Cheers Sexy People!
The time has finally come… after performing post-breakup soul searching, doing MORE research on why people cheat, enjoying some quality time with my amazing husband as well as lots of ME time to make sure my self-esteem is intact, I have ventured back out into the dating world. Not just any dating world – the dating world as a polyamorous married woman. The last time – and actually only time – I did that was about four years ago. That’s as long as it takes to get a typical college degree! (and earning a college degree seemed like an eternity, as well as a really long amazing party!!! I have pictures to prove it – but I, um… have a questionable perm in all of them. Eek!). 🙂
When the Big Breakup (and discovery of multiple infidelities) happened, I had no desire to date for quite awhile. Also, I knew that a smart woman would take some much needed time to heal and recover before subjecting myself onto someone else. I gave myself three months. I thought that was a “smart” and practical amount of time. After about 2.5 months, a friend helped me realize that I was actually becoming a bit bored and feeling some ennui about my life – which kind of shocked me! I’m quite the busy girl with alot going on! But just being busy and thankfully enjoying what I do for a living apparently isn’t me living life at full throttle and 100% alive. That conversation helped me realize that I was READY! Besides, even if I went to an online dating site, I wouldn’t meet anyone in person for a few weeks anyway – thus THREE MONTHS ACHIEVED! I could totally live with that.
One of my good friends found her current (married and polyamorous) partner of 1.5 years online at OKCupid. Back then she had explained to me that there was some fancy way that you could say you were “available” even though when you fill out the profile, you could list as being in a relationship or married for example. It sounded complicated at the time – like you had to hack the code or something. 🙂 I was pleasantly surprised when I went to OKCupid and there was plain as day a “monogamous” or “non-monogamous” selection. Then within that, you could select “strictly” or “mostly” to indicate severity of your choice. Nice! That’s not too bad! So I selected “married” and “mostly non-monogamous”, and I was off to the races!
It’s been an interesting (and not boring) two weeks or so on OKCupid. Everything that I ever learned about online dating is all flooding back to me. Ahhhh, the memories. You see, I am a pioneer in online dating having started back in the ancient days of 1996. My first (serial monogamous) online relationship lasted four years. With that success, I kept going. I met my husband on match.com in 2003 and met my boyfriend on a dating site as well. Success after success! Even with the breakup, I don’t believe my first polyamorous relationship was a failure at all – I learned oodles, we created many fond memories together, both of our lives are better for having known each other, and we had a ton of fun together. Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the ride!
Though I’m happy that it seems OKCupid has evolved to at least hint at polyamory over the years, there is still alot to be desired. Many profiles don’t list any relationship status at all let alone “monogamous” or “non-monogamous” (because it’s not required), thus you have no idea if they are open to polyamory or not, or if they are partnered or not. And of course you also have no idea if the people behind the profiles are practicing relationships ethically or with integrity. It’s a big guess! Cross your fingers! Any many people never read YOUR profile at all or your details where you list your preferences either! They just ogle your pic, and if you look even remotely human, you get “hey pretty. wanna meet me for a drink? ur hot.” Those are exceptionally tasty morsels to receive (that was sarcasm in case it’s not clear). Delete! If they write me repeatedly after I have not responded (BTW News Alert: there is no way to respond to every single message that a woman receives – there isn’t enough time to manage that as men outnumber women!), then they get blocked. If someone doesn’t respond to you on a dating site, it either means “no thanks” or “I haven’t decided yet – please be patient” or “I’m so busy that I have not even read your message yet! Again, patience please, bruthah!” … I hope that advice helps some would-be suitors out there.
And here’s a big tip for the fellas! If you get to the point of sharing (convos and) photos offline from OKCupid, note that if a woman wants to see your penis pic, she will ask for it! No Unsolicited Penis Pics! And I for one will NEVER ask for a penis pic! (and I’m betting alot of other woman would not either). Keep that thing in your pants and away from your camera for now, guys. Don’t ruin the surprise for the ladies if you ever get to that point. Anticipation and build up is half of the fun! Relax! Go watch some porn if you need to!
So what has been the outcome on this adventure so far? Well, after I spent way more time than I would like explaining polyamory, my relationship status, how I got to where I am now with my marriage, and answered many more questions by those with only a limited understanding of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy – I had three dates.
Date #1 – Nice guy. Great (as well as deep) conversation. No fireworks upon first meeting. I’d see him again to explore further. I think he may have been a bit nervous. I know I was.
Date #2 – Flat. Out. Awful. Came off as a sleezy guy in person, and spoke like a sleezy, unethical guy in person (but was very respectful and classy prior to that in earlier exchanges…. hmmm… it’s a trap!). He also tried to grope me all night until I had to practically scream at him to get off of me and go home. Then… get this… he sent me a penis pic the next day! Doh!
Date #3 – Absolutely. Freaking. Fantastic. Now I will admit this third date is NOT someone that I found on OKCupid. It is an old friend that I met in an online forum several years ago. We had lost touch but recently reconnected. And this was our first face to face meeting. Nice bit of (hard-earned) luck! Getting to know someone through email first can help establish a great friendship, which helped. What happens next remains to be seen.
And the excitement will continue, and I will continue to learn and meet new people. OKCupid and online dating is a bit like a “people zoo” if you will where you get to watch and learn, ask questions and see what makes people tick. Eventually if you keep at it, you may even find someone awesome. After all, sometimes life is like a series of experiments. Sometimes the experiments are on yourself! How much online dating can you tolerate?! How many new people can you meet in a week? I think three is my limit. What an adventure though!
As I am going through this experience, it has me thinking quite a bit about the process of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy being more accepted into society. How long will it take? What is blocking that to happen besides the obvious pressure of heteronormative traditional monogamy being so prevalent in society? A friend recently shared the below article with me. It gives me great pleasure to share it with you:
http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/10/monogamy-myths-polyamory/
So I have a question: Do you think the world needs a quality ethical non-monogamy dating website? Perhaps one that covers both those who are polysexual as well as polyamorous (but that would be a required item to select on your profile so there is no guessing). I know openminded.com and kotango.com exist but they are both fairly new I believe. Has anyone here used them effectively? What do you think? Discuss! 🙂
Wishing you peace, love and happiness!
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
Hi Kitty! I love OkCupid. Aside from my wife, that’s where I’ve met all of my long term partners. If you’re interested, I have a guide for doing OkC while poly. It’s based on a workshop I’ve done at several poly conferences. Also, feel free to PM me (I’m wfenza on every website ever) if you’d like help with your profile.
http://livingwithinreason.com/the-comprehensive-guide-to-okcupid/
How awesome, wfenza! Thank you so much for your feedback and for sharing this super cool guide! Sounds like you are quite the experienced one and had much success at OKCupid. Good for you! And thanks also for the generous offer of your time to check out my profile. I may indeed take you up on that. 🙂
LOL!!! Love it! I also met my long-term honey on OKC – and before him had many, MANY lovely dates and great sexual experiences. Nah – I don’t think we need any dating sites just for poly people. I simply said “I’m married and polyamorous” on my profile . Done – no surprises. The more we poly people do this the more we show through our actions in the world that there isn’t anything wrong with it. Besides – it’s the safest place to do it! anyone who calls you out on your dating profile has to then admit 1) they’re on there too 2) they were checking you out. AWKWARD (as my 13 year old would say). And I know, I know – small towns, small minds, not for everybody. I get it. But if you can be open and honest without facing a real and actual threat (losing your job, being run out of town, being thrown out of your religion) I believe that people should seriously think about it.
Hi Clarathegreat. How cool to know that you met your long-term honey on OKC. Good for you! Wow, and that all sounds awesome that you also created many happy and sexy adventures there as well. Also, great to hear your perspective that you don’t feel we need another poly dating site. And yes, great point that the “more we poly people do this the more we show through our actions in the world that there isn’t anything wrong with it.” Right on! Just to maintain some privacy to anyone that I’m not “out” with, I used a photo that is totally me, but my hair looks a bit different than it is today. Then I send photos to people that I am interested in if we make it that far to give a clearer picture. I’m not having a shortage of interest, so that’s is working quite nicely so far.
hahaha “awkward”!
One of my partners hadn’t thought of non-monogamy as an option until I met him, he was single and open to it. Now 2 yrs later he’s loving poly and more comfortable in his skin than ever. He’s got another gal in the same town his folks live in and he’s really enjoying things. He might not have discovered poly had it not been for me messaging him.
Great story! Thanks for sharing that bit of awesome. That did cross my mind – that by being on an all-inclusive dating site, it’s another opportunity to educate and create awareness about the polyamorous / ethical non-monogamy lifestyle. That’s great news that your sweetie took to poly so well and now loves it. I’m so happy for both of you. Sounds like it has helped his confidence too. Hooray! Another mind expanded that is enjoying it and feels fulfilled! Whoot!
“Do you think the world needs a quality ethical non-monogamy dating website?” Yes! i’m so tired of having to explain my polyamorous nature, yes nature, to men. to having them assume i’m willing to have affairs (i’m not) & to putting up with all the stupid assumptions they make. ugh.
I hear you, thank you for sharing your perspective. I am getting varying feedback on this point from this post. I can see both sides, and I agree with you that it feels to me like a time-waster to have to explain and re-explain what polyamory is, and then after that, you might not even have a connection or willingness to go there by others on the site. I also am not interested in having affairs with those cheating on their wives AT ALL, nor am I interested in casual sex only – which many assume even after the explanation of “loving more than one” is given. They often assume lots of sex, promiscuity and/or a “free for all.” I’m with you, sister!
Great post. I think one of the big issues with polyamory being “accepted” is that there are people out there calling themselves polyamorous who are in fact not. I was recently in my first allegedly poly relationship with a married man (yes, I met the wife). In the end it was all based on lying and manipulation which was justified as being “for my own good” because I was perceived as “not being able to handle poly.” So instead of having an adult conversation with me about how maybe poly wasn’t for me (their perception), they just hid other partners from me. Inevitably I would find out. Of course I’m not in favor of trying another poly relationship any time soon…. even though my other poly friends have assured me “that’s not poly. That’s something else.” I know that doesn’t really respond to your question, but it is an issue that’s out there that reflects poorly on poly in general, when people are behaving in an unethical manner. Based on my experience, monogamy looks pretty damn good right now. (I know that’s not logical, but it’s not surprising either).
Love your blog. Won’t stop reading, even if I’m not practicing.
I love your comment and thoughts! Thanks so much for your contribution here and the compliment on the post. Your thoughts here really got me thinking and I may create a blog post about it in your honor. I am always concerned about people that are “giving poly a bad name.” It causes me great concern, as I believe it is impeding acceptance of polyamory as a valid relationship choice. I was in a similar situation with you where my ex-boyfriend opted to not tell me about other partners in his mind “for my own good,” and partly because he found it just easier to keep them from me. The problem was of course that his decision to do that violated ALL of our accepted agreements with each other. And same as you, I inevitably found out – both times by the “other women” bringing it very dramatically to my attention. Apparently he ticked off alot of women, including me. I personally cannot “switch off” my poly nature. I am what I am! So after I healed, I’m getting myself back out into the arena. But I would like to point out to you the obvious: there are liars and cheaters in monogamous relationships as well as polyamorous relationships. Buyer beware, as they say! Best to you! Thank you so much for reading my blog and commenting. It really means the world to me. <3
xoxo
Kitty
Indeed, there are cheaters everywhere. Unfortunately in this scenario, the so-called poly guy justifies his behavior precisely because he claims to be poly, going so far as to say “you knew what you were getting into.”
But I was getting into openness and honesty. Not lying and deception. Pretty much the only rule we had was disclosure. And to be honest in general.
It’s really mind-boggling how people can refuse to own their behavior.
I look forward to your post on this topic!
openminded.com and other so called poly dating sites that charge a fee for any real benefit are not very useful in my view. Kotango is down for maintenance for a while, but I expect that when they are back up and running, they will be a good dating site because they are also a good poly social site. It would also be nice if Polyamory Network would set up a dating app.
Hi Jim! Thanks for your valuable information and sharing. Have you used kotango.com in the past? I have not and am curious what you think about it. I highly value your opinion. I wonder why it has been down for maintenance. Maybe they are enhancing it? I am of course on Polyamory Network (as I believe that is where we know each other), but I do not currently view it as a dating site, or a place to find a lover. But who knows, eh? Any place I can find like-minded quality awesome peeps is OK by me!
I admire the fact that you own your poly-ness and that honesty and integrity are things you choose to demand. I believe, due to a lot of dating sites, poly has gotten a bad name. I don’t even know that I’m poly, but I’ve been working at it and have been part of a poly household for four and a half years. I also spent a couple of those years on OKCupid. During that time, I talked with many men who claimed they were poly as well. But upon meeting them I discovered that the majority were just looking for some sex and apparently believed that because I identified as poly, that was all I was looking for as well. I met guys who didn’t have any experience with poly and were under the impression that it was one sexual escapade after another. I deleted my profile after two years and only meeting one guy who I have maintained a good friendship with.
Right now I do not see myself as poly even though I am live in a poly pod. I have been told by so many poly people that unless I am having sex with more than one person, Right now, I am actually asexual. so according to most people I am no longer poly. The problem is that everyone seems to have a definition of poly that suits their purposes. A friend told me that the problem with the word polyamorus is that it is rooted in two languages–Latin and Greek. I take the definition plain and simply as many loves but many others say it means many lovers (must include sex). Does a monogamous person suddenly become not a monogamist if they aren’t having sex?
I apologize, I’m getting way off topic here. I enjoy reading your blogs and will continue to do so whether I am poly or not. Good luck and many loves!
Thank you for your lovely comment, Nai’a. Yes I can’t really imagine living any other way than demanding honesty and integrity and in the case of ending my latest relationship – saying B’bye when that is not happening repeatedly. Next! I agree that poly has gotten a bad name in many regards. From what you wrote, I do want to clarify a few things from my perspective. There are actually two “poly” words, and when we just use the blanket word “poly”, I think it can be confusing which one we are referring to:
polysexual: one emotionally intimate connection, but sex with more than one (think along the lines of recreational sex, but no feelings are “allowed” to be developed), sex is a focus on this term.
polyamory: more than one love, thus emotional connections with more than one person are allowed. From my understanding, sex may or may not be involved. Emotions and the freedom to develop feelings for multiple people is the focus of this term, thus emotions are more of the focus.
Does that shed some light on some of the points that you brought up, as well as conversations that you are having with others? Also, I would recommend shying away from letting others tell YOU what you are doing and who you are. That is for you to reflect on and decide for yourself. So also, the men you met on OKC could have been correct that they were “poly” in the form of being “polysexual”. There is a distinction there that is important to point out. There is nothing wrong with being polysexual. I believe we all get to make choices for ourselves and should have the freedom to act on them.
As far as your sex question: identifying as either monogamous or non-monogamous has nothing to do with whether you actually have a partner at that time that you may be having sex with. It’s how YOU identify your own inclinations. If you prefer monogamy, then you are monogamous. If you are open to the idea (whether you have partners or not) for multiple partners / loves, then one might identify as polyamorous. Some others still identify as “monogam-ish” if they feel somewhere in between. Does that help?
Thank you so much for your kind comments about my blog. No worries at all on the topic switch. All questions are welcome here! We are inclusive here at LWB! Good luck to you as well! I wish you the very best of everything!
xoxo
Kitty
Hi there! I really like Kotango. I met my first boyfriend there but I also like OKCupid. Kotango is slower moving but the quality of men above average. The problem is that poly people are small numbers and we have to try many avenues to connect with others. I’m doing my best to pollinate a few myself.
Thanks for your feedback on Kotango. I only recently learned of its existence. But I also heard it was down for maintenance. Good to know that you met someone special there. Why do you think Kotango is slower moving? Is it because there are fewer people on that site since it is a more specific niche? I’d love to hear your thoughts. I’m definitely enjoying the adventure so far. And meeting new, open-minded people is always fun in and of itself. Good luck on your adventures!