Cheers Sexy People!
Soooo I’m ready to talk about something here on my ethical non-monogamy blog. As you may have guessed from recent posts… I got cheated on. Yes, that’s right – after I’ve been writing this blog for over two years now, digging deeper into my commitment to polyamory, trust, integrity, honesty, transparency, blah, blah, blah, turns out one of my partners (my beau) had an affair.
I delayed directly talking about it here because:
– I didn’t create this blog to air my dirty laundry or be a reality TV show of my life.
– I DID create this blog to help spread love, positive energy and yes occasionally solve problems as a group, sometimes my own. But some issues are better worked on privately before I make it public. Then I can report back what I learned.
– I didn’t want to write an angry, upset, unintelligible post about how I was feeling and how betrayed I felt. I didn’t think it would come out well or be beneficial to you. And frankly, I was even embarrassed. I mean, who cheats on a polyamorous blogger? That’s just a lame situation, ain’t it? Certainly ironic, that’s for sure!
– Simply put: Privacy. For myself and my partners, while we talked, processed, slept on it, sought help, tried to sort out what would happen next, etc.
– Even though I was angry, I didn’t want to embarrass my partner and “out” his indiscretion while we were in the very worst of it all. That just seems mean, and I do my best to try not to be a mean person. We all fuck up. Some fuck-ups are certainly bigger than others, but some of that is in the eye of the beholder – “let he who has never sinned throw the first stone,” etc. I am a “Recovering Cheater” after all (though my last indiscretion was over… 19 years ago around 1996… wow, how can I be THAT OLD?!?! But I digress…). I would say I am fully recovered at this point (19 YEARS, MAN!), but some of us are slower on that path.
I do take pride in sharing very openly my polyamorous adventures with you – the good, the bad and the ugly. And I’m still all for that! But there are many moments in life where we need to take care of ourselves first before we reach out to others (God, I wish more people understood that simple truth actually!).
Let’s just say… I’ve been meditating… ALOT! It’s been helping.
So what happened? All I’m really comfortable saying is apparently the indiscretion happened two years ago, lasted for several months, WHILE he was living with me (that part really, really hurts), and the girl broke up with him because she “freaked out” and that’s how it ended. Why did I find out now you ask? Because my beau did something incredibly… um… not bright… to bring it to light. It also turns out that the infidelity happened right after he had had his last big breakup that I have written about many times on this blog. And I know that many of us use coping mechanisms when something bad happens to us. I go for drinking lots of wine typically. At least two years ago, my beau went for sex. Looking back, maybe there were small signs. But he KNEW what our agreements were, and that I would flip the fuck out if he broke them, and I trusted that he was being honest with me about his other relationships – apparently he was with about 95% of them. Why lie about this girl? I’m not sure. I think it was a form of rebellious behavior to try to put a band-aid on the pain from the breakup. And maybe he didn’t want to “worry me” or have another big talk or whatever. We are still talking about all of this, but there are only so many painful conversations we can all have in a day or a week. One day at a time.
So when the shit hit the fan (sorry for all of the cursing in this post, but I’m from Philadelphia 🙂 ), it was REALLY TRULY ugly. My beau assumed we were going to kick him out and packed up his car to go God knows where. Once I found out what happened, there was screaming, crying, hushed whispers when I couldn’t cry anymore, pleading, and in the end, believe it or not, there were hugs. After we slept on it after the big reveal, what I realized is… we are a family. This is my family. And I love my family. We are not perfect. We are human. We are flawed. And until we get to the bottom of why this happened, there’s no way I’m going to kick a loved one out on the street when he might be at one of THE LOWEST points of his life, when he’s looking for support so that maybe he can turn a corner, to find a better way to live, to look deep inside to find out “Why did I DO that?” “Where am I going with my life?” “Why did I recklessly choose to hurt the people that I love most?” or lastly “Why did I think I could get away with it?”
…We have had many heart to hearts, all of us (my husband, my beau and I). I still don’t know ultimately what’s going to happen. But I aim to be the most compassionate, loving, sane person I can be while I/we figure it out. If at the end of the day, we decide we can’t get past this, or our values are too different, or I think this behavior is unable to stop and I’ll just get hurt again, well then… I guess we will break up. But that day has not come yet. We are in the middle of a strange journey. Each day is a little different. We are learning. We are growing. We are healing. I’m not ready to give up yet. My husband has been a freaking rock star through all of this, I gotta say too. Just truly extraordinary. Even to the point that he got deeply moved when he realized I was not kicking my beau out of the house, and instead was showing love and compassion and “let’s take this day by day before we do anything rash” type of thinking. Then I was touched that he was touched, and we were all a crying mess again on the other side of the fence!
They say love is letting go of fear. I say… love… just IS sometimes. Just sit with it. Meditate. Walk. Think. I still believe we are all connected. Let’s get through this life living as fully and functionally as possible! Who’s with me!?! I ain’t licked yet! (damn, I wish I was just licked right there. Haha, see I still have my sense of humor. That’s good!)
For your reading pleasure, here’s a few articles related to the topic at hand.
15 Steps to Surviving An Affair
This one surprised me how relevant it is to what I described above.
This is totally worth the read and I highly recommend it:
Naked Women Changed My Life:
10 Unexpected Lessons I Learned From Strippers
The Unexpected Lessons that moved me for this article:
– Don’t Judge. Everyone has a story.
– We are all hiding something.
– Compassion can be found where you least expect it.
– Family doesn’t always mean blood.
– Take care of one another.
– In order to grow, we have to step out of our comfort zone.
As always, feel free to comment on anything that I have written here, or on any of the articles that I shared. Your thoughts and contributions are welcome and encouraged. Spread love and compassion, take care of yourselves and have a great weekend!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)