Change, the New Year, Loving Yourself and ahhh Sweet NRE

Cheers Sexy People!

Welcome 2016! I welcome you with open arms and an open heart. Recently in my life, I created a new tradition of selecting one word to help live the year by – a guide if you will. Last year, my selected word was “grace” and it served me well… especially as I had many ups and downs last year both personally and professionally… things like breakups, misunderstandings, even death. That word “grace” steered me to help me work towards my best self and show a gracious attitude during some of those challenging moments… moments where I could have been not so eloquent, loving or compassionate. I decided I really like this “word of the year” thing.

This year, I was stumped. So I used a little app a friend posted on Facebook (where all knowledge comes from, right? 🙂  ). And I am satisfied with the word it selected for me…

Change. 

As the quote I feature here reflects upon:

“I release all things from the past year that has caused any negative attachment. I prepare and welcome new changes, new lessons and new adventures. I welcome new opportunities to grow emotionally, mentally and spiritually.”

Love it! So digging that. Living a polyamorous lifestyle does require that one be open to change, evolution and a willingness to bend with the wind and compromise quite often. Sometimes the changes can be for the feel good, happy moments in life – like a new love and joyful excitement. Sometimes change might be for the not-so-awesome moments – such as a breakup, unwanted transition or move of some kind.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I have been purposely quiet about my recent love life since I started throwing myself into the polyamorous dating pool and joined OkCupid this past September (wow, that feels like yesterday. Time flies!). As I entered the dating scene, I was very rightly questioned by some of my dates about what I would post on my blog about people I was meeting. Fair question! So while I had a series of dating mishaps (like getting sent unsolicitied penis shots. Ew! Boyz, don’t do that!) and other adventures, I only spoke a little about it. I wanted to let any fledging relationships take shape without the interference of me typing on this laptop and fracking it all up by divulging anything before its time. Privacy is important too. I am constantly trying to find out where the line is between openness and honesty versus privacy and that’s-none-of-your-darn-business type of stuff. But hey, I’m a self-proclaimed lifestyle journalist. I enjoy talking about my poly life in order to help others on their own respective journeys. We can all learn from each other, ESPECIALLY in this space of ethical non-monogamy where there are so few leaders and mentors.

Here’s one thing I have learned over and over:
In order to truly love others well, you need to love yourself first. 

As one of our community members, Steven G. said, “I believe in being a self-contained person, full of love, hope, courage, confidence, etc. In all my efforts to put that belief into words, I haven’t yet achieved the simple and poignant eloquence of an online friend who said the following:

“Fortunately, I learned that if I rely on others to feel self worth, then I would be on a roller coaster of emotions. So I love. I love a lot. But I always love me first. As a result, I don’t place that burden on others to make me feel good. And the love I receive from others is the cherry on top. It’s not ‘needed,’ so it’s appreciated much more.”

Wow, again that is fracking awesome! After my breakup this past summer, I took several months off from seeking any outside relationships, partly to make sure I was loving myself well, that my confidence was in tact, that I was still full of hope and courage on my own merit. Taking a timeout for yourself and to check in with yourself can be really super important. I had the support of many amazing friends who cheered me on in this personal quest. Thank you, you awesome people! And I cheer you on right back at you!

My efforts did not go un-rewarded. I went into the dating scene with a clear head, an open heart, and a healthy sense of humor. Lord knows you need to be able to laugh at both yourself and the dating scene as there are some darn funny things that will happen! (hey selfie penis photos can look funny!)

There are also some incredible things that can happen, sometimes when you least expect it. I met some wonderful people. All in all, I met several people from OkCupid in person, as well as made some new incredible now in-person friends at Beyond The Love in November. Yay! It’s been exciting to watch it all transpire. Sometimes, when we are really ready, magic can happen… I will admit here that I am totally experiencing full-on New Relationship Energy (NRE) with my local romantic interest – my new beau. And I gotta say, it flipping rocks! It started slowly, partly due to the holidays and traveling commitments, but then started to roll down the mountain like a big luscious amazing snowball. It surprised me frankly. And I’m loving every minute of it! I was skeptically cautious the first few dates. Then this awesome man met my husband on date four (yes, I counted the dates because I am a big, fat DORK admittedly – until they got into double digits and then I lost count). My husband gave me the thumbs up behind my date’s back and I was like “Game On”! I was already feeling pretty good about this prospect, but the hubs is a great judge of character too. So I started to go All In at that point. And I’ve been on Cloud Nine about it all ever since, diving in deeper, with both time commitments as well as letting my heart reach further and further, which brings me to…

The other thing I have learned (thank you, Brené Brown)

“What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. Most people believe vulnerability is weakness. But really vulnerability is courage. We must ask ourselves… are we willing to show up and be seen?”

There are moments that can be downright scary, terrifying even. But if you can push through your own vulnerability, your own fear, your own insecurities, being as emotionally honest as possible – both with yourself and others that you trust – magic can truly emerge right before your very eyes. It can really be “something beautiful”.

I can’t even begin to describe how amazingly beautiful it has been seeing my new love allow himself to truly be seen by me, opening up so eloquently to this humble gal. I am in awe. It’s gorgeous. And I am honored. Thank you… for trusting me, for being brave, for being you. You freaking rock, boyfriend!

Another great friend of mine Becky pointed out this quote that seems appropriate to share here now:

“Love is what we are born with. Fear is what we learn. The spiritual journey is the unlearning of fear and prejudices and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others is the meaning of life. Meaning does not lie in things. Meaning lies in us.”

Wow. I totally dig this too! Heck it’s part of the reason I am polyamorous. I believe in love. Lots of it. And all of its beautiful forms, and with multiple people… at the same time even. Don’t be stingy. Share those awesome feelings, first with yourself, and then share it outwardly. The world needs more AWESOME, positive thinking, feeling and ways of being. How are you showing up in the world today? Are you loving yourself well? Are you loving your partner(s) well? Are you being vulnerable and courageous enough to really let them get to know the real you?

You are beautiful. Don’t ever forget that. Let the good ones in. 

Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)

Kitty