Cheers Sexy People!
Last week, I regaled you with stories of my worst coming out ever. Upon being “out”d” at a party that I was throwing for my husband, my newer friend felt very out of sorts and proceeded to get rather upset and fled the party! It was a bit of a clusterfuck. I am happy to say that shortly after I wrote that post, I received an email from that friend that was positive, and she let me know that she wanted to smooth things over and get back to enjoying our friendship. Whew! What a relief!
Later that week, we had a GREAT conversation over some fish tacos and wine. Some of what I learned surprised me, and in an effort to help anyone who might find themselves in a similar situation, here is what I learned about why she got so upset:
- She felt left out, like the “last to know” – There was an element of feeling embarrassed. She started looking around the party thinking I’m the only one here who is “square” and doesn’t know. I explained that in fact that wasn’t true. There were several of our neighbors who we are not that close to that we simply felt didn’t need to know, or we frankly just didn’t feel like putting in the effort to tell them.
- She was uncomfortable about feeling “recruited” – As my poly friends were “outting” us, my newer friend started to feel like she was being recruited to this lifestyle unwillingly, and she didn’t like that feeling. Just like one’s religious beliefs, I believe she was thinking “Please don’t shove your ideas down my throat, thank you very much!”
- She is a shy person who was already going “out on a limb”, so this put her over the edge – She said that she was quite shy, and her both deciding to come to our party and just showing up at all was a big deal. She had been looking forward to the party and dipping her toe into the pool of trying to be more outgoing. And this event made her feel unsafe and a bit shocked, after she had stepped out of her shell.
- She thought perhaps she had said something to offend me over recent months, and that’s why I had not “come out” to her previously – She was worried that perhaps it was something that she had said that kept me from “coming out” to her on my own earlier. This made her feel badly and awkward. I explained that though alot of the people at the party did know our relationship status, in many cases, it took me years to tell them (after I went through a mid-life identity crisis or after I got closer to them as friends and felt “safe” myself).
As we were talking, one of her questions I found quite amusing. She asked me “how did I get everyone to ‘go along with it.’” I thought this was a bit hilarious because it was after I had taken great care to explain how for me, being polyamorous was somewhat akin to being gay – meaning it is simply who I am. I thought she got that – though I was just speaking for myself – that’s how many people feel about it. I explained that the others in my poly family already were “this way” when I met them – that it was akin to like finding like – one polyamorous person meeting another. I didn’t have to talk anyone into this. It’s just who we are. I said that being polyamorous is not an easy life or an easy choice to make. So why would anyone choose to make their lives HARDER? We are polyamorous because we just ARE. I mean… I choose this life, but it also chose me.
I also explained that there are indeed people out there who are trying to convince their partner to open their relationship, and one person may be trying to bring their partner along, often unwillingly. That just simply wasn’t the case for me. Polyamorous is who I am, and who my partners are, and none of us plan to change that relationship status anytime soon or ever. I’m also loud (via this blog anyway) and proud! Creating awareness is half of the battle in more tolerance and acceptance and love for one another. Are we really all that much different from each other? We all want love, acceptance and happiness, as well as a fulfilling life, right? What do you think on any of this?
Lastly, a special request came in to my inbox…
There is a potential new polyamory book series coming out by a woman (PolyMom) who is part of a polyamorous triad. The series will include books on subjects such as jealousy, poly parenting, blending families, mono/poly relationships, triad relationships and much more. She is currently looking for poly / mono people who date poly people to complete some surveys about their experiences with polyamory. The goal is to collect data and stories of experiences in your own words to include (anonymously if you wish) in her book(s). She doesn’t want her books just to be a definition type of resource, but have them include actual first-hand advice from many different poly people. I would like to welcome you to share your story and complete the following survey:
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)