Cheers Sexy People!
I am writing you on the other side of a devastating, horrific breakup of both one of my relationships and my poly family as I had come to know it. Just weeks shy of celebrating our fifth anniversary, my boyfriend and I have broken up and he has moved out of our house, which feels emptier and a bit lonelier at the moment, save for these two sweet kitties here. Thankfully, I have been quite busy with some traveling and awesome friends. Life is carrying on, I am very happy to say.
I would like to tell you my tale though, ponder what it all means, and welcome you to offer feedback and your own insights. I hope something here helps some of you, my cherished readers. Please feel free to learn from my mistakes, heed any warnings and take what you will from this post. Here goes…
Three and half weeks ago, I was sitting on the couch on a lazy Sunday morning – my husband was cooking breakfast and my boyfriend was sitting next to me. Then I received the below text from a woman that my beau and I met through mutual friends at an event several years back shortly after he moved into our house. He had dated her for several months, and then broke it off partly because she had some erratic behavior and generally brought some drama to the scene. At that time, my beau (whom I’ll refer to as “Barry” for ease of this post) decided to discontinue seeing her shortly after we were also warned about her “craziness” by a good friend as well, who advised “back away slowly”.
The text I received that day said:
“I don’t intend to cause any more drama however, (Barry) and I have been seeing each other off and on for a over a year. He lies to you constantly. I realized recently he truly doesn’t care about anyone except himself. I’m sorry, but you have a right to know and I feel so gross about all this but (Barry) would have never told you.”
I was stunned.
I held the phone in my hand, stared at it and read it several times as my heart raced. My whole life as I currently knew it was about to change. I took a deep breath, handed the phone to Barry to read it. The first response that he uttered was “she’s crazy…” Ya think? But apparently you like to dip into the crazy pool, all behind my back. Then I showed it to my husband. The next hour or so is a blur but essentially, I immediately told Barry that he and I were completely done and he had two weeks to move out, as I am not living with an ex-boyfriend and a person who lies to my face about God knows what else, and also someone who is effectively ruining his own life and disregarding other people or the hurt that he is causing. My home is my sanctuary. And anyone who brings drama, unnecessary pain, unhappiness and a lack of integrity needs to GET THE F*CK OUT! Seriously. Two weeks. Get out. My boundaries, my trust and our agreements have all been breached massively.
Truth be told I had noticed that I was somewhat falling out of love with Barry since March after the first breach of trust that I had touched on here. There was a confusing incident where I had found out that Barry had broken our agreements and had an affair shortly after he had moved in. If you’ve been reading my posts, you know we went through several months of talking, healing and rebuilding trust and discussing our agreements and if he was truly willing to be honest, transparent and not hide relationships / partners from me. Our agreements involved practicing Open Awareness, which means Barry does not require my permission to have relationships / sex with others. BUT for my own physical health and emotional well-being in our open relationship, he needs to tell me shortly after he has taken on a new intimate partner. Then I get to have a choice about how I respond to that. By keeping affairs, relationships, and sex partners a secret and hiding the truth, my ability to make my own decisions and my own choices is thus taken away from me, all without my consent. If for example, he chooses to date someone that I find not sane, not trustworthy, or that I simply do not like, I get to choose what to do. That might mean I ask him to date them off premises and not around or near me, or I decide maybe to discontinue seeing my boyfriend if I feel either he or the potential metamour is toxic to me personally. Also, I have a right to know who else he is having sex with for basic health / STD reasons. Does the metamour (and any partners she may have) get tested regularly? This is all information I have a right to know.
What my husband and I started to realize as events unraveled was these incidents were only the tip of the proverbial iceberg. How many other partners did Barry have that I don’t know about? I have no idea because he cowardly refused to have a truthful conversation about it with me. He literally and figuratively ran away like a little boy. I have lost respect for him and certainly fell out of love with him.
Love is a choice.
We CHOOSE to love someone. To spend our time with them. To enjoy their company and have them near us. To be intimate emotionally and physically. We can also CHOOSE when it is time to let them go. To fall out of love. To make space for something better, bigger, more truthful, more passionate, more REAL (not make-believe). I choose TRUTH. I choose honesty. I choose transparency. I choose polyamory. I also choose me, because I love myself.
To state this concept yet again once and for all:
Irresponsible, UN-ethical non-monogamy DOES NOT EQUAL polyamory!
That is philandering. That is lying. That is living outside of your own integrity. That is being a cheater who has no respect for others. You cheat in polyamory by breaking agreements with your partner (actually it is the same in monogamy: Break Agreement = Cheating.)
Many of you are probably wondering WHY? Why lie about partners in an OPEN RELATIONSHIP? I can only speak for my own experience here. I believe that Barry lied because he took what he perceived as the “easy route” by avoiding a potentially difficult conversation. Also, he thought he knew better what was best for himself and for me, and he thought he wouldn’t get caught… or he didn’t care about the consequences in an act of insanity because of the following…
I have been doing alot of research about all of this both to help me heal, and to help me understand. I still want to come from a place of compassion, love, and of understanding. As this all unraveled, we uncovered that it’s possible that Barry has acute depression – that he may be “acting out” in an attempt to “self-soothe” the depression. It has been brought to my attention that other types of mental illness may be at play, such as a possible personality disorder, which is:
-
a deeply ingrained and maladaptive pattern of behavior of a specified kind, typically manifest by the time one reaches adolescence and causing long-term difficulties in personal relationships or in functioning in society.
I also read quite a bit about sexual addiction (which is technically not currently a diagnosable condition and some question whether it truly exists, though I do). As a comparison, alcoholism is an addiction that comes about partly because someone is not dealing with their real demons head on, and is using excessive alcohol to self-soothe or numb-out while abusing it to the point that it is negatively affecting their health, well-being and their relationships. Also, sex (and the “high” that can come from it) can certainly be “used” in excessive amounts to the point of destruction and self-sabotage, all while hurting others to that end without regard for them. It also is apparent to me that Barry refuses to get help. He would literally rather get drunk and screw than deal with his demons – demons that probably started from neglectful parenting and emotional abuse as a child. That sucks but he’s a big boy now and needs to learn to take care of himself. Man up!
It is really tough when someone you love just isn’t functioning well and doesn’t see it or doesn’t care enough to get help. It hurts to watch.
This awful experience has once again helped me realize that I am passionate about mental, physical and emotional health. I am sad for him. Even though I fell out of love with him, I still love him as a human being. I don’t want to see anyone suffer unnecessarily. Help is out there. There is such pain in hiding parts of who you really and truly are. But one thing I know for sure:
Pathological lying and Polyamory do no get to play in the same sandbox (or in my home).
And I also would like to point out:
Love is a gift.
A gift to be cherished. To be kept safe. If you are not grateful for and truly VALUE what you have, if you do not take care of it and protect it, you will lose it. Plain and simple. Say goodbye now.
Though this breakup was truly painful, I still do not regret one moment that I spent with my boyfriend. Whether he knows it or not, he helped me through some of my most difficult years, and I will always be thankful for that. He also helped me realize more about who I am, what my potential is and how much courage I actually have. We created alot of wonderful and amazing memories together that I cherish. I do love him even though he has problems. I guess that’s also what love is. But I cannot control what happens next – I have to let go.
Lastly, I REFUSE to let this experience make me give up hope on living a happy, ethically non-monogamous life with people who truly want the same. I will not let this derail me from my path that I have laid out before you here. I will keep interviewing you all, sharing what I learn, devoting my life to living with integrity and helping others do the same. I love you all. Thank you for the love and support many of you have shown me over the past few weeks. I cherish you, more than you know. And I welcome your thoughts.
Here is a short quiz about sexual addiction:
http://psychcentral.com/quizzes/sexquiz.htm
I will leave you with one last article that discusses abuse in poly relationships:
http://everydayfeminism.com/2015/05/abuse-in-poly-relationships/
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
If you would like to have an authentic, clarifying conversation with me so we can discuss ways to help you create loving, happy, secure, and exciting open relationships, feel free to learn more about my coaching services here. Then the button at the bottom of that page will offer you the opportunity to book a FREE Breakthrough Session with me – taking you directly into my calendar. I look forward to speaking with you!
Oh kitty I am so sorry you are having to go through this drama. I totally agree with your decision. I have walked in your shoes in a similar situation. The ethical part is a must and in my view is a non negotiable. Take care of yourself as you heal. I am around if you need a shoulder.
Thank you so much, Angel Barbie. I appreciate your love, support and kind words of empathy. Drama really sucks. I would like less of it in my life, as I’m sure many of us do (but wow, some people seem to thrive on it!) Thanks for letting me know that you agree with my decision. I am so sorry that you had to go through a similar situation. Ethics and finding sane and responsible partners truly is a must. I will do my best. Your words mean the world to me. <3
So sorry to hear this! Your compassion, love and understanding are admirable – and they will certainly pull you through into a place of healing and growth. As a licensed mental health professional – I can tell you that people do stupid, thoughtless, dickish things for no good reason except for their emotional immaturity, cowardice and selfishness. There is not currently a diagnosis for that! But that doesn’t mean therapy can’t help people gain insight and move forward in a healthier way. I’m not sold on sexual addiction – I lean towards the sexual compulsion side- But the consequences are the same and the behavior is dangerous emotionally and physically. I am again, so sorry you had to go through this. Best to you – and lots of love and light from NYC.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and supportive comment. And thank you for your very kind and complimentary words. I have definitely learned the hard way over the years that finding your own compassion, love and understanding helps you heal faster, think through problems in a more productive way, and have more empathy for other people and what they are going through. How cool that you are mental health professional! I did not know that! Thank you for offering your unique perspective. Great to hear your wisdom that “I can tell you that people do stupid, thoughtless, dickish things for no good reason except for their emotional immaturity, cowardice and selfishness.” For some reason, that gives me some comfort. Yes, healthy relationships and wishing health and happiness to those I care about is what I am after. I hear you about “sexual addiction” which to me is a compulsion, but maybe those words do mean different things. I’d love to hear your thoughts on that. How is addiction different than compulsion? Yes, his behavior is dangerous to himself and others. He is hurting others, and well, that’s just not cool – let alone what he is doing to himself. I feel for him. I wish he was talking to someone such as yourself. Thank you! Lots of love and light back over to you from DC! Waving at you from the South! 🙂
Since through my journey I have become a subject matter expert on addiction I thought I would weigh in.
.
Addiction is such a complex condition because it has an emotional, psychological and finally a physiological component.
Some Simple Definitions
Addiction is a broad term, which is used to describe an entire process by which people (or animals) become dependent on a particular substance or behavior in order to cope with life. This dependence becomes so important to the individual that they will persist in using the substance, or engaging in the behavior, even when it is harmful to themself, their family, and other important areas of their life.
In contrast, compulsion is a quite narrow term, which is used to describe the intense urge to do something. Compulsions are a small but important part of the addictive process, and are also a major part of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
So you can see that an addiction involves the compulsion to take an addictive substance (such as alcohol or heroin) or to carry out an addictive behavior (such as gambling or sex), but it also involves other processes.
Key Differences
Pleasure
One major distinction between an addiction and a compulsion (as it is experienced in obsessive-compulsive disorder) is the experience of pleasure. While people who have addictions suffer all manner of discomforts, the desire to use the substance or engage in the behavior is based on the expectation that it will be pleasurable.
In contrast, someone who experiences a compulsion as part of obsessive-compulsive disorder may not get any pleasure from the behavior he carries out. Often, it is a way of dealing with the obsessive part of the disorder, resulting in a feeling of relief.
This can get a little confusing because there often comes a point for people with addictions where they don’t really enjoy the addictive behavior, and they are just seeking relief from the urge to use or engage in the behavior. This is compounded by the experience of withdrawal that often happens when they stop taking the substance or engaging in the behavior. Although this can look like obsessive-compulsive behavior because the pleasure is gone, the original motivation to engage in the behavior was to feel good.
Reality
Another major distinction between an addiction and a compulsion has to do with the individual’s awareness of reality. When people have obsessive-compulsive disorder, they are usually aware that their obsession is not real. They are often disturbed by feeling the need to carry out a behavior that defies logic, yet they do it anyway to relieve their anxiety.
In contrast, people with addictions are often quite detached from the senselessness of their actions, feeling that they are just having a good time, and that other concerns aren’t that important. This is often known as denial because the addicted person denies that his use or behavior is a problem. Often it is not until a major consequence such as a spouse leavin a drunk-driving accident, or a job loss, that they are faced with the reality of their addiction.
Why All the Confusion?
Addiction and compulsion are both terms that have entered our everyday language. And like many words that are in common use, they may be misused and misunderstood. This causes confusion for everyone, especially those suffering from addictions and compulsions, but also for professionals trying to help. Often, people use these terms interchangeably without thinking about the distinctions between them.
There are several reasons that the word “compulsion” started to be used in relation to addictive behaviors. Originally, the term compulsion stemmed from the idea of addicts accessing the erotic pleasure centers of the brain. Later, the term “compulsion” was used in place of “addiction” in the hope that it would add legitimacy to the treatment of addiction, and make it more likely that treatment would be covered by insurers.
Great points! There is a lot of discussion about this with smart, thoughtful people weighing on on each side. As of the latest edition of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) hypersexuality is not a diagnosis – though the authors do note it as a subject that needs more research. Addition is both physiological and psychological – until there is more data on the physiological aspects I am most comfortable seeing it as a impulsive/compulsive disorder.
I do hope that research continues to be done. And I do hope that insurance someday covers this type of care. Sometimes, we all need a little (or alot) of help.
I believe that physiological aspects come into play from the dopamine bump that happens with behavior addictions. Unfortunately, as a culture we are still so freaked out by all things sexual that the research on this is not going forward as fast as with other behavior addictions. , e.g. gambling .
Awesome AWESOME contribution, Rebecca. You totally rock for adding all of this fantastic information and helping clarify the distinction between compulsion and addiction. Yay! Really adds to this post! xoxo
Kitty I too am sorry to hear of your breakup but agree with you that people should be honest and above board in their relationships. Hang in there, things will get better.
Thank you so much. Every day, things are a little better. That’s partly why I waited 3.5 weeks to write this post so I could come from as good of a place as possible, but still share with community. Yes, honesty and being above board is essential in healthy, happy relationships. You rock! Thanks for your comment.
I am really sorry you had to go through all that, but it has apparently helped you to grow, which is a good thing. I really liked what you had to say in Stories From The Polycule. I realized last night that I spend an awful lot of time offering advice to other poly folks, and that I could probably put it all together to write a book. I am telling you this because I think you have helped inspire me.
Thank you so much for your comment. Indeed, one of the reasons that I practice / identify as polyamorous is because I enjoy the nudge to grow that I find these interactions give you. There is inner work that needs to be done to effectively handle multiple, healthy relationships. Awww, thanks so much for the compliment on my contribution to Stories from the Polycule. I plan to bring my copy this weekend to read while I heal from all of this on a beach in Florida! And I also appreciate you reaching out to tell me that I have inspired you. You go! I support you 100%! Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help. How about we start with this? Would you like to write a guest blog post, or be interviewed here on the blog? Also, you are welcome be to be interviewed on my new podcast as well. Let me know. Rock on! ~Kitty
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m glad you put an swift end to it, instead of wasting time forgiving and tolerating his behavior.
And….. I hit send too quickly… sigh. I could write a lot more here, but I’m just on the other side of a very similar scenario, so I’m taking time to heal as well. This is a wonderful post, thank you for sharing both the good and the bad of poly with us. ((HUGS))
BoPeep, thank you so much for your supportive and loving words. There are some situations in our life that require swift action. In this case, especially since this was after a second chance (and then some), it was then obvious to me that this was a pattern that I simply have zero control over. Well said. No need to tolerate that kind of disrespectful behavior, no matter the reason. I am so sorry to hear that you are on the other side of a similar scenario. But I am proud of you and happy for you that you are getting through it, and can see clearly. I wish you much success in your healing process. Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help. You are most welcome! It is so good to know that we are not alone in our struggles sometimes. Many loving and healing hugs back to you, my friend!
xoxo
Kitty
Thank you, Kitty for sharing your painful experience. Here are my thoughts; I find that the older I get, the less I know. Which is good a thing. It is important to learning your weakness but more important to sense them when they occur.
You go to great detail defining the reasons why people cheat and the possible reason why “Barry” cheated on their poly relationship. However, the reality is no one really known what rationalization that Barry used to continue dishonor the poly relationship.
I use the term rationalization because that person used their frontal lobes to hide that affair. It is possible that Barry might not even know what the original motivation to cheat. The idea of cheating probably started in the emotional portion of the brain, then got buried under rationalizations that only he can sort out, some day.
Here is what I have learned about one of my emotional weakness. It is alcoholic. No matter how many books I have read, counseling I have had, or the AA and Al-Anon (support group for those who living with alcoholic) meetings I have attended; I still find alcoholic’s attractive. Much like cheating, it is not a healthy choice to choose, but I did it for years.
Even outside bar, at any type of non-drinking social setting, I am drawn to them. To this day, I cannot put my finger on it, on what it is that person is displaying to me. Believe me, I have tried to figure it out. All I can do is make it one of the first questions I ask a person: have they every have drinking problems.
When I find myself at bitter part of a relationship, I have learned no matter how much research, analysis, understanding, or tearing myself up on why I didn’t see before or hating myself afterward. I find it is better for me to ask myself;
1. Can I forgive them, if so?
2. Can I try to love them unconditional, if you can?
3. Is there a future being together and being happy?
4. Starting living fulfilling life
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and thorough comment and insights. You are welcome. I believe in sharing my story, so it will somehow help other people.
Great point that I can ponder all I want and may wish to know the reason behind “Barry’s” cheating, but in the end, I will never really know what rationalizations he used, and it doesn’t really matter. Very awesome insights about the frontal lobes and the emotional portion of the brain. I wonder if he will ever sort it out, but again, I need to move on.
That is an interesting insight that you have about yourself – that you are attracted to alcoholics. Barry I believe is at least circling the drain of alcoholism. And I know at least one other boyfriend from my past (back in my monogamous days) was the same. So maybe there is an attraction at least a little bit for me there too. I do know that I have a pattern of being attracted to confidence. On the positive side, this is fantastic, and my husband is a healthy example of this. But on the negative side, I have seen over-confidence show up as arrogance – and in this case with Barry, I think some narcissism (which is actually hiding low self-esteem). Again, I am not a doctor, or psychologist. But more importantly, it is really good work to reflect on ourselves and be as self-aware of our own thought patterns and behaviors, and know what we are attracted to. And this becomes possibly even more important when one is polyamorous. That’s excellent work what you have learned about yourself, and that you even found a way to try to protect yourself from your own inclinations by asking someone right away if they have ever had drinking problems. Good for you! Wow! I’m impressed.
EXCELLENT, excellent questions to ask oneself after a relationship goes off the tracks.
Here’s my answers as an exercise:
1. Can I forgive them, if so? Yes, partly because I have compassion for his problems, where they started and that they are not easy to overcome (though he could if he tried). We are all human with failings and flaws and difficulties. I get that.
2. Can I try to love them unconditional, if you can? Yes, from afar to protect myself. I love him like family. But I will not subject myself to having what to me is a toxic person around me, sucking my time, energy and efforts (via drama or dealing with dishonesty) from other important productive things.
3. Is there a future being together and being happy? No, not the way things are now. I had to set him and myself free so that he can decide what to do with his life free of me. I don’t want to be an enabler.
4. Starting living fulfilling life. I am TOTALLY down with this! And I am working on it now, and having quite a good time. I’m shocked at how well I am recovering from this breakup. This is my first, huge polyamorous relationship breakup. But I am ok, better than ok even. This supportive community helps a TON! Thank you!!!
If I may, I might want to use these questions in a post next week. Would you like to give you credit? If so, how?
You so rock, my friend! I hope we get to meet again someday soon.
xoxo
Kitty
Sorry to hear of this pain, but very impressed with how you’re handling it, writing about it, & growing from it. Good on you (& your hubby)! And what wonderful supportive comments here from everyone. Onwards and upwards into the light & the love…
Awww, thank you so much PuppetLady. You rock! I appreciate the vote of confidence and compliments. I’m doing the best I can, using all of the tools that I have learned over the years and letting the warmth of this community flow over me to help me heal. You guys are all awesome! xoxo
I echo my fellow posters of our sorrow for the break up of your triad. It is sad when one breaks off and live in a cloud of dishonesty and secrecy.
We are going through an abusive situation where we are the secondary couple being abused because the “primary” couple in question is threatened by us because we’re being who we are and drawing close to. When we read the article talking about abuse in a Poly situation it hit all the marks of what we’re going through and as of this writing we sent it to our (formerly) close couple in hopes they find their voice and will realize that the quad they are in is not healthy or loving.
May you find love again–both you and your husband–with a person(s) who will take your lives and your love seriously. May their transparency and honesty be a breath of fresh air and a support to you all.
Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words. You so rock! I agree that it saddens me that some feel they need to live in a cloud of dishonesty and secrecy. I put myself in that place in my 20s, but I am older and wiser now. It saddens me that some feel the need to behave that way all while hurting others, in an open relationship no less.
I am so sorry that you find yourself in an abusive relationship with this quad. But I am glad that the article that I shared about abuse in poly relationships helped you in some way. Sometimes we need just a bit of clarity and validation to help us know what next action to take.
Thank you again for your kind, loving and supportive words. I do hope also that I/we can find someone (or more) who will take our lives and love seriously, and cherish and value it. I just loved this: “May their transparency and honesty be a breath of fresh air and a support to you all.” Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am so glad that you are in my life, Eddy.
xoxo
Kitty
Just went through a similar thing. Oddly I was told that *I* was the one who wasn’t good at polyamory because *he* opted not to disclose another partner. very confusing.