Cheers Sexy People!
Recently, a dear friend of mine whom I met through this blog, asked me if my partners have partners themselves. I have written about my partners’ partners (otherwise known as “metamours” in the poly community) in many posts over the last two years. However, since an avid reader of my blog was unclear about this, let’s look at this directly.
Do my partners have partners?
In a word: Yes
Absolutely. In my poly family, we are not working from the concept of “polyandry” or me having multiple husbands, with the implication that perhaps they have no partners of their own. We are definitely working from the concept, philosophy and practice of polyamory. We are open to the idea and experience of all of us (my husband, my boyfriend and myself) having consensual, simultaneous, loving relationships with others. Also, we are not poly fidelitous, meaning that our group is closed, as many poly families are.
Here’s how it works and some of the history:
MY HUSBAND
Girlfriend #1 – My husband’s main OSO (Other Significant Other) is our mutual friend. She is in a professional and has the personality type where she deeply wants to protect her privacy. So I make a point to not talk about her very much here. What’s perhaps worthy to note is that the hubs and I met her at the same time about five years ago. She was our neighbor and married at the time. We eventually learned that she was in an open relationship. We joke that our “play-dar” was on, and we all thought that each of us might be in open relationships. Upon learning that fact, she and I became very close, intimate friends, sharing lots of feelings and details about our lives with one another. I learned to trust her and really get to know who she was. Eventually, she ended up getting a divorce, and my husband and I were really ”there” for her through this experience. Partly from this bonding experience, she and my husband started to get very close as well, and eventually started dating (yes, with my blessing).
Another interesting thing to note is that when my boyfriend needed a place to live, she offered him a room in her townhouse. I think this is an excellent example of polycules looking out for one another.
She is now married to a wonderful (monogamous) man that she met at a party at our house ironically. She still has a great (poly) relationship with my husband, and she and I are still wonderful friends. Also, the hubs and I are the godparents of her daughter. Yay!!!!!
Other Girlfriends / Partners – When she lived only one state away, my husband had a college sweetheart that he would occasionally date. She and I have become very good friends, and I adore her. 🙂 She and her husband lean more towards the swinger lifestyle than polyamory. Regardless, she and my husband are quite fond of each other. Unfortunately for us, she moved halfway across the country. But she is happy, and we are happy for her.
My husband does not really “date” that much otherwise. But he has had some other special ladies in his life, of course with my consent and knowledge.
MY BOYFRIEND
Other Girlfriends / Partners – At this moment, my boyfriend is not currently dating anyone else. That is by choice as we work through some issues, and he focuses on his career and other aspects of his life. This is a temporary situation however. What I have noticed in the almost five years since my beau and I have been together, is that he is happiest when he is dating roughly three women at the same time. He seems the most alive and vibrant, full of life and energy then. And I am well aware of this. And I do my best to cheer him on in his adventures, as long as he is safe / responsible, communicative and looking out for our relationship. But what I have also found over the years is that I am often not fond of his choices in other partners. He and I have talked about this at length. I have also found ways to deal with this on my end. Let me tell you, it is not always easy, leading this polyamorous life. Negotiating boundaries and agreements can be quite trying and tedious. Some days, it downright sucks, I’m here to tell you. But I can also tell you that I have grown immensely as a person, a lover and a friend through this process of self-discovery and self-identifying as polyamorous, as well as learning how to do it as best as I can. And I wouldn’t have it any other way! Also, in some respects, I have no choice. I can’t turn this all off and go back to monogamy. That is like asking a homosexual to just go back to being heterosexual. Homey, it just ain’t gonna happen! Is polyamory a choice? You bet it is. But is it also just WHO I AM? You betcha! This is me, folks! Get used to it! 🙂
Major Relationship #1 – From the history side, my boyfriend has had what I would say are two major other relationships since he and I have been together. Shortly after he and I met, he ended up serendipitously dating and falling in love with an old flame of his. This woman had broken up with him the first time around. So getting back together with her I’m sure was like healing an old wound. He told her about me right away and introduced me to her. She and I got along OK, but we didn’t get close by any means.
She eventually fell in love with my beau as well. And over time, I think she really started to have a difficult time knowing that he was still seeing me as well. BUT she had a hard time communicating that effectively. Instead she bottled it up. Eventually, her emotions exploded and she broke up with my beau again. He was very upset. It was the first time in my poly life that I was there to witness my partner deal with a breakup, and it wasn’t pretty.
Today, they are friends again, and only friends. It works for everyone.
Major Relationship #2 – About three years ago, my beau met a woman online whom he liked and started a relationship with. He again introduced me to her right away. At first, I thought we hit it off rather well. But when the three of us went away for the weekend together (shortly after she started to fall in love with my beau), her jealousy and uncomfortable feelings got tweaked. She had a dramatic episode and demanded not to ever be in my (or my husband’s) presence again, and she would only date my beau “separately.” Well, alrighty then!
Eventually, that wasn’t enough either, and she repeatedly demanded that my beau break up with me as, afterall, “I already had a husband.” She also kept saying that she was NOT POLY, thus couldn’t handle all this and shouldn’t have to. Those were dark days indeed. I’m still a little traumatized from it if I’m honest – the lack of concern for not only my feelings, but my beau’s happiness. Very upsetting – the manipulations and drama.
Eventually she broke up with my beau in another dramatic moment, right after he was going to commit to her and “go monogamous.” Again, he was very upset after. We got through it somehow. None of us relate with her at all at this point.
As a bonus, here is a great article about the myths and facts of polyamory:
http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/10/myths-and-facts-of-polyamory/?fb_ref=Default&fb_source=message
____________________________
There are as many ways to “do” polyamory as there are self-identified polyamorous people in the world. Each of my chosen two relationships brings me satisfaction and brings something different to the table for me. Being polyamorous, I enjoy the variety and the personal growth that comes with learning how to succeed at and nurture these relationships, or whatever relationships I end up having in the future. Also, I learn so much from getting to know my metamours, as well as how to manage my ensuing emotions from their existence. I also learn more about my partners in the choices that they make in other partners. What are your thoughts on anything that I’ve shared here? I’d love to hear from you!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
Thanks for this! So many ways to “do” poly. Love hearing about other’s experiences!
You are so very welcome! Absolutely there are so many ways to “do” poly indeed. Everyone that I know does it just a little differently, uniquely for them.
I always learn something here, but this article seemed to have an abrupt ending almost as if you didn’t even want to share this part of you, but felt the need to since this does happen to many relationships and you are the one voice that many can relate to.
What I read is you have a very nurturing, loving relationship with your husband. You can see the adoration and it paints an almost perfect picture. Your relationship with your beau is the polar opposite, where there is a need for a storm, one that you have a need to calm down.
Is this something that occurs with many poly relationships out there or is it a battle of your own wills? I see many of my poly friends with new relationships…sometimes too often(who am I to judge, but it does get confusing to keep up) and many of them fight the same battle each time.
I am sorry that you felt that this ended abruptly. Everything that I share on this blog, I am absolutely psyched and honored to write about and share with all of you. Otherwise, what’s the point, eh? Answering my reader’s questions is fun for me and a privilege to be asked. So I was very happy to answer my friend Rachel’s question. Also, I have spoken about everything in this article before in other blog posts (as seen by the links above).
You are partially correct in your assumptions here, but not 100% accurate. So allow me to clarify as best as I can for you. Think of poly relationships just as any other relationship – with a close friend, with a trusted colleague, with an adored child. Each relationship brings something different to the table for you, and also, there may be some overlap in each relationship. But you enjoy having each of them in your life for the wonderful things that they bring you.
Polyamorous relationship are similar in the sense that each relationship takes on its own beauty and its own place in your life for however long it is there. One of the reasons that some choose polyamory (including this gal <—– right here) is the variety, and the personal realization that we cannot expect all of our needs to get met by one individual all of the time. The qualities that I enjoy in droves with my relationship with my husband (stability, ease of communication because we are so similar, love of business challenges, tender affection, etc.) are mostly different than the qualities that I enjoy with my boyfriend (excitement, personal growth in the form of learning to communicate effectively with someone who is wired a bit differently than I, love of cos-play and kink, mutual love of the arts, etc). But there are also many overlaps (love of our home and taking care of it, love of travel, mutual respect and admiration of each of our unique qualities, love of certain types of entertainment – such as movies or games, love of each other). Also, to truly love another person, one needs to love their flaws in addition to their good qualities. 🙂
So it is not a battle of wills, for me at least, as you took it to be. They are simply different relationships with different people, for as long as they each last. I hope they last for a long time, of course.
Tell me more about the “battle of wills” of your polyamorous friend’s relationships so that I can better understand. Would any of your polyamorous friends want to be interviewed or care to share their thoughts?
Also, at the risk of the post getting too long, I will add a short statement at the end to help with the “abrupt ending” partly based on our conversation here. 🙂 Thanks for the insight.
I just see a pattern with them. One has been in a relationship for years and it is quite stable. The other has had multiple partners of both sexes. One thing that is not realized, is how it affects their friends who are not poly. It is hard to keep up at times on who is dating who (I would like to think no matter what we are welcoming, but sometimes we don’t find out about a new partner till they show up to a gathering and sometimes we never see them again) without feeling stupid or worrying about saying the wrong thing.
First, let me say that you sound like you are a very good friend to be so empathic and welcoming of your various pals and their chosen lifestyles. Good for you! I understand what you are saying how their relationship style and choices do affect you and their other friends who are not poly. So you see the “battle of wills” pattern with your polyamorous friends, but you do not see such types of dynamics with your monogamous friends, partly because they only be definition have one relationship? Is that right? I would say overall, it is very commendable of you to learn about your friend’s chosen lifestyle – by doing such things as reading my blog – to help ease your understanding. At the end of the day, it would be good to accept them for who they are. If they have transient relationships, so be it. If they have a new partner that for whatever reason they did not introduce you to them prior, and then you never see So-N-So again, so be it. That said, if you think there is a request that you can make that would be reasonable and ease things for you (such as: “Do you think you can maybe let me know when you are bringing a guest that I have never met before ahead of time?”), then hey, go ahead and ask them! They may have no idea that that might be a helpful thing to do (if indeed it is, as I am guessing). I hope that was helpful.
Either way, thanks for reading my blog, and for contributing your valuable thoughts to the conversation. 🙂
Oh gosh, most monogamous relationships have more issues I think! Lol. You don’t have the opportunity to be open where you want emotionally and physically at time because your partner may not want to participate in that area of your life. So in a sense poly makes more sense to me since you have more avenues to be more who you are, but with the people who accept or want to be part of you that you need to share. I think lots of monogamous relationships lack in that area. You may like kink, and well your partner doesn’t…so you miss out and vice versa.
I have learne a lot through this blog and I would like to think no matter what I accept my friends and their partners who I become friends with, with an open heart and a smile on my face.
Haha! Interesting hearing your insights on monogamous relationships from your observations and experiences. I agree that depending on one’s interests and what type of person you are, polyamory can make more sense to offer more avenues to be who you truly are. Well said! It is not an easy choice to practice polyamory given how there is a small percentage of the population practicing it all, not even counting how many are “out” about it. Places like this blog try to offer support, advice and strategies for those seeking answers. I am elated to hear that you have learned alot at this blog. Again, you sound like a very good friend. Your friends are lucky to have you. 🙂
Incredibly enlightening, thank you for taking the pains to write this. I had a lot of questions, that I’d previously asked a blogger who is part of a closed poly r’ship, and now I see that what was the norm for that person isn’t at all “the way things are” for other people who happen to be poly, So many terms to try to figure out though, it’s a shame this isn’t taught in schools!
When you know a little about the story behind it, you get to see, as an outsider, how this particular relationship has come about, which isn’t a contrived thing, it’s a natural, organic thing.
What a wonderful comment! You made my day! Thanks so much for contributing your thoughts here. I am so glad that you found my post enlightening. You are welcome to ask me any questions that you like. Yes, polyamorous relationships and families can be extremely diverse, and sometimes complicated due partly to the number of people involved, and therefore the varying agreements that are made as a result. I too wish that polyamory was taught in school. But I don’t think we are there yet. Haha! But you did give me some valuable insight into something that I have been thinking about: an online course. 🙂 Also, perhaps I should add a glossary to my blog here. Would that be helpful, do you think? I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to make this blog and website better and better. And yes, to me, polyamory does feel very natural and organic. Part of the issue is there are not a lot of places to turn for answers and examples to model after – so we are forced to figure it out as we go.
There are so many things I wish were taught in schools Kitty – one of my gripes was why spirituality and the interconnectedness and unity of all souls and beings isn’t a widespread idea, because from that we actually learn we’re all one and should love and respect each other, rather than what is taught is all religious BS!
Anyway, poly may not be far off from being on the curriculum, as only a short while ago it would have been unheard of for homosexuality to be discussed as part of sexual education.
Before the online course, which would be a lot of work and time, a glossary would be a great idea, as people still have a lot of questions. Perhaps also a database (or whatever the hell they call them these days) of other blogs on a similar topic, and what specifically they deal with. Ah, a blogroll, I think it’s called.
There are people such as myself that are interested in the poly lifestyle, but haven’t taken steps to making it a reality yet, in my case due to having very transitory living situations and I haven’t been in the same country for more than 6 months since 2012. At the moment I’m in a long-distance open relationship with someone that’s married, which is wonderful but somewhat unsustainable long-term, and it’s only natural to be thinking about “the next step” and what I might want, what I can handle, how I can best serve myself and others.
No particular reason but just wanted to share this blog I recently stumbled upon, you may know it, but this is a very different poly situation, the questions on this particular post were from me. http://wp.me/p4MBV4-1q I like the format of being invited to participate in a Q and A, it made me feel I could ask anything daft and not feel like I’m detracting from the blog writer’s agenda (sometimes fielding comments can be time-consuming, even when commenters are not being contentious!).
I agree there are many more topics that I wish were not only taught in school, but were mandatory. When I had finished college, I remember feeling very ill-equipped in various areas of my life looking back. I couldn’t agree more about loving and respecting one another. Maybe there would be less “haters” in the world if that philosophy was taught not only more in schools, but in the home first as well.
I hope that you are right, and that the world is making a space open for polyamory, after we have made such strides with homosexuality. Both have been around since the dawn of time. Thanks so much for your thoughtful feedback. I will absolutely offer a glossary here. It is now officially on my to do list. I do read some other blogs occasionally, but I find I don’t have alot of time to read many consistently. So I’m not sure I have enough first-hand experience to offer a blogroll at the moment, but I will keep it in mind for the future.
You are literally the third person I have spoken to in less than a week who is looking at polyamory as a possible relationship choice due partly to a transient lifestyle. Thank you so much for sharing that blog with me. I did check it out and will delve into it further. Sharing other resources here is fantastic! We can all learn and grow together!
Thanks for your thoughtful reply – that’s interesting that you’ve had others come to you with an interest in poly. For me though, what’s stopping me is among other things, I have a transitory lifestyle and remaining faithful to the same group of people would not be possible. maintaining a relationship of any kind of hard work. I have casual encounters with different people (men), but I am not sure this counts as poly because I try not to see the same man more than twice. I can’t help thinking that a lot of time is consumed in a ‘traditional’ poly set up, as you’re not only trying to keep one person happy and cultivate their spiritual growth through love, togetherness and sex, but perhaps two or three! Maybe out of selfishness, it’s easier to go down the route of empty encounters, also as an unashamed embodiment of the mantra, “live in the moment”, which I do.
To clear something up for you if it helps: identifying or practicing polyamory simply means honoring your agreements and being honest and open within your relationships. That does not necessarily mean strictly “being faithful to the same group of people.” You could simply have two relationships on opposite sides of the globe. But what makes it polyamorous is that each one knows of the existence of the other one. And they each could also know that you have random sexual encounters as well. It’s just that you disclose to them if that is part of your agreements with those partners. Does that make sense? It’s more about the honesty, and the intent to live with integrity, and not hurt anyone by keeping secrets or lying. Before I met my husband, he was dating three women and would also have random encounters. He was practicing polyamory and not realizing it by simply telling each woman that he was sexual with about the other women as well – disclosing that. Then they got to make the informed choice to continue or not. You can very much “live in the moment” with polyamory. Relationships in polyamory can be as deep as you like them to be, or they can be more “friends with benefits,” as long as you care about the other’s overall well-being to be honest with them – and with yourself. 🙂
Heh… I shared that Myths and Facts article with my wife a few weeks ago. It’s great stuff. +1 on recommendations for it!
That’s awesome! I’m glad that the recommendation meets your seal of approval. It IS great stuff. Maybe I will add it to my “Articles” page.
Rock on! Kitty