Cheers Sexy People!
This past weekend, I attended what for me was a transformational event. I attended my first Landmark Forum. I don’t know how many of our awesome peeps in our community have checked this “dive into the deep end of the pool” seminar out (and I’d love to hear from you to get your thoughts), but personally, I got alot out of it. It’s actually quite difficult to describe, but suffice it to say that if you feel that there are obstacles in your way to achieve all that you want to achieve in life, this seminar helps clear the way for you to find first peace (about your past) and then success (for your future). Truly an amazing experience. I also met alot of wonderful people there, and if it came up in conversation or I wanted to get really authentic (that’s a big word and concept at the Landmark Forum, which is right up my alley!), I was forthcoming that I am polyamorous, and was very honest about what my situation is there relationship-wise. As usual, no one cared or judged me (it’s usually our fear that people will judge us that is more overwhelming and intimidating than the actual truth of the matter).
On the last evening of the forum, the participants are invited to bring guests to get a quick sample of some of the concepts that they are teaching. I successfully brought both my husband and my boyfriend, and introduced them as such to my new friends. It felt very liberating and I am getting quite used to doing that. BEFORE the seminar portion of the night, I took my boyfriend out to dinner, both to celebrate an achievement that I recently received professionally, but also to have another heart to heart with him. Some of the powerful things that really impacted me over the weekend that really helped me had to do with the concept of forgiveness, how to live a fulfilling life with integrity, and being really authentic (versus inauthentic) in our dealings with people in our lives.
Here’s some nuggets of wisdom that I took from the course:
Not forgiving someone is like you taking the poison hoping THEY will DIE.
Expectations kill life. So be powerfully connected to REALITY and love life. Love what you get. Because you GOT it. Resistance (to what is) is Suffering. So stop resisting reality and what is.
Integrity: A state or condition of being whole, complete, unbroken, unimpaired, sound, perfect condition. Integrity is the necessary condition for workability.
I really let all of those words and concepts soak into my brain, and I really “got it.” I saw not only how much my boyfriend has been doing to earn my forgiveness over the past two months, but also how me NOT forgiving him was actually hurting both of us, especially me. It was very clear to me that his heart was in the right place, that he deeply loved me, and that he was sorry for his previous actions that were done outside of his integrity. And for my own peace of mind, and desire for my own life to ROCK and be happy and pleasurable, it was time to forgive him, while still honoring my own wishes and integrity. Here is part of what I said to him that helped set me free, give me more peace of mind, and helped us both get beyond the negativity of the past, and focus more on the beauty of the future:
“I want you to know that my life is better because you are in it. Though I don’t condone your past behavior and how it then affected me, I forgive you for being human and making human mistakes in regards to your integrity. I believe that you can be all that you want to be and more. I know it in my heart. I thank you for being in my life and helping me be who I am sitting here before you today. I love you being in my life, and I love you from the bottom of my heart to the top of my purple head.”
I think we both felt such relief after this moment. I know I did. And I’m ready to tackle anything that comes our way to carve out a better future. We are still talking very openly, learning to communicate better, and working on having an awesome relationship one day at a time. And I am loving every minute of it.
From my last post, an insightful reader, E.H., had some great thoughts to add to the discussion within a polyamorous Facebook forum. They were so right on the money, I wanted to share them with you here:
I think there are a range of reasons why people choose to continue or not continue a relationship after trust has been broken (and sometimes, ‘surviving’ for an individual does mean moving on without looking back, even if it’s not the survival of the relationship). It’s probably influenced heavily by things like:
– How long ago was it?
– Why did they do it?
– Is it likely they will do it again?
– How do they feel about having done it?
– How do you feel about them having done it?
– What was your relationship like at the time it was happening?
– How long have you been together?
– How much do you have invested in your relationship (emotional or otherwise)?
– Are there children, pets, mortgages you need to consider?
– What else was happening in your lives at the time?
– Do you know/are you close friends with the other party involved in the cheating?And lots more questions that I’m probably not thinking of right now. The one thing to say is that whether you choose to stay in the relationship or leave, both are entirely legitimate, viable responses; and no one can criticize anyone else’s choices in that matter. Hopefully whether you stayed or left, you would come to a less painful place when thinking of that situation in the future, and maybe, hopefully, the cheater learned something too.
For myself, personally, I err on the side of forgiveness and understanding and tolerance in all difficult situations, unless it’s clear that they deliberately did something to hurt me (as opposed to the hurt being an unintentional or thoughtless side effect of their actions). In which case, they’re out – I don’t need people in my life who go out of their way to hurt me.
How about you? What are your thoughts on any of this? Have you taken The Landmark Forum and what did you think? Do you like any of the concepts that are laid out in this post? What rocks your world in terms of forgiveness, love and communication that you would “like to share with the class.” It’s so great to learn from each other and share nuggets of wisdom. Thanks in advance for sharing!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
A very thoughtful and thought provoking post. I think that much of what brings us pain in life are the expectations that we put on people, places and things. As the saying goes, expectations are premeditated resentments, so I try to keep them to a minimum and in doing so, have become a happier, more peaceful person. Forgiveness and letting go of resentments are a gift you give to yourself as well as the person who has hurt you. It can be a tall order but, in the end, the peace that comes from forgiving is worth the effort it takes to let go of our egos and move to a place of compassion and love.
Very well said, Rebecca. Thank you for “sharing with the class.” I totally get it. I love that saying (that I never heard before, by the way) that “expectations are premeditated resentments.” Love that! Because I see how true it is. Also cool to see that forgiveness and letting go of resentments are really just about the same thing. True dat! Very thoughtful comment! THANK YOU!!!
xoxo Kitty
In any relationship, forgiveness is hard to come by. We tend to forget that none of us are perfect – we will make mistakes – but then we expect ourselves and our partners to not make mistakes and, as such, there are some mistakes that are seen as being unforgivable – infidelity is right at the top of that list.
Something this traumatic can’t ever be forgotten and you’d have more success defecating a gold brick before being forgiven in this particular situation – being betrayed in any fashion is hard to forgive because it is some very deep emotional hurt.
That and some people feel that if you forgive, not only did the other person get away unpunished for whatever they did, by forgiving them, you’re telling them that it was okay for them to do whatever they did.
When we’ve been wronged, it’s hard to forgive but I think the key thing in this is what’s done about the situation that forgiveness is called for, usually, fixing whatever got broken so that whatever happened doesn’t happen again and then working together to heal so that the relationship can move forward on positive notes.
On paper, forgiveness sounds easy to do – it makes a lot of sense to be able to forgive a transgression… but for most of us, it’s damned difficult to actually do and if we can do it, it will take time… lots of time and we’d have to want to forgive them to begin with.
And, in a perfect world, we should want to forgive them (or be forgiven) because it makes no sense to have to deal with all the dangerous – and poisonous – feelings that will continue to fester inside us, literally eating everyone alive – and that never helps anyone.
And if we can stop expecting our partner/partners to be infallible, forgiveness is easier. I learned this by being a parent, believe it or not; my mother told me something very important: You leave room for your children to make mistakes so when they do – and they will make mistakes – you won’t be surprised. I found that this works in relationships, too. Yes, when they’ve given their word that they’re going to be the best person possible, we expect them to forever keep their word and not break it – and that is unrealistic because, at some point, something’s going to happen that we will have to forgive them for. But if we allow room for our partner(s) to make mistakes, we’re not surprised by them – and forgiveness becomes easier because, after all, they’re only human…
And so are you. And you find a way to be forgiving because, one day, you might be the one who needs to be forgiven.
I hear you that forgiveness is scarce, and infidelity is often at the top of the “unforgivable” list. I guess it’s human nature to get so upset by it, sometimes more than anything else. That visual that we get in our head is hard to ignore, as well as the subsequent intense emotional pain that you mentioned.
And yes, that’s why – both for myself to be able to say it and feel good about it – I decided to make sure to say “while I don’t condone your behavior…”, because if I didnt’t add that, it would make it harder to forgive. But by being true to myself, by being really authentic, I could still forgive while being super honest with my values.
We are still working on this: “…fixing whatever got broken so that whatever happened doesn’t happen again, and then working together to heal so that the relationship can move forward on positive notes.” And that was well said. But we are getting more positives going every day. So yay for that!
I have another relationship (not romantic) where I have had difficulty forgiving someone from something that happened years ago. I said the words, but I didn’t really mean them. This experience is helping me get in touch with that, and be honest with myself about if I have TRULY forgiven someone or not, and I am only hurting myself by not doing so. How silly!
That was a great point about not only trying not to have expectations, but also trying not be surprised, so you then tend to feel like you got the “rug pulled out from under you.” No one likes that feeling. But we can try to be more accepting for reality. As you said, we are all only human after all.
Indeed, “he who throws the first stone, be not a sinner.” And we are all human and make mistakes. Let’s own that.
Love you! Thanks for all of this! You rock, kdaddy23!
xoxo
Kitty
If I remember it right, forgiveness isn’t about the other person – it’s about you… or something like that. Even I found that if you have no forgiveness in your heart and tend to hold grudges (and the older they are, the worse this gets), you just don’t ever feel right about yourself, even when you feel justified to be unforgiving. I learned something: Which is worse, the person who did something that calls for forgiveness… or the person who cannot forgive anything?
And when you’re poly, ha, you’d better be able to forgive! Yep, you make it clear to them that you didn’t like whatever they did and express your hopes that that don’t do it again; you spend some time being pissed about it (in your head, hopefully) and then forgive them – you don’t have to forget what they did but if you don’t forgive and hold that grudge, you’re not helping matters.
All well said, as usual!
Someone once said that acid first eats the container it is held in. Forgiveness allows us to empty the acid within us that would otherwise continue to corrode our happiness. None of us is perfect, but we can be perfect FOR someone else, if we try hard enough.
What a great metaphor, Steven. Thanks for sharing it with us. Even just the words “corroding our happiness” is a great expression to keep in mind. Sometimes, I think we can be perfect for each other just in the sense that we WANT to be with each other. 🙂
When I think of forgiveness I think of Avatar: The Last Airbender!
Yes, I know, it’s a Nickelodeon cartoon. Yes, its set in an Asian setting. Yes, I know most of you may not know what this series is all about.
The story is about the Ang, the Avatar–Master of the elements (Earth, Water, Fire, Air). Ang is hunted by Prince Zukko of the Fire Nation. For the entire season, Zukko is chasing Ang to restore his honor with his father, the Fire Lord. When he has a chance to redeem himself he chooses to betray a better path to go for instant honor. But instead of being satisfied with his father’s “honor” he realize real love came not from his father, but his Uncle. Zukko leaves his father, joins the Avatar, and tries to find redemption from his Uncle. This scene brings me to tears everytime I watch it. But it so typifies what forgiveness is all about.
https://youtu.be/2Q1dRSh8Idk
A person losing their way is one thing, but if they find it and find themselves in the process is true redemption. Here’s hoping each of you find your way and learn to forgive each other so you can all move on.
Apparently, I have to see this Avatar: The Last Airbender, because you are the second person to mention it to me after writing this post. Haha! Thanks for your thorough description. Awww, I just watched the video you linked to. And funny to hear the uncle “has a pretty strong scent.” Haha! I really appreciate all of your kind and loving words and sentiments. Thank you!
xoxo Kitty
Dear Kitty! love and forgiveness is key! we all make mistakes and i love how you have approached this subject and topic.
LOVE and to be loved, is the Key!
I really appreciate your contribution here, and your kind words. This was a difficult period to go through in my life, especially my polyamorous life. And I was nervous about sharing here. But in the end, I feel I learned some valuable lessons that I am more than happy to share with everyone. LOVE, COMPASSION and FORGIVENESS really do help make the world go round and make the world a better place for all of us!
xoxo
Kitty
I’ve always liked the idea of “forgive, but don’t forget.” To me, they address two different things. Forgiveness is about you, and how you feel. Refusing to forgive means staying angry and resentful. Sometimes you need that to give you strength, but it’s not something I’d recommend with a romantic partner. If you’re staying together, forgiveness is probably a good choice.
Forgetting is a different thing entirely. Before this episode began, you had a picture of your partner as as trustworthy regarding this topic. That picture has now been proven false. You were wrong. The only reasonable thing to do is update your picture of Who He Is to include this behavior and its effects on your ability to trust. Forgiving IN NO WAY means trusting. Forgiveness is about you. Trust is about him.
I’ve written on this topic before at http://livingwithinreason.com/2014/05/16/trusting-the-untrustworthy/, which is about a similar situation someone on Reddit posted about.
What a great insight that you shared here, and so eloquently! Nicely done. Yes, forgiveness in many areas of my life, including friendship, is something that I am actively working on. And I also think timing and truthfulness is so important here. You can “say” you forgive someone, but if your heart and mind hasn’t TRULY forgiven them, the poisonous resentment and anger stays with you, and can eat you alive, sucking out your happiness – whether you choose to realize it or not!
This was excellent:
“… update your picture of Who He Is to include this behavior and its effects on your ability to trust. Forgiving IN NO WAY means trusting. Forgiveness is about you. Trust is about him.”
Well done. Thanks for the link to your post. I will check it out! Thanks so much!