Cheers, Sexy People,
This upcoming weekend is my boyfriend’s birthday. And I am getting so very excited planning special, awesome, hopefully jaw-dropping activities to help celebrate another year that my other love is present on our spinning blue earth. Though I would love to tell you what I’m preparing, I don’t want any spoilers here in case he hears through the grapevine. (He actually does not read my blog, and after I reflected on that, I decided that is totally fine. He’s not really a blog reader in general, so why force him to be? It would be my ego that wants him to read these posts, and I am not here to control him or his actions. I can tell tales of my poly family here for all of you, without requiring an audience of my own family. My husband does read it though. LOL At least one of my loves does, and that’s enough for me. Hi, baby!)
I’d like to celebrate two things with today’s post, that are both worthy of cheering…
1) I successfully “came out” as polyamorous to yet another friend this past weekend. This particular friend used to be an employee of mine at my former job. I hired her when she was about 23 years old. Wow! So young! We became good friends while she worked for me, but we maintained that professional distance that you are supposed to maintain between a boss and an employee. We felt like beloved roommates to each other in a way, and enjoyed telling each other very strange stories from our lives that somehow overlapped or were similar. I think of her like a sister. She eventually left to enjoy motherhood in a more full-time manner, which I respected, though I feared the loss of her on my team (with good reason, she was sorely missed). She worked for me recently for my new company, which was grand!
This past weekend, she and some other close friends came over for our first game night. My husband and boyfriend were there (my husband on my team, my competitive boyfriend on the other team. Haha! There were many cries of “cheater, cheater” throughout the night which was quite hilarious and ironic, given that we are polyamorous). After everyone else had left, I got into a deep conversation with my friend where she offered up that she would always love me no matter what I did or how I engaged with my life or my relationships. Well, that seemed to be an open door if there ever was one! So I walked through it and explained that I am polyamorous (like many others, she was unfamiliar with the word), and that I live with my husband and my boyfriend (who was victorious with my friend as her teammate in our game night, thus she thought fondly of him. Haha!). She took the information like a champ, saying that she always knew I was “kinky” and a “swinger”, and that yes, she knew what “polyandry” was. I gently explained that being polyamorous does not mean that you are a “swinger”, and that polyamory and polyandry are two different things, with the latter being illegal in our country.
To clarify terms here, polyandry is a form of polygamy whereby a woman takes two or more husbands at the same time. Polyandry is contrasted with polygyny, involving one male and two or more females.
My friend and I continued our lovely conversation until way too early in the morning. But it was a much needed talk, and we felt much closer to each other as a result. Now that we don’t work together in an office where it is difficult to be so candid about our personal lives, I cherish that I can now share this aspect of my life with her, and open yet another mind just a bit more, paving the way for other poly folk to express themselves and not feel so “weird”. We are the polyamorists next door. And I’m proud of it.
2) My good friend Wry who lives in California recently let me know that he has created a YouTube channel where he shares polyamorous related videos, including interviews of himself and one of his close (and lovely) girlfriends. I am wicked proud of him, and his girlfriend aptly named “Wicked”. And I would like to share it with all of you here on Loving Without Boundaries so that you have another tool in your polyamorous toolkit.
Each poly family and configuration is different in how it approaches negotiating boundaries and agreements between the members, time management, and communication rituals. I really enjoyed watching this awesome video that Wry and his girlfriend put together where they discuss their own Communication Rituals, which happen to be very close to mine with my poly family. Check it out here:
Bookmark and check out at your leisure the rest of Wry’s YouTube Channel content here:
Way to go, Wry Man, you rock! I am so proud of what you are doing for the polyamorous community and the poly-curious, and those thinking of dipping their toe into open relationships. Again to state it here, not that there is anything wrong with monogamy. We just want people to know that there are other ethical choices out there that maybe some don’t know about. We are creating a loving and supportive community for those that may want to go “against the norm.”
What about you? What are your communication rituals in your poly unit? Or do you have any “coming out” stores to share? Do tell! It helps all of us!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too)
I don’t have a coming out story, per se, regarding being Poly because it is a work in progress. However, I do try my best expressing via my Facebook group, as well as talking to like wise open minded people we know, about the subject. I’ve read quite a bit this year than at any year since finally opening up about my love and enjoyment of all things sexuality.
What I do think that needs to be done is actually talking about all kinds of non-traditional relationships (e.g. open relationships, swinging, polyandry, etc.) to others. Getting it out there and discussing it must happen to allow people to show what is happening in our society. It also helps people to know that although we’re not “warring” against monogamy we’re showing other relationships are viable and reasonable too.
Of course people will do the standard “eww” and “gross” and “ick” gag responses when you talk about such relationships. But when you start sharing how love is not a static thing like water in a glass but can be boundless like a raging river or a churning ocean that can touch the shores of many then it doesn’t seem weird or strange. Traditional society wants to keep such love to a minimum because it has always been the way. Those open to Poly and other alternative relationships today are making such remarkable changes where they are not waiting for government or religion to catch up. Truthfully it is a good thing to me.
I don’t know if this is a start to “coming out” but at least it is a start to expand the boundaries of what love is all about.
Thank you so much for contributing to the conversation here. This comment is so wonderfully stated, I could not have said it better myself. I love this:
“…when you start sharing how love is not a static thing like water in a glass but can be boundless like a raging river or a churning ocean that can touch the shores of many, then it doesn’t seem weird or strange. Traditional society wants to keep such love to a minimum, because it has always been the way. Those open to Poly and other alternative relationships today are making such remarkable changes where they are not waiting for government or religion to catch up.”
Just lovely, and so true. Yes, just simply talking about it to help reduce the “strangeness” of it all in other’s eyes is definitely part of the process of reducing the stigma of alternative relationships. To love is natural and beautiful. To love “more” works for some people, so it’s good to keep the mind open to new ideas. Thank you for helping the cause in your part of the world and your local community. You rock!
Congratulations on another successful coming out. It is always a bit nerve wracking to take that leap, isn’t it? I’m sure we’ve all experienced both rejection where we didn’t expect it and loving acceptance where we equally weren’t expecting it. We get everything from people trying to fix it to people who already figured it out to people who are genuinely and compassionately curious.
I find it is getting easier as time goes by. Maybe that’s because there’s less and less risk. Most of the important people in my life are already in-the-know or have shown themselves to be untrustworthy and are no longer considered so important.
Ultimately, it helps us to remember that what someone thinks about our relationships is totally their issue and their baggage and has nothing to do with us. I saw an idea expressed on FB a few weeks ago that applies beautifully and now I wish I’d written it down. But it was something like this: “I’m sorry that you are uncomfortable with your feelings about my relationships, but that’s your problem.”
Thank you so much! Yes, over time, it does get at least a bit easier and easier. But just like you, part of the reason it is easier for me is there are simply less people to tell, and I’m surrounded by those that already know when I do it. So it feels like a supportive community that I have hand created – one mind blown at a time. Haha! It can be sad when we are surprised by those that turn out to be untrustworthy or unaccepting, but better to see someone’s true colors now and thus know how to proceed. Reality sets you free, I think.
Thanks for reminding us all that “what someone thinks about our relationships is totally their issue and their baggage and has nothing to do with us.” Remembering that helps in those awkward moments where “coming out” goes very wrong. It’s healthy to have a good response and attitude in hand when needed. Great contribution. Thank you, my friend! You are awesome.
It used to crack me up when our friends who didn’t know exactly what was going on when they’d see the three of us together would come to me and ask, “Yo, are you fucking both of them?” Yeah, trying to hide this special intimacy isn’t as easy as it seems because while ya might not say anything revealing, you’re still giving off signs that there’s something unusual going on.
They’d ask and I’d tell them, “Yep, I sure am!” and then try not to laugh at the stunned look on their face, which gets even better when they’d ask, “And your wife knows it?” and I say, “Of course she does – it was her idea in the first place…”
If I remember correctly, I think there was only one negative reaction when we’d let it be known that we were a poly family and that was fine – people are entitled to their opinions, after all, and just because they felt we were being sinful and all that doesn’t mean that the dynamic we were involved in was going to stop for one negative response. It would, however, make me remind them to never ask me a question they don’t want to hear the answer to.
I guess our best coming out experience is when we told our families and we expected all holy hell to break out… but it didn’t. They were surprisingly cool about it but they all did tell us, “I hope you know what you’re doing…” And since it lasted for over twenty years (and we added a fourth), I’d have to say that we did know what we were doing!
Yes, kdaddy23, it is so true that without even realizing it, we can send off vibes with our loved ones that show the world that we are intimate lovers. Even when I’m trying to be discreet, my intentions can be quite easily spotted. But why should I have to hide that I love someone and have a healthy intimate relationship with them, eh? So I try to hide less and less, and be more and more authentic.
I’m sure some of those “coming out” moments for you were hilarious. I would have loved to be a fly on the wall! Haha! Great point to remind others to not ask a question that they don’t really want to hear the answer to, especially if it will make them uncomfortable. But we don’t have to let THEM make US uncomfortable.
I think that’s funny that people said to you “I hope you know what you’re doing.” I find that we ALL are figuring out our own lives one day at at time. I don’t have some guidebook telling me what to do. I’m feeling my way through it! But I think a healthy relationship is a healthy relationship. If we are loving each other well, and not hurting each other, then relationships can last happily for years and years. I just happen to have two of them. 🙂
Thanks as always for your contribution here!
They never made us feel uncomfortable about our relationship… but we had no qualms about watching them squirm when they figured it out. We – collectively – have this notion about what constitutes a relationship and a healthy relationship and it’s always one man, one woman… and those of us who are poly (or have been) know that this just isn’t true.
We shocked a lot of people when we told them and they tried preaching to us about it and because of our love, bond, and commitment, that preaching fell on deaf ears.
When they’d say, “I hope you know what you’re doing.” my answer would be, “So do I…”
Hehe. It’s fun to watch people squirm. Why do some people feel the need to convince us or change our minds about something that we are already comfortable with and enjoy? I never really understood that. Your beliefs and things you enjoy are yours, and mine are just that. Live and let live. And be happy for me that I am happy.
That’s easy – they think we are doing things the wrong way!
Who made them judge and rule maker? Lol 🙂
A good question and I’d say that the very dead people who mandated monogamy were responsible… don’t get me started on this one!
The book Polyamory in the 21st Century has some great history analysis concerning that, if you’ve never read it.
I haven’t read it so I’ll see if can get my hands on it!