This is eighth in a series of interviews of everyday people who are living a poly lifestyle (either polyamorous or polysexual), from their individual perspectives. They were each given a series of questions, and asked to pick several questions that they would like to answer from their personal experience.
This eighth interview is of a new female friend I have made who is in her 30s. She has been in the “poly lifestyle” for over two years now and needs to remain completely anonymous. I hope you enjoy it! Feel free to comment.
Q: What lead you to ethical non-monogamy?
A: My husband had several secret affairs. Finally he proposed to me that he wanted an open marriage. After several discussions, we both agreed to open our marriage. At first, I remained monogamous even though he had a girlfriend. Then a man (who became my boyfriend) appeared. He has his ways to do things. He wooed me and before I knew anything, I became involved with him. So I have to say my husband and my boyfriend lead me to ethical non-monogamy.
Q: What has been the biggest surprise to you about it?
A: First, it’s a very satisfying and fulfilling lifestyle. I was never happier like this before. Secondly, a person can very much love (romantic) more than one person at any given time. I was programmed to be strictly monogamous since my birth. I was taught it’s not love if a person was involved with more than one person. I was also taught if I’m unsatisfied and feeling emptiness, then just wait. In few years/decade, every interest and thought will die inside of me. Fortunately before that happened, I found this lifestyle. Now I’m doing exactly the opposite of what I was taught.
Q: What’s the most challenging thing in your relationship(s)?
A: I have two boyfriends. Both of them are alpha males. They are good with each other. They are gentlemen. But there is some tension I can feel in the atmosphere even though both of them deny it. My marriage didn’t work out in the end because my husband became jealous of my boyfriend. I’m hoping it won’t repeat with my two good boyfriends. Handling two BOYfriends isn’t easy.
Q: What’s the one thing that you wish you’d known before you got into it?
A: I wish I knew who I really was. I wish I knew this side of me then.
Q: If you care to share, can you describe some of your relationship structures?
(eg. do you consider yourself polyamorous? Polysexual? Open relationships or closed?)
A: Polyamorous has “amor” in it. In Spanish, “amor” means love, true love, or passion. I love both my boyfriends passionately. So I think we are polyamorous. Sometimes we also have casual/recreational sex with others. I guess that would make us polysexual as well. It’s an open poly. There is no hierarchy.
Q: Have you “come out” to your family and friends and if so, how did that go? Do you recommend it?
A: My family, who are close to me, know that I have two boyfriends. Some of my friends also know about it. I pick who I tell. I only tell the people who I know will understand or at least will be tolerant. Thus, family and friends who know about our poly lifestyle accept and support us. I recommend to tell only the people who will understand the feelings. Not everyone can understand everything.
Q: If polyamorous, do you find it is more like a relationship choice, or more a statement about who you are inside? (like being gay for example)
A: It’s definitely my choice. It’s definitely our choice. It’s how we want to live. I can also tell this is who I am now. I won’t change it.
Q: What one thing (or things) did you learn along your ethical non-monogamy journey that really helped you?
A: Love. I understand myself better than before. It also helped me see various things from different point of views. For example, feeling sexual attraction toward someone who is involved in another relationship, is not a bad thing. My journey actually helped me open my eyes to a different world… a very beautiful world.
Q: How do you handle when jealousy or insecurity issues come up (either with yourself or your partners)?
A: Honestly I haven’t mastered it yet. My marriage failed because of jealousy. My husband was jealous of my boyfriend. I couldn’t do anything there. Now I have two boyfriends. Sometimes I think one of them is jealous of another. Sometimes I fear I may lose one of them. I also feel jealousy when I see one of my boyfriends is with another woman. I’m learning to overcome it. I also become scared if I see them with good looking women. I’m learning.
Q: What do you find is the most rewarding aspect of living an ethical non-monogamous lifestyle?
A: Openness. Venturing outside without feeling guilty. New possibilities. New love. Love and loved by many I find very rewarding.
Q: What advice do you have for anyone considering an alternative relationship?
A: Don’t forget to love yourself. Be honest to yourself. Think before you start something but don’t over think it. If it’s a romantic relationship then always follow your heart. No book, no article, no expert can really help you. It’s your heart that can lead you. If it fails, it’ll hurt. But don’t lose faith in your heart. I believe love is also letting someone go. So even if it fails, even if it hurts, always follow your heart.
Q: Have you ever tried to have a relationship with a monogamous person? If so, how did that go?
A: Yes. In the beginning my marriage was a monogamous one. It didn’t go well. Jealousy failed my marriage.
Q: When you have issues or problems with your lifestyle, where do you normally turn for answers, or what has helped you get past it?
A: We turn to ourselves for answers. Whenever a problem (created by one of the boyfriends) arises, I try to put myself in his shoe. I try to see from his point of view. I try to understand what’s going on around him. Talking to each other before coming to a conclusion really helps. If a problem is created from outside, we stand together.
Q: Do you find much discrimination in your community or among your friend set regarding your lifestyle?
A: Yes. This is why I have told only a few. We live in a shadow.
Q: How has being in a poly relationship improved your communication skills?
A: I, now, can express myself clearly. I can talk about a lot of things which I always kept inside of me.
Q: Is there any other thoughts that you would like to share that I did not ask?
A: Love and take care each other.
Thank you so much, my dear friend, for the thoughtful interview! You are helping many wonderful people with your thoughts here on this blog. If anyone reading my blog (that’s in a poly relationship or has previous experience) is ever open to being interviewed (anonymously or not) for the sake of the poly community, please feel free to contact me via my contact page here.
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
What a fantastic interview! I enjoyed reading that.
My partner and I have been married for 5 years and poly for life. While we have been polyamorous together things have been a bit difficult, running into issues here and there. After we changed our ‘rules’ to be simply just open communication and honesty things got a lot easier. Thanks for your posting, we love reading about other people in similar relationships and how to navigate the emotions behind everything.