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Why is the divorce rate so incredibly high? (roughly 50% of married couples in America end in divorce as per www.divorcerate.org)
Is monogamy necessary for a healthy relationship in today’s society… or is honesty, to your partner and to yourself possibly just as healthy?
Why does infidelity cause so much pain, heartache and grief, and why is it so rampant?
What is it about this conflict between our instincts and morals? Can we be ethical and still enjoy sexual pleasure or emotional fulfillment with more than one?
Recently, the trailer for the new upcoming documentary Why Knot was brought to my attention thanks to the wonders of our poly community (Daamini Shrivastav, part of the film’s team, reached out to me via social media and this blog). I am very excited for this film to be made and released, so I wanted to share more about it with you here. Why Knot, a film made by director Dhruv Dhawan and his team is currently in production and explores the themes of marriage, monogamy and infidelity. While society teaches us that sexual fidelity is a basic element of a sound marriage, this film explores the purpose of monogamy on a physical, biological and emotional level. We live in a world where almost 50% of all marriages end in divorce partly due to infidelity, and the pain, suffering and grief that ensues upon discovery. Clearly, there needs to be some sort of discussion about the purpose and benefit of monogamy and why so many of us cheat on those we claim to honor and love. This film hopes to open the door to the conversation.
The director hopes to break the silence on monogamy and foster communication within relationships, so that partners aren’t left hurt and broken at the hands of infidelity and betrayal. The filmmaker explains, “this documentary is a journey through the intellectual and emotional landscape of monogamy, questioning what it means to be human and to confront this conflict between our instincts and morals.” His vision is… ” to empower relationships and to encourage communication within, with the hope that one day infidelity and the containment of our desires may be a remnant of human history.” The film features leading figures in science and literature on both sides of the argument. Some of the prominent names interviewed in the film include Dr. Christopher Ryan, author of the controversial book Sex At Dawn and Dossie Eaton, co-author of The Ethical Slut to name a few.
Their objective is not to advocate for or against monogamy, but to break the silence and provoke thought on an issue which affects so many relationships and families today.
Watch the trailer here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXufovkWoh4
Meet the director yourself if you wish in his thank you video:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=1433229596894451
I am happy to report that the film garnered alot of support and attention thus far, and through crowdfunding, they surpassed their financial goals and can now film / interview men and women in the Amazon for the sake of the film. They have researched many polyamorous individuals and communities to take into account their insights and opinions as well.
I applaud their time, effort and perseverance in making such a film that I’m sure will be quite controversial, but that’s partly the point… to get a larger conversation going. What are your thoughts, readers? Any interest in seeing this film be made? Do you think it will help society at large?
Wishing you peace, love and happiness
(and thrilling, fun sex too)
Kitty
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I really love the questions you pose in your introduction. These are the ideas that led me to wonder, many years ago, whether there wasn’t something we were missing in the whole idea of monogamy and fidelity. The 50% statistic (which I’ve heard is common knowledge but may also be somewhat overstated) also hides the fact that many, many people think they are trapped in monogamous relationships that aren’t working or that have intimate or sexual imbalances.
On top of all that, the idea of what marriage is has dramatically changed even over the last century and instead of looking at partners as property and security and housekeepers, we’re looking for life long companionship.
Thanks for highlighting this movie. Very exciting. I loved Sex at Dawn. Even though some folks feel it isn’t very scholarly in the approach they take, I think it proposes a lot of very interesting ideas.
Thank you so much for your appreciate of the WHY KNOT film project 🙂
I’d like to invite you to visit our Facebook page where we could use opinions and thoughts like yours for debates & discussion.
https://www.facebook.com/whyknotmovie
Thank you for commenting and contributing to this conversation. I’m glad that you liked the questions at the beginning. These are questions I have definitely asked myself just as you have, thus I want to challenge others to ponder some of them if they are open to it. That is an excellent point that you made that not even counting the divorce rate, there are many in unfulfilling monogamous relationships that might be unsure about how to find more satisfaction and happiness in their lives. Just like the film, I would love for more people to understand that there are more choices for happiness in love and relationships. Times are changing and maybe we all have to change with them. My marriage is definitely built on, as you said, more of a life long companionship where we welcome others into our lives as well as intimates. It feels right to us, very natural. Overall, we are quite happy. But it certainly would be easier to live a polyamorous life if there was more understanding and acceptance. And that starts with a conversation. I enjoyed Sex At Dawn as well, even though it was quite scholarly. The gist of the book I thought was very compelling. Good luck to you on your journey. Keep questioning and sharing! It helps all of us.
Reblogged this on B0Y . LU5T .
Thank you BOY LU5T 🙂
We’ve featured your blog on our Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/whyknotmovie?ref=hl
Thanks for the reblog! I am following you now too! Good luck.
Kitty
Even before I read “Sex at Dawn,” I figured out that some people can thrive being monogamous… and many just can’t no matter what we’re taught about this. We learn, at some point, that entrusting yourself to just one person for a lifetime of fulfillment just ain’t gonna cut it. Likewise, some of us learn that we can have all the security and other props that a long term relationship can provide and still incorporate others into that relationship and just have a grand time living and loving.
Earlier today, I read a news article about marriage and poverty and how marriage no longer provides the financial security it once did and that some folks are getting married to escape poverty and failing. The thing that got me is that when the article started talking about ‘alternatives’, the only thing they could say was that people had to learn how to have better relationships. Then I see this blog… and it sticks out boldly to me that our society wants to keep pushing marriage as a viable, long term option when, in fact, it doesn’t work like it used to.
People need more in their lives and being monogamous prevents this and, at least in my opinion, is the reason why a lot of people cheat; it’s not that they don’t love their partner or that their partner doesn’t love them and that no one does their best to provide for each others’ needs – it’s that one person just can’t handle everything in every situation.
I hope the film captures the attention of everyone who can see it because everyone needs to know that being married and monogamous isn’t the only option available for happiness and long term security.
Thank you kdaddy23 🙂
Do visit our Facebook page because we sure could use your voice & opinions on the matter https://www.facebook.com/whyknotmovie?ref=hl
Thank you, kdaddy23 for your thoughtful contribution with your comment. Similar to you, I questioned monogamy as well, but it wasn’t until after I thought there must be something wrong with me that I couldn’t seem to settle down with one man. Almost all around me seemed to have the capacity to lead a monogamous life, why couldn’t I? I had to do alot of self reflection and research to finally realize that maybe I was simply just different, wired different, whatever you want to call it. And I accepted myself, and decided there was certainly nothing wrong about that, as long as I was sensitive and ethical to others’ feelings and always honest. Then I discovered the word “polyamorous” and the thinking behind it. And I started to find my people. So I really identify with your comments here. You are very insightful. It takes courage to question what mainstream society is doing, and to do something different. I applaud your thinking.
I loved this:
“Likewise, some of us learn that we can have all the security and other props that a long term relationship can provide and still incorporate others into that relationship and just have a grand time living and loving.”
And yes, it also surprises me when I read articles that talk about relationships and the problems people are having, and hardly ever do they suggest alternatives such as ethical non-monogamy. Helllooo! Over here! There are more options out there!
Also, this was brilliantly stated:
“it’s not that they don’t love their partner or that their partner doesn’t love them and that no one does their best to provide for each others’ needs – it’s that one person just can’t handle everything in every situation.”
May I quote you if I like in a future blog post?
Best of luck to you on your journey.
Kitty
You may quote me, Kitty. Our society is never going to suggest ethical non-monogamy because monogamy is the mandated and preferred behavior. When I got into being ethically non-monogamous (many years ago), it just made sense; we could get what we needed from other people if we wanted to while maintaining our core relationship.
Later, we went poly and developed a closed triad (which later turned into a quartet) and while there were bumps in the road, something to be expected, it all felt right and, oh, yeah, no one was cheating on anyone.
But we’re too ensconced in centuries of monogamous dogma; early on in our lives, “one man, one woman” is pounded into our heads and the whole notion of being in love is built around OMOW… but we eventually find out that while this is okay for some, it’s not one size fits all and while we are told to never want to have our cake and eat it, too, sometimes, that’s the best thing to do to preserve a failing/dying relationship.
Thanks, kdaddy23! Well, society did eventually get more used to the idea of homosexuality, which used to be taboo and hush and hush. So I wonder if in our lifetimes, ethical non-monogamy may get even slightly more accepted into everyday thinking. Time will tell, and that’s partly why I created this blog. Just like yourself, ethical non-monogamy just makes sense to me and feels natural and do-able with some work, but nothing I can’t handle (most days. haha). The bumps in the road are worth it to me for the rewards. I agree about the “it’s not one size fits all”. But I do want to add that my relationship with my husband in my case is not a “dying/failing relationship”. For me, it is simply that I feel I can love more than one person in my life, and I can do it well. And let’s be honest, there’s never going to be another first kiss, first time we make love etc., until there is with a new person. Loving others, meeting new people, loving more than one is what makes me feel alive, well and happy. It’s who I am. Best to you.
My understanding of history, it was not until the Catholic Church gained enough power in the Roman Empire, in about 300 AD, that monogamy was made the norm. Up until that point married women were not allowed to have anyone other than their husband, because they were seen as being property of their husband but a married man could be with other women, as long they were not married. This raises an interesting are humans wired for monogamy or not?
I tend to vacillate on this question due the complex interplay between culture and history. My own feeling monogamy may work for some couples but it is not always the best solution.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. Yes that is my understanding of history as well. Funny that. My general belief is that for some, monogamy works just fine. But for others, not so much. I think we all deserve the right to choose, and preferably not be discriminated against, or have one way of thinking forced on us. It will be so interesting to see what this film comes up with and shares with us. I just found out it is due out this fall.