Cheers Sexy People!
I have been thinking quite a bit lately about courage, finding our true selves, being authentic, facing challenges, and it is all very relevant to me in the decision / inclination to be polyamorous or not. Deciding to live an ethically non-monogamous life on purpose and out loud takes a load of guts. It also takes a certain amount of dedication to YOURSELF, belief in yourself that you are doing what is right for you, being true to your needs, wants, desires and tendencies.
On that note, here are a few updates in my funny, poly life that I will share with you:
1) On the coat tails of some successes both recently and over the past few years of facing and conquering some of my own fears, I decided on the spur of the moment – and without my husband being around when I started the conversation – to “come out” to another friend. This friend I very much admire and we are growing closer and closer. At a baby shower (have I mentioned that I really, really do not like baby showers?! Ugh!), as she and I were clinging around the punch bowl, I invited her over later that evening to “hang out”. Of course, my household is a poly one. She visited while my boyfriend and I were home, and my husband was visiting his girlfriend. Slightly awkward trying to explain that one BEFORE coming out to her. We started to make plans to all spend time together very soon. She was going to leave soon (before my hubbie had even come home from visiting his girlfriend. Hmmm, this must look strange), I thought, “what the hell”, I’m going to launch into this with my boyfriend beside me. I do my usual intro: “Have you ever heard of the word polyamory before…?” She responds with a “no.” And I go into my semi-rehearsed speech about who I am, who lives in my house, how we came to be here, what an open marriage can look like, etc. This friend being in the law enforcement field is very diplomatic, kept her facial expression fairly blank, and started asking some smart and tough questions. My beau and I started fielding her questions thoughtfully one at a time. My husband eventually came home, I informed him that we were doing “the talk”, and he immediately sat next to her and joined in. Some of her responses were statements like:
“No, it doesn’t work like that!”
“I could never do that.”
… overall, she seemed to be having a difficult time wrapping her head around the concept of polyamory. We very patiently answered all of her questions, to the point that I eventually fell asleep as it went on for hours and hours. Haha. She left the house around 3:30 in the morning, with smiles and hugs, and “let’s get together soon”s. We have not heard from her since (BUT we do not talk every day normally), so I am currently unsure if we blew this friendship out of the water or not. This is the scary part of “coming out”: will your friends still accept you, will they lash out at or judge you, will you ruin the friendship by the revelation? Only time will tell, after you take the leap and go for it. Fingers crossed!
2) The feeling of love is just awesome. I love LOVE. I love feeling it, expressing it, showing it, etc. It is a gift, and I cherish it. I realize this more and more every single day. Recently, I was talking to a very close friend of mine who lives in Canada. I know him through this awesome poly community. He was there for me during some of my darkest hours in my poly journey (and non-poly-related journey as well), consoling me and offering advice and words of encouragement. We lean on each other. It’s kind of beautiful. Let me rephrase that: It IS beautiful. We have never met face to face, and have been talking to each other for over two years now. Wow. Incredible. As I was discussing with him my fears about my recent decision to quit my day job, and embark on a new adventure with my career, part of which includes being a poly advocate, he said to me: The next time you need to be talked off of the ledge (of your fears), watch this:
This video moved me to tears in that moment. I was very touched, and happy that he sent me the video, thus I want to share it with you, in case it similarly and happily moves you. I thanked him, and felt inspired to tell him I loved him. Telling someone we love them for the first time, no matter the circumstance can feel kind of … scary … and beautiful … and awe-inspiring, eh? 🙂 Well, I took another leap of faith and said what I was feeling to someone that I care about. And you know what? It felt great. Do I expect anyone to understand that I feel loving feelings towards someone that I have never met, spoke to out loud, hugged close, looked in the eye, etc.? No, I don’t. And I don’t care. I know it’s there. That’s all that matters. Sometimes some of the best things in life are INVISIBLE. We just have to believe in them and know in our heart the truth. And speak our truth. What a cool concept. I dig it.
3) In more related news, that very same day, I received a text from my poly friend who lives in LA whom I have also never met, but have at least spoken to on the phone several times. I know him through this poly community as well, have been speaking to him over the past couple of years (wow, time flies!), and he has also offered his advice to me during some sticky, poly-related situations that I have found myself in. He teaches polyamory seminars and is very outspoken in the community, not to mention he is also hilarious. He told me that he was able to re-arrange his plans and will in fact be able to meet me face to face for the first time when I am planning a trip with some of my loved ones to the west coast in April. Whoot! Whoot! That’s a good day, I gotta say! I am very excited to meet my friend, share some laughs, some vino, and a poly story or two. Did I mention that I’m excited???!!!!!
So in terms of the decision to be poly or not, facing challenges, wondering how much love you have to give, how big is your heart, I will share some questions that I have recently been asked in both poly forums and during the forever-interesting “coming out” process. I hope that these questions and answers prove helpful, interesting or at least entertaining.
Q: What constitutes a first step in poly (life)? I’m sure new members into poly life have this in mind.
A: To me, I think it would be realizing that you have the desire, the ability, and the fortitude to be ethical and honest in all of your sexual, emotional and romantic relationships, and that you also WANT to have more than one relationship at a time, and feel you have the energy and desire to put in the effort to do it as well as possible, trying not to hurt anyone, including yourself. This would coincide with voicing those thoughts to your loved ones / those you are in a relationship with. To me, that is the first step.
Q: What steps in poly are the most challenging?
A: I think that varies from person to person based on your own skillset and experience level, and communication ability. For me, handling any feelings of jealousy or insecurity can sometimes be a challenge. Generally handling your emotions in a positive, productive and responsible way is an art that needs to be cultivated. Also, knowing how and when to communicate is another challenge. Knowing how to be gentle and kind, but also knowing when to set boundaries and communicate those boundaries. I think time management can certainly be a challenge sometimes as well.
Q: (in reference to my poly household of myself, my husband and my beau)
If [Kitty] was horny right now, how would that play out… who would she be with?
A: Well, that depends on everyone’s schedules, who has to get up early in the morning, who’s tired, who’s had a bad day, who still has work to get done, who’s feeling “sexy”, etc. It’s really simply based on logistics, with a sense of sharing and compromise in mind. I admit that there are days where I feel very blessed and lucky indeed to have these kind of options available to me. Yes, there is a sense of we get to “have our cake and eat it too.” But really this all feels very natural and normal to us. Sometimes I sleep / have sex with my husband, sometimes I sleep / have sex with my boyfriend. It’s really just that simple. Our household is a happy and loving one. There are hardly ever any arguments or skirmishes. It’s filled with love and cooperation. It feels very natural, comfortable and even safe to me.
Please feel free to comment on anything that I have written in this post. Do you have any other answers to the above questions that you would like to share from your perspective and experiences? Are there any other questions that you would like me to answer? I will do my very best, as I love serving this fantastically awesome community and keeping the conversation going…
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)