance relationships. Thank goodness for OkCupid and finding suitable sexy peeps in your hometown! I don’t think you are lazy at all – just a self-expert with healthy boundaries who takes care of the loved ones in your life well. You go, girl!
Looking forward to hearing how things are going with your new beau!! It’s a good, big, love-filled life!!
XOXOXO
WONDERFUL READ , THANK YOU !
You are so very welcome!
Things are going spectacularly! He is away at the moment in Florida so I am missing him big time. It is so wonderful to have an amazing person to miss though, and it makes his return that much more awesome! Thanks for always supporting me and cheering me on! You rock!
Great article Kitty! I can definitely relate, and can say many of my clients do too! I especially love this:
“There’s a lot of potential depth and many angles here, but I think the most important point to take is this: first find out what it is you want, then take steps to get it in a way that respects your current relationships, with your partners and with yourself. Only you can tell whether or not adding someone new to the mix is a good idea.”
Blessings to all of us on our poly journey and adventures!!!!
Awww, thanks Laurie! Great to hear from you, and thanks for reading my blog! Great to hear your sentiments and reinforcements of feeling polysaturated. It was interesting and a bit complicated to sort through those feelings. I always hope my journey helps others along their own respective journeys. I’m learning (and sharing with our community) every day!
GREAT !
I understand polysaturated. My health was in jeopardy as I spent several hours a day trying to keep three women totally happy, all long distance relationships. And I do consider myself polyfidelitous….I don’t want to be monogamous, although I was for a thirty year marriage. However, I don’t want one night stands either, if I can avoid it. But being alone so much right now makes it extremely tempting to go that route, just to have human contact again. I haven’t been touched and hugged in so long it makes me cry sometimes.
I understand polysaturated. My health was in jeopardy as I spent several hours a day trying to keep three women totally happy, all long distance relationships. And I do consider myself polyfidelitous….I don’t want to be monogamous, although I was for a thirty year marriage. However, I don’t want one night stands either, if I can avoid it. But being alone so much right now makes it extremely tempting to go that route, just to have human contact again. I haven’t been touched and hugged in so long it makes me cry sometimes.
GREAT ARTICLE !
Thank you, Steven for your thoughtful and heartfelt comment. I appreciate it greatly. It’s nice to know that I am not alone in my polysaturated feelings. It sounds like you got close to spreading yourself too thin there with your three lovely ladies at one point. You sound like you have had a quite varied and interesting life full of lots of twists and turns. May I ask why you feel so physically alone right now? What circumstances got you to where you currently are? My heart aches for you! Are there any cuddle parties near you, or can you seek them out? That may be a nice way to get some human contact again until you find yourself in another relationship or two. Please let me know if there is anything that I can do to help you. You are never alone as you are part of the fabric of our Loving Without Boundaries community. 🙂 <3
xoxo
Kitty
I am late to the game here (I just saw this new post now!), but no less enthusiastic for being late. LOVE this discussion, Kitty, both the content and the way you’ve presented it. I swear, girl, you’re spoiling me for other blogs 🙂
And I love that you’ve coined a new term, one that feels very appropriate to the rich, challenging, rewarding world of polyamory. (Polyfidelit-ish!!!)
As someone who originally stepped into the world of ethical non-monogamy via swinging (but found out quickly that I needed and craved the emotional connection that the play of swinging couldn’t afford me), I am hungry right now for a polyamorous second relationship. So from where I stand at the present moment, I think I could never feel polysaturated. However, I absolutely also know that things can look deceptively easy from the outside, and I also know that i tend to throw myself into things intensely and thoroughly, and therefore I just may find myself feeling that exhaustion-saturation, but not wanting to give anything up.
So I like thinking about this scenario you’ve posed. And certainly, as far as dilemmas go, it’s a good one. What a happy dilemma to have more people/pursuits/things that you love and that interest you than you have time and energy to comfortably make room for. Yes, that does pose its own set of challenges and difficulties (so I’m not denying those), but to me, it’s far preferable than a life where you have too little. (Now that I think of it, maybe that stems from being Italian…I was taught early on that a holiday or gathering where the food runs out is an epic, irredeemable travesty. So you best have way more than your guests can eat!)
I just stumbled upon this William Blake quote that I think speaks to this topic: “You never know what is enough, until you know what is more than enough.”
I hope the getaway to the Cape was absolutely awesome (the Cape must’ve been beautiful this time of year, before tourist season hits) and that your “big-ass” (hah! love that) relationship discussions were awesomely elucidating, illuminating, and productive.
Thanks again for this post, K. Keep at it! Your readers appreciate you!
GREAT , I ENJOYED !
Awesome! I’m so glad.
Awww, Celeste, this comment really made my day. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lovely contribution here. I’m elated to hear that you love the discussion going on here, and how I presented the information. Yay! That makes me so happy! Yes, I was really digging on the new word that I believe I came up with “polyfidelit-ish”. I will add it to my glossary of terms here on the blog since it has been getting a great response so far.
Celeste, I wish you the best of luck and good fortune in finding a satisfying second relationship. I have no doubt in my mind that you will do it and with much success! I definitely always seem to have “alot of balls in the air” both professionally and personally. And as another commenter here mentioned, maintaining old and new friendships I find takes time as well. Time management is key in so many areas of our life, eh? I can’t wait until the day that you tell me that you are polysaturated because that will indicate that you have so much AWESOME going on in your life. Keep me posted!
I’m glad that this post got you thinking about things from a new perspective. I always find that very engaging and illuminating. It is true, this is a good dilemma to have on my part. But it is still not always roses and flowers all of the time. There are conundrums to work through and discussions to have. But it is fine, good and important work. I love it actually! Especially having discussions with emotionally mature, awesome people who love having intellectual conversations while being very respectful of the other person, which both my boyfriend and husband are. They rock! And I adore them! Also there was a time in my life where I was very depressed for years, and I had lost the joy and passion for life and things that used to make me happy. So for me personally, being joyful and having hobbies, people and missions that I am passionate about makes me come alive and feel so elated and powerful again! Like I have choices and can create awesome in my life. It was sad when I didn’t feel that. But having had that experience helps me be very empathetic for others who struggle through rough periods in their lives, as I have been there!
Yes all of my Italian relatives always strived to have way too much food to ever possibly consume as well! I always loved that! Raviolis, homemade cream puffs and cookies overflowing all over the buffet table, with the wine pouring as well!
I love the William Blake quote. Thanks for finding it and sharing it here. You rock!
Cape Cod was gorgeous. My husband and I did enjoy our “big-ass” discussions, and they went very well – thank you for asking. They are still continuing as we need time to make an informed decision about moving forward. I know what I would prefer that would also help with time management, but it is not just my decision. One step at a time.
You are so welcome! Your loving and supportive words of praise really make me smile, and make me want to keep going with my Loving Without Boundaries mission. Thank you so much!
xoxo
Kitty