Cheers Sexy People!
I wanted to first thank everyone in this awesome community for not only the lively conversation that sprung up over the last blog post, but the helpful words that you offered to the troubled questioner – and indeed to ANYONE dealing with the type of doubts or confusion that we all feel from time to time. We doubt our relationships, we wonder how to deal with “the haters,” and on and on. I don’t know some days what we would all do without each other – both in communities such as this (our wonderful poly-friendly / poly-curious community) and each of our own respective local communities, families and friends.
The lovely woman from South Asia had this to say to all of us in response to reading the blog post:
Thank you for your insights. Thank you for your blog post. Please thank your readers who commented there. Their words are energy to me. It is hard for me to explain it to you, but those words give me strength. Since I’m [now] working, I’m dealing with different people. I just can’t ignore a person who has a crude view because I have a job to do. I hope someday I’ll be able to ignore the words they let out from their mouth. I also hope my relationships with my lovers will last this lifetime. Thank you. Wishing you and your readers a very happy and joyous life.
So again, rock on, people, for your collective wisdom! I learned alot as well reading and responding to all of your comments. For me recently, I’ve been thinking an awful lot lately about the words and difference between empathy and sympathy, partly because of all of the crazy ass stuff I have been through over the past six or so years. Going through my own trials and tribulations (which includes navigating my poly life, deciding who and when to “come out” to friends and family, etc.) has helped me want to become a better and more empathetic friend to my loved ones. I know how it feels when I feel ignored, not heard or misunderstood. It ain’t fun and does not make relationships better, it can often times make them worse. But when you DO feel heard or understood, WOW some serious bonding and connection can happen. Right? We all want that!
I found this AWESOME short video that describes via a cute cartoon the difference between empathy and sympathy. I plan to keep this blog post short so that you will hopefully click the link and watch the vid. Then please feel free to comment and add your thoughts about what you think about it and the lessons that it teaches. When have you had to deal with people who may have had good sympathetic intentions, but you were left feeling… not heard, or kinda crappy, but couldn’t put your finger on why?
The intro says:
What is the best way to ease someone’s pain and suffering? In this beautifully animated RSA Short, Dr Brené Brown reminds us that we can only create a genuine empathic connection if we are brave enough to really get in touch with our own fragilities.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/12/what-makes-something-better-is-connection-viral-video/
I also have a brief announcement! Check this out!
I was invited to be a special guest on an Internet Radio Talk Show on Tuesday, February 24th, 8pm CST! Please feel free to listen in or to call in and speak with myself and anyone else on the panel there! I am very excited and grateful for the opportunity to participate.
Here is a link to the details!
https://www.facebook.com/events/375211462651294/?ref_dashboard_filter=calendar
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
Empathy is taking someone’s pain and suffering, and actually feeling it yourself. I have done this when using my hands and energy flows to help in healing someone. Often for a period of time afterwards, I am feeling that pain myself, until I am able to somehow shake it off. I am not quite sure how I do that. Empathy is not an easy thing to experience, but some people who are naturally empathetic, seem to have no choice except to feel what those around them are feeling, unless they just block all feeling. Of course different people are capable of feeling empathy to varying degrees from practically none, to sensory overload. Those who are in between are those who are able to choose how much empathy they are willing to feel. Just my thoughts.
My feeling is that empathy is something that one can “practice” like we practice any other skill. Empathy can take more effort than sympathy because emotionally, we have to try to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes to try to understand what they are feeling or going through. Some people have said to me, “I can’t empathize because I have never been through what you have been through.” But using this post as a teaching tool, that is not the case. We must be willing to “go there” for someone else to truly empathize with them. We have ALL been through difficult moments, or felt “overwhelmed, sad or confused. And sometimes, as the video says, simply saying, “I don’t know what to say. But I am glad that you told me this. [insert hug here]”… can go a loooonnnnggg way towards connection.
I absolutely agree with you that for most, it is something that can be practiced, if they are willing to do so. I do understand why some would say “Why should I practice empathy if it makes me feel pain that is not even mine?” My answer to them would be that it would help someone else feel better.
My answer would also be “Do you want to be a good friend? Do you want to help make the world a better place?” By truly understanding one another and letting each other feel heard, we all win. When I was in my 20s and more selfish and did not have a care in the world, I didn’t want to feel pain that wasn’t mine or fret too much about “negative stuff.” But now in my 40s and after having gone through my share of not-fun stuff, I truly do want to “be there” for other people and truly connect with them. It’s a beautiful thing.
Empathy is resonating, sympathy is commiserating – that’s the “simple” explanation I keep in my head. It’s, “Yeah, I feel you…” because you somehow can feel them and the other is, “I’m sorry you had to go through (add something here).” It’s imprecise but it gets the job done for me.
I think that when it comes to relationships – and maybe poly one even more since you’re quite intimate with a few folks at the same time – the line between empathy and sympathy can be blurred; you can feel sympathetic toward someone just as a matter of being polite and without actually “feeling” their pain or whatever. Likewise, you can have that emphatic feel for someone without the need for sympathy to hitch a ride. And not all feelings of empathy are about someone else’s pain; I kinda felt that being empathic makes one a receiver, like a radio antenna and pain, a very powerful emotion – is easier to pick up on.
Kinda crazy, huh?
Thanks as always for your insights on the topic at hand. Interesting way to look at it all. These are not totally easy concepts to grasp, so I appreciate the different perspective. The radio antenna analogy was great.
Empathy is simply the ability to understand and perhaps share the same feelings. It does not have to necessarily have to be the same scenario, but in relation to it. Sympathy can also go along the same lines, but also the feelings of pity can be thrown into the mix. “I feel sorry for you” is normally what people say to sympathize with someone, while “I get how you feel” is empathetic.
Whether or not in a relationship you want someone to feel sympathy or empathy towards you is your feeling on how you read their body language or verbal responses to you. It is also the want to be accepted and have a connection with on a personal level.
Not everyone is going to agree how one feels, nor should they have to. Many practice the “Not my circus, not my monkeys” mentality and that is OK. What they are saying is go ahead and do what you want, but leave me out of it and that should be respected. Just as simply being kind and respectful to someone’s life scenario choice is. WANTING and NEEDING sympathy and empathy in a relationship is always going to be a personal battle. But it is also a practice that should not be forced since people tend to put up a thick wall and will push you away further.
Acting kind, respectful and not forcing personal issues (on any end)tend to get you further in life vs. the “This is what I am! Got it? You have a problem with that?”(Let’s go picket about our rights!) Will raise the hackles on anyone. You just pushed something in their face they are uncomfortable with up front. While simply stating “Hey, I think differently and live differently than you, this is who I am. I’m still a good person and I want to maintain our friendship. Can we do that?” will get you a more positive go at life. If they say no.. hey, that friendship was not meant to be. Good friends will accept you no matter what. 🙂
This was very well-stated. I believe you are right that “pity” can be a negative by-product of sympathy. I think that is why it sometimes fuels disconnection, versus the connection of empathy. No one wants to be pitied or made to feel pathetic. I’ve never heard the “Not my circus, not my monkeys” phrase. That was interesting. 🙂
I love this:
“Acting kind, respectful and not forcing personal issues (on any end) tend to get you further in life vs. the “This is what I am! Got it? You have a problem with that?”
…and of course all of the words after that as well, in terms of the live and let live, and sometimes you do find out who your friends truly are. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here!