Cheers Sexy People,
Some thoughts for the day:
Decide once and for all that your mood, your sense of balance and well-being are your responsibility.
Decide that you are precious to yourself and that you are in charge of treating yourself well. BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND.
Decide that you love and honor yourself and repeat this [decision] as often as you need during the day.
We’re in the midst of winter here, and according to our groundhog Punxsutawney Phil, we have another six weeks of winter to go. I know some of us can get down in the dumps being cooped up behind four walls trying to stay warm for months at a time (helllooo, Canada!). From experience, I also know some of us are just down in the dumps in general when we are going through a rough patch in our lives, sometimes for extended periods of time. When I lost my pop to cancer, then my former rock band, then struggled with an infertility diagnosis, then lost my mom to cancer / old age ALL WHILE eventually sorting through revelations that I was polyamorous, and trying to figure out how to navigate that into my life (and all of the tough stuff that goes with it, such as “coming out” to your friends wondering if you will lose them too, many of whom are monogamous parents), let me tell you, I was down in the dumps ALOT. Sometimes I was also bitter, angry and resentful. Once I realized my poor negative mood, grief and depressing thoughts were starting to become a problem that was bigger than I could handle, I sought out therapy. I personally feel no stigma in seeking out a professional when one needs it. Just because I was über sad and grief-stricken, that did not mean I was “crazy” or should be ashamed of seeking help.
I stopped seeing a therapist well over a year ago because I got to a place where I felt strong enough to continue to heal myself, like I used to be able to. To be completely honest, at least one of the reasons I started this blog was a form of self-therapy, and you know what? This shit works! Sharing what I’ve learned, thinking out loud to you – my wonderful readers, and talking ideas and thoughts out with you fine folks is VERY therapeutic. Thanks all of you for helping lift my spirits and help me see how I can contribute to this wonderful, crazy world of ours. You guys rock! Doing this blog also helps me stick to my guns about who I am: a polyamorous, sexually liberated, married woman who believes in polyamory as a relationship style and choice that we should all be allowed to have without discrimination or shame.
I think we all have to remember that connecting with and loving others is part of what makes us human. We all need other human beings in our lives. It’s just finding a balance between having healthy relationships and not becoming co-dependent on others. For me, I was off and on in the dumps for six years, and I forced myself to slog through life and my normal activities anyway even when my heart wasn’t in it. That helped some just “acting” normal. Then after a while, I kept talking to other, unusual people.
Several months ago, I had an epiphany, partly from talking to some fellas I met through this blog and other social media (OK, it was FetLife). Sometimes talking to an impartial third party can really help you see things through new eyes. It helped give me perspective and I started looking at things differently. Then finally I realized that I was actually truly happy and hopeful again! Just like that! I had to pay attention to myself to notice. But I thought to myself… hey, my life is pretty darn good! Why don’t I focus on the GOOD stuff that I HAVE, instead of the BAD stuff and stuff that I DON’T HAVE. It’s that simple really. It’s really just a choice. But you have to be ready to make the choice. Sometimes that takes time and internal healing first. I started to think: this is my life, damn it and I want it to rock! I can sit here and feel sorry for myself, or I can go make a difference and CHOOSE to be freaking happy!
And a funny thing happened, I noticed my relationships starting to get better and better, including my polyamorous relationships with my husband and boyfriend. I think it is vital that we all have emotional support systems to help us through difficult times. But it is beneficial to keep in mind that it is possible to lean on our loved ones toooo much sometimes that it starts to strain those relationships. When that starts to happen, something has to change – whether it’s focusing on you healing yourself better, talking to other trusted friends to help lighten the load, or seeking help from a third party professional to help weather the storm instead of fracturing your precious relationships with those that you love who are closest to you.
I’ve been talking to a new friend lately who lives on the other side of the globe. She is going through a tough time, and she asked me: “how do you make your fragile “shell” harder without closing off your heart?” I gave it some thought, and I came up with a list of things that helped me during rough patches. I am also going to attach two different articles at the end here that have some great information.
Tips For How To Stay Strong and Positive (when you’re feeling crappy inside), While Still Keeping Yourself and Your Heart Open:
- Do things to pamper yourself… take a hot bath… get a pedicure… read a novel that helps you escape or inspire you… get a massage.
- Consider keeping a gratitude journal, where you write down 5 things every day that you are grateful for… every single day…. keep adding to it. When you don’t have the strength to add to it, read what you wrote previously.
- Watch inspiring movies that make you think, take you somewhere else, or that help you remember how good you have it… Remember, there is ALWAYS someone else that has it way worse than you. Keep your perspective.
- Do things that you are passionate about that make you happy. Go for a nature walk, listen to your favorite music, see a play, go to a museum… whatever makes you happy. Fill your soul with really good stuff.
- Do things that make you proud of yourself, like learning a new skill, cleaning out and reorganizing a closet, read a How To book about something that you are interested in. Cook something yummy!
- Help other people. Talk to someone who is down and comfort THEM. Send a birthday card or sympathy card to someone who needs it. Cook something for somebody else. Offer feedback and input on blogs such as this one to help other readers (and yours truly). 🙂
- LAUGH! Laugh as often as you possibly can. Go out to your local comedy club, talk to your funny friends, watch a comedian, look at life with a sense of humor, make fun of yourself if you can do it jovially.
- Try meditation or yoga. It helps clear and calm the mind, so that you can think better and problem-solve easier.
- Go work out and get those endorphins moving around, and get fit and healthy at the same time! Just working out at the gym makes me feel better… pretty much ALWAYS. Then finding my sport with pole fitness / dance helps me realize that I am strong, sexy, can always learn new skills… and I made a bunch of new, awesome friends on top of it all!
- When you just don’t think that you can heal yourself on your own, please don’t feel ashamed of going to seek help in the form of a therapist or psychologist. That is what they are there for… to help you when you need it. Go talk to them, after you have found one that you “jive” with.
I understand hurting so much that an emotionally wounded person might stop reaching out to people. Keep in mind though that this is a balancing act, as you also don’t want to isolate yourself too much as you go through this process, further pushing yourself down into the depths of despair. But when you are going through the worst of it, you have to take care of yourself ANY WAY you can. If that means holing up inside yourself sometimes to mend yourself, well, that’s what you have to do. Unless you throw yourself off a bridge, you CAN be mended. Don’t worry about that. But you do have to WANT to be mended. You might have to wait out the storm though. Be gentle with yourself during these times. Know that you are not alone, and remember to be your own best friend. And maybe try some of my suggestions above. You will dance again. Have faith in yourself that you will get through it. You will come out the other side wiser, stronger and smarter for having gone through it.
Here are the two articles that I promised you:
Self-Help Tips for Improving Your Mood
How To Become A Secure Person
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)