Cheers Sexy People!
I’ve missed you! Thanks for your patience. Today is day three of my newfound freedom being my own boss, being more and more authentic every single day, taking this life and ROCKING it! I love my life and I love writing to all of you! Writing this blog makes me happy, and I thank you very sincerely for coming along on this journey with me, and reading my posts on my unusual, ethically non-monogamous travels.
Recently, I had an unfortunate experience that I wanted to share with you as I assume others have had the same experience and can relate. When we “come out” to our friends and family, some of the fear and apprehension that we feel is fear of the unknown. How will our friends react? Will they reject us? Will they argue with us about the “wrongness” of what we are doing? Will they “talk smack” about us behind our backs? Will they ever so slowly back away because they don’t want to be around what they don’t understand? Obviously, we all hope that they will love, respect and accept us and our off-the-beaten-path-but-still-ethical choices. One thing that I fear is people misconstruing the situation – meaning make assumptions about what being polyamorous and sex positive truly means. Will they make the assumption that I am a sex addict, and I will have sex with anything that moves and / or I have no morals? Will they think of me as a diseased slut? Will they fear that I will try to hit on THEM, male or female?
Well, one of these issues came to pass for me recently. A friend of mine whom I came out to as polyamorous over two years ago made a blatant pass at me / hit on me / touched me inappropriately when I was in a vulnerable place, and while my husband (and the perpetrator’s spouse) were asleep. It was unwelcome. It was without consent. It was wrong. And it was completely uncool. And it made me very, VERY angry.
I would like to set the record straight here for anyone reading this.
Just because someone is polyamorous, that does not mean:
… that they will have sex with YOU. They still CHOOSE who they will have sex with. They are simply open and honest about it (if sex is even involved AT ALL in a close intimate poly relationship. Some are emotional only, by the way).
… that they are joking when they say that it is OPEN and HONEST, thus all parties know what is happening relationship-wise. That means that when your non-poly wife is asleep, not around, or otherwise not in-the-know, that we will not have sex with you. YOU are cheating on your wife. And that is not cool with an ethically, non-monogamous / polyamorous person who is doing relationships “above board.”
… that they wear a sign that says “please touch me inappropriately whenever you want.” Polyamory is about CONSENT and ETHICS, and sure maybe sex with someone that we choose, probably that we love and want to have a sexual and / or romantic relationship with. Just because we tend to be sex positive people, that does not mean that we want to have sex with ALL OF YOU people out there or that we are promiscuous. Are there some polyamorous people out there who are promiscuous? Sure, just like there are monogamous people that are promiscuous, teenagers that are promiscuous, single people that are promiscuous, etc. It is inaccurate, impolite and inappropriate to assume that a polyamorous person is promiscuous and will have sex with every Tom, Dick or Harry (or Jane, Janet and Mary).
… that if you approach them inappropriately when one or all of their significant others are not around, that they will fool around with you. Um, that’s CHEATING! And the advances will be DISCUSSED out loud with our partners… as in “watch out for that asshole” and “I got your back” type of talk, just like a monogamous person would.
… that if they are sex positive, like to talk openly about sex, write blogs about sex, or take care of their bodies and like to dress in flattering, sexy clothes, that they want to have sex with YOU. Again, see earlier points.
… that they will hit on you. Do we find multiple people attractive and are allowed to say it out loud, and not offend our partners? Sure, but we are being ethical about it. Even if I find someone hot, sexy, appealing, loving and I would maybe welcome having a romantic or sexual relationship with them someday, I will respect other’s boundaries and other’s monogamous relationships. I might have a sexual fantasy about you, and not tell you about it. But hey, it’s my fantasy, I can do whatever I want with it, just like you can. Let me have my fun. 🙂
After this incident happened, I was also angry in general that I was put into this place where I had to give someone whom I considered a friend (that I had confided in two years ago) the “smack down.” I don’t generally like confrontations. But I also have a lot of self respect, and am getting better and better about setting my own boundaries around myself. This is a boundary that apparently needs to be spelled out for my friend. We all deserve to feel “safe” around our friends, particularly when I was in a vulnerable moment (late nite, after a few glasses of wine, sleepy and relaxed). I decided the best thing for me to do to handle the situation was to write a direct, assertive email, one on one. I feared that I would never get around to talking about it in person, because it would be too awkward or too much time would pass, etc. So I was very direct, yet still kind.
In case it helps anyone out there, here is what I said:
I wanted to write to you privately about something (I figured email was best). I think that you have the wrong idea about something. And I want to set the record straight, so that we can move forward as better friends, and so I can feel “safe” around you, particularly when we are ever alone.
Obviously, you know that I am polyamorous, and that I am with [my husband] and [my boyfriend] simultaneously, as couples, and that I am “sex positive” overall. But that does not mean that I want to get sexual with everyone. I also am uncomfortable when I feel like you are making advances towards me when [your wife] is not around, like it is perhaps behind her back (but I am uncomfortable if she is around too. It’s inappropriate.)
I love you as a friend, and I like our long-lasting friendship overall, but I am not interested in you in a romantic or sexual way. We are just close friends. It made me feel uneasy when you were making advances towards me when my defenses were down the other nite. And I didn’t like that, and don’t want it to happen again in the future. I hope you understand. I just wanted to talk about this “out loud” and get us on the same page. OK?
He wrote back very politely, apologized for his behavior and for “getting too comfortable” around me, and he said it will not happen again. Time will tell, my friends, time will tell. This was the second occurrence. He was VERY drunk the first time it happened so I wrote it off as a one time thing. Will there be a third? I hope not.
What do you think, readers? Will he do it again? Have you found yourself with a similar dilemma? Have people assumed that you were “easy” or “available to fool around with” because you are polyamorous or sex positive? Have you had to give someone close to you the “smack down”? How did it go? Do tell!
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too)