Why I Chose Polyamory…Unplugged

Cheers Sexy People!

I’m having one of those introspective days… you know, the kind where you wonder if you have any affect on anything that happens in your life at all? Are we all just running around thinking that we have control over our lives but we really have none? Or are we really steering our own ship and guiding our lives to a hopefully desired outcome? Does karma really exist, thus I do a good deed over here, and it will be rewarded over there… somewhere?

In keeping with this thinking, I just read a great article that got me thinking about why any of us choose polyamory. How much of it is nature vs. nurture?

I’ve truly identified as polyamorous since about February of 2011, after I professed my love to my boyfriend while I was happily married to my awesome husband (whose birthday is this Friday. Happy Birthday, baby!) I loved two men at the same time, with each other’s knowledge and consent. And it kind of rocked, though I did have alot of angst to work through and problems to figure out in the process. And wow, LOTS of personal growth spurts during this period of time, even as recently as TODAY! It’s a wild ride being polyamorous and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But what drove me to it?

Well, for me, if I am honest with myself, I can think of various reasons. Here are some of mine. Feel free to share yours.

1. Monogamy just wasn’t working for me. I have cheated on virtually every boyfriend I have ever had, usually in overlapping relationships. If you take out the lying and lack of integrity on my part aspect of it, I realize now it was really a polyamorous me trying to fit myself in the box of monogamy where I didn’t really belong. Once I later realized that there were other options vs. just monogamy (once I got over others possibly judging me for going against the “norm”), I decided that I really LIKED the idea of loving more than one openly and consensually… It seemed completely sane, logical and appropriate for me. Cool!
2. I get bored easily, truth be told. I like variety. I love adventures. Adventures of the mind, soul, sexuality, travel experiences, interesting hobbies (hello, pole dancing!). Getting emotionally and possibly sexually intimate with more than one person is quite an adventure (not for the faint of heart, mind you!). I enjoy the challenge of doing my best to make it all work as smoothly as possible for all involved. Sure, some days that proves very difficult, but I am committed to doing my best, because I am committed to these multiple relationships and their collective success.
3. I have a thirst for knowledge and learning that is impossible to quench. I can tell you firsthand that I have had more personal growth in the past few years than at any other time in my adult life, except maybe when I moved away from home for the first time (but that was certainly a different kind of adventure). It has prompted much self-reflection, forcing myself to come up with answers and conquer some of my demons, which needed to be conquered anyway. Bring it!
4. When I look back to my family of origin, my parents were not very affectionate with each other… and it always bothered me. I think I saw them dance together about once in my life, kiss only a handful of times, and they literally never held hands. Heck, they didn’t sleep in the same bed. Have a dysfunctional family much? Maybe. But it was my family and I’m proud to have been brought up by them. But I always knew that I wanted more intimacy in my relationship(s), more touching, more love, more kind words. MORE. My mother thought of the world as a place of scarcity. I prefer to try to see the world as a place of abundance! That includes more LOVE!
5. I guess I love breaking boundaries. Or taking the path less traveled. I find that by being polyamorous, not only does it enrich my relationship with my husband, but I never would have had the opportunity to get to know as intimately the man that is my boyfriend if I were hindered by the constraints of monogamy. By being polyamorous, we are giving each other the opportunity to explore and enrich our lives, without boundaries. Some days, it’s quite magical. I (and my partners) wouldn’t have the opportunity to really dig into someone else’s soul otherwise, to see who they really are, deep down. Even my friend has said that the fact that we are polyamorous has given her the opportunity to get to know my husband as an individual better than other husbands of her friends who are monogamous. No boundary. More intimate friendship.
6. I want to leave the world a better place than how I first found it. Via this blog, I am trying to share knowledge, experiences, and create possibly a newfound awareness for the choice of polyamory as a relationship style. And I also want to spread kind words, thoughts and loving ideas. When we all get along better, and accept one another (even with our differences), the world is truly a happier place for everyone. Don’t you think?
7. In a word: sex. I have very different sexual experiences with my husband than I do with my beau and vice versa… I actually struggled with finding my orgasm for many many years. Besides the fact that I’m a recovering Catholic who had to re-teach myself that sex is a good thing, even when we’re not pro-creating within the bonds of marriage, I also found out that the birth control pill was stifling my libido for all the years that I was on it! Um, that ticked me off! … especially since I was having trouble with reaching orgasm. In my forties, I can happily say that I feel that I am in my sexual prime. And I am loving it. And I’m not afraid to say that I love sex. And I love sex with more than one partner – partners that I love who love me back. It’s pretty grand. And I’m allowing myself to be happy in the ways that work for me, today.

Polyamory is my personal choice, even though I have had to teach myself quite alot, and stretch out of my comfort zone often. But I kind of like that sort of thing. (see my points above) Deciding what relationship choice works for you is partly about knowing yourself and working with what you’ve got. Once you get clear on who you are and what you want out of life, decisions become easier.

Here is the great article that I was referring to. It’s an interesting and introspective read:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-without-limits/201008/why-do-people-choose-polyamory

I hope you all are having a great and sexy week. Stay classy, San Diego. 🙂

Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)

Kitty