Cheers Sexy People!
I am a proud, polyamorous woman, but I have several times been asked: Why be married if you are in several relationships, possible acting as a free agent anyway? What’s the point of the marriage? Why bother?
The first time I was asked this, I admit I bristled and wanted to get a little defensive. But I also had to admit that it was an honest question. Why DO people in open relationships bother to get married? I saw this question come up recently in an online forum, so I thought I would dedicate an entire post to it here. As a point of interest, the poster was assuming that by getting married, both parties were saying they would be monogamous with each other and adultery would break the laws of the marriage. Thus how could she ever “trust” a married person who said they were polyamorous as they were in some ways breaking their vows to their spouse? Thus the poster deemed all married polyamorous / open relationship people as untrustworthy liars. I will address this below.
Speaking for myself, when I got married later in life (at 37), I had only dipped my toe into the possibility of an open relationship. My husband and I had attended a nudist resort together in Jamaica, very lightly fooled around with some new friends in the hot tub (who later became our very close friends and still are to this day), and generally had a fantastic experience (and we liked walking around naked for a week. How liberating!). My running joke is that a month later, he asked me to marry him. Coincidence? I think not. I think what my husband and I found in each other was an alternate way to “do” marriage. We both were former cheating serial monogamists, and we didn’t want the lies or deceit anymore. We wanted honesty, yet freedom, and authenticity. As we started planning our wedding, we were also planning our marriage. We thought: Why do we have to follow the rules that society seems to be imposing on us about how our marriage is supposed to work? Why can’t we make up the rules of our marriage amongst ourselves however we see fit? It’s a sacrament that we give to each other after all, so why can’t we make up our own vows that we are comfortable with, thus we don’t ever see us breaking them? So that’s exactly what we decided. And we created vows that worked for us, none of which included the “ole ball and chain – forsake all others” type of language. Our vows focused on promising to love each other and be there for each other for the rest of our lives… honor, love and protect ’til death do us part. And to this day, we have honored those vows and enjoyed every minute of it. Incidentally, in order to make this happen, we did not get married in a church (neither of us are overly religious), thus we also created a wedding ceremony that we were comfortable with (but it is still legally binding, etc).
It wasn’t until AFTER we were married for several years that we eventually identified as polyamorous / ethical non-monogamists. So for some, it can be a little bit of what came first, the chicken or the egg? In addition, just like any relationship, I personally don’t see why the agreements or “rules” of a relationship can’t change, be modified or negotiated over time. If both parties agree to the new “rules”, then what’s the problem? Change and being open to evolving is not only good and healthy, it’s mandatory as very little in this life stays exactly the same. Grow or die. Hopefully two people can grow together. That’s what I was banking on when I married my husband, and thankfully, we have done just that. Yay!
So here are more reasons why I chose to get married to break it down for you:
- Even during my monogamous life, I always knew that I wanted to get married for love, but only to the right man. That’s partly why I did not get married before 37. I tried on monogamous men and that type of life for size and it never felt right to me. I needed to find an open-minded man that would grow in the same direction I did. But I very much enjoy married life, having my “penguin” (in this case, my primary since we are legally bound to each other, share financial obligations, etc), and I like knowing that I have someone who has promised to grow old with me. It’s comforting. Call me silly. But I like it.
- There are many legal benefits to getting married. We share resources, decision making, mortgages responsibilities, etc. We know that if either one of us became incapacitated, we trust each other to both legally and ethically look out for the other. We each have Power Of Attorney to make decisions for our lives and well-being. And if one of us passes, it is legally efficient that the survivor easily and without question maintains control over any collective property etc. Also, life insurance policies are easy to understand and uphold with a married couple.
- I am on my husband’s health insurance policy. Even though we are married, just to get me on his plan, my husband had to show proof that we were married with our marriage certificate (maybe they wanted extra proof since I did not take my husband’s last name. I never really cared for that outdated tradition, as I am not my husband’s property. And well, I like my own last name! It’s from my daddy whom I adore!).
- People UNDERSTAND husband / wife relationships. We are easily recognized in society as a “couple”. People get it. Maybe it’s one way that I conform.
- The wedding ceremony was a helluva good time. Hey, what can I say, I love a party. Haha. And party we did, for an entire week at the beach. Then we had a two week honeymoon in Italy that was nothing short of amazing. Good times!
Where some of this becomes difficult in being a polyamorous married woman is that it thus is awkward trying to get others to recognize my relationship with my boyfriend as equally important to me. But that is the subject for other posts, including previous posts. For lack of a better term, “secondary” relationships are not understood easily by the average person in society. “What the heck is that? I don’t know what to ‘do‘ with that?” Even people that I have come out to, most of the time, they act as if my boyfriend does not exist. I think it makes them more comfortable. Some do on occasion ask me how he’s doing, but they often have a difficult time hiding the “we’re-just-asking-because-we-think-we-are-supposed-to-but-we-just-think-of-him-as-this-friend-that-you-live-with-because-that-makes-it-easier-for-us” type of look on their face. And you know what? That’s OK. They are trying. They are still my friends. And we are happy within our household, so we run with it. I also simply like that we can talk out loud about it (before the beginning of my open / poly life where I was “in the closet” as it were.)
So what about you? What are your reasons for being married, yet still having open relationships? What came first: The open relationship or the marriage? Why did you choose to NOT get married? Do you think you have it in your heart to “trust” a married person who says they are polyamorous after reading this post? If you are ever unsure, I think it is always a great idea to meet the spouse to ascertain for yourself whether everything is on the “up and up” if you have any doubts.
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
If you would like to have an authentic, clarifying conversation with me so we can discuss ways to help you create loving, happy, secure, and exciting open relationships, feel free to learn more about my coaching services here. Then the button at the bottom of that page will offer you the opportunity to book a FREE Breakthrough Session with me – taking you directly into my calendar. I look forward to speaking with you!
I’ve found that a lot of people get married first – because, you know, that’s one of the goals in life handed to us – and then they find out about open relationships, being poly, etc.. Some poly people get married after discovering the openness because, well, that’s one of the goals we’re handed and while they can still be open, poly, whatever floats their boat, it’s the ultimate commitment to themselves and it’s not unheard of poly people “marrying” each other to solidify their poly arrangement.
Some – maybe most – people believe that being married and poly shouldn’t work… yet it does. It’s not as much about breaking the rules as it is setting up the rules that will best make your marriage work… because it’s your marriage, right?
For me, the marriage came first and then it was just a natural progression to reach being poly – it seemed to be the logical thing to do.
kdaddy23, you always have the most helpful and wonderful things to say and to add to this blog and the conversation. And I thank you so much for that! You are the best! Yes, I was in the first camp, but deem either approach perfectly great if it works for those involved in the partnership. So true, my poly married life works for me though many don’t understand it, and believe that it should NOT work. I even had a friend shout at me once when I described it “THAT’S not how it works!” Haha. Yes it does work. Well said. Yes, it is my marriage and we get to decide how it works. You and I followed a similar path.
You honor me by allowing me to put my two cents in so thank you for that. See, there’s what people think they know about being poly and even being poly and married before or after going poly – and then there’s the real deal behind it all and, honestly, if you’ve never done it, you couldn’t possibly understand how totally complicated this situation can be.
They don’t understand that to be poly and not just open means you have to be able to redefine what a relationship means and that when you’re poly and adding new partners to your base relationship, it all depends on whether it can be agreed that everyone’s needs can be met, like wanting to have children with poly partners, growing old with them, stuff like that.
If everyone agrees on these things, then it’s up to them to make it happen and make it work which, of course, you know is way harder than making a “normal” marriage work. People just assume it’s not supposed to work because – and I hate to say it – they don’t have what it takes to see how it can and does work.
Monogamous marriage carries some heavy implications but reality says that a married couple is wholly responsible to make their marriage the best it can be… FOR THEMSELVES and not as much to the idea of being married. So if, say, your idea of a better marriage is for you and your husband to go the poly route so that both of you can get the things that being monogamous just cannot provide, why the hell not, right? Your lives, your decision, your responsibility, and if you never try to do it, then you won’t know if you can.
I found that being married before reaching the heights of being poly actually helped us get there – it gave us experience dealing with each other and then, we we moved to being open, dealing with other people who were involved with us; that experience made it possible for us to create our closed poly relationship and I’m telling you (and everyone) that as the sole guy in a poly relationship with three women, it was just like being married to all three of them and, of course, it was my job to make all of them happy and to fulfill their wants and needs to the best of my ability and, yeah, that included having babies with them if they could still have them (which they couldn’t but we still loved trying). I believe, Sexy, that had I not been married first, I couldn’t have managed the poly relationship for the 20+ years I managed it.
You can start out poly and in an open group setting but still decide to marry someone because I just think it’s best to have that base relationship, the one you know isn’t going anywhere even if the poly group happens to fall apart. Marriage is a commitment to someone or, in this case, more than one person and even if [legally] you can only be married to one person, that doesn’t mean that you cannot treat your poly relationship as if everyone was married to each other, does it? It’s the commitment – the spirit of the law – and not so much the letter of the law – keep only unto yourself.
Christ, I was preaching again – sorry about that, Sexy!
You are of course so welcome, kdaddy23. Maybe we should co-write a book together someday. Crazier things have happened. 🙂
I agree with you that I feel that being and acting polyamorous can partly be one big fat negotiation about needs getting met. We are only human and we can only spread ourselves so thin. It’s alot of time management, emotion management and needs management really. My marriage (poly and somewhat open) can and does work. We would not have it any other way. And we could never go back to being monogamous. It just isn’t us. We are former cheaters that don’t want to cheat anymore with each other or with anyone else either. It just sucks to cheat. Own who you are. I loved where you said: “Your lives, your decision, your responsibility, and if you never try to do it, you won’t know if you can.” That’s exactly how we feel. And we own it. We would like to have other’s support, but if we don’t, so be it. And I am impressed that you were able to keep three women happy for some time. That is no small feat! Haha. I believe in my partner’s having other partners if they so desire. But sometimes they don’t desire it. And that can be a lot of pressure.
I like what you said about a base relationship. I cannot legally marry my boyfriend, and he is not interested in a hand-fasting type of ceremony. But we have made a promise to “not go anywhere” to each other, and I believe that we have what it takes to have a long-term commitment. It’s like a promise that we make to each other every day since we do not have the bonds of marriage to tie us together. It’s a little like “flying without a net”, but I’m game. I love him with all my heart. Yes, as you said, it is simply the commitment that we make to each other. The “spirit of the law”, I like that.
Your words are always welcome here. Never preaching. Don’t worry about that. You have great experience and a great way of explaining things. I applaud you!
Great post kitty! I too am a polyamorous married woman! My sweet hubby and I have had an open relationship most of our 14 years together. We were both in previous marriages where there was lying, cheating, and great broken trust. When we decided to get married, neither of us desired to ever experience that kind of hurt again. We have evolved over the years and tweaked the rules as we have grown. We began with just play partners, friends with benefits kind of relationships. Now I identify as polyamorous and have a long term relationship with my poly partner who has grown to have an equally important emotional status as my hubby does! I do not live with my partner but I do spend great amounts of time with him and always have access to him when I need it. I like also like the idea of marriage in ways very similar to what kitty shared. Also, when I married, I was a single mom of two young children and wanted and needed a “family” to raise them in. At that point I was still very much into conforming at least on the outside to what “normal” societal values. (NOT so much anymore! Heheheh)
As far as trusting a married poly person, that is something that would very much depend on the person. I would insist on knowing for sure that the relationship was ethical and his spouse really was ok with the notion of “poly”. I never want to be the hidden other woman.
Thanks, angelbarbie, I do my best! It seems this post is getting alot of traction. 14 years of success at a poly relationship is impressive! My previous relationships in my past had lying, cheating and broken trust and I was the perpetrator! I have learned better ways to have loving, compassionate relationships since then, and I am so much happier! We tweak the rules as we go too, but mostly our rules are: love and respect each other, be open and honest, and try not to hurt anyone’s feelings. Works for us. My boyfriend has grown to have a highly important emotional status very similar in some ways to my husband as well, including living with us. It is very rewarding. Conforming to society definitely has a large hold on who we are if we let it. It takes courage and fortitude to work against that tide, so congrats to you. I’m proud of you! I agree that when entering a new relationship with a polyamorous person that you do not know, meeting the spouse and making sure it is on the “up and up” is a great tactic.
I and him we both want a child. Given the circumstances around us “normal” family is the best option to raise a child. This is the prime reason we are getting married. The other reasons are benefits only married couple can receive.
I hear you. When my husband and I married, we assumed that we would probably start a family someday and being married certainly makes it easier to parent a child. However, becoming parents was not in the cards for us. And we are finally OK with that. I wish you much success and luck in your upcoming marriage and in hopefully enjoying parenting a child together. Sending good thoughts and good vibes your way!
I wonder how it feels to be a “secondary” person in a relationship – not having the committment to become old together, not sharing the home and everyday life, perhaps not getting children together. If this love is just as important as the love for the husband, is this relation fair?
Your comment, Elling, assumes that a secondary person in a relationship couldn’t share the commitment, the everyday home life, or children – that’s not wholly true because some folks who are poly do, indeed, go about it in a family setting; not all poly people are single and in the market for multiple lovers alone. Now, if the secondary person is really on board with the poly grouping, they’ll feel just fine because they’d understand the dynamics of the whole relationship. Sure, purely human feelings can come into play but that’s why the folks in the relationship rely on each other to make things right as a group and not let any one member find themselves hanging in the wind. And, yes, if you’re not in a poly frame of mind, it can all feel pretty weird when you’ve been used to one-on-one relationships in the past.
The key to being a secondary or even tertiary (or quaternary) person in a poly setting is in what it is they want from the relationship. They have to decide if being a part of the poly group is going to fulfill their needs and, of course, the poly group has to state whether or not they can, in fact, can or even want to fulfill those needs.
On the surface, it doesn’t appear to be fair to the “outsider” but if the love they share is, indeed, important to one and all, then there’s no question of fairness.
Other other thought for our charming author: Poly people get married because even poly people have that “natural” instinct to want to really and seriously belong to just one person – their rock or foundation, if you will, that will keep providing the love and other things if the expanding poly relationship survives or fails.
Poly is a great way to be but poly and married is, oddly, better.
Perfectly awesome response, kdaddy23! Thanks, as usual. As you suggested, my boyfriend feels just fine, even more than fine in our poly grouping, though he is not my husband. He knows how deeply committed I am to him and our relationship. Whenever someone feels awkward or “hanging in the wind”, we have a heart to heart and get back on the same page, and offer reassurances to each other if we need to. And yes, it has taken years and years of baby steps, personal growth and learning to go from one-on-one only monogamous relationships to understanding how to do poly relationships well. It’s been quite a journey.
The concept of “is everyone getting their needs met” is paramount as well. In the end, often that is the crux of good, healthy relationships: does it feel fair and balanced, and like everyone not only enjoys each other’s company, but is sufficiently getting their needs met.
Thanks for calling me “charming” LOL – that made me smile. 🙂 Indeed, I do enjoy being married, and having that “rock”, that “death to us part” partner. And it is comforting when my other relationships are having bad days or I fear for their longevity. I know I am a very lucky girl. I definitely personally enjoy being poly and married.
I know that meeting needs in a monogamous relationship isn’t exactly impossible – but it’s close to it because no one person can fulfill ALL of their partner’s wants, needs, and desires. A lot of relationships fail because monogamy doesn’t allow any freedom in this but somewhere along the line, you get to a point where you’ve pretty much done all you can do with and for each other – and now it’s time to call in some outside help in order to keep the relationship alive.
Even people who are open make the mistake of applying monogamy’s rules to a situation where those rules cannot work; it’s like mixing oil and water but unless you know how to make an emulsion, you’re shit is gonna separate and never come together.
You gotta be able to think and work outside of the box – way outside the box and Elling’s comment was a good one but one, I felt, was from the position that it couldn’t be done or maybe shouldn’t be done because a secondary (or whatever) person couldn’t possibly ask for and get the same environment that a monogamous marriage provides – and that’s just not the truth because I know they can.
I agree with you whole-heartedly that no one person can meet all of our needs, even in a desired monogamous relationship. It’s just too much pressure on someone and unrealistic. There is only so much that we can all do to keep a relationship “fresh” which is of course still very important too. Great analogy with the oil and water. Yes, I do feel that sometimes people put limits on both themselves and how they can “do” love, whether love with multiple people or not. Sometimes we have to break through the barriers in our mind to realize the potential of our lives. I agree that quality, real, fantastic relationships with those we call “secondary” or similar is possible. We are living proof.
Hi Elling. Thanks for contributing here. I am often concerned how my boyfriend feels as the “secondary”. And I spend a great deal of time and effort in making sure that he knows how much I care about him, and how important he is to myself and my poly family. In my heart, I DO have the commitment to become old together – unfortunately it is simply not as recognized by society, and we do not have the legal bonds of marriage to tie us together in that way. But we are tied together via the strength of our love, and our desire to be in each other’s lives. We actually do share a home together, but not everyone is as fortunate that way as we are. But we did not share a home for the first 2.5 years of our relationship. Yet we still were very much in love and in each other’s lives. My boyfriend very much feels that our relationship is “fair”, every single day. I make sure he does, and we trust each other to be in each other’s lives in a very important way, which is PARAMOUNT.
Great post! 🙂 My husband and I both knew we wanted open relationships when we met and didn’t get married for about ten years. We fell in love and had the intention and hope to be in each other’s lives forever after we’d known each other for about a month, and committed to each other to co-parent an unplanned pregnancy as well. We wrote up our own living together contract and co-parenting agreement. Things went fast, and very well, as we are highly compatible for love and life paths together. Our child is an awesome adult now and we have terrific relationships with him.
It’s been over 26 years since the hubs and I met and we’re still blissed out with each other, actually moreso.. romantically, sexually, friendship-wise, as life partners, and more. That said, our marriage is only a legality and financial convenience to us (as well as health care convenience). We did not get married for love… although we love each other deeply and have a very romantic relationship. Our relationship and love and intention for longevity and romance have absolutely nothing to do with our marriage.
As a result I often don’t offer up the info that I’m married to people I don’t know well, but do tell them what relationships I’m in. There are pros and cons to being married: pros were discussed in the article quite well, as well as some of the cons. The main con has to do with our relationship not fitting what most people assume due to the marriage… in monogamous circles and even in polyamorous ones. We are more in the “relationship anarchy” sort of range, where there is no automatic hierarchy or priority of my relationships with people, no primary/secondary and such, even though we are legally married, than any other labeled model.
We both hope to find others who are as compatible to live our live paths with at some point as we are with each other, however I would still want to keep the option to have other relationships to everyone. As it is, we have found love and awesome long-term relationships with others that are highly compatible in some ways, just not as compatible for living our life paths together in the same way. Perhaps someday those relationships will develop into that or we will meet others where it works in that way too.
Hierarchies and static prioritizing of my relationships with people just doesn’t work for me. I cannot pick one relationship over another based on some sort of status, or adjust a relationship based on anything or anyone outside of that relationship itself. Doing so sacrifices the relationship I have with myself, and then I’m not at peace with myself, I become unstable, and all my relationships suffer.
I do prioritize at times, however that is based on weighing and considering all the current circumstances, needs, and desires of everyone and everything involved and/or affected… and the choice I make is based on being true to myself in the end, what I can live with having chosen most. So in a sense I do prioritize one relationship above all others: the relationship with myself. I am my own primary, all other relationships are secondary.
However you want to label it, the intention of all my relationships is for longevity and for life, and letting them be what they can be so we can enjoy each other as much as possible for as long as possible. They all are important to me, whether they are romantic and/or sexual at all. I’ve always had trouble picking a favorite of anything when asked, and it carries over to people as well.
Wow, what a great addition to this posting. Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful addition, and explaining how your polyamorous relationships and marriage work for you. As we all know, there is no wrong way to do poly, and it is fascinating and helpful to hear how other’s do it.
If you google “solo poly”, if you desire you will find a bunch of great blogs who have similar ideas to being your own primary as you do. Most of them are not married, but the thinking is still similar if you are looking to increase your community.
I hope to hear more from you as I continue to write this blog! Very insightful and interesting thoughts you have. (say like “Yoda” haha)
Awesome! Have a great week!
My husband and I had an open relationship before we met and have continued it. We married for many of the reasons you list: primarily because we share ownership of a home and finances, and I needed his health insurance! We love being married and are glad we did it.
Thank you so much for contributing “pinpa.” I am so glad that your open relationship and marriage has been working out for you. The perks of being married are great. I do wish more people had the opportunity to have those same perks if they wanted them and found a mate(s). And that’s great that you wrote your own vows and had a great wedding! Good for you! I’m so happy for you! Great memories, eh?
Oh! And we also wrote our vows and married ourselves (legal in PA where we live). Our wedding was a helluva a party too!
Okay, I’m the weirdo here. Monogamous, married 21 years, recently polybombed by my spouse, two profoundly handicapped daughters who we both love dearly, divorce is not an option. I really don’t know what to do with the shattered pieces of my marriage. I love my husband and honestly believed we had a great relationship, great marriage. I thought we were happy and good together, and then I get his handed to me. He doesn’t want to lose what he has, but it isn’t enough to keep him happy. I guess I’m not good enough or exciting enough for him to want to be faithful to me. I’ve known some couples where one spouse can’t remain faithful, but the other still loves them and doesn’t want to leave. They’re humiliated, hurt and sad, but resigned to make the best of it. I always felt sorry for them, I just never imagined I’d be one of them. So now, I’m trying to find information on how to accept this and keep it from crushing me. How do I let him touch me knowing he’s just come from his other lovers? How do I handle knowing he’d rather spend time with his other lovers instead of staying home with the girls and me? Please don’t suggest I get my own outside lovers, I am monogamous to the core. I know none of this makes sense to people who are poly, but maybe you know someone like me who found a way to be okay. Any help would be appreciated.
I thank you so much for your question. I am going to dedicate a blog post to your question, so that the poly community can chime in and help also. Please stay tuned here, and know that there is support out there for you and that you are not alone. Much love to you!
Here is a link to the blog post that I dedicated to your question. I also listed it on all of the “poly forums” I can find on Facebook. You can look for answers and support from folks there too. Good luck on your quest, and I wish you much success with your marriage!
I have too many friends, family and community people who can see my FB, so I don’t feel comfortable joining a poly Facebook forum. Spouse is very private in general, but absolutely adamant about not talking about this to anyone we know. It’s kind of isolating, but I understand. I do appreciate the book recommendations. I have Ethical Slut and Opening Up on my Kindle, but both are more for people who are already poly. There aren’t many resources for monogamous partners that are written by monogamous partners. We really do have a different mindset and it’s like talking to someone from a different planet. What’s really difficult is going from being so in synch for so long to being complete polar opposites. Waking up and realizing the person next to you is a complete stranger, but still having deep feelings of love and devotion. I want to believe my love for him will be enough, but I don’t know, and I’m afraid I’m about to lose everything.
If it helps, any Facebook group you join that is secret can’t be seen by your Facebook friends. Also a number of people in the poly groups I frequent create a second “alias” account to participate in the forums. I really think connecting with others in your situation online may really help you not to feel so alone.
Thanks! I’m really new to FB and not really clear how it all works, took me forever to set up the account I have. And I just know his aunt the nun would have a coronary if she saw anything about this on my FB feed. I’m not exactly cherished by my in-laws, and they’d find a way to blame this on me. Not that there’s anything to “blame”, but they wouldn’t see it that way.
I have been raised to believe that monogamy is the only ethical setting for sex, and that is how I and my wife live. But I have developed my opnions. I will condemn no form of sex as unethical, as long as it is consensual and no one get hurt. I also do believe that you can really love more than one person. I think polyamory is possible and can be right for some people.
Can the situation hiswiserangel describes, be decribed as polyamory, when the wife so obviously is hurt by what is happening? Is not polyamory about everyone involved beeing informed and OK with the situation?
I would call this cheating, and that is still unethical in my moral compass.
My husband decided a few years ago that he wants a poly marriage. He has been very kind and done a lot to try and make me feel safe and care for. I’ve been cheated on several times by previous boyfriends. He feels strongly that he can love multiple people. I feel hurt and betrayed.
I’ve read as many books and articles as I can get my hands on to try and see/feel the other side. I end up feeling that I’m just not the ‘cool, new toy’ and uninteresting. He doesn’t treat his ladyfriend like a disposable toy just so you know that he wants more than random sex with others.
We also have a Master/sub dynamic so I try to just suck it up and let my Master have his way.
Mostly, I want to know why bother being married at all. I feel that we are building something bigger, an empire if you will, with our businesses. When he spends time with her, I lose all motivation to do anything to grow our business. In fact, I basically stop being productive in any way. Not because I’m trying to, I’m just so hurt and damaged that I have a difficult time getting anything other than the most basic things done.
Why should I bother to strategically build and business only to have him give away the benefits that I’ve worked hard for? Why should I bother to work hard and forgo having ‘fun’ time when we work so much only to have him go off and have fun while I’m stuck at home with our daughter?
Why would he even want to marry me if he wants to run off and be with someone else?
Even after a few years of me trying to accept it, it feels bad. Very, very bad.
I just wanted to add that getting financial and legal benefits are NOT good enough reasons for getting married in my opinion. If that why someone wants to marry me, then I’ll pass.
I am so sorry that you feel very, very bad. That makes me sad to hear, and I feel for you and empathize. I totally have been there as well when you feel sooo badly, that you feel that you cannot be productive and you just don’t feel like doing even the simplest tasks. I am concerned that you may be getting to a depressed state. Have you considered talking through some of your thoughts and feelings with someone, such as a therapist? Also, it sounds like you and your husband have alot of talking to do. Have you read the book “The Five Love Languages”? I highly recommend it for both of you.
Please make sure to take care of yourself – both body, mind and spirit during this time. You can’t help others well until you help yourself, and heal yourself when you need to be healed. Meditation is great – consider trying http://www.headspace.com. Please keep me updated on how you are doing, and if you make good progress in a positive direction.
Not going to lie I have given up on trying to make people understand this, but I am very happily married to my very monogamous husband. We have been together for almost 13 years now, and he is very happy as am I. That being said one of the first things i have always told anyone I dated from the time I was 16 was that I am polyamorous, and I make sure that is not going to be a problem. I have long discussions about what they are ok with and what they are not.
My husband doesn’t need anyone else and has told me such, but he also gives me the freedom I need to explore other relationships. I don’t have sex without at least telling my husband that it is going to happen, and at his request I don’t date other cisgendered males. I love and respect him enough to do this for him, and really wouldn’t change that for anything.