Cheers Sexy People!
After much collaboration, coordination, traveling and resolving tech issues, I am pleased as punch to bring you our latest podcast interview – Part One and Part Two (to come) – with the super smart, highly interesting, and beautiful Dedeker Winston! She is the author of her kickass and highly informative book “Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory” which I absolutely LOVE! Dedeker worked incredibly hard over the course of two years to put this masterpiece of awesome together for us all to enjoy. Tons of research, interviews that have spanned across the entire globe, and months and months of writing each well-thought out chapter went into this masterpiece! I’m highly impressed both with the concept of this book – focusing on empowering women and collecting interviews globally for added-value – and the discipline and execution that Dedeker put towards this mission. Way to go, Dedeker!
I recently got back from a several week West Coast America Tour I’m calling it, and that is when I was able to capture this remarkable interview from my hotel room. Dedeker and I both had super busy schedules, so we managed to record this interview, thanks to the kind help of fellow podcaster Dedeker, from my hotel room remotely. Please forgive my not optimal sound quality as I was having technical difficulty getting my mic to work with my laptop while traveling on the road. My IT guy – errrr, my boyfriend – was off at work at the time and Dedeker and I were left to our own ingenious devices using superpowers to capture this lovely and fun exchange for all of your listening enjoyment.
In this interview, we discuss Dedeker’s relationship background, her epiphanies along the way, the origin of the Wonder Woman character and how that relates to polyamory, concepts and discoveries from the book, and what it was like for Dedeker to interview fabulous woman around the globe. We also discuss how Dedeker and I have MUCH in common, though on slightly different timelines. I have mad appreciation and enthusiasm for Dedeker’s work, including her writing, relationship coaching, and podcasting towards our collective mission of helping create amazing relationships for all – even when coloring outside of the box of traditional relationship structures. Dedeker, you TOTALLY ROCK, lady! Keep going! I am cheering you on every single step of the way on this great journey we are on, sister! Hellz to the yeah!
Here are some of my favorite quotes from Dedeker’s book, “Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory”:
ON MONOGAMOUS vs. POLYAMOROUS RELATIONSHIPS
In a world where you’re either single or taken, a faithful partner or a rotten cheater, it is difficult for non-monogamous women to find acknowledgment, tolerance, and understanding.
Polyamory defies the rules of standard relationships, but has not yet become widely known or accepted, leaving poly and non-monogamous folks open to all kinds of interpretations. Some misinterpretations can be offensive, some are downright comical, and many highlight exactly what an alternative relationship isn’t. Some people perceive the very existence of polyamory to be a threat to their own practice of monogamy and may make some nasty comparisons, all in the name of distinguishing the in-group from the out-group.
Monogamy is just one relationship structure out of many possible choices, but for a long time it has been foisted on us as the only choice. Those seeking otherwise have been ostracized, punished, shamed, and seen as deviant.
So you’ve waded your way through self-awareness inquiries, communication workshops, personal development, finding quality partners, negotiating agreements, figuring out your boundaries, taming your twinges of jealousy, navigating scheduling conflicts, gracefully diverting horrified reactions to your lifestyle, and explaining your relationships to your parents for the fiftieth time. Welcome to polyamory! It’s easy to think, “Why did I get into this in the first place?”
It takes work to keep all of the plates spinning, but many have discovered that the joy and satisfaction found on the other side is worth far more than the cost of admission. If non-monogamy resonates with you, there are few words to describe the fulfillment to be found when your inner desires are congruous with your outer life.
…At any given time, your relationships give you the flexibility to seek whatever it is you need, and in abundance as well. There is not just an abundance of affection, attention, and love, but an abundant potential to find fulfillment even as your needs for those things change. For this reason, long-distance relationships are particularly suited to polyamory. Being out of close physical proximity with a loved one may not be ideal. But if both of you have the freedom to meet your needs for attention, affection, and sex with a variety of people, the cost and stress of maintaining a long-distance relationship is drastically reduced.
All good relationships require the participants to have a sense of agency. We jokingly make references to who “wears the pants” in a given relationship, but effective romantic relationships require a collaboration and synthesis of multiple individuals’ needs. In order to have your needs met, you must have the agency to act and to express yourself: to ask your partner for the things you need, to lend your voice in decision making, to be an active participant in your relationships. No one wants to be silenced, disregarded, or disempowered. Even in 24/7 Dom/sub relationships, it’s still necessary for the submissive to have a say in the structure of the relationship and be able to voice his consent.
People whose lives require that most of their time and energy be dedicated to work or children, or people who cannot be in close physical proximity to their partners, often turn to polyamory as a flexible solution…The polyamorous are also particularly adept at maintaining agency when a relationship is not working: when someone’s needs are not getting met, when interest or attraction has faded, or when the participants have simply grown in different directions. While this usually warrants a breakup or divorce in monogamous circles, polyamory allows for flexibility.
ON MONO/POLY RELATIONSHIPS
Effective mono/poly relationships require both partners to strive for near-unconditional love for each other, which is difficult for any human being. There has to be a baseline of full acceptance; each partner must be willing to accept each other exactly as they are, without any hidden desires to change the other person. And both have to be willing to endure considerable growing pains as each person tries on individual compromises. It is possible to have a mono/poly relationship, but bear in mind that it requires willingness on both sides to endure lengthy negotiation, processing, and discomfort.
ON SQUISHY, SOFT, FLEXIBLE LOVE
Human hearts are tender, squishy things. If your interest is in finding multiple love relationships, establishing strict hierarchy is the equivalent of shoving other people’s hearts into cookie cutter shapes, and putting up barbed wire fences keeping them at bay. In order to love, our hearts need softness, flexibility, and careful handling (and the occasional padded room).
Thank you Dedeker, for being so awesomely generous with your time, for all of the hard work and diligence creating the amazing “Smart Girl’s Guide to Polyamory” book, and for sharing your thoughts, wisdom and insights with us via the podcast interviews Part One and Part Two (to come)! It was extraordinary, inspirational, and so fun! Follow her adventures at DedekerWinston.com, at her podcast Multiamory, and find her book at Amazon and Barnes and Nobles bookstores near you!
To hear the podcasts, go to the Podcast link here and subscribe to the Loving Without Boundaries podcast, and check out Episodes 56 and 57 with Dedeker Winston. Also, please help spread awareness of alternative lifestyles and create more tolerance for consensual non-monogamy in the world at large by Rating and Reviewing the Loving Without Boundaries podcast in iTunes. It only takes a few minutes.
If you would like to be interviewed either in written form or via audio on the podcast, please feel free to contact me and we will set something up. Thank you!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)