Cheers Sexy People!
Recently, a dear friend of mine whom I met through this blog, asked me if my partners have partners themselves. I have written about my partners’ partners (otherwise known as “metamours” in the poly community) in many posts over the last two years. However, since an avid reader of my blog was unclear about this, let’s look at this directly.
Do my partners have partners?
In a word: Yes
Absolutely. In my poly family, we are not working from the concept of “polyandry” or me having multiple husbands, with the implication that perhaps they have no partners of their own. We are definitely working from the concept, philosophy and practice of polyamory. We are open to the idea and experience of all of us (my husband, my boyfriend and myself) having consensual, simultaneous, loving relationships with others. Also, we are not poly fidelitous, meaning that our group is closed, as many poly families are.
Here’s how it works and some of the history:
Girlfriend #1 – My husband’s main OSO (Other Significant Other) is our mutual friend. She is in a professional and has the personality type where she deeply wants to protect her privacy. So I make a point to not talk about her very much here. What’s perhaps worthy to note is that the hubs and I met her at the same time about five years ago. She was our neighbor and married at the time. We eventually learned that she was in an open relationship. We joke that our “play-dar” was on, and we all thought that each of us might be in open relationships. Upon learning that fact, she and I became very close, intimate friends, sharing lots of feelings and details about our lives with one another. I learned to trust her and really get to know who she was. Eventually, she ended up getting a divorce, and my husband and I were really ”there” for her through this experience. Partly from this bonding experience, she and my husband started to get very close as well, and eventually started dating (yes, with my blessing).
Another interesting thing to note is that when my boyfriend needed a place to live, she offered him a room in her townhouse. I think this is an excellent example of polycules looking out for one another.
She is now married to a wonderful (monogamous) man that she met at a party at our house ironically. She still has a great (poly) relationship with my husband, and she and I are still wonderful friends. Also, the hubs and I are the godparents of her daughter. Yay!!!!!
Other Girlfriends / Partners – When she lived only one state away, my husband had a college sweetheart that he would occasionally date. She and I have become very good friends, and I adore her. 🙂 She and her husband lean more towards the swinger lifestyle than polyamory. Regardless, she and my husband are quite fond of each other. Unfortunately for us, she moved halfway across the country. But she is happy, and we are happy for her.
My husband does not really “date” that much otherwise. But he has had some other special ladies in his life, of course with my consent and knowledge.
Other Girlfriends / Partners – At this moment, my boyfriend is not currently dating anyone else. That is by choice as we work through some issues, and he focuses on his career and other aspects of his life. This is a temporary situation however. What I have noticed in the almost five years since my beau and I have been together, is that he is happiest when he is dating roughly three women at the same time. He seems the most alive and vibrant, full of life and energy then. And I am well aware of this. And I do my best to cheer him on in his adventures, as long as he is safe / responsible, communicative and looking out for our relationship. But what I have also found over the years is that I am often not fond of his choices in other partners. He and I have talked about this at length. I have also found ways to deal with this on my end. Let me tell you, it is not always easy, leading this polyamorous life. Negotiating boundaries and agreements can be quite trying and tedious. Some days, it downright sucks, I’m here to tell you. But I can also tell you that I have grown immensely as a person, a lover and a friend through this process of self-discovery and self-identifying as polyamorous, as well as learning how to do it as best as I can. And I wouldn’t have it any other way! Also, in some respects, I have no choice. I can’t turn this all off and go back to monogamy. That is like asking a homosexual to just go back to being heterosexual. Homey, it just ain’t gonna happen! Is polyamory a choice? You bet it is. But is it also just WHO I AM? You betcha! This is me, folks! Get used to it! 🙂
Major Relationship #1 – From the history side, my boyfriend has had what I would say are two major other relationships since he and I have been together. Shortly after he and I met, he ended up serendipitously dating and falling in love with an old flame of his. This woman had broken up with him the first time around. So getting back together with her I’m sure was like healing an old wound. He told her about me right away and introduced me to her. She and I got along OK, but we didn’t get close by any means.
She eventually fell in love with my beau as well. And over time, I think she really started to have a difficult time knowing that he was still seeing me as well. BUT she had a hard time communicating that effectively. Instead she bottled it up. Eventually, her emotions exploded and she broke up with my beau again. He was very upset. It was the first time in my poly life that I was there to witness my partner deal with a breakup, and it wasn’t pretty.
Today, they are friends again, and only friends. It works for everyone.
Major Relationship #2 – About three years ago, my beau met a woman online whom he liked and started a relationship with. He again introduced me to her right away. At first, I thought we hit it off rather well. But when the three of us went away for the weekend together (shortly after she started to fall in love with my beau), her jealousy and uncomfortable feelings got tweaked. She had a dramatic episode and demanded not to ever be in my (or my husband’s) presence again, and she would only date my beau “separately.” Well, alrighty then!
Eventually, that wasn’t enough either, and she repeatedly demanded that my beau break up with me as, afterall, “I already had a husband.” She also kept saying that she was NOT POLY, thus couldn’t handle all this and shouldn’t have to. Those were dark days indeed. I’m still a little traumatized from it if I’m honest – the lack of concern for not only my feelings, but my beau’s happiness. Very upsetting – the manipulations and drama.
Eventually she broke up with my beau in another dramatic moment, right after he was going to commit to her and “go monogamous.” Again, he was very upset after. We got through it somehow. None of us relate with her at all at this point.
As a bonus, here is a great article about the myths and facts of polyamory:
There are as many ways to “do” polyamory as there are self-identified polyamorous people in the world. Each of my chosen two relationships brings me satisfaction and brings something different to the table for me. Being polyamorous, I enjoy the variety and the personal growth that comes with learning how to succeed at and nurture these relationships, or whatever relationships I end up having in the future. Also, I learn so much from getting to know my metamours, as well as how to manage my ensuing emotions from their existence. I also learn more about my partners in the choices that they make in other partners. What are your thoughts on anything that I’ve shared here? I’d love to hear from you!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)