Cheers Sexy Peeps!
A comment just came in from a recent popular blog post of mine Why Do Polyamorous People Get Married? The comment is filled with pain and the commenter is seeking answers. I was about to write a reply in the comment section, but realized that the best way to serve this hurting individual was to dedicate an entire blog post to this person’s question. One of the reasons that I would like to do so is not only to more directly help others that may be dealing with a similar situation, but so that the polyamorous community can chime in here and also offer their advice and warm, supportive thoughts to this commenter.
Here is her dilemma and question:
Okay, I’m the weirdo here. Monogamous, married 21 years, recently polybombed by my spouse, two profoundly handicapped daughters who we both love dearly, divorce is not an option. I really don’t know what to do with the shattered pieces of my marriage. I love my husband and honestly believed we had a great relationship, great marriage. I thought we were happy and good together, and then I get his handed to me. He doesn’t want to lose what he has, but it isn’t enough to keep him happy. I guess I’m not good enough or exciting enough for him to want to be faithful to me. I’ve known some couples where one spouse can’t remain faithful, but the other still loves them and doesn’t want to leave. They’re humiliated, hurt and sad, but resigned to make the best of it. I always felt sorry for them, I just never imagined I’d be one of them. So now, I’m trying to find information on how to accept this and keep it from crushing me. How do I let him touch me knowing he’s just come from his other lovers? How do I handle knowing he’d rather spend time with his other lovers instead of staying home with the girls and me? Please don’t suggest I get my own outside lovers, I am monogamous to the core. I know none of this makes sense to people who are poly, but maybe you know someone like me who found a way to be okay. Any help would be appreciated.
First, I want to tell you how sorry I am that you find yourself in such a nasty, uncomfortable and hurtful situation. I feel for you and where you are finding yourself. And I also applaud you for having the strength to seek answers, and choose personal growth as a way out of your pain. It takes a certain type of person to do so, and it also takes courage and some healthy self-esteem. So please pat yourself on the back for your fortitude, and ability to take positive action. You go, girl!
Second, to address your question to the best of my ability, here are my thoughts:
- You are not a weirdo – We are all human, and there are many more monogamous people than there are polyamorous people here on earth. So WE are the “weird” ones if we must use that term. And everyone is welcome here at Loving Without Boundaries, as this is a supportive community. I am trying to create answers for people seeking them, and create awareness that we have choices. There is no right or wrong way to “do” relationships.
- I do not know the details of why your husband chose to have other lovers, or if he did this behind your back, thus was cheating and being unfaithful to you without your consent. I am guessing by your pain and your words that that is the case. But in terms of YOU feeling “not good enough or exciting enough for him to want to be faithful to you”, for truly polyamorous people who have the ability to love more than one person (and want to do it preferably ethically and “above board”), that fact that your husband desires and can love another does not take away from his love and desire for you. Love can be unlimited if we let it. Time is finite. Love is not. One metaphor that I like is love is not like a checking account, whereby loving more than one person, it takes away from the others. As an example, I love my husband and my boyfriend profoundly. My love for my boyfriend does not take away from the love that I have for my husband. It CAN work like that (that doesn’t mean that it always does, but it CAN). I would suggest that you have a lengthy, heartfelt discussion with your husband where you ask him some direct questions to help you find answers about where his head and heart is at. Two books I can suggest here are Non-Violent Communication (so that you can talk to your husband about painful issues productively without him feeling attacked), and I Need Your Love, Is That True. The latter is a game changer book that can help you reframe the way that you look at things, as well as help you work on your own emotion management, and your self-worth as you go through this process. Both books are listed under my book section here on the blog for your easy reference.
- My last suggestion is to find people like yourself going through the exact same thing, so that you both have a support group, and can find more answers to your burning questions around this issue. One group I can suggest is called “Mono/Poly – The New Game!” on FetLife. You can join fetlife.com anonymously if you wish, and join the group. Then you can read the discussions that are going on as well as start your own discussions to get feedback, answers and much needed support. Here is a description of the group:
This group is for mono people in relationships with poly partners, poly people in relationships with mono partners, individuals who identify as somewhere in between mono and poly, and allies, support professionals and other interested parties.
We are here to explore how mono folks and poly folks can have healthy relationships together, and how we can each understand our relational orientation or ways of relating more fully. This is a support group, and will be moderated as such. This is NOT a place to debate whether mono/poly can work. If you insist on your right to criticize our relationship style as unworkable, you will be banned mercilessly.
I am addressing the polyamorous community now: kindly chime in here if you have any words of wisdom or encouragement for our friend here. She needs your help. Please take a few moments to offer your support, especially if you have experience in this arena.
Commenter, I wish you much success with your marriage and this situation. I am sending you much love and support, and hope you find your way on your journey. I know and understand what it’s like to find yourself on a path that you did not foresee for yourself. You will get through it! Have faith!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
If you would like to have an authentic, clarifying conversation with me so we can discuss ways to help you create loving, happy, secure, and exciting open relationships, feel free to learn more about my coaching services here. Then the button at the bottom of that page will offer you the opportunity to book a FREE Breakthrough Session with me – taking you directly into my calendar. I look forward to speaking with you!
Reblogged this on The Watering Hole and commented:
While there is a lot of pain in this commenters words, it is an all too common experience for us to make other peoples stuff about us. I want to scream to this woman….WHETHER YOUR HUSBAND CHEATED, IS POLY, BISEXUAL, OR WHATEVER…ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!! Its about him. Please stop making it about you.
On the other hand, I feel her pain. Yes, we are impacted by the actions of others, but much of our pain is because of our own faulty belief systems and conditionings. There is no reason she can’t have a successful marriage with a polyamorous man, but, she has to do her portion of the work…as hard as that might be to hear. She has to own whether she is willing to take that on, and accept responsibility for her answer.
If he is a cheater, or some other version of assholery-ness, she needs to do what any self-respecting person would do….find out if he is willing to work with her for a mutually consensual and enjoyable relationship, and if not, make a decision to find that relationship elsewhere.
In spite of MY clearly agitated point of view…the writer from “Loving Without Bounds” does an amazing job of offering resources, support, and answers. I applaud her…
I would also hope that her husband is working at his relationship with her just as hard as he does the others. A poly relationship should never become a case of “I’d rather be around them than you.” It should be a case of trying to commit time to all parties (always difficult) and to showing each partner how much you care for them as an individual.
I definitely wouldn’t say just find your own partner. But I would say to talk to him about how you feel. If he loves you he will try to address your concerns in a reasonable manner. You may need to tell him that when he comes from his partners, you need him to not touch you until you’re ready for him to. You may need to ask him if he can help you get to a place where you don’t feel like it’s you vs his partners – that you don’t want to feel like it’s a competition for his love and time.
Other than that do some digging and try to find the exact reasons you feel the way you do. It could be deep down you feel betrayed and the two of you never took time to fully address that. It could be that you’re reeling from the sense of loneliness and lack that comes when the person you love is gone, especially when you’ve thought they would always be there with you. It may be that when he’s with you, the two off are so busy with house stuff and home life that you don’t get the quality time you need from him.
I urge you to pour alt this out to him and then ask for his help in getting past these feelings. It’s not easy but I feel that if he truly cares and wants you to be happy, this is something he will work diligently on.
While not poly, we are a swinger couple and a lot of the issues you describe are sometimes voiced by new couples into the Lifestyle. You’ve mentioned that you have two daughters with issues and possibly he just wants to sometimes be in a different relationship that gives him a chance to decompress. For swingers, we just basically get together for recreational sex and don’t consider ourselves cheating as our partners know where we are and who we’re with. If you both love each other, try to have a one on one talk with him and express your problems and ask him why he sees other people. Hopefully you can get together and resolve this, good luck.
“You’ve mentioned that you have two daughters with issues and possibly he just wants to sometimes be in a different relationship that gives him a chance to decompress.”
That is very much possible. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Our thoughts are with you.
I’m sorry that you are in a very complicated situation. Polyamorous life is not for everyone. In your situation you are, as you’ve described, polybomed.
You are seeking information on how to accept this. My question is can you accept this? As I understand you are a one man’s woman. That’s your right. That decision is made by your heart. I’m polyamorous. It’s my own decision. If it were NOT my decision it would be an abusive situation. Forcing yourself to accept it will be an abuse.
My ex-husband had relationships outside of the marriage. I was aware of those relationships. I’d accepted my situation. But I wasn’t happy. I had hard time letting him touch me. One day, finally, I stopped letting him touch me. Fortunately, in my case, someone came to my life. He was able to woo me greatly. We’ve fallen in love. For a different reason I’m now divorced. I can’t expect same thing will happen to you. You’ve made it perfectly clear that you are monogamous.
I suggest you to be honest to yourself. Discover what you want. Discover your limits. The resources Kitty, the blogger, mentioned here can be helpful to you. You probably have to make one or more difficult decisions. No matter what don’t force yourself to anything you are not or you don’t want.
I wish you the best of luck.
My husband and I of 25 years are closer to the swinger end of the spectrum than the polyamory end. We were (almost) monogamous for many years. By (almost) I mean there was some cheating long ago, that very nearly destroyed our marriage. Fortunately, we were able to work through that. It did lead us to discover that having more, for us, could be a good thing. That is what led us to explore the idea of swinging.
We do, however, enjoy close friendships with the people we have sex with, so it is not just recreational sex, and we are exploring the possibility of sharing our love with a female partner. This made us realize that maybe we weren’t strictly swingers. I am bisexual, and enjoy not just physical intimacy with a woman, but also the emotional bond, just as I do with a man. I just cannot get from my husband what I can get from woman.
It took us both many, many long, open, honest conversations to discover what works for us, and I know he will agree, we have never been happier or more committed to one another. And we continue to have open, honest communication about our needs. Your situation is different, but I think the same approach is needed. Open up to him, and ask him to open up to you about what each of you need.
Wow, I didn’t expect a response, let alone a whole blog post, but thank you.
1.) Writetomind, I didn’t think it possible to feel attacked and dismissed simultaneously, but I’m getting used to it from the majority of poly people I’ve talked with. Of course it’s not all about me, it’s about his needs and wants and desires, and forgive my inconvenient monogamistic needs and wants for getting in the way. Of course my pain is my own fault, if I could just be more poly, blah blah blah… Yeah, got it.
2.) He hasn’t cheated, but he has flirted with this woman and would really like to pursue something with her. She’s pretty much the anti-me, polished, professional, accomplished, funny, sexy, etc. I seriously doubt she’s ever left her house in sweats and a ponytail. They work in the same industry and their paths cross frequently on jobsites and conventions. Her ghost is always here now, when he tries to touch me, kiss me, make love to me, she’s right there. We had what I thought was a pretty good, satisfying sex life; fun and loving, just not crazy swinging from the chandeliers, neither one of us has that much energy. But it’s pretty much dwindled to nothing the last couple of months, mostly because of me. I just can’t get past the feeling of betrayal and knowing that soon, he’ll be having sex with someone else and won’t need me anymore.
3.) “You’ve mentioned that you have two daughters with issues and possibly he just wants to sometimes be in a different relationship that gives him a chance to decompress.”
I’m a homemaker and mom, his executive assistant (he’s a private consultant in oil and gas exploration), his travel agent, his accountant, on duty or on call 24/7/365 to him, the girls, his aging mom, my aging parents. He goes to work, gets out of the house, goes interesting places, meets interesting people, has gourmet meals he neither cooks nor cleans up. When he’s home, he golfs with friends, goes hunting during season, he claims when he’s home all he wants is to relax and be a homebody, hang with me and the Cute Chicks. I’m not sure what he needs to decompress from, but why can’t he do it with me? Or am I part of the burden he’s trying to escape by having a different relationship? PS. I’ve done all of this willingly and happily for the duration of our marriage, I haven’t felt there was anything to complain about, I was doing it for us and to make his life easier and happier. Now, I’m not even sure why anymore.
4.) Divorce isn’t an option for a multitude of reasons. So I’m stuck with this and having to figure out how to make the best of it. I’ll check out the books suggested, I’m also looking for a couples therapist who is poly neutral. I don’t need more people telling me “mono bad/poly good”, I need someone who can help me live with this change. As for my spouse, I’m not really sure what he’s doing. He’s all of a sudden pouring on the charm offensive. Flowers, cards, sexy texts, sweet texts, from 0 to 100 in a couple of weeks, and I simply don’t trust it. We went 19 years without him giving me flowers because we couldn’t afford it and I think it’s a monumental waste of money, but the house looks like someone died with all the flowers. I have to double check the sexy tweets to make sure they’re really meant for me. I know he’s feeling guilty and knows things are in serious trouble, so all the sudden effort feels fake to me. Like an effort to cover rather than a sincere expression of love. A what can I do to make this better so I can have my cake and eat it too, instead of a “I love you and want you to know”. I honestly would rather he just go do what he’s going to do. I can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t with him anymore. I don’t trust what he says or does because it’s all linked to him wanting something.
Sorry, didn’t mean to dump all this here. I do appreciate the advice offered.
Keep in mind that we are commenting based upon your side of the story without hearing from his side. Not to say that you’re wrong but just keep in mind that we are only reacting to what we hear from you.
In regards to him showering you with gifts and attention, unless you know different, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Accept the attention as being valid and possibly he has seen the error of his ways and is trying to make up for it. Remember the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence until you climb over the fence and get a mouthful.
I’m not trying to take his side but simply saying that maybe you should try to meet him halfway. As a guy we are always controlled by our little buddy, who is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. It’s like the old saying, “Why do men give their dick a name?” well “It’s because you would not want a total stranger to be making all your decisions for you.” It’s not an excuse but generally speaking a fact of life, that we are easily swayed by a short skirt. Unlike most women, we seldom think things through and can easily be swayed.
If things seem to be getting better, then take a breath and see how it works out. Hopefully he’s just realized that he fucked up and is trying to make amends.
Hi, I am in a similar situation as yours as I am also monogamous. I am sure all of these poly people are sincerely trying to help, but it is obvious they don’t understand our side of things just as much as we don’t understand theirs. I am still learning to adapt to our new poly/mono relationship and it has been every bit as painful as what you’ve described. However, things are beginning to get better and here’s our game changer. I finally got him to sit down with me (and another couple who understood our situation) and spent a long time discussing how we felt…about everything. We talked about our sex lives, our love lives, our wants, needs, desires, fantasies, what we loved about each other, what we could each do to help our relationship, and then we made an agreement that gave us each the best chance at happiness in this new relationship paradigm.
For us that meant that 1) he took a break from poly while we each focused on making our relationship as strong as possible. This meant that I stepped away from some of my other commitments as well. We focused on our family above all else until we both felt we were strong and united again. I can’t tell you how necessary this was for us.
2) When he did start looking for other partners he had to introduce them to me before anything when beyond casual dating. This was not the kind of meeting that is just a “hi, this is her and now you know” kind of meeting either. I got to have a in depth conversation with each one about what they were looking for, whether she understood we were committed to each other for life, how she excepted to be treated, what her relationship needs were etc.
3) I was give veto power over anyone I thought would be an unhealthy relationship. There are many poly people who claim this doesn’t work, but honestly I think it is a huge help in a poly/mono situation, but this is where we have a huge responsibility. I have to look deep inside myself and know that if I veto someone it is never out of fear or jealousy, but out of a genuine concern and love for my partner. So far, I have vetoed only one person and gave my partner the exact reason for it.
4) He had to practice as safe sex as could possibly be conceived by the two of us. This is something that has to be decided by an individual relationship, but for us it meant condoms being worn for all sexual acts including oral. Washing immediately after all sexual encounters, spermicides, dental dams etc. We probably go overboard, but this is something I needed in order to feel more comfortable.
5) We each have to talk with to each other about anything and everything that ever bothered, confused, concerned us in any way. He couldn’t know how I feel until I was open with him about it and vice versa. This provision makes it so that our communication is always open and in turn we know we will never belittle each others way of thinking or claim absolute right and wrong. We simply listen to each other, acknowledge what we heard, and work toward middle ground together.
8) When we are together, we are TOGETHER. We no longer waist time being wit each other without being truly present. Our technology (phones, computers, etc) is all turned off and we enjoy whatever we are doing. Even if that something is paying bills, we talk during those times, touch each other, we are truly with each other. This makes our time much more fulfilling and lightens my feelings of loss when he is away.
7) Finally, I have priority over his time. I don’t get all of it and I don’t ask him to cancel dates or sleepovers without it being an emergency, but he allocates more time for our relationship than outside ones, and if there is ever a true need on my part, he makes a conscious effort to be there for me. This is something that we included because we are married and our lives are joined to a greater degree than his other relationships.
This is just an example of what worked for us, and there are still many times when I feel worry, doubt, jealousy, etc, but because we have a system in place now, we are able to work through issues more easily. I am able to trust he is being open and honest with me and in turn I can be accepting of his choices. You have to figure out between you and your husband what works best for you, but it can be done if you both want to put in time and effort and a lot of it.
Hi, I am also somewhat in your situation. After nine years my husband and I decided that he could see another woman. 1 other woman, 1 other named woman.
I was scared, I have been monogamous my entire life and it was not easy to see the love of my life thinking about being with someone else. It has been 5 months and I can tell you a couple of things.
1) Yes it was hard, and it is hard to this day, I cry sometimes, I am happy more now than I was originally when he told me, but I still cry.
2) He has started buying me stuff, and really has become the man that I dated more than 9 years ago. He has become more emotional, telling me how much he cares about me, and just being sweeter. Your husband may appreciate you all the more because you have “agreed” to this. That is not a bad thing. And don’t think there is an ulterior motive, heck, there may be, or he just realized how amazing his wife is and how she needs to be spoiled more. I have heard from a lot of couples that this is typical, the gifts, the appreciation, etc.
3) One thing that I have realized is that communication is key, talk to him, be there for him, and let him know how you are feeling. He needs to understand that you aren’t going to be automatically okay.
4) Set Rules!!!!!!! and if he breaks them then tell them that it is over between him and anyone else. This isn’t an excuse to cheat, this is someone needing something more from their life. That is okay.
I started a blog that details exactly what I was going through. You could think about that.
It’s a tough situation to be in and more so when one firmly believes in monogamy… but there’s that… then there’s the reality life loves to hit us upside the head with, that one person – and no matter how much love and value there is to them – sometimes isn’t enough. It’s a terrible burden to put on someone, entrusting them to take care of your every need and, supposedly, regardless to what that need might be.
Then you kinda get into that difference between men and women – well, one of them, anyway: Our ability to compartmentalize sex from the love we feel for our partner. I’m not saying women can’t or don’t do it – that would be a lie all by itself – but for men, it’s easy for us to say, “Here’s my wife and partner and I love everything about her… but I wouldn’t mind getting some extra pussy on the side and, yeah, that doesn’t have anything to do with her, the way I feel about her or even my desire for her because it’s just sex…”
The hard truth is you either adapt to the situation – and while letting your thoughts and feelings be known – or you take your ball and go somewhere else. I know quite a few people in this exact situation and they’re still together and in love despite one being totally monogamous and the other ain’t quite so monogamous. A middle ground can be found, established, and built upon but only if both people want it that way; otherwise, you find the monogamous one in the position of beating a dead horse or thinking that there’s something wrong with them and, importantly, finding out how inflexible people can be about this and, yeah, how inflexible THEY can be to have their ideas shattered on the rocks of reality: Monogamy, while nice, isn’t the only answer.
The answer isn’t for this woman to go find lovers of her own, not if that’s not where her head is. I do think she needs to have a really serious conversation with her husband about how she feels and, really, where she stands in all of this… then she must decide if this is something she can learn to live with or if it’s time for her to go.
Tough choice. I know I got hit in the head with it many years ago and I had a choice: Pitch a bitch about it, maybe get a charge for domestic violence, lose my wife, my children and all my dreams… or learn to adapt and not only keep what I had but to make things better for us. It wasn’t a hard choice for me; I loved my ex-wife with a great deal of passion so it was easier for me to go along with the program – adapt – than it was to remove myself from the whole situation… but I love a challenge and, being honest, to leave was, in my mind, a clear sign that there was something I couldn’t deal with, that there was something that could force me to quit and say I failed.
Wasn’t trying to hear any of that; I don’t have much of an ego but I have enough to know I don’t like to fail and if I quit, it’s because I’ve exhausted every possibility I could think of.
But that was me and this woman just has to decide if this is something she can deal with, get her head around intelligently and even emotionally; if she can, fine – roll with it, make the best of the situation but if not, then it’s clear what must be done.
I don’t know how many times I have to say it, but divorce isn’t an option. Even in your case though, it failed as you stated “ex-wife” and not “wife”. That really isn’t reassuring that this can work out long term.
I really don’t understand how “wants” become “needs” in polyamory. Of course, no one gets everything they want in real life. It’s called reality. But suddenly, “wants” become “needs” (as in, “I’ll just DIE if I don’t get air, water, food, shelter and sex with everyone I want”), and it becomes far more important to get everything you want than to keep your promises.
So yeah, this is all on my shoulders. I’m the one who’s got to figure out how much I can give up and not go crazy. There is obviously something wrong, and it’s with me since I’ve been more than happily satisfied and in love with my husband. I’m lacking something he wants, so he feels compelled to get it elsewhere, and I’ve got to face it. Can I be happy being the domestic while he’s out romancing and falling in love with someone else? Not really, no. But like I said, I’m a realist and I know you don’t get everything you want in life. By staying, the girls are guaranteed a stable home, their father whom they adore and who is devoted to them, and I can continue with caring for the people I love without having to struggle to financially support us. Not ideal, but the best of the worst options.
What I’m seeking is resources in how to keep my sanity while my husband is out building a life with another woman. What do I tell my very verbal autistic daughter with no social filter when she asks where daddy is and why he’s not with us? I’ve never lied to her ever, but she’s observant and she doesn’t understand what shouldn’t be shared. The youngest is profoundly autistic and non-verbal, she just has meltdowns when her environment is disrupted; I can manage her care around this. How do I handle all this when I can’t even talk about it to friends or family, but have to actively participate in covering it up? How do I deal with the constant fear that his newest is going to be better than me and the girls and I are out the door? I feel like my only choice is to accept this, plaster a smile on my face, or get the boot. So yeah, it’s all up to me now.
You can be reassured; the marriage lasted 32 years despite how things developed and we parted ways because we felt we were done. It just isn’t easy to figure out how to deal with this and more so when children are involved and even I learned that there are no easy answer… but you’re compelled to come up with something that makes sense or something you can live with.
Is there something wrong? I’d say only your hubby knows he answer to this and so why not ask him and more so since your future and the future of your children might hang in the balance? Have you voiced your concerns with him at all? Is there a reason why there’s no communication about this taking place?
It’s been kind of hard to talk with his work schedule and all the things I have to manage, he’s been hard on the road domestically and several international trips since his confession. The few times we have talked, I was either in denial, deep pain, begging, bargaining, and completely incapable of asking anything other than “please don’t”. I’m still not clear on what I need to ask in order to gain some solid ground, I’m hoping therapy will help with that. It’s very hard to reconcile my “we have a great loving satisfying relationship” to my husband’s “I’m not happy, I need more”.
All of his communication back to me has been in the vein of “nothing has to change between us, there’s nothing you have to lose or give up in order for me to do this.” Hmmmm. I guess his fidelity, faithfulness, trustworthiness, devotion to us and our family, promises made. Nope, I’m not giving up a thing. I don’t know how to voice my fears and needs and wants (yeah, I too, have wants) in a way that he can’t just dismiss them as being “crazy”. He seems truly baffled about why I’m so hurt by this. And I’m baffled at how he can’t see how this hurts not just me, but us as a couple. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, you don’t seek the answers outside in someone else. That doesn’t strengthen anything but the new outside relationship, and in doing so, weakens the primary. (I just heard thousands of poly heads exploding at the use of “primary”. I’m sorry, but 21 years of building a family, life, business, future, etc. kind of feels primary.)
I’m praying if I can just find the right therapist, make the appointment, he’ll feel compelled to show up and actually LISTEN to me. I’m so tired of being dismissed, it’s the first step to being replaced. I know a lot of poly people who dismiss that as “oh well, all relationships have an expiration date, let it go”. My mono heart believes that true love isn’t a fairy tale, there is no such thing as “happily ever after” without some sweat. You don’t get “itchy” and just think “a new love is all I need”. You figure out what’s missing in your relationship and work to get it there. I personally think it’s BS that you can’t refresh a relationship without bringing in more people. It’s the lazy way to avoid the work and devotion a marriage requires.
I know he listens to this other woman, I get the “S says this,” and “S thinks we should…” I just want him to listen to me, his wife, as much as he listens to this woman who has nothing invested.
I will give this more thought and get back with you, ok?
How on earth can he say that things haven’t changed, or need to change, when he refuses to listen to you? And it is completely unfair that you have to go through this alone, which it seems like you’re doing. I hope that things have become easier the last couple of months.
While I do understand that you cannot get a divorce, my question to you is if you can live with sharing your man like that when you’re obviously mono and he obviously does not care enough to to take your feelings seriously to make this work out? Is it a viable option to stop being in a relationship whilst still being married?
I have been in relationships where I have changed myself in order to better suit my partner, and there is nothing I regret more than doing so.
That being said, if you still want to have a relationship with him, and just want “tools” to use in order to live with this, you really got to sit down and talk to him, again and again. Make him realise that this really needs to work out for your daughters’ sakes, and in order to do so, he needs to actually listen to you. That both of you need to put aside both of your needs to make this work out for your children. And tell him straight out that things will always be different, because you simply aren’t poly, and that you guys need to work out a way together that can work for the two of you.
A lot of poly’s get angry or upset when they hear people saying that it is selfish – well, in this case it absolutely is selfish, as he puts the needs of his own before the needs of his children by jeopardizing your relationship.
I wish you good luck, and my thoughts are with you. I really hope that you find a way to live while staying true to yourself without comprising too much and living a lie you can’t live with. You seem like a very strong individual, so I believe you can, if you can only get him to listen. xx
PS: I understand well why you don’t trust or take pleasures from the sudden explosion of gifts – if he isn’t willing to listen and expects you to find this totally ok without talking, what good are gifts?
Hun,
You are jumping to the worst possible situations, and trust me I did too. It isn’t about him banging every available woman out there. It is about him being with someone or some two people else. It is about you, but not in the way you think. Just because he wants to be with someone else doesn’t mean he loves you any less, or that he wants to be with you any less.
Just because he is banging someone (call it like it is) does not mean that he is going to fall in love with someone. I have been there, hell, part of me is still there, but here is one thing he always tells me. “I am not going to fall in love with her, I love you, you are my world, and you are my everything.”
KDaddy is right, many people, especially men are able to separate it a lot more than women can. That is not a bad thing, it is not a good thing, it is a thing, and it happens. It is okay.
I do think you should start slow. Watch Chatubate together, talk online in a message board with swingers, see what he is interested in and maybe that will sush out why he is interested in it.
If he wanted to love someone else he would have cheated and not told you. It is not an easy thing for a spouse to go to the one they love and say “I want to sleep with someone else” my husband took a long time and a lot of soul searching to bring it up.
I personally know the other woman, we are good friends, and I think that helped, she is married, her husband knows, and is okay with it, but she would never want to come between my husband and me. She respects us enough to not do that and she respects what him and I have built.
Interrupt this heated and most relevant thread to hereby nominate Kitty with The Bad Girl Bloggers Award. For your words, your open-mind, your courage, and all that you to articulate the infinite ways of non-monogamy, thank you!
WOOOOOWWWW! Holy crap! I don’t know what to say! But for now, THANK YOU! I actually about to play a gig tonite with my rock band, so I’ll have to revisit this when I have more time to properly dedicate to it. But wow again! I feel so honored!!!
xoxo
Kitty
You’re most welcome, Kitty! It took me a week to figure out my picks before facing the days-long challenge of cut/paste/center image.
I hope you had a great gig.
Hi, it’s been a while and I really wanted to check in, and thank all of you for your support and kind wishes. I had a phenomenally spectacular meltdown over Thanksgiving, 28 friends and family members, 4 days of house guests and meeting the woman my husband has an interest in. She’s everything I feared plus she’s nice. Yikes. Anyway, after succumbing physically to flu and mentally and emotionally to the stress, my husband took a month off travel, working from home, taking care of me and the girls, house chores, basically everything I’ve been doing for 2 decades. He was so sweet and kind and gentle and truly concerned about us. We started counseling when I got better, found a wonderful poly-neutral counselor who supports us both, and we started communicating. Deep discussions, all the things we didn’t think were necessary to talk about until this happened. At first, all of our discussions were in therapy until I could get strong enough and focused enough to do it on our own. Confessing my fears of abandonment, insecurity (he always saw me as this uber-competent, confident Force of Nature who feared no one and nothing), needs (I had to figure out what they were first) and despair over losing his love and devotion to another woman have been the hardest things I’ve ever done in our marriage. Forcing myself to remain open to him, trusting that what he says to me is the truth and not what he thinks he needs to say is still a challenge, but I work on it mindfully every day. Our love life is starting to improve as the trust and openness is restored, fits and starts, but he’s being very patient with me and I love him for it.
I still don’t know if or how I’m going to handle actually sharing him with other women, but we’re putting a tentative timeline of opening next year. In the meantime, both of us have a lot of work to do.
Thanks again for your kind support.
I just realized that I did not reply to the this comment, SO sorry for the delay… WOW! This was such an awesome “share” and check in! Thank you so much for telling us all of that! That is all INCREDIBLE, and I am so happy for you, your husband and your marriage. That took alot of bravery, strength and courage to do what you did… for you both go to counseling, put all of your cards on the table, and then learn better communication skills in the process to further strengthen your relationship. Kudos to you! Not everyone can go and do that type of work, either internally or with their significant other. And also kudos to your husband for stepping up the plate for his family and relationship when the chips were down! Such a great story! We are all so incredibly happy to be here to listen to you, and to support you and your efforts. Keep up the great work! I loved hearing you use the words “trust” and “mindfully”: two great words to focus on.
One day at a time. We will be here to hold your hand through it all, as long as you want us to. It is GREAT work that you are doing. 🙂 So proud of you!
xoxo Kitty
I posted my replies before I read this. I am so glad that you two are communicating, and take it at your pace, don’t let ANYONE tell you how fast you have to proceed. A lot of couples start with online play to see how they feel, others just jump into it. Don’t be afraid to stand your ground. My husband felt the same way about me being a force of nature and so when I broke down it was really hard on him, he thought that he was losing me.
*Hugs*
I am on the opposite side on this spectrum, I the Loving husband of 15 years was how did you put it polybombed over the summer. Still don’t know how to deal with it I love my wife very much but struggle knowing i am not enough for her, yes star ripping me apart now to poly world. I was trying to be open minded about the situation, hers started with just online flings with people over the summer that she was caught in, and through a wrench in our whole marriage. Man i thought our Marraige was perfect i fall more in love with her everyday, we have 3 wonderful children and had been doing great or so i thought. The Online affair coaugt me off guard thats when she dropped the POLYBOMB on me. The online thing was blown off as just words, and we agreed that we would try and find her someone she could connect with buit agreed that He would have to get along with me and the kids as well to work towards her ultimate goal of 2 husbands.We were looking and had talked with a couple of prospects none of whom were good enough for my Sara. She then though it would be easier to go behind my back and try and find someone she thought it would be less painful. I found out after 8 different people had been with her since November and it was the middle of February, wow what a shocker she had promised we would work together and find someone we could agree on. Now she says she hid it to try and not hurt me but all i can feel is her pulling more and more away. There is not enough time for me anymore its always texting or playing games online with her others, it kills me that she seems totaly different.
I have been struggling with not being enough for her but all i feel right now is that she is not going to be enough for me there no time to satisfy all my needs and desires when she is always thinking and texting with them.
Matt, I am so glad that you wrote here and shared with us. I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your predicament. That is very upsetting. Cheating, lying and going behind a loved one’s back is never OK. Please don’t feel badly for how hurt and betrayed you feel. You WERE betrayed! And your wife broke your agreements. Have you thought yet about finding a poly-friendly counselor or therapist to help you and your wife during this difficult time of transition, and to help you both work through the damage that has been created due to her infidelity and betrayal? You have every right to ask her to work with you in learning how to be honest with you, genuinely show you that she cares about your feelings, and learn to love one another in a way that is effective for BOTH of you. You know that, right? If not, I’m here to tell you. You should not have to struggle through this alone. Your needs are just as important as her needs. Please love yourself, and know your value, and what you bring to the table. This is not a one-way street. You know? Please let me / us know how you are fairing, and what you (and your wife) decide to do to fix and improve your marriage. Her polyamorous inclinations are understandable and OK IF she follows your agreements and looks out for you as she explores and all with your consent. It sounds like there is alot of learning and growing that still needs to happen here. Check in with us and feel free to ask for support. 🙂
xoxo
Kitty
Checking back in on this topic months later and just wanted to throw in one comment. Half of all marriages end in divorce for a number of reasons but I would guess infidelity would be on top of the list. I’m glad that you’ve found counseling but if both of you don’t want to change, you may have to bite the bullet and hand him his walking papers. You need to consider your mental health and it doesn’t help if it grinds you into the ground while trying to accept his poly friends when you have a different view.
Honestly I would have to say that I could not be poly and I don’t think wifey could either because of the inevitable emotional ties. In swinging you become closer to the couples you party with than family but there is still some distance there. One minute we might be fucking and the next discussing what movie to see. But we have never forced the other to accept our desires if they don’t align with our own. That is except when wifey refuses to share her girlfriends with me. LOL But at least I get to watch.
Thanks again for contributing your comments and thoughts here, as always. Very insightful, partly for me because I don’t consider myself a swinger, though that is probably how I started out. I take your point about if neither of them are willing to change, then that’s like banging one’s head against the wall for no good reason. But I read it more as they were working through things willingly, all while learning, growing and taking a time out. I think that is rather healthy. I suppose who knows where they will end up later – maybe there will be an impasse that cannot be crossed. But it sounded to me like they are not there yet. I agree with you certainly about not forcing others to accept our desires if they don’t align. Some of that comes back to knowing what your own individual values and needs are, and seeing where the common ground is. Or if the opposite is true: that there is perhaps an incompatibility, then one needs to face that.
Also, your last statement made me chuckle. Thanks for that! We can all laugh more in life! That’s for sure! 😉
I probably identify less with swingers than polyamorists, and really sex is where I’m hitting a wall. I understand loving more than one person; I love friends, family, my husband. I truly get the emotional aspect. I’ve just never understood casual sex. It is a deep, special, ONE OF A KIND relationship I have with my husband, a complete love emotional and physical. Golfing or going to Comicon things with other friends, even female friends, doesn’t bother me. Discussing sciency tecthnical stuff with friends, not a problem. Becoming emotionally involved, loving, supportive, as long as it doesn’t excessively interfere with our family, cool with me. But when the crosses that line and has sex with them, we no longer have a deep, special ONE OF A KIND relationship. It becomes one of a series. Nothing special, hey, he can have it all with someone else, as many someone else’s as the wants. So our relationship goes from being a Renoir to a Pier One print. And that really hurts and scares me. Every time I think of him coming home to me after having sex with a girlfriend, my heart breaks and I’m not even sure I can bear for him to touch me. I really fear that will be the end. And it will be my fault because I can’t get over it.
Any type of relationship straight, poly, or swinger or whatever needs a buy in and commitment from both parties and it appears that this isn’t happening. I don’t think any type of advice is going to help here besides putting a lock on his zipper and all that will do is drive him further away. Divorce is never out of the question and you have to weight the pain of living in a poly/mono relationship with the pain of living apart, where you may eventually find someone who shares your desire for a mono relationship.
As much as I hate to say it, if you two cannot move to a common ground that both of you will accept, then it would seem to me that this is just going to eventually drive you into the ground. The question is do you part now and start to heal yourself or part later when you are a bigger basket case?
People in a “good” poly or swinger relationship enjoy their lifestyle and it is not a sacrifice for either person. My wife and I party for similar but different reasons as I see it. For me it’s more of a sexual thing but wifey enjoys the social aspects more with sex as a side benefit. But the bottom line is that we both consider it fun and look forward to it. This is not what I see in this relationship.
But it is not fair for one person to force the other to endure a situation that only one of you enjoys.
I do sometimes wish I could be as blase’ about sex as everyone else seems to be. If I could just manage to not care that my husband is having sex with other women, I could probably survive this. And it’s definitely something he doesn’t understand either.
It’s kind of the Schroedinger Analogy of Sex; it’s both no big deal to have sex with other people and a very big deal; he’ll minimize the importance of having sex with others in regards to our relationship, but then stresses how important it is to have that expression with someone he may love. So really, which is it? If anyone can explain this, I’d really appreciate it.
I just know that sex is significantly important to me to the point I don’t want to share it with anyone else.
But all I see is you trying to work things out and until you both come together on this, it’s never going to change. I assume that he has no intention of modifying his behavior and so I cannot believe this will ever work out unless you accept the current situation. So as cruel as it may sound, I think you’re going to have to suck it up or leave.
Yeah, “suck it up” is very helpful. What I’m looking for is advice; how do I suck it up? how do I deal with feeling abandoned and rejected when the’s out with someone else? how do I deal with feeling replaced if/when the starts falling in love with someone?
And leaving is the absolute final option, since it deeply affects two people who have no say in the matter.
Make sure that you tell your husband how you are feeling, keep the lines of communication open. You don’t suck it up, you cry, you get upset, but tell your husband you need those reassurances.
The thing is, does he really want Poly, in all of its glory, or does he want “a free pass” to have sex with someone? My husband believes he can be Poly and loves his “lover” but only in a friend sense. He can’t be with her, she can’t be with him, and that is okay, they enjoy being physical but they also lead completely different lives.
To counter the rejected comment. My husband ONLY goes over to his lover’s house when I am asleep. So I don’t have those feelings, I know that he is going, and if they had sex he takes a shower getting home, but he is always there when I am going to bed and always there when I wake up. For me that really helps with those feelings. That and it doesn’t take away from our family time.
Great discussion! Thanks to everybody for sharing. When something ends – no matter what it is – it can be like a death. And like a death, we mourn for what was, for what will never be and for the emptiness that is suddenly there. Those stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining,depression and acceptance are as true for the death of a traditional marriage as for the death of anything else. Thanks hiswiserangel for your openness. Best to you – and sometimes the things you want the least help you grow the most.
Hey guys. I am a mono male and am having a tough time with something. I just found out that the woman I love has two other partners. Serious gut punch. This has challenged me greatly. She told me that she has had these non exclusive physical relationships on and off with these 2 men for a couple years, before she met me. She has engaged at least one of them sexually, “here and there”, while with me in the last several months. She said that her theory is that you can be in love with one person but still be with other people. At this point in my life (I’m 33 and she’s 29) what I want in a relationship is a meaningful, loving life partner who is exclusive with me that I can build a life and family with, that I can grow spiritually with. My father has been in the poly in his mono/poly relationship for 28 years with my step-mom so I know a little about this. I’ve been the shoulder she has cried on since my early 20’s. My partner says that she wants the same things in a relationship as I do, but needs more time before she will be ready for an exclusive relationship with
me. If I would have known this ahead of time (that she has these other partners) I would not have let us get to this point. We would have stayed best friends. I understand people have different wants and those wants are important, but so are mine. When I mentioned to her that I just might want to be friends she tells me that she loves me so much, that she wants a relationship with me forever, that our love is the most beautiful and truest love she has ever experienced, that she has never met anyone like me, wants children with me, that I am the only one she is in love with, and that she doesn’t want to lose me. She has been trying to convince me to wait for her and not to change the nature of our relationship. I believe every word that she is saying regarding those things. However, she has said that I am putting undue expectations on our love, that I just need to give her more time to figure things out and when she is ready we can be together exclusively. This dialogue started 5 days ago, the day after my birthday. I have been struggling mightily with this. Trying to figure out if I can do this. I’m a musician and I play a lot. I’m always in clubs and I get a lot of offers from women. I turned them all down, because I had zero desire for anyone but her, I was so in love… She has now told me that if I need to do so I should sleep with other women too (but not date them) and when she’s ready we can move on to exclusivity. I’m not a fool, I know that everyone is different and its not wrong or right to be any one way, just different. But sleeping with other women also poses a problem for me, beyond having no real desire to while I’m in love with someone else. Sex, for me, is connected to my emotional center. There is no, “turning off the emotions” or “it’s just sex” for me as an individual. Because of that I am very careful and selective about who I am with. It has to be about who someone is for me, not so much about how physically attractive they are. I’ve known many women I couldn’t consider sleeping with because I just didn’t like who they were as people. Now I know what loving someone unconditionally means. But to even do so means you have to love yourself that way too. Trust, understanding, acceptance, cooperation,allowing eachother freedom and being attentive to others needs are key elements all the while expecting nothing in return for giving that love. But just as important as it is to do those things for your lover, it is even more important to do those things for yourself. My partner has specific sexual and relational needs (apparently, I have no details about why this is happening or why she feels the need to do this because she is unsure herself) that she will not compromise nor should she. I do as well and those things are not congruent at this point. My question is, is it fair to me for her to make this request and to be upset at me for considering my own wants in the circumstance? If you are poly fine. I know lots of poly people and they’re awesome. I have been asked to participate by some of them. But I am not, I am a one woman man. I find those relationships so beautiful and fulfilling and I am content and satisfied in every way in them. I accept that this what she wants and have not asked her to end these relationship for she has the freedom to do as she wants. Its the sovereignty of being human. Is it not equally fair for her to let me go based on what I also want in a relationship? I have tried to change my feelings on this but have had little success. I hope this doesn’t appear selfish but what I want for my life is just as important as what she wants for hers, and being a mono man in a long term relationship with a poly woman just isn’t what I am looking for, and waiting for her for an undetermined amount of time to be ready for the kind of relationship I am interested in just doesn’t seem right or fair to me. I think I could if we were just friends but then there would be no gaurentee that I wouldn’t meet someone else with values more in line with my own while in that phase. If that happened, it might be me who wouldn’t be ready to return to our relationship when she decides that she is an I think that is what scares her. I think its a matter of what is important to her. Is having multiple sexual relationships more important and valuable than being with one person…does it fulfill a want that is higher on the list of personal priorities? I understand if that is true. The converse is what is true for me. Its going to break her heart but I am leaning towards requesting that we be friends and if she thinks one day that she is ready to be exclusive then perhaps we can revisit our relationship if I am still single. This hurts my heart very much…because I know it’s going to break hers. Neither one of us is getting out of this unscathed. Shattering…Any poly or mono peoples insights and experiences are encouraged and very welcome as part of me still might change my mind and give it a try…I just don’t see how this is fair to ask me to accept her relational philosophy and throw away my own…Thank you, anyone, who replies. I appreciate it.
Jey
You aren’t putting undue pressure on her. While relationships are all about compromise, if you are the only giving up anything then you aren’t compromising at all. She has deceived you. She wasn’t open and honest with you and that is a big deal. My situation sounds very similar to yours so I feel for you. If it is something you can handle, wait it out and see if she truly can be with just you one day. But in my opinion, she needs to be perfectly honest with you moving forward. Poly or mono is irrelevant when it comes to matters of deceit. You are the victim in this situation. Not her, honestly. Or if she is the victim of anything it is the circumstances she has created.
This sucks and I am sorry you are dealing with it. Truthfully, if he has never mentioned to you before that he is polygamous then he is probably just lying. Infidelity and polygamy are not the same thing. He wants his cake and to eat it too while you have to give your portion to someone else and get no cake at all.
So…. How does this work?
Granted, I am not an objective voice. I am in this situation now. My wife cheated on me and says she wants to be polygamous. I am have no interest in polygamy. I put a lot of time and effort into taking care of one woman and our two kids. I can’t handle anything else. It just sucks to know that by virtue of her being polygamous, or maybe just by me beingme, I am not enough. I am enough to be step daddy to two beautiful and wonderful girls. I am enough to work full time because she quite literally refuses to get a job. But I am not enough to satisfy her. She assures me she loves me and has something with me that no one else could give her but actions speak louder than words. Cheating on me with my friend is not love. That is lying and deceitful no matter which way you slice it and try to justify it. It just sucks to think I get to have all of the responsibility of a relationship without the full benefits of one. Some other guy/gal will get a portion of her time. Love may be infinite but time is definitely not.
So poly people, tell me how to make this work? Right now I am very bitter about the situation because I just found out about the cheating a couple of days ago and lost a friend and almost a lover.
I want to be with her and I want her to be happy. If that requires her living a poly life, I am desperately trying to come to terms with that and not picture some geurilla stuffing her face on a couch somewhere. I mean, she likes it when I do it so she’s gonna like it when another guy does.
But even more than that, how do I accept the intimacy with another man? The emotional side bothers me far more than the physical side. And to the commenter who said, “it isn’t about you!” A relationship is about both people. So it is just as much about her as it is him.
And to be fair, she has expressed her feelings with me about having multiple partners but it was always in the context of threesomes. The idea doesn’t appeal to me but I did agree on her going and “playing” with this one couple we know. I gave an inch and I feel like she took a mile.
We broke up. I couldn’t handle the idea of her being unhappy forever and I couldn’t handle the idea of me feeling the way I was forever. So I told her I would always love her but there was no way this would work. So now she can go live the polygamous life she wants and I’ll go live the monogamous life I want.
The fact is, she often felt distant and cold. And with one relationship already broken, I don’t see how you repair that and build other relationships at the same time. I don’t think she just wanted to love a bunch of people. She didn’t even act like she loved me or the girls very often. I think it was genuinely lust.
I don’t think polygamy is wrong. I am not so close minded to the idea that I can’t see why it would be appealing. But I am not polygamous and won’t be in a relationship that is.
I am sorry to hear that, but I can understand it. Especially if she was not making you the center of her world. I am positive you will find someone that cherishes you and only you.
In a poly FB group I help run, we have been discussing something similar. If I missed someone posting this link, I apologize. I’ve been doing some research for someone who is mono and married to a poly person. I love this information. There is even a portion on a mono response to the initial post. https://www.morethantwo.com/poly-mono.html
Just checking in. Again.
We’re still in therapy, found a poly-understanding therapist, and I’m working with my own on several personal issues of abandonment and the negative feelings I have about the sexual aspects. We did sit down and discuss in depth what he wanted and didn’t want and how he saw this working, how much time he wanted to devote to other relationships, etc. He’s still very focused on this one woman, isn’t much interested in actively going out to find other relationships, but wanted to be open to someone if they came into his life. This is partly good news in that he’s not just wanting to date every woman he meets, but it still feels kind of unsettled, like I’m always going to be worrying about what’s coming around the corner. I’m having a lot of trouble dealing with this woman. I don’t know if it’s because the feelings were there already and had grown so strong he felt he needed to confess, or what it is. I heard one of my husband’s co-workers refer to her as his “work wife” and it was like a knife to my heart.
My husband has been very patient, supportive and loving. I can’t fault him for that. But there is still that voice in the back of my head telling me he doesn’t really love me, he just doesn’t want to lose his comfortable home life while he chases after someone who’ll really make him happy. And yeah, I cry all the time, which I hate. I never used to cry. He’ll leave on a business trip, and I spend the next 2 hours bawling. He’ll be just a little late calling in, and I’ll immediately start fearing he’s with her and completely forgotten about me. And it sucks. I’ve gone from being a happy, confident, strong woman to a complete hot mess. We’re still tentatively looking at early next year. There’s a conference in FL that they’ll both be going to, and he’s wanting to explore the relationship with her then. For me, it’s like a countdown to the end. For him, it’s like a countdown to the beginning. I want him to be happy, I just want to be the woman that gives him that. And if the only way I can give him that is to step out of the way, then I guess that’s what I’ll do.
Still working,
I can see that these comments died about 5 years ago but I’m going through something similar and I just need to say something. I’m not posting this so much for the people above me but for the people out there like me. The people searching for hope and understanding but finding all these dead threads or these threads for monos told from the poly perspective. You’re not alone. My wife “polybombed” me about 3 weeks ago. I feel that I have no right to deny anyone the right to be themselves and am trying to make this work. I love my wife with all of my heart. We have 2 beautiful children. After a long time of feeling unsatisfied about our marriage and that something was missing, she stumbled across polyamory and found that she related…like hard. I can understand that. As people we discover more about who we are every day that we keep living. She was hesitant to tell me. She waited about a month because she was terrified I would freak out and divorce her. Keeping it to herself was triggering her anxiety attacks and almost caused her to go off the road while driving. She finally told me and I decided that I was not going to leave… immediately. Didn’t require a second thought. I love her. I married her because she was the one. That doesn’t mean I don’t hate it! I hate it!!!! I think that’s the first time I’ve put it into words. I’m willing to work on accepting it and learning to make this new life work but, right now I hate it! It hurts! I’m so ashamed of myself that none of her assurances that I’ve been a great husband seem to hit home. I know she means it but she’s shooting arrows of love at a target that’s nothing more than a sucking black hole right now. I am entitled to my pain. I am in a lot of pain. It’s intense, it’s hard, and it’s dark. Now if this leads you to think that she cheated on me, you’re wrong. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. I don’t want to show my wife just how much it hurts because I know it hurts her to see me in pain like this and I feel guilty for hurting her. If you’re reading this and your feeling it too, it’s okay to hurt like this. You’re going through the cycle of grief. Don’t let anyone fool you though. I’ve been through the whole cycle many times the past few weeks. This is a multifaceted issue and I’m expecting way more grief for every facet of it. Just when I’ve accepted one facet, another brings me to my knees in tears, hiding in the bathroom so my children don’t see it. It’s okay to hurt. Push forward. It’s not safe to wallow in it. I’m not okay right now and I’m not expecting my words to make anyone else feel okay. I just want you to know that you’re not alone. I’ve been through a bunch of these threads now and they all seem to peter off or lose sight of the point. The running theme I’ve seen is that it can get better, but the majority of people say that even years later they still feel that pain. Seems to me the best you can hope for is that the love balances it out. I can live with that. In all these threads I found what I needed. HOPE. Don’t give up yet. Don’t call it quits because you have no hope. People make this work. There’s a lot of people out there telling you to just bail. To hell with them. Now I’m honestly not on the other side of this thing yet but I’m holding on to hope. I’m hoping we can make this work. I’m hoping that I’ll come to accept this and find some form of peace. Talk to someone! If you’re not ready to talk to your wife, talk to someone else! I spoke to my command’s chaplain today (I’m military btw). It helped. He didn’t fully understand and gave me a disclaimer that he holds to the church’s stance on marriage. But he listened. He may not have understood polyamory but he understood my pain. That’s what I needed. If you’re reading this… I understand that you’re in pain. Keep moving forward. I’m reading through all these sites and learning more. The chaplain put me on to a book about love languages. I accept that she is poly and when we’re ready she will have other relationships but I’m determined to love her better. Not because I think it’ll keep her home but because she loves me and she deserves to have me put in the effort. It’s helping me.
Hi L, Just wanted to say thanks for posting that. I am feeling everything you are feeling right now and it’s incredibly hard every day, but helps to hear I’m not alone. Trying everything I can think of to make it work, but not knowing if it will.
I would be interested in an update or further advice/lessons you have if you are willing to share.
I’m struggling with this after my husband’s infidelity and subsequent demands for poly. He didn’t handle any of this properly and if he could go back and do it all differently, he would. We were non-monogamous before, then took a break from it. Then he cheated. Twice. I could be open to poly once trust is restored, but he wants to rush it. It’s so painful. He doesn’t see that unless he heals, he won’t do anyone any good in future relationships. I’m not the problem. Monogamy isn’t the problem. The way he deals with his wounds is the problem.
So painful on so many levels. I don’t know what to do. All of this hurts so much. I won’t enter poly under duress or before trust is restored. At some point, we may have to divorce so he can move at his own speed without continuing to pressure me. Divorce would be so hard – the absolute death of my dreams and plans.
Hello D. I truly feel the pain of your situation that you describe, and I honor your vulnerability in sharing here. What I know from helping many other people in similar situations is this: If you and your husband want to heal, want to re-build trust, are ready to commit to that process, and do the required work, a better and healthier future is possible. I do offer a free masterclass here on this website. If you would like to have a discussion with me to see how I can help you and your husband heal, repair and re-build, I invite you to then book a free breakthrough session. I have saved over 30+ marriages from divorce so far, and also helped 20+ well-intentioned people get out of toxic relationships and situations. There is help available for you and your husband as well if you are ready for positive change, and a proven solution. Sending love to you either way.