Compersion, Metamours and Other Keys To Poly Love

Cheers Sexy People!

Do you think that you could handle someone that you are romantically involved with (lover, partner, spouse) going out on an overnite date with his ex-girlfriend?

How about if the date was an all weekend excursion or vacation, with adorable pictures of them together showing up on Facebook?

Would you want to be friends with the metamour (which is your partner’s partner) or not want to ever meet them in person?

How invested ARE you REALLY in your partner’s happiness? Is it enough to put your own emotions aside, and do your best to practice compersion while at the same time allowing your partner the freedom to roam?

As a follow up to my last blog post about “Breakups”, I thought it would be beneficial to talk about some of the dynamics of my poly relationships, as it pertains to my metamours, both current and past. Last weekend, my boyfriend (who lives with me) spent about three days with his ex-girlfriend (She was Breakup #2 in the last post). They actually were working together the first day, and then spent the next several days together… and yes they did get intimate with each other… I met her over three years ago. We got along swimmingly, though I didn’t think I would normally be hanging out with her if not for the connection with my beau. But I did immediately like her well enough. Yay! I will admit that it was quite difficult at that time seeing the way she looked at him, the glee they were both feeling (they were rekindling a fire they once had a year earlier). It was NRE (New Relationship Energy) for sure. Since she lives several states away, I also had the “what if he moves for her” factor that was on my mind. I was fully behind him having other successful and loving relationships besides me (I mean, hey, I’m a happily married woman — fair is fair). So though I rationally and logistically didn’t have a problem with my boyfriend being with her, I did come to realize that it was OK for me to be uncomfortable watching them together, so to speak. So I decided that maybe just the three of us hanging out wasn’t such a good idea for me personally. I kept my distance and let their relationship run its course, with no involvement or presence of me hardly at all. I did see her from time to time, and we did communicate here and there loosely. So it was all friendly and good. I liked that part. Fast forward to last weekend: they had a great time together – it felt like old friends. And yes, adorable pics did show up on Facebook. I cringed for a just a moment… took a deeeep breath, smiled to myself, made myself a martini, and waited to hear from him. He sent me a very nice note later saying he loved me and missed me (I was away myself visiting a good friend in NY). Granted, I did have to ask for some reassurance from him at that moment when I needed it. But if there is one thing I have learned being in polyamorous relationships or ANY relationships, please don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. People are not mind readers, right? We all know that. Suck it up and ask.

Tonite, my boyfriend is having a nite out – which equates to pretty much a date – with another ex-girlfriend (Breakup #1 in the last post, and I also wrote about this rekindling relationship here). They are seeing a play together at their old stomping grounds, probably having a few drinks, and then he is most likely staying over. Yes, I am assuming they will be intimate with each other later tonite… (deeeeep breath). Actually I feel fine, truth be told.

If you have any STD concerns at this point in the post, we practice safe sex, we all talk about safe sex practices with our partners, and we all get tested roughly every six months, just to get that out there to my readers here. Sex is fun and pleasure is good for you. Just be safe about it! Also, don’t be ashamed of going and finding yourself some AWESOME, great sex either! You deserve it. Seriously.

Anyway, when he first rekindled a friendship-which-might-include-intimacy with this ex-girlfriend, I had a small freakout. I think I was entitled to have it. I just wasn’t entitled to freak out ON HIM. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was being honest with me. And he deserves good friends and good sex in his life, as do I. This is how I practice polyamory. This is how I do relationships. Honestly. Openly. With loving feelings for my partners. And with respect and civility with their partners, as long as I get that in return in any dealings with them. Again, fair is fair. Some of my reservations and wonky feelings watching my loved ones date others is I love them dearly and I don’t want them to get hurt… that is very natural. Some of these previous breakups hurt my beau very much. So I don’t want to see him get hurt again. So far, I’m feeling OK that these women, as well as my beau, have matured and grown some, and can try to be kind to one another and be fair and respectful to one another, and honest about their feelings. I hope I don’t want to eat this blog post later. hahaha. This particular ex-girlfriend I have not met in person before, and she has expressed a desire to NOT meet me. This does make me somewhat uncomfortable, as it does disrupt me having / creating feelings of trust for her. But it’s not 100% my decision, is it? I have to respect her stance here too. Until there actually IS a problem, I have to assume there is no problem. OK, no problem for the moment! Stay tuned.

What about my husband you ask? Well, it feels very different with him, for a number of reasons. First, we have been together almost 11 years now, and we started out monogamous with each other. After many discussions, research and delving into our feelings on the matter, we eventually decided to dip our toe into ethical non-monogamy, slowly and cautiously. We had built a very strong foundation of trust and security. Second, the women that my husband loves and is occasionally intimate with all happen to also be very good friends of mine. We socialize, share laughs over wine, empathize and trust one another very much. Also, two of them happen to have spouses that I am also close to and have a solid relationship with – thus less fear of them wanting to “try to steal my husband away” or “go monogamous” with him. Overall, there is less of an unknown here, and much maturity, honest, open and easy communication surrounded by alot of love in these relationships. That makes a world of difference in my comfort level and in the ease of dealings and negotiations that are present in ethical non-monogamous relationships. I am extremely grateful for these women in my life, and I feel honored to call them my dear friends. They enrich me. Thank you, ladies!

I recently read a good article written by someone in our poly community, KH, about some of the topics covered here in this post. Here is an excerpt with the full article linked below:

…Like any romantic relationship, thoughts and feelings of security, fear, and/or anxiety take over and you start feeling that anticipated loss of a partner or of that partner’s attention, affection, or time… When a person loses a romantic relationship, it hurts.

People in Poly relationships often feel threatened by emotional intimacy… even more than by physical intimacy.

Polyamory does not require the lack of jealousy, but a willingness to take responsibility for one’s feelings.

‘Compersion’ or the concept of ‘Compersive’ behavior is a way of life in the Poly Community that is used to overcome such emotions and feelings… We describe it as an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when our partners experience happiness and joy with the other partner or partners they are in a relationship with.

‘Compersion’ is just one key in finding true happiness in the Poly Lifestyle… The [question] is can you handle the one you love being in love with someone else, and can you find joy in the happiness it gives your partner? If you can, this life of love will be very fulfilling, and you will have great happiness and excitement.

The full article is linked here if you would like to read it in its entirety:
http://polywannanswer.com/2013/10/23/compersion-a-successful-key-to-poly-love/

How about you? What are your thoughts on loving, multiple relationships, compersion, your dealings with metamours and if and when they enrich your life? I’d love to hear your comments. Here’s to hoping all of my readers are enjoying prosperous, happy, and wonderfully evolving, loving relationships. Have a sexy, fantastic weekend, readers!

Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)

Kitty

If you would like to have an authentic, clarifying conversation with me so we can discuss ways to help you create loving, happy, secure, and exciting open relationships, feel free to learn more about my coaching services here. Then the button at the bottom of that page will offer you the opportunity to book a FREE Breakthrough Session with me – taking you directly into my calendar. I look forward to speaking with you!