When Poly Rubber Hits the Bumpy Road (or Three Is A Magic Number)

Cheers Sexy People!

Happy New Year, peeps! I hope you all had a love and laughter filled holiday, complete with sexy time and some adventures too. I know I did! I have lots to tell! It’s been quite a ride. Let me catch you up on my polyamorous life, filled with exciting twists and turns…

Adventure #1: A Lesson In Jealousy: GIVING

I got a first hand experience recently of seeing if I can take my own advice… on jealousy, on good communication skills, on loving well. My boyfriend recently rekindled a friendship with an ex-girlfriend. This isn’t just any ex-girlfriend. This is the ex (and we all have them) that, from his perspective, chewed up his heart and spit it out. The one that he had JUST broken up with less than a week before we met 3.5 years ago. The one that he talked about ad nauseum for months and months when we first started dating, telling me how wonderful she was, how much he missed her, etc. all as I was slowly falling in love with him and discovering just how polyamorous I really was. The one that he had been quietly intimate with before we had more firmly established the boundaries of our relationship, and he was still getting used to this whole “open, ethical and honest” polyamory stuff. This poly life was new to both of us when we first started out. It’s different than just open relationships. It’s deeper and more meaningful and much more HONEST than he was used to being as a bachelor. He was used to shielding people from truths that he didn’t think they needed to know. Well, THIS poly girl needs to know. That’s just how I roll if you want to be in a relationship with me. If you have sex with somebody else, I need to know, both for health reasons and emotional reasons. That’s my agreement and my boundary. Accept it if you will, or leave. Simple.

So he stayed over her house after a party. And I got the text the next morning. The “yes, I had sex with her last nite” text… while I was at work (word to the wise: It may not be the greatest idea in the world to text sensitive, possibly upsetting information to your loved one while they are at work. Just sayin’). With all of the personal growth and introspection and talking to smart people like you, my readers, I still am only human… I knee-jerked… over text (ACK!) a panicked, somewhat accusatory text back. I immediately consulted my poly girlfriend who went into crisis mode and started to slowly talk me off of the ledge. My palms were still sweating and I was deep in the throws of possibly going into a jealous, insecure, “OMG I’m going to lose him” rage. But my friend calmed me down, doling out advice I would be giving someone else, and also, my boyfriend, realizing what was happening started reassuring me on his own that he and I were fine, our relationship was intact, etc. They are decent friends now and she would never try to steal him away from me, which is really my biggest concern – NOT the actual sex part of the equation (as long as it’s safe sex of course, which it was). He said she had a copy of “The Ethical Slut” in her bathroom. That made me feel better. I then reassured him that I was fine, and got back to my work. We talked later calmly and all was good, and we even felt closer afterwards. Whew! That was a close one.

Adventure #2: A Lesson In Jealousy: RECEIVING

Somewhat recently, my husband and I decided that we are most likely NOT going to be parents and try to adopt (we are both infertility survivors, if you recently joined my blog). We are 95% sure that we want to live a childfree life, if having our own biological children isn’t in the cards. Since that decision, I have felt relief and a newfound excitement about life, including my polyamorous life. I have looked at people that I have been platonically talking to with new eyes. I am opening my mind and my heart to what’s next for this poly girl. What will truly make me feel fulfilled and happy?

Enter Stage Right: I have been talking to a sweet, fun, respectful, younger man (hey, I like them younger than me… sue me, I know what I like… haha) for months. He found me partly due to social media and my blog. We enjoyed fun, relaxed, often silly and sometimes deeper conversation. Recently, as we talked more, we decided that we wanted to finally meet each other face to face. Well, this is quite exciting! Again, if I’m going to profess to be embracing this poly life of mine, I welcome putting my money where my mouth is, thus keeping the door of my mind and my heart open. The first meeting went very well overall. He did not misrepresent himself and was true to form, both in looks and personality to what he presented online. Yay, for that! So far so good, and my husband and boyfriend seem to be fine. We decide to meet a second time. I tell my boyfriend over text (OK, that was stupid given the “try not to say sensitive stuff over text” advice I stated earlier. But he was at least NOT at work, and was away for days over the holidays, and texting is the main way that we communicate when apart, so c’est la vie). My boyfriend started to very quietly panic, like a man does. I went into crisis mode and started offering oodles and oodles of reassurances, talking about how solid we are and me possibly meeting someone new doesn’t affect our relationship from my perspective, and hey, I’m poly afterall. And I plan to go VERY VERY SLOWLY, as this is again, new territory for all of us. It was unclear if this worked or did not work, but hey, I tried my best. I went ahead and met my new friend and we had another excellent time… getting-to-know-you type stuff. Hmmm, this is interesting, but I need to tread lightly and go slowly for all involved. It’s a delicate balance, making sure everyone in my intimate circle feels loved and appreciated, and like they are not going to get replaced, all while trying not to hurt anyone, including my new friend, who has never been around a polyamorous circle before. He’s taking it all in and enjoying the ride, as am I. Maybe Three Is a Magic Number for this poly girl (fun musical interlude… enjoy).

My beau and I had a follow up conversation in person this week. I again, reassured him that I love him upside down and sideways, I am not going anywhere, and if I end up having a new person in my life as well, I will do my best to not let it negatively affect our relationship. We seem to be more than good now. Also, my beau has a date with a new person this week, so we are working at being there emotionally for each other, as we both explore other friendships / potentially other relationships. Wow, we are really putting all of these lessons, advice and information to the test! And so far, so good! I’m feeling like we kinda rock. We are getting through it and figuring it out, mostly unscathed. Go us, and our little poly family!

Adventure #3: A Lesson in Adapting: PARENTING

A man and a woman had a little baby. The woman is my husband’s girlfriend of two years. That man is her new husband – a musician friend of mine that she met at a party at my house, a year and a half ago. That baby girl came unexpectedly three weeks early. And I am proud to say that my husband and I are the very proud god parents / legal guardians. She is beautiful. We met her yesterday. My husband, boyfriend and I plan to go to their new collective domicile today to get it ready for the bundle of joy and decorate it with “welcome home” balloons and such. How’s THAT for a poly family? I dig it. This can really work quite nicely.

Life is beautiful. So is this new life that was just brought into the world. And so are all of my poly friends, lovers, intimates and this awesome poly community. To start the year off right, I want to publicly thank all of my poly friends whom I have met over the past three years of this interesting life I am leading. Thanks for your advice, your kind words, your moments of “talking me off of the ledge” when I needed it, your participation in this blog, and your interest in my unusual life. Let’s learn and grow together. And let’s keep talking. Please feel free to share your comments and feedback below. I love to hear from each and every one of you. 

Wishing you love, peace and happiness,
(and thrilling fun sex too)

Kitty