Cheers Sexy People!
I felt a massive weight had been lifted off of my shoulders after I recently truly forgave my boyfriend for his indiscretions that I talked about in this post. We had a really powerful conversation – not only about forgiveness, but ways in which I wanted to take ownership of being a great, attentive and loving partner as well. My boyfriend had stuck with me during periods of deep sadness and depression, and I wanted to acknowledge also how hard that must have been for him, as well as how much I appreciated him often acting like a silly clown to try to get me to smile, or to also point out areas where I could stand to have more awareness. We started to speak to each other as equals again instead of “man in the doghouse” and “pissed off / betrayed girlfriend.” It was refreshing after weeks of walking on eggshells and pain management.
Later, I did start to reflect: What now? Just because I forgave him for his actual actions, that does not mean that this is all over. We still have damage to manage, trust to build, wounds to heal, and communication breakdowns to remedy. I actually felt a bit overwhelmed just thinking about it all. But I am enjoying the calm of both having forgave him, and him not dating any other people at the moment. I realize though that I can’t “sit on my laurels.” There is much work to be done, hard conversations to sift through and revelations to have.
So I’ve been doing a bit of research while I decide what steps are next. I am not “in a rush” and don’t need to demand one productive conversation a day or anything. But a concept I learned recently keeps playing through my head: “Life is urgent.” Meaning, we could die tomorrow. Don’t leave loose ends today that you will regret later. Fix what needs to be fixed. Have the tough conversations with your loved ones when you need to have them. Your life and who you actually are isn’t your thoughts. It isn’t your car and possessions. It isn’t your job. Your life is the people that you choose to surround yourself with. It is your actions. It is your word (and keeping it). We are in this mess partly because my boyfriend did not keep his word (and also lied). WHY? We have to find out why, and really have the courage to dig deep into the motivations and thought patterns that got us here. Also, how can he help heal my wounds, and help me feel better loved and appreciated by him. And on my end, what can I do or say to help make this relationship ROCK? How can I heal my own wounds completely (not 80% but ALL THE WAY, so there are no leftover resentments lingering)?
One of my readers shared with us an excellent article about forgiveness and trust. Here is an excerpt: (full article here). This was written after someone spoke of their partner’s infidelity:
Don’t trust him. You shouldn’t have trusted him before. The fact that you were surprised by his behavior shows that you misjudged his trustworthiness. He’s willing to lie to you in order to get what he wants or avoid conflict. Therefore, you should not trust him to tell you the truth when telling the truth could cause conflict or prevent him from getting what he wants. Your goal should not be to rebuild your trust to where it was before – that’s putting yourself in the same position. The only reasonable goal is to accurately assess his trustworthiness and conduct yourself accordingly.
Sadly, I see this sort of thing all the time. My theory is that it’s a kind of motivated reasoning that looks something like this:
(1) good relationships require trust
(2) I want this to be a good relationship
(3) Therefore I must learn to trust this personThis sort of reasoning is, of course, completely backward. A person isn’t worthy of your trust just because you want them to be. A person is trustworthy because they tell the truth, even when it’s unpleasant, even when it causes conflict, and even when it could result in unwanted consequences. Unless you have specific, articulable examples of a person doing this, your trust is nothing more than blind faith.
I also went into an online forum, and found these wise words:
While you are contemplating your choices, please remember.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. – Einstein
Are you planning on doing something different? or just getting over it? If you don’t change anything, nothing will change. Seems logical, but when you are hurt, simple logic can slip by covered by heartache.
I’m in a relationship with a long-term partner who cheated and lied. I won’t pretend it was easy and there’s so much to say, but there are a few reasons why I am here still with him right now:
1. He took full responsibility and it stopped.
2. What we have together is really important — values, interests, shared experiences (no kids, no property)
3. We did couples counseling with a poly counselor who pretty much put him on the spot as we worked through issues. I decided I was done with him and he asked me for one last attempt. Things aren’t perfect, I don’t fully trust like I used to, but I do believe that he has changed, continues to change, has become a better communicator and better at understanding his motivation and behavior.
But the most important is this:
I was ready to leave him. I was clear. My life could go on without him and could be wonderful and I would survive. In a very real sense, it was an ultimatum, witnessed by the counselor, that he had no space for mistakes anymore. The issues that continued prior to seeing the counselor were not cheating or lying, but were about not keeping agreements to the letter (weaseling around time, etc.). At that point, it was all or nothing and I told him if he really felt he couldn’t live up to it, that was fine, but he couldn’t be with me anymore.
I will also say that one of the things that swayed me to try is knowing that I’ve made mistakes myself and that some of us do have the capacity to change. But, again, I set a limit and it was important. Forgive, but don’t forget.
How about you? What do you think? Any words of sage advice? Any lessons learned from your own dealings in your relationships?
Today, my family and I (including my poly family, my mother-in-law, my sister and her partner) are all going to spend a wonderful day seeing beautiful World War II warbird planes fly over the mall in Washington, DC to help celebrate VE Day (Victory over Europe Day). I can’t wait! And I plan to soak in every minute of it, enjoy everyone’s company, and not worry too much about what I have written here. But it is mulling around in my brain. And in the days and weeks to come, I will address all of this as we continue on our journey of healing, recovery, personal growth, and better communication. I will keep you posted! And rock on in your own lives! Sending love and big hugs!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
Thanks so much for the link! I’m glad you liked my post. This one also seems like it might have some relevance in your current situation:
>My choice is to take a risk. Risk being hurt. Risk being mistreated. Risk having my heart broken. All relationships involve that kind of risk, so I say embrace it.<
When you find that right person, the risk is so worth it.
(By the way, this is also true of medical professionals. I told my therapist a few weeks ago that finding a good medical professional was harder than finding a girlfriend. I think she finally stopped laughing enough to be able to form intelligible words again two and a half minutes later or thereabouts…)
I totally agree! And your little story had me giggling as well. Haha! Thanks!
You are so welcome! I love your blog! I would definitely put myself in the risk taker column. Indeed, embrace the risk to enjoy the potential of the magic of relationships.
Sage advice? Nope. Infidelity (almost always on my end; I can only think of a single exception, and at least I got a six-degrees-of-Kevin-Bacon story out of it–my first wife left me for Dean Ween [or Gene. I could never tell them apart]!) always ended relationships, because it only ever happened when I was in. or dating someone in, mono mode. So all of my sage post-infidelity advice is about picking up and moving on rather than patching up and moving in.
But support and good thoughts and all the virtual hugs you want? That, yes.
And those two paragraphs that start with “Later, I did start to reflect…” are so damn good. I’ve been there when relationships are going SMOOTHLY. I need to print that out and staple to the front of one of my journals as a daily mantra. Right next to this.
http://polyadvice.tumblr.com/post/116677875741/i-dont-identify-with-monogamy-im-on-my-first/embed
Well, thank you very much for the good thoughts and virtual hugs! I am happy to accept them. You telling me how much you enjoyed those particular two paragraphs really made my day. 🙂 Thanks for sharing that with me! I will definitely read the link that you provided. Thanks so much for your contributions here!
xoxo Kitty
GREAT !
Thank you! I am glad that you found something useful here. 🙂
I feel that the most important thing that you have done is set your boundaries in a formal setting, by stating what you will and will not tolerate going forward, in front of a counselor really leaves no room for miscommunication. You are taking responsibility for your relationship behavior(s) but also for your own happiness. You know that you don’t need the relationship to be happy and that revelation is , in my mind, a milestone of relationship maturity. So now you go forward, One Day At A Time, taking what you have both learned and building a new relationship. That is how you will get past this, seeing daily behaviors that reflect trustworthiness.
To quote the Philosopher Heraclitus “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man.”
To quote another great man that we both know and love. “Experience is what you get because you didn’t have it”
Rock On Kitty ! You’ve got this.
“You know that you don’t need the relationship to be happy and that revelation is , in my mind, a milestone of relationship maturity.”
QFMFT. Or, in less vulgar terms, “yes, this.”
Yes, wasn’t that awesome?! I love it! She rocks! (and now I learned a new acronym too 🙂 Thanks!)
Hahaha! Awesome, Becky, thanks for your words and awesome quotes! You rock! To clarify, the latter part of the post was something that I found in a forum, not my words. So we have not as of yet been to a counselor, or stated anything in front of one. But yes, I love the idea that we are forming a new relationship that is different and improved from the last one, so that we can create magic. Inventing new possibilities for awesomeness! We had an amazing day yesterday. Here’s to many more! Thanks for the vote of confidence! Love you!
xoxo Kitty
So if y’all talked about this, he apologized, you accepted the apology and have forgiven him, now it’s about fixing stuff – what got broken that caused the infidelity – and working on more proactive ways to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Boundaries have been set, clarified, reestablished – whatever and…
Then life goes on. You can’t act as if it never happened… but if you start to dwell on it – or get to thinking that because he did it before, he’s gonna do it again – you’re gonna not only make yourself nuts but I think it negates having forgiven him in the first place. Should you trust and/or believe there won’t be a reoccurrence? Not in the usual sense; just because one can promise such a thing isn’t a guarantee that such a promise can be kept because even with the very best of intentions, shit can still happen so, to this end, you hope for the best and expect the worst – then don’t even think like that. If you now keep looking for the other shoe to drop, that hurts the relationship and can breed suspicion, make you paranoid, and other crap like that. And, really, if you feel that he can no longer be trusted, why bother with continuing on with the relationship?
Establish better and more in-depth communications with each other so you both can keep your fingers on the pulse of the relationship but always keep in mind that no one is perfect and shit does happen when you never expect it to.
All wonderful advice and guidance, kdaddy23. Thanks for all of that. Yes, you and I are on the same page. I was more referencing trying to heal any wounds from the past that may need to be healed if possible, so that one can look to a brighter future, instead of perhaps making the same old mistakes – because that just wastes everybody’s time, including the person who has not taken steps to heal old wounds! I know my boyfriend’s family background, and I know for a fact that he has wounds to heal. I hope he can do that on his own, but I also want to support his efforts there. I also want him to be happy of course. And mending thoughts about the past (helping them to be empowering instead of negative and sad) is one way to do that.
Have a great day!
xo
Kitty