Cheers Sexy People,
Recently, a reader whom I’ve spoken to in the past asked for some advice. I thought I would share her situation here, my response, and put it out here on my blog in case anyone else has any wise words of advice from the polyamory trenches.
Situation: She (whom I’ll refer to as “the reader”) is in the early stages of exploring polyamory, and is at a growth / discovery juncture. Her husband is processing the fact that she and her boyfriend have progressed to the point of exchanging the “I love you”s. She says “this was a bit for him to process, but he was more upset about me not talking to him about it than the feelings themselves.” They had some very long, productive talks (yay!) discussing feelings and boundaries. And her husband found he was jealous of her relationship and “wants the same for himself, but has no idea how he would go about meeting like-minded women, let alone one that he would want to have a relationship with.”
Meanwhile, the reader’s boyfriend had a discussion with his wife where he also confided that he was in love with the reader. Though this is all open and up front, the wife was not happy about this. He went on to explain to his wife that “he can share his heart without it diminishing from her, that their marriage is his absolute priority and she will always be the most important woman in his life. But that he’s polyamorous, and that he believes it can work and be a really positive thing.” The reader is concerned that her boyfriend’s wife will exercise “veto power” and shut her out.
The reader says: “The struggle now is how [her boyfriend] can broach the subject of polyamory, introducing the concepts and frameworks of how this can work in practice, while [his wife] is overwhelmed with emotion. He’s planning on picking up a copy of The Ethical Slut, but are there other resources you might recommend?” However, the reader is concerned that “pushing literature might come across as selfishly-intentioned.”
A: Congratulations on your relationship with your boyfriend evolving. That’s very exciting and sounds great and healthy to me. And it sounds like you and your husband are keeping the communication lines open and giving each other time to process, which I think is so important.
I understand where everyone is coming from and it all makes perfect sense to me. It also sounds like a bunch of emotionally mature adults trying to wade through the water together all while trying not to hurt one another. Hurray for that! Sometimes people just need time to process, and also, change is hard. It can take some time to adjust.
Yes, I think getting a copy of The Ethical Slut is a great idea. I also really like the book Opening Up that is written quite specifically for opening up marriages and how to go about that. It’s an excellent read for all of you. I personally think doing research and educating yourselves (and there’s no reason you can’t ALL read those books, thus you are not pushing literature) is not only a great idea, I think it’s necessary. And people who want to embark on these types of relationships should do more of it! I actually studied, read and researched for literally years before we truly embarked on a polyamorous relationship. I did not want to wreck my marriage. I wanted to create something unique, loving and right for both of us, without hurting anyone. That is no small task, especially when there isn’t a whole lot of people doing it. Also, I think you should try to trust your partners that they will figure some things out on their own. Holding their hand and trying to guide them is good, but sometimes, people aren’t ready to learn things until THEY are ready, or they need to learn it in THEIR way. Trust them to do so.
Q: How do you introduce polyamory into a marriage or relationship at this stage of the game? Obviously one partner has to find a secondary relationship “first” – how does that impact the primary partner? Can they wrap their head around it? How can we be respectful and do this the ethical way?
I think a combination of LOTS and LOTS of respectful communicating, educating yourselves by reading articles, books and blogs on the topic, finding others to talk to and a supportive community (there are lots of forums on Facebook, btw) is a great place to start. As an example, in my marriage, I found my secondary “first”. My husband not only supported me, he dropped me off and picked me up from my first date to make sure that I was OK. And then he watched my relationship blossom, all while still cheerleading me. I made sure to check in with him a lot and give him a lot of attention during this time. That helped. But before any of this happened, we had spent years preparing for the possibility of that moment happening. So be patient with your loves during this journey.
As another example, I have a friend whose boyfriend is married to a polyamorous woman. She had boyfriends first before he ever found anyone. After some time, he decided he was ready to branch out. He put a profile on OKCupid and met my friend, and they quickly fell in love and have a blossoming relationship. People are ready when they are ready, and then sometimes things can happen quickly. Some is serendipity too, of course.
As far as “veto” power, there are many schools of thinking on that. I think it can be rather cruel. I was on the receiving end of a metamour in the past demanding that my boyfriend break up with me. It was not pretty. And it was hurtful. There is a difference since my boyfriend and I cannot marry since I am already married. But the hurt is the same. With my husband’s girlfriend, when she decided to get married, she told her fiancé “you have every right to tell me not to have sex with my {married] boyfriend, but NONE as far as us spending time together. He is one of my best friends. Deal with it.” (He did, btw, willingly). So arrangements can at least be made like that too. Ponder it perhaps. Maybe you can come up with a solution that will make everyone feel “safe.”
I also really love the book Nonviolent Communication and the 5 Love Languages, just in terms of having solid, healthy relationships, keeping communication lines open and loving one another well.
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Does anyone else out there in this fine community have any sage words of advice for my friend here? We have alot of great minds in the audience here. Feel free to share your thoughts and help your fellow poly-enthusiast.
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
Kitty, I loved all of your advice. I couldn’t have said it any better. The only thing that I would add is something that you touched on. You suggested giving his reluctant wife lots of attention during this time. I can’t emphasize enough how important is at this time. You shared that he has explained to her how his new love will have no adverse affects on their marriage and relationship. Now it is critical that he show her that is in fact true. New. Love can be exciting and it is easy to get lost in new relationship energy and unintentionally leave the established partner feeling slighted and unloved. Something I made a conscious effort to do when I fell in love with my poly partner, was to do and give equal effort, focus, and attention to my hubby. For example, if I made a special dinner for my new love during the week, I made sure to make one of my hubby’s favorites on another night. If I gave a little loving gift to my new love, I made sure to do something special for Hubby as well. If I made a loving phone call or text, I made sure to also express my love for hubby in some way too. Thiss conscious effort was only needed short term. Both relationships fell into sync fairly quickly. However, it was a critical part of making my relationship with hubby a priority during those early days! It does sound like this is a group of mature, loving folks heading in the right direction.
That’s also great advice about giving equal effort and attention AngelBarbie- I’m going to apply that, thanks 🙂
Right? 🙂
Excellent suggestion and great to emphasize that point, Angel Barbie. Thank you! Yes, that is a very wise thing to do, and in throws of NRE, we must remember to take extra care of our original partner so that they still feel loved. You should see me around Valentine’s day. I’m running around all over the place getting gifts, giving hugs and kisses and fawning over my two men to make sure they both feel special and loved by me as equally as possible. At one point, I thought I could add a third. But I realized that I could not. Giving the proper amount of attention to two men is alot of work! LOL 🙂
I think you should indeed all read Ethical Slut. And the morethantwo website has just released a book of the same name. Knowledge is defintely ‘power’. Self-reflection is also essential. And yes, honest communication plus Time… Time to process, time to express, time to be heard, time to be ready… I am waiting to open up my new relationship; my boyfriend has asked for three more months to process and get ready, then we will renegotiate… Everyone’s speed is their own (I’m pretty fast but he’s kinda slow), so be patient but firm about what you need. Good luck!
All fantastic points. I agree that knowledge is power! (yay, Schoolhouse Rocks! LOL) …and that self-reflection is paramount. Sometimes we must look deep inside to understand ourselves to get through troublesome moments with our loved ones. And this all takes time. Use it wisely and lovingly. Best of luck to you on opening up your relationship with your boyfriend! And as you go further down your path, if you would ever like to participate in a poly interview for this blog, do let me know. xoxo
Kitty
In the beginning, it can be difficult to approach this with ethics in mind because we tend to be more emotional about these things than logical. The hardest thing to do in this is being able to give yourself to another and convincing your partner that you can and will continue to be fully invested in your relationship with them. It’s not easy to be non-monogamous but if you are willing to relearn things about love, sex, and relationships – and keeping a positive attitude as well as awesome communication – it can be done and can be an adventure no one will regret.
Perfectly stated all around, as usual, kdaddy23. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I agree with all of it. There have been days on my poly journey where keeping a positive attitude was difficult. But I am getting better at it. We must remember that our partners DO have our best interests at heart, and believe in the love that you have for each other. Love is a beautiful and wondrous thing to be shared and celebrated. Have a great day and keep on being awesome!
Even when we embrace being poly, it’s hard to shed our monogamous behaviors, which are usually responsible for any, uh, issues with have with our attitude. We want to belong to many… but can’t seem to be able to fully escape that need to be with just one person because we still need that continuous source of attention, affection and, damned right, sexual intimacy; we also want to have that person to “fall back” on if our poly connections should break.
But it’s been my experience that just behaving in a poly way isn’t enough: We have to be able to think poly, too, and that means being able to engage our intelligence along with our emotions and finding a certain balance that will allow us to interact with all of our partners in this. And, sure, a lot of being poly isn’t about dealing with our poly partners: It’s dealing with ourselves.
Still, none of this is easy to do; it’s really hard to unlearn the stuff we’ve learned before we discovered poly. It’s not easy to get the poly ball rolling because of what we were taught about love, sex, and relationships; it’s not easy to manage things and more so if you don’t have much in the way of certain management skills as well as an ability to openly communicate and the ability to do it effectively.
We must accept that love will spread to everyone who’s associated with you in this. It feels “wrong” just as much as it feels right – we know full well what happens when we love and we guess wrong, don’t we? In this, we must learn to trust more, that it’s really okay to tell a poly partner that you love them even though you’re in love already which, again, is the whole reason for being poly and being free to love as well as being able to enjoy the intimacies being poly brings to the table – it just ain’t about the sex all the time. And even if this is why we’re poly, if we were to discount the fact that love can sneak up on us and bitch-slap us as only love can, well, we’re just fooling ourselves and, at least in my opinion, don’t really and fully understand the dynamics involved… and we must understand this in order to be successful and happy in this with all of our poly partners – and they must understand this as well and be willing to accept – and not deflect – that love will pay them a visit at some point.
It’s complicated even when you have your head in the right place because, at the end of the day, you’re still dealing with people who have minds of their own and their idea of what being engaged in this poly way means.
Thank you all for your comments. As the “reader” in this story, it’s great to hear we’re all on the right path. My boyfriend has been absolutely giving his wife a lot of love, attention, effort and focus. Like many of you commented, it will take time but he is showing her that his love for her is growing, not diminishing and that his love for me doesn’t need to negatively impact their relationship.
They are currently away on a much needed but long-time planned week-long vacation just the two of them. I’m not in communication with him while he has this time with her and I’m hoping that will help her confidence in their relationship and trust in him.
The good news is, his wife continues to consider our friendship critical and we have many family and group activities and get-togethers planned for their return – including me picking them up from the airport! This is a good sign to me that she is accepting of this relationship, and we’ll work on what my boyfriend and I’s one-on-one relationship looks like with time (something his wife is currently struggling with).
I haven’t lost hope for a win-win-win-win solution 🙂
It’s so great to hear from you, and I’m glad that you read all of the comments here. I was wondering how you were doing. That’s great that your boyfriend is taking great emotional care of his wife, with loving gestures, words and focus. Good man! It sounds like he is self-aware as well as very sensitive to his wife’s needs. Good on him. And a getaway sounds like a great idea too. Good for you that you are picking them up from the airport! What a great step in the right direction, helping to build trust and confidence in everyone’s well-being. Hopefully, over time your boyfriend’s wife will see that she and her loving relationship with her husband are not threatened, and she can see you as a supportive friend if all goes well. Fingers crossed for you! Keep us posted.
Let’s hear it for win-win-win solutions!
xoxo
Kitty