Cheers Sexy Readers!
I have made a new friend through this blog, and we have exchanged several emails about her situation and her feelings about her partner seeking a third to join them. She asked me a question recently that I would like to answer to the best of my ability here, but I would also welcome others following this post to please chime in to help a fellow human. Here is her question:
Q: How can I manifest and maneuver myself to compersion when my partner starts pursuing a unicorn? How can I develop acceptance and security?
First, I would like to address the use of the word “unicorn.” My friend is in the early stages I believe of navigating a polyamorous lifestyle and trying to adapt to her partner’s wishes – a partner that she is deeply in love with, thus she hopes that the relationship will endure and stay strong. It alarms me a bit that her partner is openly “pursuing a unicorn.” For clarification, here is a definition of a “unicorn” as well as “compersion” that I have listed in my glossary section (I have recently added this to my website for the benefit of all to understand terms used here for easy reference).
Unicorn – Synonym for hot bi babe or HBB, often derogatory, condescending, or ironic. A bisexual person, usually though not always female, who is willing to join an existing couple, often with the presumption that this person will date and become sexually involved with both members of that couple, and not demand anything or do anything which might cause problems or inconvenience to that couple. The term is often used to be dismissive of a couple seen to be only superficially polyamorous. Because of the demands that this type of couple places on the woman (that she be single and not take on any additional partners, and become involved with both members of the couple equally, and often “complete” their family as a surrogate mother and housekeeper and/or breadwinner and not do anything that may threaten or disrupt the existing couple), many in the poly community call this type of woman a “unicorn”, as in mythical and not likely to be found, even though there are plenty of bi-poly women around.
Compersion – A feeling of joy when a partner invests in and takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. Compersion can be thought of as the opposite of “jealousy;” it is a positive emotional reaction to a lover’s other relationship.
I mainly want to point out that the concept of “unicorn hunting” is considered distasteful by some for various reasons listed above. Make certain that you are not confusing swinging and threesomes with polyamory. Also, what concerns me here is I believe my friend is showing evidence of “going along with it” rather unwillingly. Perhaps she leans more monogamous and her partner leans polyamorous. It seems that she and her partner are trying to meet in the middle somehow within what might be a Mono/Poly Relationship, and my friend is becoming increasingly uncomfortable as she tries to contort herself to be OK with this “unicorn hunt.” While I think developing compersion is wonderful and awesome, I question if my friend is trying to develop compersion prematurely (before there is even a third party involved at all), if she is in the right frame of mind to work on compersion, and whether her relationship with her partner is ready for this type of work.
It’s possible that maybe my friend and her partner are using the wrong terminology by using the word “unicorn” here. Maybe the situation is simply that they both know they don’t want to stay monogamous with each other for the long haul, and they are open to meeting open-minded people, preferably female. And my friend is totally open to it, thus she “wants to manifest and maneuver herself to compersion.” That is honorable and cool that she is so open to personal growth, as well as love and acceptance for herself, her partner and others yet to be met.
In terms of developing security, that is a super worthy, awesome and excellent thing to develop. It can take a lifetime, so please know that it can be seen as something that you practice endlessly… at least that’s what I do. Haha! To me, it starts with really learning to love yourself truly and deeply FIRST, before you look outside yourself and begin to allow yourself to feel and express love to another. I also think it has to do with being comfortable in your own skin, and learning to stand on your own two feet, emotionally, financially and spiritually even. Finding peace within yourself.
As far as developing acceptance, I think first my friend would do herself good to double-check with herself that she is accepting not only herself, but also her partner’s inclinations for a third and his polyamorous nature. Is this what she truly wants in HER life? Or is she just trying to morph herself into the person that her partner wishes her to be? This an important question indeed!
If the answer is YES – she wants this, this life and all of the work and personal growth that is involved, then I would suggest the following to assist in developing compersion as they meet new potential friends who may turn into sexual intimates and poly family members:
- Communicate, communicate communicate! – This cannot be stressed enough. Make sure to keep the communication lines open, discuss anything and everything, any insecurities, any perceived “slights”, any reservations. Perhaps check out the “Nonviolent Communication” article and blog posts that I have here.
- Take care of yourself – Pamper yourself and check in with yourself whether it is with bubble baths, massages, meditation, vigorous exercise – anything that will help keep you centered, at peace as much as possible, and feeling relaxed.
- Keep an open-mind to meeting others – Remember that as much as you fear others entering your life, they might be just as afraid of meeting you and entering your life. Think of them as “friends that you haven’t met yet. The easiest way to find compersion in yourself is to like and care about everyone involved (including you – see Point #2).
- Don’t put pressure on meeting others – On the flip side, don’t put excessive pressure on the outcome of meeting someone – such as how fast the friendship / relationship might progress, what the result might be, etc. Remember that they are individuals with their own needs, desires and concerns and you have absolutely no control over that. Respect their space and needs.
- Beware of “Couple Privilege” – Also bear in mind that it can be very intimating and also not inviting for an outside person to consider dating a couple. Alot of people just aren’t even interested in that. And even if they are, keep in mind that feeling “second best” or the “third wheel” is not an easy position to be in. Be compassionate for that person’s potential feelings and needs, and honor them. Be prepared for alot of work in communication and growth.
- Trust that your partner has your best interests at heart and loves you – If you have trust issues with your partner, it’s going to be very difficult to develop compersion for someone that you might view as a threat. Check in with yourself and your partner to make sure that your relationship is intact and healthy. And THEN realize that your partner loves you – yet still has enough love and affection to share with others as well. That’s what polyamory is all about! (Thanks Steve. G for the contributions).
Lastly, I’d like to leave you with this quote. Keep it in mind when thinking about who you (and your partner) are, what you truly want, what would really make you happy and blissful inside leading an extraordinary life that you can be proud of:
“The greatest violence is the violence we do to ourselves when we deny who we really are.”
I’d love to see some awesome comments here from others following this post to help our friend out. What other insights can you share from your own experience or observations? Some of the greatest posts here are the ones where we really get together to assist one another. Let’s help this sister out! Sending my love and happy thoughts to you all!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)