Cheers Sexy People,
Three important and epic things happened since we last spoke, readers – two directly related to the poly world, one related to decreasing stigmas about “taboo” topics that typical, everyday mainstream society would prefer not to talk about:
- My husband and I attended the infertility documentary in NYC to help lessen the stigma for infertiles everywhere, and help us feel not so alone (The Cycle: Living A Taboo).“We’re struggling to define a language and a protocol by which to live through the experience… When the immediate damage dissipates, the heavy work of sifting through emotions begins… to fill the dark chasm, the void that sometimes threatens to engulf us whole… In time, with the benefit of a grieving process, a rebuilding of identity and a new understanding and strength emerges.” I partly filled this void, healed and found a new identity by embracing polyamory whole-heartedly. (pun intended)
- My husband’s girlfriend got married – and my husband, boyfriend and I came to the event together to celebrate the union… I know you are wondering as others keep asking us over and over… YES, my husband still intends to see his girlfriend and YES, her new husband (who is monogamous mainly due to time restrictions) is not only OK with it – he encourages it, supports it, loves us, and looked right at us during his speech to say “Thank you SO MUCH for being there when K needed you.” Yeah, that’s right. This shit can work! 🙂 We all support and love each other emotionally, physically, and sometimes even financially, like family… Just an extended and unusual one.
- I outed myself to two more friends who visited us at our home whom I haven’t seen since their wedding over six years ago. I wondered to myself… what if I don’t see these friends for another six years – should I bother? What if they don’t approve? What if I make their vacation here with us in the nation’s capital epicly weird for them? Then I thought: I made a commitment to myself to out myself as polyamorous to my closest friends, people that I care about, and continue do be more and more open about it as I can be in my daily life… BECAUSE I AM NOT ASHAMED. Why should I be? I am not doing anything wrong – not within my own marriage, not within my own value and belief system, and not within my heart. I am simply living a loving, open and honest life and doing the best that I can every day. Aren’t we all? Some just do it a little differently than the majority of mainstream society. So I got some liquid courage (hey, I’m human!) and told them during a long car ride (to allow time for a little Q & A) in front of my husband, my boyfriend, and my good friend who is the one who first told me about that book everyone keeps talking about: Ethical Slut. Overall, it went very well. Once again, they had never heard of the word polyamory, but were very familiar with “swinging.” I carefully explained the difference, and fielded all of the questions. And then we went about the rest of their stay with us enjoying each other’s company in a very normal way. I even cuddled with my beau in front of them when my hubbie was away one night on a business trip. They seemed perfectly fine and did not run out of my house screaming CRAZY POLYAMORIST OVER HERE – BRING THE COPS! 🙂 I was proud of myself and of them too, actually.
Pretty. Epic. Stuff.
I am proud and happy to say that all three were overall enjoyable experiences.
The past week made me think of some of the points in an article I “re-blogged” yesterday: The Poly Closet: It’s Not Just About You.
On the decision to come out:
When you choose the closet, for sound reasons or not, you become part of the problem that leads more people like you to be closeted… Also, when you choose the closet, you’re depriving people who are ignorant of (or biased against) nontraditional relationships of the opportunity to learn, empathize, adapt, and grow. Many of them really want to do just that, if you give them a chance… I expect my lovers will not suddenly demote me, through words or actions, to “just a friend” if we’re out somewhere on a date and happen to encounter someone they know from another context. … I’m not ashamed of myself or my lovers — and anyone who wants to share friendship, affection, intimacy, and sex with me had better not act ashamed of me either… It’s really hard to reconcile having an approach to relationships so strongly rooted in honesty, authenticity and communication — and then trying to conceal exactly that… People who don’t match social norms often stay closeted because they feel ashamed, vulnerable and powerless. Yet one of the most powerful and effective steps they can take to make life better for themselves and for people like them is to choose to be out. Or at least to be as out as possible.
On my husband, boyfriend and I all attending a wedding together as a “V” (meaning I am the hinge between my emotional and physical relationship with these two men – just as my husband is in a “V” with his girlfriend as the hinge between she and I. My husband and beau are close friends only, just as I am close friends with hubby’s girlfriend):
Off-the-escalator relationships lack social privilege. Part of how privilege of any kind works is that it shapes people’s default assumptions about what kind of people or relationships are “normal” — which means they don’t need to be explained or discussed… Dodging the closet talk lets you pretend that social privilege doesn’t exist; that everything about your relationships is strictly personal. It lets some people pretend they aren’t advantaged; or that others don’t have as much to lose. It lets some people pretend that they aren’t disadvantaged, and therefore don’t need to do more work to protect their own interests… When more people from marginalized groups become more visible, they become less marginal. It gets harder to dismiss them as “those weirdos over there.” They’re your friends, colleagues, neighbors, and family members. They’re full people — enriched but not defined by any single trait or category. And they deserve as much respect and consideration as anyone. The more people are out, the less room shame and stigma have to steer anyone’s choices.
Amen, sistah! If you are going to have a significant relationship with someone in a truly “polyamorous” way as part of your life, then the people close to you and around you might need to be informed of this to be true to that person with whom you are hoping to have a significant relationship with, as well as doing your best to be true to yourself! Important personal relationships are at stake – the one with yourself, the one with your loved ones / partners, and the ones with your friends and family as well.
Aggie Sez from Solo Poly had this to add:
(in response to one of my earlier “coming out” posts. Thank you, by the way!)
A few more points to consider:
- When deciding how out you want to be or can be, you should include your other partners (besides your “official” socially recognized partner) in that discussion, and take their feelings and needs into account. Often, non-primary partners are asked or expected to be complicit in concealing their own relationships — which can really suck and feel disrespectful, especially if those relationships have become very important in your life. Or they may have their own needs or preference to remain closeted.
- Consider clearly why you are in the closet: what you want to keep (i.e., social status, peace in your family of origin, child custody or a job, etc.) and what you fear (losing relationships with friends or family, facing social stigma and unwanted questions, ostracism, etc.) When you consider these goals clearly, often there are multiple ways to achieve them that don’t involve staying closeted.
- Consider clearly what you will gain by being out. Not just no longer having to self-edit, lie, conceal people and relationships you value, live in fear of discovery, etc… But also, consider that by being out, you’re making the world a friendlier place for all poly people. That is, you’re making it less likely that people like you will have to hide who they are in the future, because you’re becoming part of the new normal.
- You don’t really control the information. Whenever anyone knows something about you (whether you’ve told them, or they see something, or hear a rumor, etc.), you are no longer in control of the information about yourself and your relationships. If you do choose to stay closeted in any contexts, think through a contingency plan for how to deal with being outed in a time and manner not of your choosing. That requires as careful consideration as you put into how to out yourselves.
Well said and all great points to remember. One of my readers, JC, has this to say:
It is a weight off the chest. Within myself over time, I found keeping some secrets began to feel like dishonesty from within. There is a need within us to find Peace and Joy thru Loving ourselves, and how can one begin to do so by holding back from others things like this. Now I move forward in my life, and I found my joy can be infectious – much as a smile to someone brings back a smile.
What a nice thought. Feel free to share yours. Opening minds, opening hearts and for some people who maybe live next door to you (who knows!)… opening relationships… What a great week it has been. Sending good thoughts to my friend and metamour (meaning my husband’s girlfriend) and the next chapter of her life. Congrats, guys! Love rocks!
P.S. Happy (Justice of the Peace) Anniversary to my husband today! Seven years ago today, we got legally married, in an office cinder block room so that several days later, we could get married by my Internet-ordained friend (which NC doesn’t recognize) in front of our friends and family. Whoot whoot!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
One question I have… how do your parents take to your polyamory lifestyle? Just curious because I find that the biggest obstacle I ever face is worries about what my Mom or my Dad would think if ever I told them I don’t feel like I could just love one man, or that I’m thinking lately that I MIGHT fall into the category of being polyamorous. I’m still being pushed quite hard to just make a commitment to the man I’ve been with for awhile… but I just don’t know that I can do that when I have such strong feelings for the other man. Granted, I may not ever be fortunate enough to have what you have… because I’m pretty certain neither of my guys would be supportive of it…. but I’m just curious as to how your parents dealt with it – AND – if they were okay with it, could you talk about how you generally deal with ones who just can’t understand and turn away from you because of it?
Secondly, I’d really like to know if in the past, you’d been in my situation, where you felt you really could go on having a relationship with two men but where you were fairly sure those men would NOT be willing to understand or go through with it? I’d love to hear more – I am struggling. I fear I’ll end up having to choose one after all… and then I’ll probably mourn the loss of the other forever 🙁
Thank you for contributing. Sadly, my parents are both deceased. My father passed away before I even knew what the word polyamory was. My mother did meet my boyfriend one time before she passed away, but that was before we were officially working on being “out”. And also, her being in her 80s and not of complete sound mind at that age, I didn’t really see the point in telling her anyway. My husband did tell his mother and she has been wonderful about it and quite accepting. She did have some unconventional things in her past too though so that made it easier. After consulting with his mom, my husband did decide to NOT tell his father or his very traditional minded brother as he did not think they would understand, be supportive, and we just don’t see them hardly at all in our everyday lives to make it become a problem in us being authentic on a day to day basis. My boyfriend hardly sees his parents in person, and his other family members are out of state as well and traditional minded. He has made a conscious decision to let them know that my husband and I are his best friends. But that’s it. If they guess further than that, well then they do.
The decision to “come out” is a very personal one, and no one can tell you what to do here. It has to be right for you and your situation. Generally speaking, I have not yet had anyone completely turn away from me because of it. But I have been treated differently by people because of it (“hey, will you sleep with me too?” or ”are you going to become a stripper now?” or just avoiding me more or not inviting me to things, as examples). I just take life day by day and do my best to help people understand by answering questions, being friendly and be my “regular self” and showing them that we lead a relatively normal life, just simply with more lovers / partners than the average person.
I have never been in your specific situation, because in the past, I was trying to be a serial (albeit cheating) monogamous person, as I didn’t even know back then that polyamory was an option for me, as I was drinking the cool-aid of monogamy. It wasn’t until I met my husband that we BOTH thought, there must be another way. So we kept an open mind and we found an alternative. It sounds to me like you still haven’t actually talked to either man about possibly having an open relationship with the both of them (and perhaps no one else?). My biggest piece of advice is to maybe let go of the fear of the conversation. Practice what you might want to say, and then go for it. All they can say is no. (if they leave you because you merely asked a question, that tells you something and maybe you are not as compatible as you thought?) And then you have an answer and can make any decisions based on that. If you have to choose, then choose. Maybe you can still have a close emotional best friend relationship with the man you have feelings for, and can fantasize about having sex with him and that’s enough for you. Or maybe it’s not. But start with a conversation first instead of wondering, struggling, guessing… Consider putting your cards on the table.
I will concentrate a future blog post on your questions since you are one of my readers and you asked. Also, you can always write me directly with any personal questions if you wish, offline. Best to you!
Kitty
Thanks so much for replying, Kitty. Where exactly can I write you directly though? Is there a public email on your blog? I guess I should check.
You’re right, I haven’t talked to either of them about it and… I do fear one or both of them leaving just because I ask or suggest it. I suppose that really would tell me something though, wouldn’t it? But maybe they’d want to leave because they’d think, Oh she doesn’t FULLY love me if she’s thinking of also being with someone else… I’ve no idea.
If anything, I’d bring it up with the guy I’ve been with for awhile – and I even kinda sorta did, and he SEEMED pretty understanding about it. But it was vague… more like if he’d still be with me if I felt I needed to perhaps see someone else. I worry that if I got into specifics, told him who the person was for example, or that there was LOVE involved… that maybe it would scare him into wanting to just leave and find someone else.
Remove the fear for the conversation? I guess I could try.
Then there’s the other guy though, who I’m almost certain would just cut me off rather than ‘share’ me. Sigh. If anything, I’m the only one out of the three of us who could be polyamorous… I guess that’s the problem. If I have to choose then it’ll take more time since I still don’t really know which one I should choose. Hoping to keep a friendship with whomever I do choose… that would be wonderful. I wonder how feasible it is….
Thanks again though. I also appreciate that you’d focus a future blog on my questions! I’d really look forward to reading that!
I have a blog post called Letting Go of Attachment which is really about letting go of fear here. You might like it:
http://polytalkbykitty.wordpress.com/2013/04/25/letting-go-of-attachment/
You’re welcome. I’m here to help where I can, as that’s what it’s all about. Loving, connecting, helping. You can write me directly via my Contact page on the blog and that goes right to my personal inbox.
The man you have feelings for… does he know that you are in a long term commitment with another man? Just curious. I think it first comes down to YOU. What do YOU want? Who are you deep inside? If you read about polyamory, it really jives with you and think you truly self-identify as polyamorous, well then will you ever be satisfied with your time on this earth not indulging who you really are deep down? Can you live with that? OR if you have polyamorous inclinations, can you be monogamous to one man and merely fantasize and have close relationships with others and that will fulfill you? Consider asking yourself these self-awareness questions before worrying about everybody else. First, it starts with you. THEN incorporate the other important people into your thought process at the appropriate time. Also, keeping secrets takes its toll on most people after awhile. Hiding who you really are takes effort and gets confusing. Some people like it or can deal with it (like spies, no kidding), some people can’t. Think about that too.
A simple step to opening a door to a conversation could be just sending a link (to an article, to a blog) and just saying, “This sounds interesting. What do you think? Let’s talk about it later.” Or read a poly book from cover to cover, then ask someone else to check it out as it really speaks to you. Simple and not so scary. 🙂
Whatever you decide, you will be fine. I promise.
*hugs
Kitty
He does know of my long-term relationship yes, and has made his OWN choice to stay in my life because he wants to be there. What I have with him… it is what it is for now, I suppose. At this point, I don’t think there exists a title for what he and I have – and with my LTR, he also agreed a little while ago to just take things easier… loosen ties a bit because he can see that I’m in conflict.
There is indeed a HUGE amount of fear of loss in my case, fear of losing either of them, and so I had even almost concluded that it’s better of to just stay this way for always, caught between the two, and never having to pick one and lose the other. I just have a gut feeling that neither one of them would ever just want to be friends with me. I know them so well to feel that instinctively…
This link is FABULOUS btw. I’ve only just started reading but already I felt so much tension lift from my body after reading some of it. Thank you again. I will remember to post you something directly if I find myself obsessing over any more questions. Hugs back x
Haha, that’s great! I’m glad you like the link. When I was going through a rough patch, I literally read it every morning for two weeks and it helped me stay calm and as focused and relaxed as possible. I believe in using all of the tools that I can find (and then sharing them happily!) I have fear of loss in my life too, as I lost both my parents, my unborn children (due to infertility) and almost lost my boyfriend several times to monogamous women. But I know my fear of loss is my issue to work through as best as I can. I can only love my loved ones with all of my heart and try to enjoy each moment that I have with them. As Joe Cannon said (if you didn’t read his comment as I don’t know how this stream comes up in your inbox), he had some great insights such as “The one person we have to live with is ourselves so why not let it be a Joyful relationship that you have with yourself!” 🙂
Hi Jadedwildcat, truthfully I hadn’t thought about speaking to my Parents yet. My Mother is the least of my worries in coming out Poly as she was and is the embodiment of being a free spirit. My Father is more traditional but he has accept other things about me such a my embracing my Native American heritage and worshipping thru the Native Religion. I got over that hurtle by deciding being true myself and being honest was the best thing I could every do for peace of mind and to have a Joyful life.
Since I came out I have had a few GFs but haven’t found a poly one yet. Though it hurt some when they couldn’t take me for what I am the relationships became short ones. There is hope though, have been in touch and in a developing relationship now who from the first I told her I was Poly.
The best thing I can say is we all struggle with telling others about our views, our lifestyles, or even our Fears. Being open and honest about myself rips the cover off those fears and allows me freedom to find Joy within and from others. Boyfriends and in my case Girlfriends are going to come in and out of your life but by being open with Poly those ins and out will be more amicable and who knows you may find that Poly partners to settle down with and will become you number one support system for those times that are rough to handle.
The one person we have to live with is ourselves so why not let it be a Joyful relationship that you have with yourself!
REALLY great stuff here, Joe. Thanks for contributing your thoughts to the dialogue. This was fantastic: “Being open and honest about myself rips the cover off those fears and allows me freedom to find Joy within and from others.” As was this: “The one person we have to live with is ourselves so why not let it be a Joyful relationship that you have with yourself!” Very nice thoughts indeed, and great to share them. 🙂 You rock! Party on with your poly self.