Cheers Sexy People!
A fellow blogger recently posted about the decision to “come out” as polyamorous to friends and family. There were many questions, and a lively discussion broke out around the topic. I knew at some point I would write about this, so why not now? The decision to come out or not is a difficult one full of fear of the unknown, of repercussions, of your own vulnerability and much more. The more information we all have, the better. So here goes…
My husband and I were open to the idea of an open marriage before we even got engaged. Then we dabbled in “friends with benefits” type of situations with another couple, which was fun for awhile. When I met my boyfriend and started dating him on my own, I finally self-identified as polyamorous. As I explored my relationship with him, as long as I was honest and open with my husband as to how the relationship unfolded, I felt my personal life and my sex life was no one else’s business. What I do behind closed doors with my husband’s full knowledge and consent is just that. Also, I was exploring my own feelings about being polyamorous, while at the same time exploring this new relationship and seeing where it was headed. I didn’t need other people peering into my private life while I was still navigating all those potentially treacherous waters myself. I needed space to both think clearly and enjoy myself, and ease into everything cautiously, so that my eyes were wide open and no one got hurt.
This worked for awhile…
But then people started asking questions… Personal questions. Such as:
Why does W sleep over a lot?
Is there “Something Going On”?
Are you having Sex with W???
At first, I found these questions very offensive, intrusive and frankly obnoxious. Can I not have a new close friend? Plenty of people “sleep over” at my house if they’ve had too much to drink, and we don’t want them drinking and driving. Also, if my husband enjoys W’s company and seems perfectly at ease, what does it matter how we define our marriage and how is it ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS? Do I ask YOU personal questions about your sex life? Like, do you take it up the arse? I mean, really! As you can see, I went through a period of feeling some anger at the intrusion. So I stayed closeted for awhile longer. I answered them with statements such as “He is a close friend to both myself and my husband and nothing ‘sinister’ is going on.” End of story. Next subject.
The reason we eventually decided to “come out” was several reasons:
1) After close to a year of dating, my husband’s GF was starting to feel like a “dirty little secret”. And she didn’t like it. We never ever wanted her to feel like that. So coming out was a natural decision as time wore on, and it seemed clear that these relationships were here to stay.
2) “Keeping secrets” we realized takes a lot of energy. Also, it starts to feel just so … unauthentic… and kind of icky. Since it seemed clear that not only were we polyamorous to stay, but that we liked it and it really seemed to suit who we were, why should we hide it? We realized it was important for OUR personal growth to own up to who we were. Say it proudly and say it loudly.
3) We realized also that we were starting to feel more and more isolated from our friends and family. This “secret keeping” was taking its toll on our other “vanilla” relationships. We wanted to get back to feeling close to these people. We decided that telling them could possibly encourage these relationships to be closer and healthier again.
4) We wanted to honor and respect the relationships that we were developing with our BF and GF by being “out” about how important these people were in our lives. We wanted to be able to affectionately hug and kiss them in public, and not hide our affection that we feel for them.
5) In the grand scheme of things, we also wanted to create more awareness about polyamory. Being closeted just seems to further the stigma. Whereas if we took the brave step to come out, we helped lift the stigma one person at a time, hopefully showing how happy we were having an alternative lifestyle. It CAN work. It is NOT scandalous. It is love…. being shared. Yes, it is sex…. being shared. Get over it. It’s not that big of a deal. 🙂
If you wish, I can go into more HOW we went about it, including what we said, and who we decided to tell, and in what order. Please feel free to let me know if this would be of interest to you, my fellow blog readers.
For now, know that we are very happy and satisfied that we eventually came out, and in the end, it was very rewarding. I am proud of who I am today. Being as authentic as possible is very important to me. And I want to honor my relationships with these incredible and awesome people in my life… ALL of them! Everyone I love and hold dear to my heart, I cherish. As relationships deepen, I think it’s important to make sure our loved ones feel valued, in whatever fashion makes sense at that time.
I love LOVE. I love my life. I love my husband. And I love my BF. Hellz to the yeah!
If you’d like to read more about someone else’s journey and decision-making process in “coming out”, click below:
Wishing you peace, love and happiness,
(and thrilling, fun sex too!)