How To Stay Calm In Challenging Situations + Your Invitation To Make Polyamory History!
Cheers Sexy People!
I hate to be bored. So does my husband. We are both Geminis (the sign of the twins), and my friend described us when we were engaged with: The four of you must swing from the same chandelier. Well said!
When we got married, we put the song “Live A Life Less Ordinary With Me” by Carbon Leaf on our wedding CD. That song and concept really spoke to us. We wanted to live an exciting, maybe somewhat unusual life together. We didn’t know exactly what that would look like at the time, but we were ready to explore that together. I thought this blog post could address my (poly) relationship with my husband, and answer a few questions that I have received from readers or friends.
When we decided to embark on an unusual life together, we didn’t at the time realize just HOW unusual our lives would become – some of it voluntary, some not voluntary. Here’s the short list:
We are polyamorous = unusual, minority, stigma
We are infertile = unusual, minority, stigma
I am a pole dancer = unusual, minority, stigma
We don’t have a “traditional” family = unusual, minority, stigma (“where are your children and who is THIS guy living here?” meaning my boyfriend).
Those are just a few of the ways that we are unlike most of society. What we didn’t realize early on was how isolating and “not included” we would feel when you start adding all of that up. We sometimes wonder how to relate to other people while they also wonder how to relate to us. I think that’s partly why we took so much time deliberating if we should “come out” or not. It was kind of “safe” living behind the shelter of the façade that we were just like everybody else. But as time wore on, we couldn’t (and didn’t want to) hide these relationships with these people that we loved who were so important to us. After quietly dealing with our infertility – first with IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization) treatments, then post trauma / grief therapy (I had lost both of my parents to cancer and old age, and then my unborn children to infertility – within several years of each other), I recently decided to take another brave step and “come out” more about our infertility. It has been met with mixed reviews, but I think it is part of our healing. We realized that with both our poly-ness and our infertility, we need to find a community of other people who understand what we are dealing with, some of the emotions that we have, maybe get some ideas about how to move forward. This blog has helped me immensely in so many ways with the polyamorous aspect of our lives. With our infertility, we are very proud and excited to be part of this momentous occasion this coming Friday in NYC, as we will be in attendance for this first-ever documentary on infertility:
http://www.thecyclelivingataboo.com/
Feelings of isolation, sadness and depression are… well let’s face it… they suck to be blunt. So we are actively taking steps to find “our people” and face any struggles we have with whatever tools we can find. Pole dancing has been a very cathartic, therapeutic, enlightening experience for me. It reminds me that I am strong and sexy and womanly (even in my 40s with broken reproductive parts), that if I put my mind to something, I can achieve things that seemed impossible last month or last year, that I love constant improvement, both physically and emotionally. I love personal growth. And it’s human nature to want to surround ourselves with people who have common interests. I have found that my pole sisters give me encouragement and strength, sometimes when I need it most. If I am emotionally struggling with something, sometimes defying gravity for an hour or learning a new pole move reminds me that I can “figure it out” and move past things, slowly solving each puzzle that comes my way.
So without further ado, let me directly answer several questions that I have received about my unusual marriage and household:
Q: Why be married at this point? (in response to my being married and dating, having the ability and permission to fall in love and be intimate with others)
A: I always knew that someday I wanted to be married if I found the right man. This thought did partly stem from my monogamous upbringing. But I had faith that hopefully I would know the “right” man for me when I found him. When I met my husband-to-be, I realized that this was finally someone that I could grow old with, that I could journey through life with, that shared my beliefs on quite a number of things, that we had similar values and goals, that I wanted to create a “family” with (whatever configuration that family ended up being). I also knew since we discussed it that we could design our marriage how WE wanted to, not what society told us it had to look like. Thus we wrote our own vows. They included saying we were committed to each other and vowed to love each other for the rest of our lives, but they did NOT say that we were not allowed to love other people, (thus we were not each other’s “ball and chain” or “one and only.”) We did vow to support each other and be there for each other. Eventually we decided as we went down our journey together that we were polyamorous. I love being married to my husband and serving that relationship WHILE I love my boyfriend and serve that relationship as well. It works for us. And as discussed in some comments a couple posts ago, there are also privileges that married couples can enjoy: such as going on my husband’s better health insurance policy, writing wills / living trusts together and taking care of our assets together is MUCH easier as a married couple. If one of us is incapacitated, the other can make vital health decisions for the other, etc. We opted in to these legal privileges by choice. My boyfriend unfortunately can’t enjoy any of those basic perks with me / us because it is currently illegal.
Q: How does your relationship with your husband work?
A: Well, we’re married and live together and share finances and mortgages and vacations just like any other married couple. We have two cats, a hot tub, some fish, and a lot of DVDs. 🙂 I don’t do his laundry though and he doesn’t do mine – I draw the line there. I don’t like anyone handling my dirty laundry quite literally – that’s not sexy, and maybe I’m a control freak with that one thing. Haha! But as a couple, we are also open to having close friendships, relationships all the way up to intimate lovers with others, and welcome them into our life, carefully and selectively chosen, and with each other’s consent and permission. When describing our marriage, we at first will say “open marriage” in case the recipient has never heard the word polyamory. But really we self identify as polyamorous because to us it is about love, intimacy and close friendship with a chosen few (much less about being polysexual, or “swinging”… not for us anyway). So we schedule dates and handle anything that comes up with good solid communication, we support each other’s endeavors and happiness, and we cheer each other on as any other couple. It’s just that we also cheer each other on with other relationships too. And we work as a team to resolve any bumps along the way that arise – they just might also be some bumps from our polyamorous life.
Q: How do you decide sleeping arrangements? Like… what if someone has a bad day and needs extra attention?
< strong>A: My boyfriend currently lives with my husband and I at our house. He occupies the bedroom downstairs, and we have the master bedroom. My husband and I generally sleep better snuggled up / spooning, whereas my boyfriend generally sleeps better by himself (but still <hearts> cuddling and sleeping in). So on an average week, I might sleep 4-5 nights with my husband, and 2-3 with my boyfriend, partly just based on who has to get up at what time, who is on a date nite and/or having a sleepover, who wants to talk late and who needs a good night’s sleep. To my friend’s question, if someone is having a bad day and needs extra attention, then I might make a quick phone call to the other and explain that and ask to spend extra time with the person in need. I try my best not to break plans with anyone, but at the same time, an emergency with a member of my family is an emergency. Basically, we just act like adults who can use good communication skills, and we work things out pretty easily most of the time. Honestly, it is quite similar to any other intimate relationship, except that I have two loving, committed relationships, so there is simply MORE negotiations, communication and scheduling that goes on. That is why right now, I can only handle two full-on relationships. I also need to make time for my friends, hobbies, extended family, etc… as does any other family really. We all need a balanced life with emotional support systems.
As I was writing this blog post, my husband called to schedule a date with me on our upcoming seven-year anniversary (of our unusual marriage). Hmmm, wonder what he’s planning. Whatever it is, can’t wait, husband ’o’ mine! Let’s continue to live this life less ordinary, shall we? I love you like CRAZY! Thanks for sharing this nutty ride with me! *SMOOCH*
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Kitty
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I just continue to love and be fascinated by everything you write, and how you are so at ease and willing to share all aspects of this “unconventional” way of life. Honestly, just learning about it all has done me a world of good, and I’m glad that you’re there to remind me that not everything has to go according to what others or society dictates. Thanks for posting. <3
Thank you so much for commenting and for the compliment on my writing. The “unconventional” way of life is not an easy path, but it is a brave path, and a potentially exciting and rewarding one, especially when I get comments about telling my story from people like you! It warms my heart knowing my words are helping others, whether teaching them, helping them with an issue, or simply opening their minds to a different way of living that maybe not many people are doing (but eventually might be curious about). You are very welcome, and I will keep telling my story because of these positive outcomes. Take care and good luck to you! <3
Reblogged this on J4D3D W1LDC4T's Den Of Horrors and commented:
Reading her blogs has truly opened my eyes to a lot of ways the world does work, even when people say it shouldn’t or are completely blind to the fact that it does. Eye-opening!
I really appreciate the openness in your writing. I’ve heard some of these questions, and others, asked of me too. Sometimes people really are curious and want to know. For those people I love investing some time and energy in dispelling rumours or assumptions and, for the most part, letting them know that we’re all pretty normal.
You make some great points about stigma and you certainly have had more than your fair share of experience. It is impossible to overcome stigma without talking about it. The more we talk about our experiences, the better it is for everyone. People listen, learn, grow, and realize they aren’t alone. And, honestly, while I don’t want to minimize your struggles, because you really have gone through a lot, I doubt you have to go very far on any given day to find someone who isn’t carrying some burden of shame or pain.
Reminds me of a song by Robert Waddell:
Hey you, hey you, we are all alike in shame, we’re all alike in joy, we are all alike in pain.
So open up your closets and parade your weary bones so your weary friends and neighbours can be sure they’re not alone.
Thanks for opening up your closet. <3
As always, thank you steadfastnine for your contribution here. It is always insightful and appreciated. Yes, I enjoy answering questions from the truly curious and even the cynics at times, so that’s all good. I think it is better to get answers directly from someone practicing polyamory in this case, than to just watch reality shows or sit back and guess what it is all about. That’s why I put my thoughts out there on the blog, directly from myself and my experiences, even when maybe they are difficult to look at, so that others can make informed choices.
Yes, great point in regards to dispelling stigmas, we must talk about them. Learning that I am not alone has helped me greatly, and thus I must assume that will help others as it has me. I do find sometimes that there are some that don’t want to talk about stigmas. Of course, we cannot force them to. But we can find others who are truly curious, want to understand, and want to talk about it and seek them out.
Excellent point that we all need to remember that no matter how bad we think we have it, someone out there always either has it worse, or simply remember all of us have our own struggles, our own painful experiences, our own areas that we might like to hide in the dark and forget about. No one is perfect and bad things happen to good people all over the globe. It’s what we do next that counts the most. Thanks for the reminder. Love the song quote. 🙂 And you are most welcome. Some days, my weary bones grow tired too, but others like you remind me of the joy I can find every day in life. Keep smiling, laughing and spreading joy!
<3 Kitty