Couples In Transition: Monogamy and Non-monogamy

Cheers Sexy People!

So…
Monogamous or Non-monogamous?
That is the question.

I eventually answered that question (once I realized I had a safe ethical choice) as quite firmly: non-monogamous, as did my husband and we came to that decision together at the same time (OK, maybe I nudged first after reading Ethical Slut and feeling like the skies had just opened up and poured bright-sexy-loving-light down on me. 🙂   ) One of my readers expressed an interest in learning about both the rewards and sacrifices of non-monogamy / polyamory from a curiosity standpoint. In my last blog post, I touched on this a bit.

I recently found an excellent article by Frank Kermit ND, a relationship coach, and I will provide the link below. It’s a fantastic, insightful and a thorough read. This article partly discusses the transition from monogamy to non-monogamy within relationships or vice versa for those considering it. But it also touches on the pros and cons of each as well as points out some pitfalls that may come up that you might not have been aware of. I hear that! He also uses the phrase:

“Commitment to your commitment.” I like that. “The decision to do whatever it takes to work it out and stay together.” Beautiful.

I made a commitment to my husband when we got married over six years ago – to love him well for the rest of my life (we wrote our own vows, and excluded the “one and done” / “ball and chain” type of language by choice). And I’ve also made a commitment to my boyfriend – to love him well as long as we both possibly can, hopefully as lovers if circumstances continue to allow but definitely as closely bonded friends. We both every day make “the decision to do whatever it takes to work it out and stay together.” And you know what? It’s working. We have all survived “coming out” to most of our friends and family as polyamorous. We’ve survived breaking up with other lovers. We’ve survived being “interrogated” about our lifestyle and questioning if what we’re doing is “sinister”. We’ve survived “Three’s Company” type of miscommunications and misunderstandings. We’ve survived the hurts that sometimes come about from unintended consequences of our actions as we try to learn on this rather unusual journey that we are all on. People “get” that I have a husband. But it’s more difficult to wrap one’s head around the fact that I have a boyfriend that I also love very dearly (and he has other intimates as well). And heck, he and my husband are close friends at this point too. Is that confusing? Not to me. We frankly have a wonderful life right now and truly enjoy each other’s company on many levels. It’s brilliant and yes, rewarding. We do our best to look at each bump along the road as an opportunity for growth and to get emotionally closer and understand one another better.

Why do I choose non-monogamy?

Some of the biggies for me are:
–Freedom to love who I choose
–Sexual variety
–More emotional support
–I can enjoy different interests with different close intimates
–When one partner is busy, the other might be available
–I enjoy excitement and dislike boredom
–Personal growth
–Improve my communication skills and maneuvering through feelings
–Improve my ability to maintain my emotional well-being, instead of seeking it outside of myself
–Ability to create an “intentional family”
–Improve my time management as well as boundary setting skills
–An overflow of kisses, tenderness and affection with multiple people
–“The conversations are half the fun”. We laugh a lot.  🙂

Some of the drawbacks I/we have experienced are:
–Occasional bouts of negative emotions such as jealousy, anxiety or sadness over the loss of a lover (or a lover’s lover — we don’t like to see each other in pain)
–Occasional “dramatic” episodes with non-poly friendly folk who sometimes don’t respect or understand the existing relationships
–Loneliness or depression at feeling like an outcast or different from the average person
–Discrimination
–Dislike at having to “hide” my love and affection for someone in mixed company
–Unintentional “hurts” that we sometimes feel if we accidentally step on someone’s toes if a boundary was not make clear or was crossed
–Worrying about sexual safety and STD’s (we work around this with regular testing, safe sex practices and good communication)
–Extra “work” at keeping all of the communication lines open
–Finding where the “line” is between transparency and privacy can be challenging
–Learning how to feel secure while in open relationships can be challenging also
–Dealing with people who assume you are promiscuous and will have sex with them on the spot just because you are polyamorous and/or in an open marriage (this will be the subject of a future blog post. Stay tuned).

For us, the pros outweigh the cons. And also, this is simply who I am: a polyamorous married woman. I am proud of who I am. And I will continue to do what feels right to me. Life is a wonderful journey. I am learning every step of the way, and I will share it with whomever I like, including you fine readers. Thanks for listening. Sharing is caring.

Check out the article for more great information.
Brilliant!

http://www.franktalks.com/franktalkstransmonogamyarticle.pdf

Wishing you love, peace and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)

Kitty