Holy Shit – I’m an EMPATH! … How Polyamory and Grief Can Play in the Same Sandbox

Cheers Sexy People!

Last week, I wrote about how I was devastated and deeply saddened by losing a dear friend, colleague and mentor in a tragic accident while he was about to reach the summit of the tallest mountain in Africa – an achievement he always wanted. It just completely broke my heart to see this incredible man be taken from this earth so soon at the tender age of 33 when he was at the peak of his life, physically and metaphorically. Selfishly, I also thought I NEEDED him here on earth! I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to this man, and I was hoping to meet him next year after he returned from his epic trip. I was also confused about why I was so grief-stricken by the untimely death of a man I never met in person. More about that in a minute…

As I was overcome with shock and disbelief at this horrible news, my husband gently listened to me and my upset. I didn’t really take note that he was looking anxious and somewhat upset himself. Why was he acting so weird? But I had a hard time focusing on that as I started to spiral down to the depths of my pain towards grief. Finally, my husband sat at the end of the bed (which he normally never does), and turned to face me and said he wanted to talk about something. I wondered “what could possibly be so important that he needs to discuss it now after I just told him this tragic news about someone I truly and deeply care about?” But I acquiesced because he really seemed like he needed to talk. Plus maybe the distraction from my increasing pain might be good…

My husband went on to tell me that he and my new-ish friend stayed up late the night before after I had gone to bed (passed out is more like it as I had too much wine in the hot tub). He went on to say that they talked for hours… about polyamory, about relationships, about how our marriage works and how we “do” polyamory. And that she then acted very flirtatious and friendly with him, and eventually kissed him… and um… he kissed back. He looked terribly anxious and frazzled as he told me. He also went on to say that he barely slept the night before, as he was nervous and concerned about telling me this. He did also acknowledge that this moment may not have been the best moment to tell me – but he felt like he didn’t want any more time to pass before he divulged this information. Plus his new amorous friend was texting him to find out what I said as she was concerned about my reaction as well, so…

I kind of stared at him like “duh, we’re poly. It’s fine.” And then I think I said something like… “Duh, we’re poly. It’s fine.”  🙂   I mean, in my mind, the fact that my husband kissed a girl that happens to be my new friend was normal, basic, and not-a-big-deal news. And it was completely overshadowed by the sorrowful and anger-inducing loss of my friend… I was thinking… “So you kissed a girl. Good for you! Who cares? Please get me a glass of water now as I might pass out from grief and a headache. Thank you very much. Now help me figure out if this horrible email about Scott’s death is a hoax or not.” Spoiler alert: it was not a hoax. 🙁

I’m making light of this conversation with my husband that fateful morning partly for comic effect. But it also is very true and real. To me in regards to our journey with ethical non-monogamy, kissing someone that you “like in that way” is an absolutely fantastic and wonderful thing! Something to be celebrated! I love kissing attractive men that I genuinely like as human beings too! That freaking rocks! And especially while wrapping one’s head around death – let’s celebrate life, shall we? Life is about living! Getting out there, connecting with people, being the best that we can be. Living our dream. My dream is to live a happy, healthy, ethically non-monogamous life in peace. And try to pave the way as much as I can for others to do the very same thing. Shouldn’t we all be able to love who we want to love, be who we want to be, and kiss who we want to kiss? It’s a kiss for cripe’s sake! Now, I did appreciate that they did not go and “get jiggy with it” right away out of respect for me, taking it slow and being responsible adults. That would have maybe been too much to bear, especially on that difficult morning. Thank you, baby! My theory is: if we are meant to be with someone, there is no reason NOT to take it slow, make sure people’s feelings are respected, be certain that you know what you are doing and that it is the “right” thing to do (for yourself and others), and walk through doors with your eyes open. Live with no regrets, including regrets of potentially hurting someone’s feelings or not treading lightly when one knows they should. Regret is what you should fear most in my book!

BUT I would like to point something out here:
Many people ask us how our marriage works – “this things you speak of… what is it again? Poly-amor-y?” Well, this is one way it works for us. We communicate right away when something has happened that we feel the other should know. We are open, honest, transparent, and are all… “hey, is this cool with you before I go any further?” with each other. Why? Because it helps us each feel supported, loved, trusted, taken care of and not taken for granted. Also, because we said so. That’s how we decided our marriage works, and those are our agreements, and we are honoring them. Done and dusted. 

Now, back to my earlier self-question about “why was I so deeply affected and saddened about the death of a man that I never met?” I partly got that question answered this week by someone in our awesome community, Joe C., sharing the below articles with me. I dare say, I believe I am an “empath!” I feel very deeply and strongly, which can mean I can really feel joy and deep happiness, as well as be truly thrilled for other people’s successes and wins! But also, I feel pain very deeply – I felt deep sorrow for Scott’s now widow, Chelsea and what she must be going through. I was completely shattered for several days after the loss of my friend, even though it was only an online relationship thus far. Our entire relationship existed over email. But I KNEW him. I loved him. I loved the literal ESSENCE of who he is and was. I love his teaching. And I was devastated that this man and his heart have vanished from this earth. I am an empath. I FEEL… I can feel deep concern for myself and others. I guess it’s partly why I write this blog. I want to help. I want to understand. I want us all to find joy and happiness and love. Let’s go, shall we? Come with me!

Here are the two articles I referenced:
The Traits of an Empath and How to Recognize One:
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/traits-of-an-empath-how-to-recognise-one/

And the original article that brought me to the above that speaks of “The Toxic Attraction between an Empath and a Narcissist” which I fear (but accept) may describe my last relationship quite accurately – at times at least.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/the-toxic-attraction-between-an-empath-a-narcissist/

Hey, I like to be self-aware and “own my shit.” Also, I love doing my best to become a self-expert. If I lean towards having traits of an empath, so be it. Now I know. How about you? What are your thoughts about anything written here? Are you an empath for example?

Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)

Kitty

If you would like to have an authentic, clarifying conversation with me so we can discuss ways to help you create loving, happy, secure, and exciting open relationships, feel free to learn more about my coaching services here. Then the button at the bottom of that page will offer you the opportunity to book a FREE Breakthrough Session with me – taking you directly into my calendar. I look forward to speaking with you!