Cheers Sexy People!
As a follow up to my recent blog posts about “Coming Out”, I wanted to share with you this brilliant blog entry that I found recently that uses a metaphor to help describe what it can feel like to try to explain polyamory. To those of us who practice polyamory and identify as polyamorous, it can feel to us very natural and innate to who we are. But when it comes to talking about it with others who may not be “wired” the same way, what seems natural to us may seem very strange and confusing to them. It can be a challenge to come up with the right words, metaphors and descriptive language to explain this alternative relationship choice that is available to those who seek it. I hope someday that being polyamorous will be accepted in society at large as much as being monogamous, but we simply aren’t there… yet. In the meantime, please enjoy a little humor to add to your day. Ponder this…
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Imagine you have an acquaintance who is a big soccer fan. They play soccer, sing soccer songs and watch soccer. They love soccer and they talk about their soccer team all the time.
One day you tell them that you’re not really into soccer, but you are a sports fan.
“What do you mean, you don’t like soccer? What other sport is there?”
“Well, I like basketball. I play on a local team.”
“Basket ball? What’s that?”
“Well, players try to get a ball into the other team’s basket.”
“Ok, I follow. Like soccer.”
“Yeah, except you bounce the ball with your hands instead of using your feet.”
“Wait, what? You mean you can CHEAT?”
“No, it just has different rules.”
“What do the other players think about that?”
“Well, they all play by the same rules.”
“Maybe you just didn’t commit to soccer. It takes a lot of hard work.”
“So does basketball. It’s really difficult.”
“But it’s just basically permission to cheat. I just couldn’t do that. Sorry.”
“Well, I don’t like playing soccer. Basketball is closer to my skill set and I find it much more exciting and intimate to play. I love watching the game because it’s more fast paced and suits me better.”
“I just couldn’t imagine how I’d feel if the other players were allowed to use their hands like that. I couldn’t do it.”
“Well, it takes skill, but you realize you’d be able to use your hands too, right?”
“Yeah, but I wouldn’t want to. I prefer only using my feet to kick the ball. I couldn’t do it any other way. I just couldn’t.”
“Nobody is making you. We just like different things.”
“Okay, but please don’t talk about this basket ball thing around my soccer friends. It might make them feel weird.”
And this is what it is like to talk to some people about polyamory.
Here is the original link to this post for further exploration:
http://polymomma.com/2013/07/11/polyamory-and-a-sports-metaphor/
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🙂
I think this is pretty hilarious. And indeed yes, sometimes you don’t even tell people that you “play basketball”, because it might be perceived as a freakish sport, and you must be off your rocker for playing it. Deciding who to tell can be an art (or simply black and white if you think it’s foolish to tell say… people in your workplace who might discriminate against you detrimentally).
What about you? Any thoughts on trying to explain polyamory to your friends and family? What was your perception of how it went, or do you have a funny anecdote to share? I’d love to hear it.
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too)
Kitty
This is awesome and hilarious! Thanks for sharing
Glad you enjoyed it! You’re very welcome. 🙂
I actually had this conversation tonight. Reading made me feel much less isolated, thank you.
I am so glad. Feeling isolated and alone about anything, but in this case polyamory can be such an awful feeling. Creating a sense of community is one of the main reasons I started this blog! Congrats on being brave enough to have the conversation. I am betting you probably had butterflies in your stomach beforehand and during – but it’s done now! Kudos!
Brilliant!
One of the biggest challenges I’ve had with these conversations is that people confuse the realm of ethics with social conditioning and religious indoctrination. It can be so difficult to get people to think outside the box when they go to “it is just wrong” without being able to give any good reasons for why it is wrong. So many people fall back on the standards they’ve been fed without being conscious enough to question their assumptions.
Thank you for commenting. Yes, I couldn’t agree more, and very well said. When I was a child, I believed everything that I was told. It wasn’t until late high school and college that I started to question what I was taught and make my own decisions about what was right for me and my life. And it wasn’t until several years ago as a middle-aged adult, that I came to understand and believe that polyamory was a relationship choice that was available to me. Previously, I thought there was something wrong with me that I “couldn’t settle down with just one person” and be satisfied with that. Also, no one call tell me that love is wrong. Love is beautiful and to be shared. (and sex is fun and pleasure is good for you, so there’s that. 🙂 ). I am sex-positive and love positive. And that’s, well… positive! Just keep it all honest, healthy and ethical.
Brilliant! I love the cheating analogy… that’s really inspired.
I think people get confused by their own indoctrination, whether that is by social conditioning or religious dogma, into a set of preconceived notions about how the world should work. So when presented with a new idea it is easy to fall back on the doctrine and believe that there is no other way. I’ve run into this so many times with people who are so sure that what we are doing as polyamorists is wrong. Those folks never have good reasons but they tenaciously hold on to their beliefs.
With some, I’ve managed to find a bit of compassion for them. It is hard work to move past your belief system and even begin to accept a radical new idea. If they aren’t ready to open their mind and do a bit of critical thinking then maybe that’s not my problem. Sometimes, over time, those folks come around and actually “get it” as they see how our family operates. Those are really valued friends because we’ve all done the work together to make ti work. Some, who stay stuck just get to see our backs as we walk away.
Thank you for contributing. And yes, I couldn’t agree more. It seems a shame to not be able to question our own beliefs to make sure that we have not just adopted a societal “norm” versus actually deciding for ourselves what makes the most sense to us after looking at the facts, the pros and cons etc. But also, if someone is living their life in a happy and healthy way and not hurting anyone else by doing that, why does anyone feel the need to point the finger and say “Wrong!” Live and let live is how I tend to look at things.
I agree that having some compassion and empathy for others’ points of view and how they got to their beliefs is good and helpful. We need to all remember that most of society has been taught ONLY a monogamous viewpoint, so that is where they are operating from as a default. Keeping that in mind helps make sure conversations go more smoothly. People will change their minds and open their hearts when they are ready to do so, and not before. Patience is a good thing. Thank you!