Cheers Sexy People,
Do you sometimes feel super connected with someone sometimes, but other times not at all? Is that confusing to you?
After the “honeymoon phase” has worn off, do you ever wonder where the love went? How do you get back that “in love” joyous feeling?
I think we’ve all been there, right? We all want our relationships to be amazing, loving, compassionate with lots of fun thrown in. And sometimes they are. But what about the bumps and grinds (not the sexy ones – get your mind out of the gutter – but those are sure fun too!)? What about when you feel you might have “lost that loving feeling”? How do you get it back? Is it some mystical thing that we have no control over? Or do we….?
Since I have started my own business and now work from home, my boyfriend and I tend to be spending even more time around one another, while my husband is off at his day job. It is both a blessing and curse in a way, as I love the extra time with one of my loves, but I also have to be disciplined and get my work done, as does he (he partly works from home). But also, I have noticed that it can take a bit of extra work or awareness to keep those loving feelings going and keep appreciating each other well and often. If you only see a loved one once a week, naturally the time will be very special between the two of you. But what if you are around someone alot, whether you live with them part-time, full-time or what have you? Sometimes we can take each other for granted or start to speak harshly to one another out of familiarity.
Yesterday, as I was spending time with my boyfriend while he cooked for me (it’s a blessed life – both of my men cook for me!), as I thought we were having a pleasant conversation, he spoke just a bit harshly to me when I asked him a question or made a comment that he didn’t like. Being human, I immediately got my back up both times and loving words went out the window for a minute or two. As I stewed over this, and was getting my lecture ready about “I don’t like when you speak to me harshly and here’s why, and this is how we’re going to fix it” which was all about ME and MY NEEDS, I reflected and tried to think of everything that I had learned. I thought of “I Need Your Love: Is That True?” where we are taught to ask ourselves four questions. One question in this situation might be: “Is my boyfriend trying to hurt me with his words?” The answer is definitely no. He is NOT trying to intentionally hurt me. Only I have the power to feel hurt. It is my thoughts that create that. Not him. Another question might be: “Did he have any reason to get edgy with me?” Yes, he didn’t like the way I misconstrued something he said, and it annoyed him, and he candidly let me know that. Point taken. My bad.
What I also remembered was the book and lessons I learned reading The 5 Love Languages. This book is absolutely fascinating and can be LIFE CHANGING and certainly very eye-opening. I HIGHLY recommend this book. It ascertains that when analyzed there are generally speaking five “love languages” that we all speak to each other. And that each of us has a favorite for most of our life: one main way that we prefer the most to have love expressed to us. We also can have a secondary love language as well. And on the flip side, our partners have their own love language that is their preference. Where the fun begins is when your love language and your partner(s) don’t match up. And where the REAL fun begins is then add in multiple relationships!
Let’s take a look. Here is a listing of the five love languages with brief descriptions:
Words of Affirmation – This language uses words to affirm other people.
Acts of Service – For these people, actions speak louder than words.
Receiving Gifts – For some people, what makes them feel most loved is to receive a gift.
Quality Time – This language is all about giving the other person your undivided attention.
Physical Touch – To this person, nothing speaks more deeply than appropriate touch.
So after reading the book, I think that my main love language is Words of Affirmation, with my secondary one being Physical Touch. BUT my boyfriend’s primary is probably Acts of Service (remember he likes to cook for me all the time) and Quality Time (all the time he spends with me cooking for me, haha, but also he loves “undivided attention”). So if my boyfriend speaks to me a bit harshly, it brushes ME the wrong way partly because that is the OPPOSITE of my preferred love language. But I realized as I was stewing, that I was watching him lovingly prepare me the most amazing meal (of which I had leftovers of for lunch today while he was at work, and I just sent him a loving note telling him so… because my love language is Words of Affirmation. See how that works?). But thankfully, in the moment yesterday, I remembered about how our love languages are different. Also, I realized that when I misconstrued what he said and annoyed him, it’s partly because HE didn’t think he had my “undivided attention” because he loves “Quality Time”. And thus I decided to smile, and watch him prepare me an amazing meal, and appreciate that gift that he gave me of his time and effort. And we had a lovely time later when he, my husband and I all went out to our favorite watering hole around the corner.
For comparison, part of the reason my husband and I get along so easily without hardly having to work at it at all is because I think we probably have the same two main love languages – thus we speak each other’s unspoken languages. See how THAT works? This stuff is fascinating. Here’s an excerpt from the website:
Why do you think The 5 Love Languages has been so successful?
I believe that our deepest emotional need is the need to feel loved. If we are married, the person we would most like to love us is our spouse. If we feel loved by our spouse, the whole world is bright and life is wonderful. On the other hand, if we feel rejected or ignored, the world begins to look dark.
Most couples get married when they still have the euphoric feelings of being in love. When the euphoric feelings evaporate some time after the wedding and their differences begin to emerge, they often find themselves in conflict. With no positive plan for resolving conflicts, they often find themselves speaking harshly to each other. Harsh words create feelings of hurt, disappointment, and anger. Not only do they feel unloved, but they also begin to resent each other.
When couples read The 5 Love Languages, they discover why they lost the romantic feelings of courtship and how emotional love can be rekindled in their relationship. Once they begin speaking each other’s primary love language, they are surprised to see how quickly their emotions turn positive. With a full love tank, they can now process their conflicts in a much more positive manner and find solutions that are workable. The rebirth of emotional love creates a positive emotional climate between the two of them and they learn to work together as a team—encouraging, supporting, and helping each other reach meaningful goals.
Once this happens, they want to share the message of the five love languages with all of their friends. Every year since its first publication, the book has sold more than it did the year before. I believe the success of The Five Love Languages can be attributed to the couples who have read it, learned to speak each other’s language, and recommended it to their friends.
How about you? Have you read this book? Did it impact your life in a positive way? Would you recommend it? If you like this book, maybe consider giving it to a loved one(s) this holiday season as a gift (maybe their love language is Receiving Gifts!)
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)