Cheers Sexy People!
As you know, I talk to alot of people through social media and my blog. Recently, I was talking to a 37-year-old man who is in a monogamous relationship. But he was on a sexy social media site (FetLife) lurking around, considering cheating on his girlfriend. Why? Here’s what he has to say:
I have a GF. She’s not at all as sexually driven as I am and I often question our compatibility. I need a woman who craves me/sex and worships my body wanting (to have oral and vaginal sex) as much as possible. I have to ask her most the time – not cool.
When I asked if he has had a heart to heart with his girlfriend to help explain how he feels and what his needs are (because it’s not fair to expect her to be a mind reader), as well as making sure HER needs are met, he said:
We’ve talked about it several times before. She insists that she loves (having oral sex) but actions speak louder than words. It’s really upsetting – she knows my wants and needs yet fails to meet them. As for her needs – I take care of her all the time. It turns me on pleasing her… Yeah, I don’t think we’re compatible. Bums me out because I do love her and really want it to work. Why can’t she remember how sexually driven I am and please me? I treat her pretty good emotionally too, bringing her flowers and treats on occasion, making dinner, etc. I’m a pretty bad ass boyfriend if I say so myself – just wished she was as much a perv as I am.
Sounds like a case of mismatched libidos to me. What to do? Quite often in a situation like this, people will cheat on their partner behind their back. To me, cheating is not an option, because you not only cheat your partner, you cheat yourself too with the dishonesty and lies. Everybody loses, and people get hurt, including hurting your own self-esteem and self-respect.
So, not counting cheating, I think there are three possible choices:
- Talk more in depth with his girlfriend and be SUPER honest with her. Meaning say to her… you have real concerns that you are not compatible, and you are at least considering parting ways with her because of this sexual mismatch issue. But you would like to really give it a go in figuring out how to each get your needs met, so that you don’t feel like you have to leave her (or cheat on her).
- Have the above conversation with her, but with the addition of asking her if you can open up the relationship. You could be “polysexual” where you don’t get emotionally involved with other women (if you can do that). Thus then he could get more of his sexual needs met with other women to take any pressure off of his girlfriend. And he can still be her main squeeze and she his. He could just have some “friends with benefits / fuck buddies” on the side to feel sexually fulfilled across the board.
- He can break up with her and find a companion that is more suitable for him. Life is too short to be in a non-satisfying relationship, especially at the age of 37. Figure out what you want and go get it! Don’t even apologize for it. It’s your life. Make it rock!
In my opinion, get off your ass and do something about this situation instead of complaining about it. Let your dissatisfaction motivate you for change.
Alternately maybe he just hasn’t figured out yet how to “bring out the perv” in her. Something worth having takes effort and patience sometimes. How much has he explored her mind, her body and her boundaries? He told me that he has tried to get her to watch porn (which inspired jealous feelings when she compared herself to the porn stars, which is never a good idea), and attempted anal sex with her (but she just wasn’t into it – many women aren’t). But that’s not all there is. There’s a whole world of sexual experiences and kink to explore. Patience can be a key element, as well as the desire to find common ground, all while having sexy fun exploring new sexual waters together.
My husband and I explored all kinds of toys, erotica and porn when we were getting to know each other. We realized we had met someone that we each could go exploring with sexually, in a free and open way. We should have bought stock in the store “Good Vibrations.” Haha! We have a vast and varied toy drawer. Also, my boyfriend is an amazing and creative lover, with a bent towards light BDSM. He brought out a side to me that I didn’t even know existed. I think he’s partly a good lover because he has had sex with alot of women. Practice makes perfect. If I ever have a jealous moment when he’s with someone else (he was just with someone else last nite!), I try to remember that, and it usually calms me down pretty quickly. If I want our sex life to be fantastic, that’s part of the package – him exploring sexually, constantly learning and embracing new experiences. Then he brings that knowledge and expertise home to me. Everybody wins! Whoot whoot!
Life is amazing. I love exploring all it has to offer me. Think outside the box to come up with solutions to problems. And please try not to BLAME other people for your problems, issues or concerns. They are YOUR problems, issues and concerns after all. Work on them yourself. Take responsibility and ownership for your wants, needs and desires. Become a better human. Become a better communicator. Become a better lover. Make her want you and come back desiring more. Here’s some tips on that last point:
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling fun sex too!)
This situation above is similar to what iam going through with my main partner. His libido is almost no existent, where mine is always hot and ready.
iam in a form of poly, i have two other partners but within the BDSM lifestyle. I identify as a submissive /slave and i have a Master and a Miss. We are sexual and it matches fairly well but it is more in a Master slave type relationship, not a romantic, i desire you as a girlfriend relationship, like I have with my main partner.
So this makes me feel like iam missing out on that tenderness, loving, in love sensual sex and intimate relationship with my main partner but yet I have some of my sexual needs met with my poly/BDSM relationships.
I need my partner to desire me and want me in that sexual way and I have hit a wall on how it can happen. We communicate and he just has no answers.
I have considered leaving, iam 37 and have yet to feel that type of love and want too before it’s to late. Yet, i love him and enjoy spending time with him but if you truly look at it, we are bestfriends, roommates etc.
I love having some of my sexual needs met with my other partners but there is still something missing. Something they can’t offer me but I know I need.
Shan, I feel your pain. Sounds like me and my husband, who has no libido. We agreed that it would be best if I were allowed to have other partners, but I find that he has cut me off completely now whereas we were only occasionally intimate before. Sometimes it bothers me, but for the most part I try not to let it. I talk to him about it all the time, and like you said… no answers. I don’t think I’ll ever find a more amazing domestic partner who loves my crazy sense of humor, who I want to be the father of my children, who has the very same plans for the future that I do, who I trust with that part of my life. I don’t want to leave him, not by any stretch. It’s just difficult sometimes.
Thank you so much for contributing your thoughts, and relating to another reader, offering your insights and similar experiences. By your description, I see the conundrum that you have. I am glad that you have found such a wonderful partner in your husband, but I am sorry that the sexual intimacy is lacking, and not what you want in a perfect world. It does seem clear to me though that you have made your decision about staying with him regardless, and have found a way to get your needs met elsewhere thanks to ethical non-monogamy / an open marriage working for you. I am glad for you and wish you the best in your journey!
Shan, thanks for contributing your thoughts and experiences here. You are in a very interesting situation to be sure! I am happy to hear that you are at least enjoying an ethical non-monogamous life, so that you can get some of your sexual needs met elsewhere and get the chance to explore that side of yourself. I am sorry that you do not seem to have the “whole package” with your main partner the way that you wish and desire. I understand the longing that you feel. I hope that with some soul searching, you can decide what is best for you in the long run, and I am glad that you are communicating with your partner so there is an open dialogue.
Getting off one’s ass and working to effect change in this sad situation is all well and good… but the real question is what are you supposed to do when every suggestion you bring to the table gets rejected by a partner who’s simply of a very different mind about the sex… and this gets even better if this is the only black mark on an otherwise good relationship?
This, my friends, is centered on an ages-old saying involving horses, water, and the inability to make them drink if they don’t want to.
The thing that has always made me insane as a man is to tell my woman about this sexual disparity and then have her tell me, “Yeah, I know – what can we do?” and then when I answer the question and we make plans on enacting the many suggestions, she finds reason not to go along with the things we supposedly agreed to try.
In this, you don’t want to have to resort to cheating or otherwise opening up the relationship – this usually doesn’t go well for most people so you’re left to work with the person you have but if they don’t want to talk about it and don’t want to do anything about it, well, is it any wonder why cheating occurs?
Is it truly a case of mismatched libidos? I suppose there’s some truth to that but from where I’m sitting, women have always been funny about this and more so if, early in the relationship, the sex was flowing like water over a dam – then it’s like someone shut off the water. I’ve learned that you can talk until your hoarse; you can beg and plead like Keith Sweat, and nothing you’re gonna say or do is going to get her to turn the water back on if she believes she has no reason to – and this is despite the fact that she’s very much aware of your needs to make love to her.
Want to give yourself a bigger headache? Just ask her why she doesn’t want to have sex as much as she used to… and have her say, “I don’t know…”
Thanks for offering your thoughtful comments and insights. I see the point that you are making about a “black mark on an otherwise good relationship”. It seems there are several readers here who have been in a similar conundrum. From what you are suggesting, it seems even after much communication on this issue at end, actions speak louder than words, and your partner(s) were not truly interested in effecting lasting change after all. A leopard cannot change its spots it seems in the above scenario, which is frustrating from your end. I understand your thought process on cheating, and I’m sure others have been in the same boat, and thus have cheated. That is of course a personal decision. For me, I simply don’t want to cheat anymore as it makes me feel bad about myself, and feels like a shitty thing to do to someone I love. But to each his own, in each person’s situation and tolerance.
I think it’s important to note that women are not always the ones with the low libidos, as expressed by other commenters here. Sometimes men can have very low libidos too and/or sexual abundance can wain after “the honeymoon phase” is over. It goes both ways for both men and women alike.
I agree that trying to change other people that have no desire or need to change from their end is the equivalent of beating one’s head against the wall, and is a recipe for self-inflicted suffering over time, and should be avoided. We all eventually get to places in life where we need to make decisions for ourselves. Sometimes, it’s to walk away from a relationship; for some people, it’s to cheat on a relationship; for some it’s to open up a relationship; and for some, it’s to remain miserable and unsatisfied… or on the bright side, accept the good of the relationship with the bad and count those blessings (for some folks, “good enough” is just fine). The choice is always ours in the end.
Thanks again for your candor and for sharing.
This is why I like poly lifestyles. People go through different phases in life. In the above case, assuming she is monogamous, maybe she is having difficult time in her other relationships (sister, mother, friend, career, finance). Maybe she needs, at the moment, someone to lean on instead of penetrative sex. There is another possibility. She may be is not sexually attracted to him anymore. In poly relationships one can always have sex with other partners while supporting someone platonically.
Talking to her openly is the best policy here. I also think before bringing the open relationship on the table they need to find the problem.
If libido is the problem then they need to make some decisions together. He needs to understand cheating may seem exciting in the beginning but it will become “too much work” in the end.
I couldn’t agree more, as I also promote the ability to have a poly lifestyle. It feels both natural to me, but also it offers us options in our everyday life to get our needs met, and not expect them to ALL get met by one single person for the rest of our lives. And as you suggested, it can also ebb and flow with what’s going on in our lives, as well as ebb and flow with each relationship. You provide excellent advice. I agree about talking openly and narrowing down what the problem actually is to its barest components, in order to help solve the situation. Yes, cheating can be a “thrill” but it does not tend to serve everyone well in the end.
Hi there I.just wanted to put something out there and see if anyone has any thoughts..I recently started a poly relationship with someone..ive had rhem before but not for a few years. We talked openly about what it meant to both of us. I felt I wasnt really getting emotionally ‘ fed’ and had mentioned that it would be nice to be complimented more, taken an interest in. He agreed. I went to meet him at a night out and had too much to drink, got angry and told him to go away. I spoke to him the same night to see if we could sort it out and he said it wasnt a good idea at that moment lets talk the next day. When I did eventually get through to him he said a girl has just left. This just didn’t sit right with me.si thought polyamory was about being uhonest open and respectful? When I mentioned that while I had bern beating myself up for 2 days and wanted to sort things out he had been having sex with someone else? He just said..yes I foumd myself another playmate because you were drunk and had to be taken home..dont make me feel bad for wanting to enjoy myself. .
I don’t really understand what your question is. If you are more clear, I’d be happy to try to answer your question as best as I can!