Cheers Sexy People!
I have missed you and am happy to be sharing with you again here. Unfortunately, what I have to share starts with telling you that I just had the worst “coming out” experience of my life. It is frustrating that even with all of my research, pondering, preparation and work that I do to try to act ethically and compassionately while living an (untraditional) authentic life, shit can still go horribly, horribly wrong. I’m not going to get into any details in this post, partly because the outcome is still unknown. But suffice it to say that I was not prepared to “come out” as polyamorous to anyone this weekend (my hand was forced), and it ended with one of my guests (a new friend) crying at my husband’s birthday party shortly after the revelation. Woah! Undo, UNDO! How do we undo this?!? Oh right, we can’t. It’s done. I fear the friendship is now irrevocably damaged, but I don’t yet know, because there is no response to my text or my email (heavy sigh). Please send some good karma my way in the hopes that this friendship can still be salvaged.
I’m doing my best to not allow this experience to fill me with shame or guilt for my chosen lifestyle, or have me regret my decisions about who I tell or my choice to not announce my alternative lifestyle upon first meeting someone. I am not brave enough to wear an “I am polyamorous” shirt around everywhere I go – not in today’s world anyway. There is a balance between privacy and openness that I am still trying to navigate and figure out where the “line” is. Where does your personal life end and your “I need to wear my freak flag now” begin? And when is the best time to “come out” to someone? I can tell you from first-hand experience – it’s NOT at your husband’s birthday party, and NOT when you are not prepared to do so. We certainly can’t predict or control what other people will do or think…
If you choose to live an alternative lifestyle, you better damn well work on your self-confidence and your self-esteem so that when the shit hits the fan (and it will), and people are possibly judging you or are upset with you for the choices or decisions you make, you can still stand in your power, and be who you are, and be proud of yourself.
There are also moments in your life where you will need to forgive yourself…
Kitty, this is one of them. You did your best. Overall, the party was a success. And one of the two people who had this revelation made to them is totally cool with it. That’s a 50% success rate for the day! Hooray!
In an effort to sort through my thoughts and feelings about this debacle, I started reading Lessons in Love and Life to my Younger Self by Louisa Leontiades. I am halfway through the book, and all I can say so far is WOW! This book is utterly fantastic, and exactly what I needed to read. It’s also trippy because it almost feels like I wrote the book in the future to MY younger self of today. Louisa and I have had many of the exact same experiences, revelations and struggles in our respective lives and polyamorous journeys. I am so proud to call her a friend of mine. Louisa, you just rock, girl!
I’ll share a few nuggets of wisdom that really resonated with me in regards to this weekend’s events:
No matter what you think you’ve done, lose the shame. It’s the product of internalizing other’s people’s judgements.
If you feel rejection for your choices, the answer is not to choose something ‘more acceptable’. The answer is to work enough on your self-esteem until you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that your choices are the right ones for you.
Practice makes perfect, and this holds true of hope. Practising hope means you can carry on even when the world seems to be crashing around you.
All people have the right to be treated with compassion and care, regardless of the type of relationship they are in or the longevity of their relationship.
You no longer fear rejection, and even when it happens, you know that honesty is your best policy. With it you have grown to realise the power of your own voice. Your messages cross cultures far more easily, you are empowered and, more importantly still, you empower others. Live to dream!
Passive communication might make you more acceptable to society, but it can damage your sense of self and destroy your relationships. Try wherever possible to say exactly what you mean, but always temper your words with compassion.
Pain signals new life and new understanding. The more you embrace pain, the less you will suffer.
Well, here’s me embracing pain. Thank you, pain. Welcome back. You suck, by the way, but I welcome you anyway – because I choose to live in the world of reality, and not suppress this shit. I have learned that when you suppress shit, it oozes out sideways when you least suspect it. And that’s just EW!!!!!! (sorry for the graphic, but it gets the message across, doesn’t it? Today is not a roses and butterflies day.)
I am now going to go for a run, and work out some of this angst. Feel free to comment on anything here, offer gems of wisdom or share your own experiences with coming out. And please click any of the links here and order Louisa’s awesome book! It’s a fantastic and worthwhile read. More on that after I finish it.
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
Gosh – I am sorry!!! I completely do not understand why your guest would cry – what does your poly situation have to do with her? I am open pretty much everywhere it comes up. I am open at work – because how else can I talk about my life if my colleagues don’t know I have 2 partners? I am open with all my social network, sometimes with people I meet depending on circumstances and conversational turns. Sometimes it just flows from a discussion. I am open with my family and with Jack and Harry’s family. In fact, my mother died last week and Harry, Jack and E (Jack’s girlfriend) were all at the wake, funeral and funeral lunch. I live in New York City – but the whole Northeast is pretty open minded – so that makes things easier. I am very confident and feel NO guilt, angst or need for justification – I make my own choices that are best for me and mine. I understand that not everybody feels comfortable sharing their poly-ness and I totally get that there are circumstances that make it impossible or at best, difficult. However, I also feel it is important to live my life openly so people can say, “I met a poly person – and she wasn’t weird or crazy – she was normal” and see that happy relationships take all forms. I guess the question I have is – why would you want to “undo” even if you could? Your truth was “outed” and it never feels good when you can’t control the message, but truth is truth. If your friend is that upset, maybe it’s not a good friend fit.
I am so sorry that your mother passed. My deepest condolences first off.
I live in DC. And my husband works in a conservative field, and some of his family members would not accept our poly-ness, thus we cannot be 100% open. I wish we could. I am envious that you can and are. Good for you! I do try to be as open as I am able to be with as many people as possible. What I wanted to “undo” was having someone upset and crying at my husband’s birthday party. My guest said she felt uncomfortable and “left out” that she did not know. Other than that, I can not speak for why the news and conversation was so upsetting to her. I like the simple notion that you said of “happy relationships take all forms.” Amen to that! I am not ashamed of my choices. But I also don’t want my choices or decisions to hurt other people. Some of that we have no control over. Just live your best self as best as you can.
Thank you for your condolences. I do completely understand the difficulties in being open – the fact that we all work in slightly off beat professions – social work, IT, the hospitality industry – makes it a bit easier. I think it shows your incredibly gracious and kind spirit that you are are concerned about your guest – who in my opinion should have sent flowers in apology for causing a fuss! Thanks for the always thought provoking and practical issues you write about on your blog! XX
I work in the creative field, so I am as open as I can be there. But my former co-workers also do not know – partly because they used to bash swingers saying how completely disgusting non-monogamy was in “water cooler” conversations. So why go there with people that are signing your paycheck? Ya know? I started writing this blog at that job – so it was my own little way of trying to create awareness for alternative lifestyles, even if I had to do it covertly. LOL
Thank you for your kind words. You guys are helping me feel better today, which was starting out as a pretty bleak Monday for me. I <3 this community so much, and how we try our best to help one another. Thank you for taking the time to comment and for your kindness and contribution here, and making me feel like you have my back. 🙂 You rock! You are most welcome for this blog and the posts I write here. It’s comments like yours that make it so rewarding and worthwhile for me. If I can help one other person, then I am happy. More than one rocks, as we all know. Hahahaha! 🙂 (that was a little poly joke there).
Don’t lose sight of the fact that this is all about them and not about you.
It astonishes me that people will get so upset over things we do that have nothing to do with them. You have done nothing to this person except maybe ask them to broaden their horizons a bit. If I understand correctly, it was a fairly new relationship so maybe better to have it clear now before a great deal is invested.
Still, I’m sorry it didn’t go well. It must have been horribly awkward and a big downer on the occasion.
<3
Thanks, SteadfastNine. I can always count on you for supportive, wise and encouraging words. You rock! Yes, you hit the nail on the head: it was quite awkward, for all of us! And it was a bit of a downer on the occasion. The crying friend knew that too, felt embarrassed I think and quickly fled the party. While her absence diminished the awkwardness just a bit, it also made me feel bad that she felt she had to flee us and the situation. Ugh! And we were left to ponder and whisper about how to do “damage control” throughout the evening and into the next day. We felt we had to “fix it” somehow.
My friend and I have now had an email exchange that was positive. And I believe that she understands that part of the reason she got upset has to do with something on her side of the fence. She was partly I think confused about her own reaction and is still processing. I’ll let you all know how it goes and what I learned from all of this.
Thanks so much!
xoxo
Kitty
I know one of the things I had to come to terms with was knowing that we could tell people about our poly relationship… and they’d get horribly upset instead of being happy. And while their getting upset about it was bothersome, the biggest thing I had to handle was not getting upset because they couldn’t accept this thing. We lost a few “friends” behind this and while this is always regrettable, life just goes on and there are a few ways of looking at this, like, it’s not my/our fault that you can’t handle certain truths and, oh, yeah, they’re getting bent out of shape about something that has absolutely nothing to do with them (Steadfast hit it right dead on the head).
For some, this is a bigger shock than if you were “cheating” on your husband behind his back; it’s so totally unheard of to have multiple loves/lovers AND your husband is on board with all of it, you shameless hussy! It’s an even bigger shock to be a single woman and you’re, ah, being intimate with many people when you should (a) remain celibate until you find a man or (b) giving up the goodies only to one man. If I had a dollar for every time someone who got bent behind this accused me of having a harem (and other derogatory things), I could buy the Lamborghini I want outright and in cash – and there’s nothing I can do about how they might react to this… so I’m not gonna worry about it because, bluntly, I’m not going to change things just because they got upset. Well… I can apologize; I can even bother with explaining things with the hope it’ll soften the blow and all that. But if they can’t accept it, oh, well.
And maybe we tend to think/feel that just because we’re happy in this, others will be happy that we’re happy… but that’s never true when that which makes us happy pretty much shatters everything they believe in – so now we get bummed out right along with them. Maybe this is a “natural” reaction but it is also quite unnatural to worry about that which we cannot do anything about.
It sucks… but it happens and if it happened this time, it can happen again and ya just gotta always be ready for a bad coming out to take place.
Very wise words, kdaddy:
“the biggest thing I had to handle was not getting upset because they couldn’t accept this thing.”
I guess I too find it very difficult to not care and/or to just let it go. It really bothers me when someone else is upset, and it somehow has to do with me. What could I have done better? How can I fix it? It’s often hard to turn our brains off when something feels amiss, and not honky dory. My hope is that with a bit of time and explanation, she CAN handle certain truths such as this. I believe it was more that it was shocking, jarring and that other things that were said when I wasn’t around made her feel uncomfortable, I’m afraid. Yikes! But hey, we can’t control other people, can we? So gotta learn to deal with something like this when it happens, as you said.
Yes, indeed, I am a shameless hussy! Haha! But I hear you, and I see what you are saying: polyamory can be even more shocking than cheating. People can understand and wrap their head around cheating and hear about it all the time. Polyamory? What’s that? And yes, I too have been accused of having a “harem.” Such as, “You already have a husband! You are greedy and selfish!” Things like that. Again, many just don’t understand, do they? What I learned about “coming out” is all of the explanations, and getting on the same page, and the “try to see it from this different point of view” stuff is exhausting and takes alot of time. ALOT!
This was so “YES”!!!!:
“And maybe we tend to think/feel that just because we’re happy in this, others will be happy that we’re happy… but that’s never true when that which makes us happy pretty much shatters everything they believe in – so now we get bummed out right along with them.”
You got that right! I also think that is partly why my newer friend freaked out. All wise words.
Thanks as usual!
xoxo
Kitty
Sometimes you can fix it… and sometimes it’s all beyond salvage and that’s regrettable but something that’s beyond your ability to control – it just is what it is and us poly folks should always hope for the best but expect the worst to show up.
And then be ready to defend your way of life both logically and emotionally and even if you have to tell them, “Look, just because you don’t think it’s right doesn’t mean I have to think the same way.” You can respect their “right” to be upset but sometimes, yeah, you just gotta hit them upside the head with this piece of reality and go from there.
It’s always nice when we can share our joy in this with others but it just sucks when we can’t because of opposing views and the cold, hard thought here often is, “If you can’t be happy because I’m happy, then maybe you were never my friend…”
Yuck…
Oh Kitty,
Sorry that you have a friend that made you feel this way.All I can say,you have everything in your perspective on have to maneuver this lifestyle,not anyone.There are some poly who maneuver there world openly which should be the ideal but don’t or never question your choices when you want to be open or not for the greater peace like for instance you husband family or elsewhere.All I know what happens in the four corners of your home is all you and no one can judge you or feel sorry about it.I always say that when people react about me is there problem not mine for I don’t live in the shadow of what people thinks.I sleep peacefully at night knowing I did what’s for the best interest for myself.doodles.
Well, I’m sure my friend is sorry that I made HER feel that way! Being a Gemini, the sign of the twins, I often try to see things from every angle, and be as empathetic with other people as much as possible. No one goes to a pool party expecting to leave crying and upset. So I empathize with her situation as well.
Thanks for all of your words of support and encouragement. I am totally cool with who I am and what I’m about. It’s dealing with others outside our normal circles where we don’t know where they stand on certain issues that can sometimes be tricky, and I am still figuring it out. Navigating the poly / mono situation of the general population is challenging sometimes. Often, it can feel like “worlds are colliding.”
Thanks! xoxo
Kitty
Why do people get upset when they learn who you are? Because THEY had created an image of you that fitted neatly into THEIR world. THEIR acceptance of you took THEM very little effort to find you and to love you.
In THEIR mind’s eye, you and your husband are so happy and loving; they are the perfect heterosexual, monogamous couple that world needs more of these days. Something that conservatives’ has no shame saying that loud in the media.
For us, with a different sexual ordination, it is an important and necessary step to Come Out. Because a person’s sexuality needs to visibility as their gender and race. It helps strengthen one’s self-esteem and reinforces one place in the world.
By identifying myself as bisexual, what I say and do in public gives the others the opportunity to see that I am at times unique and other times just the same as they are. I hopes of broadening their acceptance of other people they met in the future.
Thank you for your well-thought out comment. Very wise words indeed, and a great way to look at it, in the sense that it’s so much EASIER for people to wrap their heads around things that they already understand, know and love. People get monogamy. People get traditional marriage. Most find comfort in those familiar things. That day was not about enlightening someone however, as I am all for acceptance and enlightenment. But what is done is done now! And yes, you are right that I can see how confusing it must be. Just recently, when I was on vacation, some new people commented on how my husband and I seem like newlyweds, so in love and happy and jovial. True dat! Ironically, what the average person doesn’t know is that part of our happiness comes in our full acceptance of each other. And that we don’t expect each of us to be the “be all end all” for each other. We allow ourselves to find happiness in many ways. Then when we do spend quality time together, we really cherish it and love it all the more!
I absolutely agree that coming out is very important for so many reasons. I worked very hard at it for several years, carefully coming out to all of our family and friends, one by one. Frankly, it was exhausting. I think I kind of wanted some time off from coming out! Haha! Also, the last time I “came out”, it was totally anti-climactic and the person just said “Yeah, I already knew that. I’m going to sleep now…” and brushed the whole thing off! Haha! So I think a part of me just gave up on dealing with it. But clearly, that ended up back-firing here. I hear you, and am working towards maybe getting used to saying right off the bat “I’m in an open marriage.” (though that doesn’t quite define it, but I think it’s easy to understand right away versus the fracking essay I feel like I’m telling people about polyamory. Most have never even heard of the word.)
Thank you!
xoxo
Kitty
This is my better half’s biggest concern. I don’t worry about it quite so much. But being “outed” as open would be a huge deal for her. I don’t think it would be devastating, her self esteem is great, but she’d be pretty mad. My fear would be that she’d blame me, at least a little.
The actual “outing” was not devastating in the sense that I am confident in who I am, and what I stand for. And actually, I was planning on telling these two friends relatively soon. But not at my husband’s birthday party (taking the focus off of him and the point of the party – his birthday), and not at the expense of one of my guest’s crying! That’s what got me upset – that my friend’s afternoon got ruined, which in turn affected other people too (namely me and my husband). My guess is she was shocked, embarrassed, felt blindsided, etc. AND didn’t hear it from me first. I’m still trying to figure out what to learn from this, but I will report back!
There are many things that individuals carry that are a social stigma. By individual taking the stigma and owning it, it takes the power out of fear. I remembered a young woman at Burning Man, who did just that. I was participating in a discussion group concern the “power of our voice” at the poly camp.
I was sharing about being out as bisexual and my difficult about doing so. However, after listening to this woman, I realized the extra value of being out. She was freely sharing that she had herpes. While some might find it TMI, it was excellent exercise of owning it and letting people she met upfront who she is. Plus, what she expected in new friends.
What a great insight! Thanks for sharing that anecdote. Such a great example of as you said: taking the power out of fear – in this case, by truly being out and owning who we are. And as your friend said, this also points out to others what you want out of their friendship. Even if we are living with some sort of “stigma” – whether a sexual orientation or disease – we still want and need to be accepted and loved. And don’t we ALL have some sort of skeleton in the closet or thing that we are feeling pain and / or suffering over? In the end, we are all connected and so similar in so many ways. Our differences are not as big as we often think.
I have had a blog post brewing for a while now on the topic of coming out, and you hit on some of the points I’ve been mulling over but have been having difficulty articulating.
Polyamory is supposed to mean “many loves” but frankly, the concept is often interpreted as “many f*cks,” both by people who practice (or claim to practice) polyamory and by non-poly people who are newly introduced to the word/concept.
That said: As is often discussed in kink communities, we cannot overlook the fact that people have a right NOT to know. Anything that involves sex or sexual practices should also involve CONSENT. Since many people take “polyamory” to mean “it’s all about what I do with my genitals,” it’s not surprising that sometimes Coming Out is met with such a strong emotional response. The hearer feels violated because they didn’t consent to be included in your sex life.
Likewise, there is – as I believe you mentioned – the hurt that comes with feeling like you’re the last to know. When someone feels that they’ve been left out, they often lash out. Instead of thinking, “Wow, how cool that I’m in the know” they think, “Ohmygosh how embarrassing that I didn’t know! Whoe ELSE knows?? Oh dear, I feel like an idiot!” So their insecurities come out swinging, and before you know it they’ve done ten rounds with a box of Kleenex and blame you for… God only knows what. Not sending them a formal announcement? Not inviting them on a double date with your triad? Who knows.
Obviously this person found out in a less-than-ideal way, and of course that makes a difference. And who knows what she is dealing with in her own life? It could be a very emotional thing for her because it triggered a memory or tapped into a fear or touched on a hidden desire or opened an old wound. But if reactions are telling, I believe they tell a lot more about the person *having* the reaction than about the person/situation *causing* the reaction. One thing I’ve figured out about Coming Out is that it is a much smoother process when I have a good bead on the hearer’s sore spots. It helps me to avoid unintentionally causing them pain, which in turn helps *them* focus on the message.
Thanks for posting this. It got my thoughts to gel a little more cohesively. 🙂
Also: Great comments on this post! 🙂
Thanks, Mrs. Fever for your thoughtful comment and contribution here. It is so true that some of this is quite difficult to articulate. That is why we sometimes have to invent new words to help express ourselves in this space! I also have had to deal with those that ASS-U-ME polyamory is more about “many fucks” than many loves. It is part of the stigma and bad rap that polyamory (and by extension, open relationships) can have in our society.
YES! What you said about consent, including consent on being told something that the hearer may not want to know about. This particular situation was very difficult for me to gauge, partly because there is SOME aspect of my life that I consider personal and what I do behind closed doors. But then there is another perspective on it that is about my orientation and my choices. If my friends want to truly get to know the real me, then at some point, they need to be included in the knowledge of my poly-ness and both my inclination and choice to practice as such. But WHEN is the question that I ponder sometimes. And also, not EVERYONE needs or wants to know. These are sometimes not easy questions to answer, and there are grey areas as well to complicate it even further.
And yes, you once again hit the nail on the head about how people often go straight for the negative first of “why didn’t I know” versus “I’m so glad she trusted me to tell me.” Interesting how that works. And it also proves how we can personal someone else’s choices, instead of just observing without judgement and without involving OURSELVES in the telling or the revelation. What you described is EXACTLY part of what my friend was feeling. I get it how she got there, but it’s unfortunate in that she caused herself unnecessary pain, which then rippled out to other people as well, as we are all connected. I really loved your thoughts on this, and spoken with a humorous bent too, which I adore. Thank you for that! You rock!
I did write a follow up to this post that you can read here:
https://polytalkbykitty.wordpress.com/2015/06/26/its-my-party-and-shell-cry-if-she-wants-to-coming-out-story/
Very true again what you said in the last paragraph… I am still getting to know this person, thus I do not yet know of all of their “sore spots”. When I inquisitively asked her if she had grown up with traditional values in her family – instead of taking it as a genuine information gathering question, her first thought was to assume that I thought she was “square” or overly conservative by the ask – which was furtherest from the truth! But we did sort it all out, thank goodness, with some quality communication.
You are most welcome, my friend! Good luck on your own endeavors with this topic! Enjoy! Indeed, all of these comments were truly awesome, including yours!
xoxo
Kitty