Cheers Sexy People!
The time has finally come… after performing post-breakup soul searching, doing MORE research on why people cheat, enjoying some quality time with my amazing husband as well as lots of ME time to make sure my self-esteem is intact, I have ventured back out into the dating world. Not just any dating world – the dating world as a polyamorous married woman. The last time – and actually only time – I did that was about four years ago. That’s as long as it takes to get a typical college degree! (and earning a college degree seemed like an eternity, as well as a really long amazing party!!! I have pictures to prove it – but I, um… have a questionable perm in all of them. Eek!). 🙂
When the Big Breakup (and discovery of multiple infidelities) happened, I had no desire to date for quite awhile. Also, I knew that a smart woman would take some much needed time to heal and recover before subjecting myself onto someone else. I gave myself three months. I thought that was a “smart” and practical amount of time. After about 2.5 months, a friend helped me realize that I was actually becoming a bit bored and feeling some ennui about my life – which kind of shocked me! I’m quite the busy girl with alot going on! But just being busy and thankfully enjoying what I do for a living apparently isn’t me living life at full throttle and 100% alive. That conversation helped me realize that I was READY! Besides, even if I went to an online dating site, I wouldn’t meet anyone in person for a few weeks anyway – thus THREE MONTHS ACHIEVED! I could totally live with that.
One of my good friends found her current (married and polyamorous) partner of 1.5 years online at OKCupid. Back then she had explained to me that there was some fancy way that you could say you were “available” even though when you fill out the profile, you could list as being in a relationship or married for example. It sounded complicated at the time – like you had to hack the code or something. 🙂 I was pleasantly surprised when I went to OKCupid and there was plain as day a “monogamous” or “non-monogamous” selection. Then within that, you could select “strictly” or “mostly” to indicate severity of your choice. Nice! That’s not too bad! So I selected “married” and “mostly non-monogamous”, and I was off to the races!
It’s been an interesting (and not boring) two weeks or so on OKCupid. Everything that I ever learned about online dating is all flooding back to me. Ahhhh, the memories. You see, I am a pioneer in online dating having started back in the ancient days of 1996. My first (serial monogamous) online relationship lasted four years. With that success, I kept going. I met my husband on match.com in 2003 and met my boyfriend on a dating site as well. Success after success! Even with the breakup, I don’t believe my first polyamorous relationship was a failure at all – I learned oodles, we created many fond memories together, both of our lives are better for having known each other, and we had a ton of fun together. Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the ride!
Though I’m happy that it seems OKCupid has evolved to at least hint at polyamory over the years, there is still alot to be desired. Many profiles don’t list any relationship status at all let alone “monogamous” or “non-monogamous” (because it’s not required), thus you have no idea if they are open to polyamory or not, or if they are partnered or not. And of course you also have no idea if the people behind the profiles are practicing relationships ethically or with integrity. It’s a big guess! Cross your fingers! Any many people never read YOUR profile at all or your details where you list your preferences either! They just ogle your pic, and if you look even remotely human, you get “hey pretty. wanna meet me for a drink? ur hot.” Those are exceptionally tasty morsels to receive (that was sarcasm in case it’s not clear). Delete! If they write me repeatedly after I have not responded (BTW News Alert: there is no way to respond to every single message that a woman receives – there isn’t enough time to manage that as men outnumber women!), then they get blocked. If someone doesn’t respond to you on a dating site, it either means “no thanks” or “I haven’t decided yet – please be patient” or “I’m so busy that I have not even read your message yet! Again, patience please, bruthah!” … I hope that advice helps some would-be suitors out there.
And here’s a big tip for the fellas! If you get to the point of sharing (convos and) photos offline from OKCupid, note that if a woman wants to see your penis pic, she will ask for it! No Unsolicited Penis Pics! And I for one will NEVER ask for a penis pic! (and I’m betting alot of other woman would not either). Keep that thing in your pants and away from your camera for now, guys. Don’t ruin the surprise for the ladies if you ever get to that point. Anticipation and build up is half of the fun! Relax! Go watch some porn if you need to!
So what has been the outcome on this adventure so far? Well, after I spent way more time than I would like explaining polyamory, my relationship status, how I got to where I am now with my marriage, and answered many more questions by those with only a limited understanding of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy – I had three dates.
Date #1 – Nice guy. Great (as well as deep) conversation. No fireworks upon first meeting. I’d see him again to explore further. I think he may have been a bit nervous. I know I was.
Date #2 – Flat. Out. Awful. Came off as a sleezy guy in person, and spoke like a sleezy, unethical guy in person (but was very respectful and classy prior to that in earlier exchanges…. hmmm… it’s a trap!). He also tried to grope me all night until I had to practically scream at him to get off of me and go home. Then… get this… he sent me a penis pic the next day! Doh!
Date #3 – Absolutely. Freaking. Fantastic. Now I will admit this third date is NOT someone that I found on OKCupid. It is an old friend that I met in an online forum several years ago. We had lost touch but recently reconnected. And this was our first face to face meeting. Nice bit of (hard-earned) luck! Getting to know someone through email first can help establish a great friendship, which helped. What happens next remains to be seen.
And the excitement will continue, and I will continue to learn and meet new people. OKCupid and online dating is a bit like a “people zoo” if you will where you get to watch and learn, ask questions and see what makes people tick. Eventually if you keep at it, you may even find someone awesome. After all, sometimes life is like a series of experiments. Sometimes the experiments are on yourself! How much online dating can you tolerate?! How many new people can you meet in a week? I think three is my limit. What an adventure though!
As I am going through this experience, it has me thinking quite a bit about the process of polyamory and ethical non-monogamy being more accepted into society. How long will it take? What is blocking that to happen besides the obvious pressure of heteronormative traditional monogamy being so prevalent in society? A friend recently shared the below article with me. It gives me great pleasure to share it with you:
So I have a question: Do you think the world needs a quality ethical non-monogamy dating website? Perhaps one that covers both those who are polysexual as well as polyamorous (but that would be a required item to select on your profile so there is no guessing). I know openminded.com and kotango.com exist but they are both fairly new I believe. Has anyone here used them effectively? What do you think? Discuss! 🙂
Wishing you peace, love and happiness!
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)