The Power of Community in Times of Grief – Losing Loved Ones Who Accept Us

Cheers Sexy People!

I am writing you with a heavy heart today after learning about a tragic loss yesterday that I am deeply deeply saddened by. A good friend of mine, a friend that also became a colleague of mine as well as a supporter of my endeavors here at Loving Without Boundaries died suddenly in a natural disaster as he was living a lifelong dream of climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro in Tanzania with his wife during a year-long worldwide tour that he was undertaking. This inspirational man’s name was Scott Dinsmore – a gentle and humble soul who lived his life with the utmost integrity. I met him through his company, mission and movement called Live Your Legend. I am grieving very whole-heartedly Scott’s passing, very heartbroken and truly devastated that this incredible man is no longer with us in this life, on this Earth. I am still partly in shock, and I know I have more tears to shed.

I met Scott through his incredible How To Connect with Anyone course when I was frightened about leaving corporate life last year and felt I had nowhere to turn — there was Scott’s beacon of happiness and hope shining bright. I decided to quit my soul sucking job partly because I found it no longer rewarding. When I was struggling through feelings of deep sadness over my own losses, I realized that the only thing that brought me happiness and fulfillment was writing this very blog to all of you wonderful people, and singing in drag on stage playing Frank ‘N’ Furter in a production my sister and I conceived performing all of the songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show live – where I could wear my freak flag and celebrate sexual freedom. Something had to change so that I could find my “happy” again. I mustered up the courage to put in my resignation, partly so that I could spend more time here writing to you helping create my own “revolution” surrounding acceptance and tolerance as well as fostering education of alternative relationships such as ethical non-monogamy and polyamory.

In the How To Connect with Anyone course, Scott talked of being truly authentic and vulnerable in an effort to really connect with other people and create community. During one exercise early in the course, I shared this blog with the community there, and why I write it and for whom and essentially “came out” as polyamorous for the first time in front of “professional” people that did not know me personally. What I received in return was complete acceptance, as well as kudos for my bravery and courage to share such a personal element of myself (using my real name, not my pseudonym “Kitty”). Scott taught me that it is valuable and essential to live out loud and proud of who you are. To sing it from the mountain tops! To shine your light and life with the world to help make the world a better place. To find strength and pride in who you are and what you stand for. To do your part to leave your legacy to create something beautiful and awesome in this world. To serve and help other people on their journey through this thing called life – a life that can be snatched away at any moment leaving a hole where someone beautiful and magical used to exist.

When I was preparing to speak at the 4th International Conference of the Future of Monogamy and Non-monogamy in Berkeley, California, Scott was both thrilled for me and offered advice and coaching to help me prepare to speak. Scott was an incredibly excellent speaker whose Ted Talk has been viewed by literally millions of people around the world. Having him in my corner for my first speaking engagement ever (and as a polyamorous woman no less) was an honor and a privilege that I will never forget. I hope I can honor his memory by not only doing more speaking engagements, but by knocking it out of the park with my enthusiasm and passion for my mission the way he did in every single thing that he endeavored to do.

Every good thing that I have in my life right now including friends, colleagues, my businesses and movements that I’m building as a fledgeling entrepreneur, I have Scott to thank. My new LWB podcast would not exist if it weren’t for people that I met through Scott’s community. Many of you know that I struggled on and off with depression years ago after suffering a series of losses (losing both my mother and father, and then suffering through the struggles of infertility among other things). I even attribute getting and staying out of depression partly to Scott and his happy warm light of awesome as well. He and his wife Chelsea helped teach me about “Random Acts of Kindness” and their impact when they began their journey of traveling this year. Some of their first posts were about them doing random acts of kindness all over the world. He also taught me to help make someone’s day every day. There were many many days where an email from Scott or a message from him on his LYL website made MY day. Make someone’s day. You never know when it might be their last.

I would like to state here today that I am taking the torch from Scott and carrying his light forward from this day forward and for the rest of my days. I want to live a life that I can be truly proud of serving as many people as possible, helping them live happy and satisfied lives, and enjoying loving and sustainable relationships. I want to do my part and then some to leave my own legacy for as many days as I have. In order to serve this community better at Loving Without Boundaries, I am researching relationship coaching programs and starting to outline various courses that I can offer that can help us all learn about creating satisfying and deep connections with our loved ones in our multiple partner configurations. I want to continue to build a strong community here where we support each other, love and honor each other with mutual respect and appreciation. I want to do whatever I can to truly help make the world a better place for all of us. I did not know her, but many of you know that one of the leaders of the polyamory movement, Deborah Anapol recently passed away as well – another great loss in our community and someone that I want to honor with my own efforts in this space.

When my father died, I found the below poem. I had it put on his mass card because somehow it comforted me. It reminds me that we are all connected, that we are all made from the same “stuff” and that we all affect each other and therefore “never die” as we are remembered by your loved ones carrying on…

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

— Anonymous

My deepest deepest condolences for Chelsea, Scott’s family and close friends and everyone else who is touched by this terrible tragedy of Scott’s passing.

Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)

Kitty