Cheers Sexy People!
Oh Yeah! I’m very excited to share my latest podcast interview with educator and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, Samantha Manewitz of BeyondSafeWords. Samantha has given presentations to mental health professionals, sex educators, and alt-sex communities on healthy communication, abuse prevention, and mental health in BDSM across the globe. I personally had the good fortune of meeting her at this past year’s Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit last month when she gave a riveting presentation on Kink, Trauma, and Transformation. I found this session to be incredibly powerful as well as well-attended by some thoughtful conference goers with fantastic questions. Samantha did a truly amazing job of defining trauma in this session as she sees it, how many folks can possibly work through trauma via healthy avenues in kink, and what it looks like when this becomes NOT healthy. Samantha’s work is SO needed and valuable! I am thrilled that she is one of the champions for healthy sexual freedom and expression while she also works with folks dealing with real issues whether from their past or current experiences. Love her! Samantha, I am so proud of your work and want to personally cheer you on, and say a heartfelt “thank you” for the powerful, compassionate and amazing work that you do for our community and beyond.
Some topics we discuss in this educational, highly interesting, and cool interview:
— Trauma definition: the result when bad thing(s) happen over a period of time and has now altered the wiring of our brain to create Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). How our brains are trying to be helpful and protect us by activating our “fight, flight, freeze” limbic system part of our brain. How Samantha strongly believes we should not tell them someone how they should HEAL because it is disempowering. Otherwise we run the risk of re-victimizing that person.
— Trauma Re-enactment versus Trauma Mastery (using a car analogy of who is driving the car in each case).
— How Samantha had been shamed in the past in regards to her practice of non-monogamy and BDSM. Her therapist did not understand why she would want to experience pain (as a form of pleasure). As a result, she now offers workshops where she helps therapists differentiate between understanding healthy kink versus erroneously pathologizing their clients.
— Why and how Samantha offers compassionate, non-judgmental, and culturally competent care in her therapy practice.
— The energy shift she notices before and after she outs herself in various settings in an effort to help hammer home to clinicians that when you make disparaging comments about kink/BDSM, you not only alienate your clients, but you potentially alienate your co-workers as well.
— How Samantha was always the “odd one out” growing up, not necessarily related to her sexuality, and how she identifies as “fluid” today.
— How we both loved the movie Secretary, yet she did not realize that had anything to do with her sexuality at the time. It was an awakening moment for her.
— We discuss healthy kink versus abusive kink, how she incorporates Gottman Method in her couples therapy, and how their views on kink make her “want to punch things”. How healthy BDSM is meant to bolster the “sound relationship house”, whereas abusive kink can look like gatekeeping, shaming our partner’s needs, and using the “one true label.”
— How many of her clients struggle with various forms of jealousy. She notices four categories of jealousy popping up in her work (solvable issue, your own person shit, ongoing issues with no clean resolution, and hard limit / deal breakers).
— Samantha also offers workshops on boundaries and communicating those boundaries. She wants to be like Brené Brown when she grows up. 🙂 We discuss how it can be difficult to communicate a need or a boundary, and how safe words do not “fix” everything. Often particularly females are shamed for stating a need or saying “no”. How it is helpful to find the courage to defend our boundaries, which can be simple but really fucking hard.
— We touch on the “drama triangle”, how we occasionally do not “deal with our shit”, and then we may unintentionally damage other people and relationships. We can hold others accountable for the way it impacts us, but remember we can’t do the work for anybody else. Trauma can explain but does not excuse behavior. Samantha loves the concept of “choosing discomfort over resentment” ala Brené Brown.
Here are some BONUS links that Samantha would like to share with you for further learning, instruction, and health:
Samantha’s media page with links to her webinars under “teaching samples:”
A link to Samantha’s “Working with Kinky Clients” class:
A link to Samantha’s “Sex and Trauma” class:
Her recent “Sexual Power Exchange” ISEE Workshop (this is designed for folks with ALL levels of BDSM experience):
Thank you Samantha, for being so awesomely generous with your time, for your sex positive work in the BDSM/kink space, and for sharing your wisdom and insights with us via the podcast interview! It was enlightening, energetic, and so fun! Follow Kait’s work and adventures at beyondsafewords.com, and on Twitter and Facebook @beyondsafewords. Lastly feel free to email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
To hear the podcast, go to the Podcast link here and subscribe to the Loving Without Boundaries podcast, and check out Episode 91 with Samantha. Also, please help spread awareness of alternative lifestyles and create more tolerance for consensual non-monogamy in the world at large by Rating and Reviewing the Loving Without Boundaries podcast in iTunes. It only takes a few minutes.
If you would like to be interviewed either in written form or via audio on the podcast, please feel free to contact me and we will set something up. Thank you!
EXCLUSIVE CONTENT OFFER – We continue to have some exciting goings on here at Loving Without Boundaries (LWB). We now have exclusive content for you via the LWB podcast and my Patreon page for those who choose to become a patron. Please visit the link to check out how you can come join the party over at Patreon! Want to hear more from our amazing interviewees? You got it! Want to dig deeper into the community and your fellow poly folk? Right on, let’s do it! Want free coaching sessions? It’s all there! Come join us, and enjoy exclusive content made just for you, our patrons of this work!
NOTE: Soon I will be offering a monthly group “hangout” and coaching call for all of our podcast patrons at any level that are above $1 a month. If you are supporting the podcast, I am supporting you on your journey. Come join us and meet like-minded folks on the same journey you are!
1) Free LWB Facebook Group for Healthy, Sex Positive, Open Relationships — Ready to explore healthy, deeply connected (and virtually jealousy-free) open relationships? It’s all possible – especially when surrounded by a community of people already doing it. Many in newly open relationships experience roller coaster emotions of jealousy, insecurity, and feel alone on their journey. That’s why I created this free Facebook group where people are coming together to share actionable tips for succeeding in multiple loving relationships, explore deeper love, and find mutual understanding and support. There’s an abundance of rock star information posted in the group daily by our amazing members. We create a safe place to engage that’s fun and thrilling! Click here and request to join our free group!
2) Beyond The Love (BTL) (Columbus, Ohio), November 9–11, 2018 — Beyond The Love is a 3-day polyamory convention in Columbus, Ohio, held yearly. They are in our sixth year and focus on education, workshops, social activities, meeting other polyamory people, and fun! From their website: “Falling in love is the easy part. But what happens after that? Beyond The Love’s mission is to provide an opportunity for the polyamorous community to come together in an educational and social forum. At Beyond the Love you will find a wealth of classes, workshops and mini events to learn tools, techniques and communication skills to enhance our poly relationships. We provide a safe environment for meeting with other like-minded people in a supportive and inclusive community. We welcome all those living a poly lifestyle or considering doing so. We are passionate about recognizing poly as a relationship choice and sharing common experiences on our many different paths. We hope you’ll join us and share yours!” NOTE: I will not only be presenting two workshops at BTL, I will also be the Keynote Speaker Friday night! Come join us at this fun polyamorous conference!
See you on the flip side, lovely community! Keep being brave, compassionately vulnerable, and uniquely and authentically you!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)
Need more specific help aligning your relationships with who you are?
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