Cheers Sexy People!
I am happily writing you from London where the hubs and I are traveling, having a 1.5 week leisurely trip (OK, some business too, but not much) visiting friends and family. We are having a splendidly AWESOME time. We just landed here last night from Edinburgh, Scotland where we spent five days. WOW! Put that on your bucket list if you like castles, history, gorgeous scenery and don’t mind the weather being somewhat unpredictable (but it was mostly fantastic for us with gusty, refreshing winds). The best way I can describe it is it’s as if you walked onto a Penny Dreadful or Harry Potter glorious set, except that it’s REAL, and thus so much cooler! Even though it scared me a bit to do so, we dared ourselves to walk down alleys where you absolutely could picture Frankenstein or Jack The Ripper attacking you down the dark, antique, history-laden corridors. Just fascinating and magical…
But I digress. The point of this story today is that I find it interesting that on this trip, I have put myself “back in the closet.” I have been pretending that I am a monogamous, heteronormative, traditional woman. Why you ask? Well, partly due to my surroundings, partly by the company we are keeping, and partly because it is simply easier to do so, and I’m on vacation and would like to take life in a breezy, easy fashion, and not try to blow people’s minds unnecessarily, and in an un-invited way. People generally prefer things that they can understand, that make them feel comfortable. Our hosts (friends and family) are graciously putting us up in their homes, feeding us yummies, letting us do our “stanky” laundry, and giving us a close-up glimpse of their proper, British lives. It does not seem the time to rock their worlds, telling them information that they are not ready to hear, completely disrupting their vision of what’s normal, sane and lovely in their world. What’s the point? It’s just a short (but glorious and well-needed) trip.
Take our Scottish hosts. They have been married for 15 years, having had a lovely Edinburgh, traditional wedding of which my husband (then a dashing younger man with a wild heart, making the ladies swoon) was a guest. (Oh, were those photos funny to look at! That wild HAIR and I-know-something-you-don’t-know grin). The wife, one of my husband’s dearest friends, gave the toast at our wedding nine years ago. This is the first time that we have seen them since. Is it possible that we don’t have to wait another nine years to see them again? Perhaps. But this trip was not the time to blast them with tales of our polyamorous life. It was simply easier to say that the man who lives with us who is taking care of our kittehs and home is a close friend and a tenant. Call me a coward if you like. But that’s not what this is. It’s simply a decision that we made not to tell them about our “other life”, not now anyway. It just wasn’t the right time, or the right situation, or the right audience. Decision made. Let’s just enjoy “second breakfast”, another shot of whiskey (well, they can, not me, the smell makes me shudder. Ew! 🙂 ) and go take spectacular pictures of another castle together and enjoy the view. If we do spend more time with them later in life, might we tell them? Perhaps. Only time will tell.
Our hosts in London are my husband’s family: His only brother, his wife and their two children (aged 8 and 11). The hubs has made a very conscious decision to never tell his brother and sister-in-law EVER about our polyamorous inclinations, because not only will they not understand, but they will not approve. It quite possibly could get ugly, and might even cause an estranged relationship between them, or result in no relationship at all. They are what I would describe as extremely traditional, conservative, proper and rather straight and narrow. Mind you, they are lovely people. But I not only respect my husband’s right NOT to “come out” to them, but I also respect their space to not be told. Honestly, I don’t think they would want to know anyway. It’s just not what people in their circles talk about, and I don’t think they want to think of us “that way.” I honestly think it might gross them out, confuse them, or worse, they might look down on us, or think we are completely kookoo. Who needs that? And again, we only see them once every few years. I’m pretty certain that my boyfriend would be bored to tears in their company anyway, so no loss there. As I like to say often, “it is what it is”, meaning, I think it’s much better to accept reality than to fight and struggle against it.
What does prove to be difficult as it has been on other family trips – is not so much the occasional denying that I have a boyfriend in the first place – it is simply just how much I miss him. I guess it does prove more difficult that I cannot talk out loud about how much I miss him (except to my husband a bit). But more, it’s mainly the time away. Most traditional families get to travel as a family. The three of us (or our extended polycule) have never as of yet traveled as a family unit, openly. And I wonder if we ever will. I hope we do, but who knows, eh? Families tend to travel together to take care of one another and enjoy each other’s company. In our case, we had to leave my boyfriend behind both because he had work to do at home, and he is helping take care of our family by playing uncle to our two feline kitties. But also because it would not be acceptable for him to travel with us “as a family” on this trip. Maybe we could have said, “he’s our good friend, can he sleep on your couch?” But still, that seems odd, not good somehow, inauthentic and somewhat disrespectful to me. So, let’s just not go there at all, shall we? It’s a strange existence sometimes… this double life that we lead on occasion.
I am really trying to live an authentic life… be as “real” as I can be with more and more people that I care about. I know there are some in my life that I am more “real” with than others, partly because there are some parts of my life (like the polyamorous stuff) that not everyone sees, because not everyone understands, as I described above. I prefer to be as close to 100% authentic as possible as something to strive for. And I CHOOSE to be authentic and real with all of you here in our community all of the time.
How about you, my friends? Do you find that you are sometimes leading a double life? Do you have to hide parts of yourselves from others, whether you like it or not? And do you get to really thrive and enjoy those relationships where you can be 100% who you truly are, all of the time? Does that feel like a breath of fresh air to you, and quite a relief? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)