Cheers Sexy People!
I have had another week full of ups and downs. The earlier part of the week, I was feeling those nasty feelings of exclusion again, mainly at my job that I am leaving, feeling the clutch of fear around my neck as I let doubt creep in about if I am doing the right thing by leaving the security of this J.O.B. (which stands for Just Over Broke in some circles). But I am DOING IT ANYWAY, despite the fear. The future taste of freedom is just too sweet in my mouth to not take the leap. Then later in the week after my beau had another extended date with another… Later that evening, he and I were having “date nite”, I noticed a wet bikini that was not mine hanging in his bathroom. Wait, she’s leaving STUFF here now? Woah, things are escalating! Deep breaths, Kitty, deep breaths.
That nite, I decided: I’m a big girl. I need to get better at this compersion stuff. This girl is NICE. She seems SANE. She respects my relationship with my beau. Kitty, get a grip on yourself, for the love of God. And please don’t start another three hour talk with your beau to hash out any insecurities you are feeling. There is a bottle of champagne out there with strawberries, a naked man whom I adore, and a whole nite ahead of us. Don’t ruin it, woman! So instead we had a 30 second conversation where I acknowledged that I saw the bikini, partly because this whole UBER honesty thing and keeping things open is of high importance to me. Also, I know that if I don’t say something that is burning in my brain in SOME fashion, it will come out sideways later maybe in a not-so-nice way. Better to say it right away in a calm moment than let it fester. Instead of freaking out with a long, annoying conversation, I channeled the energy I was feeling into the sex we had. We made love in a very intense fashion, and I even cried through it as a way to release the emotions that I was feeling. And you know what? It was awesome. I got to work through my own feelings like a polyamorous, enlightened adult, learn how to channel that energy into something positive, and we both got to enjoy it. I think I really learned something here! I also upon reflection realized that I need to let go of my old fears… those fears that my beau is going to leave me for another. That some crazy monogamous minded women is going to try to steal him away and I need to get in FIGHT mode to protect my relationship. I need to let all that crap GO! I have to find my own happiness from within, trust myself, trust my relationships, trust that my beau is making good choices in the women that he chooses to date, and embrace the happy moments with all of my heart, express love, compassion and genuine interest in others and their well being, as well as my own. What a beautiful thought! And MUCH nicer than the nasty, icky thoughts based on fear and insecurity.
I put the quote here on this page:
Everything In Your Life Will Improve As Soon As Your Determination To Move Forward Is Stronger Than Your Reluctance To Let Go Of The Past
…on my Loving Without Boundaries Facebook page, and it started a lovely conversation between some of my followers. Some of the ideas were so good that I would love to share them with you here. One of my avid followers, JC wrote:
Fear is the defeater of moving on, of letting go for a better thing. At some point to make your life better, you need to face your fears and let go of that which holds you back.
With me it is an ongoing process, but to even start, it took the courage to really look within and to want to make a change in my life. Those two things came at their own speed. Many people, myself included, will often deal with the pain longer than necessary because of the fear of change. There is a time though that when looking within, I made the decision if I am to find happiness, I had to find it within and make the changes that make that possible, as well as look for happiness without. Without making those changes you can never truly find happiness, because you are then depending on others for your happiness. I’m not perfect and I still struggle with some of the concepts I have been learning over the past few years, and that is why I say I am still in the process toward happiness. The keys seem to be: Honesty with self and others, Courage to face your fears and make changes within and out, setting goals and setting yourself up for winning your goals, being good to yourself when things don’t work out and looking for ways to make it work…lol…there is more, but everyone will find their own work-around once they have started their process.
Well said, JC, you are learning and growing every day, as am I! And we support each other on our respective journeys, which is awesome!
Important Side Note: While you are letting go of the past and embracing your future, don’t forget to enjoy the present moment to the fullest, the PRESENT is a GIFT, to you and to me.
I am going to keep this blog post short because I am in the COUNTDOWN now of leaving my job. I have work to do to get out of here and start my next chapter. Instead of feeling fear (of the unknown, of potential loss of income, of losing my “title” at the office, of putting the duckie down), I feel an extraordinary amount of EXCITEMENT, of wanting this party to get started, of steering my own ship, of BEING AUTHENTIC. I plan to use my passion for love and life to help propel my business in the right direction, a direction that I am proud of. I will be and am: a blogger, a writer, a creative, an entrepreneur, a musician, a pole dancer, a lover of the human form, a passionate, polyamorous married woman. I am coming home to myself. And it feels wonderful.
How about you, dear readers? Where are you at on your journey? What fears are you letting go of? Which ones have your already dispelled? Inquiring minds want to know, including this gal, right here.
Instead of a link to a related article, today, I bring you this song brought to you by the letter P (Passenger):
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)