Cheers Sexy Readers!
I have made a new friend through this blog, and we have exchanged several emails about her situation and her feelings about her partner seeking a third to join them. She asked me a question recently that I would like to answer to the best of my ability here, but I would also welcome others following this post to please chime in to help a fellow human. Here is her question:
Q: How can I manifest and maneuver myself to compersion when my partner starts pursuing a unicorn? How can I develop acceptance and security?
First, I would like to address the use of the word “unicorn.” My friend is in the early stages I believe of navigating a polyamorous lifestyle and trying to adapt to her partner’s wishes – a partner that she is deeply in love with, thus she hopes that the relationship will endure and stay strong. It alarms me a bit that her partner is openly “pursuing a unicorn.” For clarification, here is a definition of a “unicorn” as well as “compersion” that I have listed in my glossary section (I have recently added this to my website for the benefit of all to understand terms used here for easy reference).
Unicorn – Synonym for hot bi babe or HBB, often derogatory, condescending, or ironic. A bisexual person, usually though not always female, who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple. The term is often used to be dismissive of a couple seen to be only superficially polyamorous. Because of the demands that this type of couple places on the woman (that she be single and not take on any additional partners, and become involved with both members of the couple equally, and often “complete” their family as a surrogate mother and housekeeper and/or breadwinner and not do anything that may threaten or disrupt the existing couple), many in the poly community call this type of woman a “unicorn”, as in mythical and not likely to be found, even though there are plenty of bi-poly women around.
Compersion – A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. Compersion can be thought of as the opposite of “jealousy;” it is a positive emotional reaction to a lover’s other relationship.
I mainly want to point out that the concept of “unicorn hunting” is considered distasteful by some for various reasons listed above. Make certain that you are not confusing swinging and threesomes with polyamory. Also, what concerns me here is I believe my friend is showing evidence of “going along with it” rather unwillingly. Perhaps she leans more monogamous and her partner leans polyamorous. It seems that she and her partner are trying to meet in the middle somehow within what might be a Mono/Poly Relationship, and my friend is becoming increasingly uncomfortable as she tries to contort herself to be OK with this “unicorn hunt.” While I think developing compersion is wonderful and awesome, I question if my friend is trying to develop compersion prematurely (before there is even a third party involved at all), if she is in the right frame of mind to work on compersion, and whether her relationship with her partner is ready for this type of work.
It’s possible that maybe my friend and her partner are using the wrong terminology by using the word “unicorn” here. Maybe the situation is simply that they both know they don’t want to stay monogamous with each other for the long haul, and they are open to meeting open-minded people, preferably female. And my friend is totally open to it, thus she “wants to manifest and maneuver herself to compersion.” That is honorable and cool that she is so open to personal growth, as well as love and acceptance for herself, her partner and others yet to be met.
In terms of developing security, that is a super worthy, awesome and excellent thing to develop. It can take a lifetime, so please know that it can be seen as something that you practice endlessly… at least that’s what I do. Haha! To me, it starts with really learning to love yourself truly and deeply FIRST, before you look outside yourself and begin to allow yourself to feel and express love to another. I also think it has to do with being comfortable in your own skin, and learning to stand on your own two feet, emotionally, financially and spiritually even. Finding peace within yourself.
Here is a great article on becoming secure that is listed on my Articles page:
http://www.morethantwo.com/becomingsecure.html
As far as developing acceptance, I think first my friend would do herself good to double-check with herself that she is accepting not only herself, but also her partner’s inclinations for a third and his polyamorous nature. Is this what she truly wants in HER life? Or is she just trying to morph herself into the person that her partner wishes her to be? This an important question indeed!
If the answer is YES – she wants this, this life and all of the work and personal growth that is involved, then I would suggest the following to assist in developing compersion as they meet new potential friends who may turn into sexual intimates and poly family members:
- Communicate, communicate communicate! – This cannot be stressed enough. Make sure to keep the communication lines open, discuss anything and everything, any insecurities, any perceived “slights”, any reservations. Perhaps check out the “Nonviolent Communication” article and blog posts that I have here.
- Take care of yourself – Pamper yourself and check in with yourself whether it is with bubble baths, massages, meditation, vigorous exercise – anything that will help keep you centered, at peace as much as possible, and feeling relaxed.
- Keep an open-mind to meeting others – Remember that as much as you fear others entering your life, they might be just as afraid of meeting you and entering your life. Think of them as “friends that you haven’t met yet. The easiest way to find compersion in yourself is to like and care about everyone involved (including you – see Point #2).
- Don’t put pressure on meeting others – On the flip side, don’t put excessive pressure on the outcome of meeting someone – such as how fast the friendship / relationship might progress, what the result might be, etc. Remember that they are individuals with their own needs, desires and concerns and you have absolutely no control over that. Respect their space and needs.
- Beware of “Couple Privilege” – Also bear in mind that it can be very intimating and also not inviting for an outside person to consider dating a couple. Alot of people just aren’t even interested in that. And even if they are, keep in mind that feeling “second best” or the “third wheel” is not an easy position to be in. Be compassionate for that person’s potential feelings and needs, and honor them. Be prepared for alot of work in communication and growth.
- Trust that your partner has your best interests at heart and loves you – If you have trust issues with your partner, it’s going to be very difficult to develop compersion for someone that you might view as a threat. Check in with yourself and your partner to make sure that your relationship is intact and healthy. And THEN realize that your partner loves you – yet still has enough love and affection to share with others as well. That’s what polyamory is all about! (Thanks Steve. G for the contributions).
Lastly, I’d like to leave you with this quote. Keep it in mind when thinking about who you (and your partner) are, what you truly want, what would really make you happy and blissful inside leading an extraordinary life that you can be proud of:
“The greatest violence is the violence we do to ourselves when we deny who we really are.”
I’d love to see some awesome comments here from others following this post to help our friend out. What other insights can you share from your own experience or observations? Some of the greatest posts here are the ones where we really get together to assist one another. Let’s help this sister out! Sending my love and happy thoughts to you all!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
This situation is going to really suck for any potential “unicorn,” who would be putting herself in a position where the partner doing the seeking is pushing for a relationship between the new woman and the other partner who clearly is not excited about it. The whole situation sounds pretty gross.
Thanks for commenting and sharing your thoughts. I hear you. Not knowing the parties personally on a day to day level, I’m not certain – but it’s at least certainly possibly that what you say is potentially the case. Time will tell! We are all human though and all need to find our own way. Us humans can learn from mistakes that we may make. 🙂
Reblogged this on LifestyleGambler.
Very well said and extremely insightful, Kitty. Your friend is probably too early in the practice of polyamory to truly adapt to such a “hunt.” I’ve tended toward polyamory all my life, lived a monogamous marriage of almost three full decades and thought I was totally devoid of jealousy. What I didn’t count on was envy and a touch of posessiveness and desire to over-protect. You see, I’m a fair bit older than my lady loves. Sometimes the envy lasted only a few moments and then I would recognize what was taking place and squash it. Sometimes the desire to protect drives me nuts. I guess the point is this….even with my years of wisdom and pactice at love, I’m still not entirely immune to negative things like envy. I’m working hard to develop compersion, as well, and am fairly decent at it, if I do say so myself, but I’m also still human and we humans will always be subject to emotional turmoil of one kind or another. Perhaps we can’t hope to overcome some of these emotions competely, but only hope to control them when we have them. Your suggestions to your friend are excellent. She needs to love herself, pamper herself snd communicate her feelings, knowing that they are completely valid, simply because they ARE her genuine feelings.
The quote regarding self-inflicted violence is from an episode of Sense8. I, too, was very impressed with it.
Thank you so much for your very kind words. They make me grin from ear to ear. I truly hope to help other people with the words that I offer here, and hope that that is the case – even if it’s just one person. Thank you also for sharing more information and observations about your own situation. That is very helpful. I whole-heartedly agree with you that we are all human, and life is a never ending learning process. I think we should not throw stones at one another for learning as we go, and occasionally making mistakes or not acting as best as we possibly could in every single situation. It’s just not possible!
This was awesome, well-stated and sums it up rather nicely:
“I’m still human and we humans will always be subject to emotional turmoil of one kind or another.”
I’m glad that you found my suggestions worthwhile to share. I do my best! It’s a beautiful thing to help one another, especially on a topic that there is not alot of role models or instruction on.
Yes, if I’m not mistaken, I think I got that quote from you actually. 🙂 Thanks for sharing! You rock!
xoxo
Kitty
Great post! Sigh….”Going along with it” rarely works out, and “hunting” for a unicorn.. well what can I say, (I am technically a unicorn in a D/s Poly Fi Tri) and I would not like to be hunted by one member of a couple while the other wasn’t totally on board. I hear about couples who want a third to spice up their sex lives, or, most likely, the man wants a bisexual woman to fulfill a fantasy he has, without regard to what his wife wants. Polyamory, is more than just sex, it’s loving relationships with more than one person. Reducing it to hunting for a woman that will sleep with them both devalues the third as a person. Franklin Vaughn has some excellent thoughts for couples on thirds, as well as great info FOR thirds, thank you for including a link to his blog! I hope your friend an her partner can reach an agreement on this and she gets the security she needs to open her mind to loving more than one.
What a great comment! Thank you so much for sharing here. I couldn’t agree more to everything that you shared.
I LOVED this:
“Polyamory, is more than just sex, it’s loving relationships with more than one person. Reducing it to hunting for a woman that will sleep with them both devalues the third as a person.”
Well done! And yes, Franklin really has some great information and insights. I love sharing links to other fantastic resources on my blog.
xoxo
Kitty
Thank you, I truly believe that couples who search FIRST for a sexy bi chick will end up dissatisfied with the relationship, while those who let a friendship develop organically will ultimately achieve something beyond their wildest dreams. People CAN separate sex from love, but honestly, why would you settle for that?
Damn. I had no idea the term “unicorn” carried such negative connotations, not to mention a lot of the baggage listed in your definition. And suddenly a number of conversations I had back when I started looking for a relationship make so much more sense. (It never occurred to me, for example, that adding another partner WOULDN’T change the dynamic… I mean, that’s just common sense. Though I should probably add that my wife had been seeing other people for five years before I started looking, so maybe others looking are more… naive?…than I was in that regard. And not taking any additional partners? I mean, that would be kind of her decision, no? But then, to me, one of the things that is strongest about poly is that it forces a person to come to terms with the idea that each of his or her partners is a thinking human being capable of making his or her own decisions, and that seems to be…the opposite.)
…and now I feel like I should go reactivate my long-dormant OK Cupid account so I can apologize to like a dozen people.
I realize you know more about this person than we readers, but I, for one, associate “unicorns” with swinging and threesomes, which *may* be practiced by polyamorous people, but is not necessarily a polyamorous ‘thing’. That is based only on my own experience and on what my bisexual girlfriends have shared about theirs. If it’s a sex-only thing, it’s best to call it what it is up front and save everyone a lot of wasted time and unnecessary confusion.
And, for the record, I am NOT a unicorn. Though I have been known to occasionally resemble a sparkle pony. 😉