Cheers Sexy People!
As you know, I talk to alot of people through social media and my blog. Recently, I was talking to a 37-year-old man who is in a monogamous relationship. But he was on a sexy social media site (FetLife) lurking around, considering cheating on his girlfriend. Why? Here’s what he has to say:
I have a GF. She’s not at all as sexually driven as I am and I often question our compatibility. I need a woman who craves me/sex and worships my body wanting (to have oral and vaginal sex) as much as possible. I have to ask her most the time – not cool.
When I asked if he has had a heart to heart with his girlfriend to help explain how he feels and what his needs are (because it’s not fair to expect her to be a mind reader), as well as making sure HER needs are met, he said:
We’ve talked about it several times before. She insists that she loves (having oral sex) but actions speak louder than words. It’s really upsetting – she knows my wants and needs yet fails to meet them. As for her needs – I take care of her all the time. It turns me on pleasing her… Yeah, I don’t think we’re compatible. Bums me out because I do love her and really want it to work. Why can’t she remember how sexually driven I am and please me? I treat her pretty good emotionally too, bringing her flowers and treats on occasion, making dinner, etc. I’m a pretty bad ass boyfriend if I say so myself – just wished she was as much a perv as I am.
Sounds like a case of mismatched libidos to me. What to do? Quite often in a situation like this, people will cheat on their partner behind their back. To me, cheating is not an option, because you not only cheat your partner, you cheat yourself too with the dishonesty and lies. Everybody loses, and people get hurt, including hurting your own self-esteem and self-respect.
So, not counting cheating, I think there are three possible choices:
- Talk more in depth with his girlfriend and be SUPER honest with her. Meaning say to her… you have real concerns that you are not compatible, and you are at least considering parting ways with her because of this sexual mismatch issue. But you would like to really give it a go in figuring out how to each get your needs met, so that you don’t feel like you have to leave her (or cheat on her).
- Have the above conversation with her, but with the addition of asking her if you can open up the relationship. You could be “polysexual” where you don’t get emotionally involved with other women (if you can do that). Thus then he could get more of his sexual needs met with other women to take any pressure off of his girlfriend. And he can still be her main squeeze and she his. He could just have some “friends with benefits / fuck buddies” on the side to feel sexually fulfilled across the board.
- He can break up with her and find a companion that is more suitable for him. Life is too short to be in a non-satisfying relationship, especially at the age of 37. Figure out what you want and go get it! Don’t even apologize for it. It’s your life. Make it rock!
In my opinion, get off your ass and do something about this situation instead of complaining about it. Let your dissatisfaction motivate you for change.
Alternately maybe he just hasn’t figured out yet how to “bring out the perv” in her. Something worth having takes effort and patience sometimes. How much has he explored her mind, her body and her boundaries? He told me that he has tried to get her to watch porn (which inspired jealous feelings when she compared herself to the porn stars, which is never a good idea), and attempted anal sex with her (but she just wasn’t into it – many women aren’t). But that’s not all there is. There’s a whole world of sexual experiences and kink to explore. Patience can be a key element, as well as the desire to find common ground, all while having sexy fun exploring new sexual waters together.
My husband and I explored all kinds of toys, erotica and porn when we were getting to know each other. We realized we had met someone that we each could go exploring with sexually, in a free and open way. We should have bought stock in the store “Good Vibrations.” Haha! We have a vast and varied toy drawer. Also, my boyfriend is an amazing and creative lover, with a bent towards light BDSM. He brought out a side to me that I didn’t even know existed. I think he’s partly a good lover because he has had sex with alot of women. Practice makes perfect. If I ever have a jealous moment when he’s with someone else (he was just with someone else last nite!), I try to remember that, and it usually calms me down pretty quickly. If I want our sex life to be fantastic, that’s part of the package – him exploring sexually, constantly learning and embracing new experiences. Then he brings that knowledge and expertise home to me. Everybody wins! Whoot whoot!
Life is amazing. I love exploring all it has to offer me. Think outside the box to come up with solutions to problems. And please try not to BLAME other people for your problems, issues or concerns. They are YOUR problems, issues and concerns after all. Work on them yourself. Take responsibility and ownership for your wants, needs and desires. Become a better human. Become a better communicator. Become a better lover. Make her want you and come back desiring more. Here’s some tips on that last point:
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling fun sex too!)