Cheers Sexy People!
Happy holidays, you sexy beasts! Whoohoo! I just got my Christmas tree up last night and I’m pumped! Actually, life is pretty freaking amaze-balls right now in general for me I am so happy to say. You may have noticed that I have been quiet about my dating life as of late. That has been very intentional indeed for a number of reasons. Let me es’plain (say like Desi Arnaz from “I Love Lucy”).
Not only is dating as a polyamorous married woman an interesting and unusual place to hail from. But also dating as a lifestyle journalist BLOGGER has its own set of unique challenges. I have officially been on OK Cupid – a popular dating website that is non-monogamous friendly – since the end of September, so over two months now (wow, time flies!). The adventures started not very awesomely. But that got rectified quickly when my wonderful friend Becky sat me down literally and forced me to answer 100 questions in the app to up my chances of getting some better matches. Prior to that, I had not understood how the algorithms worked. My awesome friend explained that the more questions I answered, the better my experience on OK Cupid would be as I would be happier with“my matches.” This all sounded rather strange to me as it was very different from my 2003 match.com days when I met my husband, and the even earlier personals ad days where you may not even have the luxury of a photo to look at. YES indeed I answered ads with no photos back in 1996 and got a four year relationship with a Patrick Swayze look-alike who also played guitar and became my bass player. I am here to say that I believe in online dating. It has worked successfully for me over and over! People, try to get over the fear and the stigma of meeting people online. The math just makes sense.
So back to the math of the algorithms… As my friend Becky and I sat on the couch in the Outer Banks after I answered 100 questions (which were rather fun and easy to respond to), she then showed me how to browse my matches. Low and behold, “my matches” started to pop up! 96% match! 93% match! 91% match! All in my area! How. Freaking. Interesting. The top match had a very intriguing profile that mentioned… get this: “ethical polyamory is how I roll.” YES!!! Nice pics. Married, which is no problem for this gal. So I wrote him a quick, sweet, and what I hoped was an intriguing note. With all of my online dating experience in the past, I was used to not getting responses back. So short and to the point is good time mangement (that or I use a form letter I kid you not, but I didn’t have one yet). Then I checked my inbox, and several high quality, super intelligent, interesting and handsome dudes had written me. Becky! Wow, you are a freaking rock star!
So off to the races I went. At first, I was shy about mentioning that I was the author of this blog. Then I got bolder and started telling some of my prospective dates about Loving Without Boundaries and my complementary podcast. I thought, hey, if these dudes are going to possibly date me, they need to know that I don’t mess around, and ethical polyamory is how this gal <—- rolls as well! And this is all majorly a part of my life. Take it or leave it.
As I did so, several people whom had checked out my blog asked how it works in terms of dating. Like, was I going to talk about them on my blog? Hmmmm. Good question. In the past, my husband and my former boyfriend didn’t give a hoot if I talked about them here as long as I did not use their names (due mainly to discrimination – most of our friends already know that we are polyamorous). But great question indeed! What if these potential new people I may date are much more private? What if they don’t want to be mentioned at all? Worse, what if I did mention someone and it hurt their feelings, or they got mad at me and some budding relationship would stop before it barely got started? What is the ETHICAL thing to do here? So in response, I decided to not talk about anyone that I was dating at all, at least for awhile, and at least until I got permission from them firsthand. Privacy is a very important aspect of anyone’s life. But it most certainly is still important to know where the line is even with open, honest relationships as well. We need to respect each other as a human being, as a potential lover, as a friend. And above all, try not to piss people off! That would be uncool.
Also truth be told, I didn’t want to “jinx” anything. And I still don’t. There are a very small number of special someone’s that are coming to the forefront of my current dating life. I am very gingerly and happily inviting them into the folds of my life, into my home, even meeting my husband once I deemed that appropriate. One brave step at a time. The bar has been raised for me in what I am looking for in potential partners, extra special someone’s and romantic interests. For me, ethics, honesty and being a genuine sweet and caring person are paramount. So is intelligent and introspective conversation – bonus points for profound wisdom and taking the time to look even deeper. Openly affectionate, willingness to show vulnerability and to very genuinely express oneself is also huge. A sense of humor and easy to be around-ness is awesome too. I also started to realize that any red flags are just that. RUN, don’t walk at any sign of trouble of any kind. At the ripe age of 46, I highly trust my intuition to the max! If my gut or brain says run, I run away very quickly! So when I stick around and go deeper, that is high praise, my dear ones. Otherwise, if you act like an asshole in any way, I’m outta here. Too many fish in the sea, yes even in the polyamorous sea my friends. High quality, ethically non-monogamous peeps are out there. Keep your eyes, ears and minds open! Don’t give up. And trust math. It works. (and as I mentioned, listen to your gut).
Recently, a Loving Without Boundaries community member asked me the below question. I thought I’d take the time to answer it here…
Question: Are you always actively looking for new relationships? Or do you ever get to the point where you feel satisfied and aren’t actively searching?
Answer: I was with only two people for five years. Then I broke up with my boyfriend. I took a few months off from looking for any outside relationships from my marriage. Then got back into the dating pool partly via OK Cupid. Being polyamorous, I’m obviously not monogamous or a one-man woman. So I am seeking say 1, 2 or maybe up to three (if some are not local) high quality, loving, awesome relationships. Once my dance card is full, I’ll take my OKC profile down and focus on those relationships and my life in general. It’s called “poly-saturated” when you are no longer looking for any additional partners.
… UPDATE: I’m officially poly-saturated right now I’m thrilled to say. I have officially decided to take my OKC profile down later this week (after I copy some really sweet notes and other details that I want to keep as I am rather sentimental). My time is very important to me, as I try my best to respect other’s time as well. So no need to leave my profile up for people to view and write me, as I am off the OK Cupid market right now. Time to focus on my well-being, romantically and otherwise, my businesses, my friends, my hobbies, my dear ones, my family.
Also, Christmas shopping! Holy crap am I behind on that front! I have been hard at work behind the scenes on inspirational, fun, kickass and polyamorous-friendly T-shirt designs and other schwagg, some branded with our Loving Without Boundaries message. Every single day, I am trying to live a loving, compassionate life doing my part to help my fellow man and woman. I want to spread the love, the positive message and general awesomeness leaving my mark on the world, creating my own personal legend of love and light. I invite you to please feel free to check out my Loving Without Boundaries shop of cool-ass schwagg. You may find just the right holiday gift or stocking stuffer there. I just bought five shirts myself for some of my dear ones and friends.
Be the change you want to see in the world. Be awesome. Be love. Be happy. Go rock your life. (click this link or the top T-shirt image for a separate Teespring campaign on extra soft fabric. Love this one! I own several and wear them all the time.)
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Did you use a pseudonym for your OK Cupid profile? I ask because we live in a very small (and judgmental) community, and while perusing the OK Cupid site I recognized some people from our very small town who are looking. I wasn’t sure what the proper protocol was with these things. Discretion is very important for us, so any info you could offer is appreciated.
Mr. D, thanks so very much for your comment. I did use a pseudonym for my OKC profile. There are some not nice people out there, so I don’t give out my real name or information until I “vet” someone and use my intuition to decide for myself if they seem sane and like a good person. I also used a photo that was indeed me, but it was not super clear that it was me. Once I “vet” them, I ask for their email and send more photos of me in a private message. That strategy seemed to work great! I hope something here helps you too. 🙂 Discretion – as well as safety particularly for the ladies – is very important and needed. No need to feel awkward about that. Let me know how it goes and good luck!
Good on you!! I loved my OKC experience!! Lots of men, lots of fun. And in ones 40’s-it’s hard to meet men-polyamory aside.
Thank you, clarathegreat! You were partly some of my inspiration to keep at it with OKC as you had told me about your success. Thank you for that! You rock! Lots of men, lots of fun indeed! If we’re patient, the right guy (or two or three) will crop up and show himself. I agree about meeting people in our 40’s. Have a great weekend!
Loved reading about being polyamorous and a writer and how that may conflict with other’s needs to be confidential. I ran into that myself some time ago and got stuck! I didn’t have the same experience with OKC, mainly met folks just looking to swing or heavily into BDSM, neither of which are my flavor! Glad it was different for you!
Thank you so much for your comment! Yes it was actually a funny and weird realizing about the conflict of confidentiality and being a polyamorous blogger. It is easy to get stuck there, isn’t it? I want to help others by telling them about my adventures, but I don’t want to say anything to offend or hurt any of my sweeties. It’s a bit of a conundrum. I would suggest not giving up on OKC. Maybe revisit your profile to see if there is anything there that might be attracting a heavy swing community or BDSM and tweak it. Good luck! Thank you for your words here. You rock!